katieandhearts Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hey all, So there's this boy at work.. And I'm frustrated with him. I feel toyed with.. I think. The background with me: I am in a loving, wonderful relationship with a man who is stable, loyal, kind, and has integrity. We've been together seven months and it's been pretty good. The problems: Sometimes it can be a little bit boring... and we don't have sex nearly as often as I'd like. If I'm lucky, it's four times a week. If not.. zero. This past week, it's been zero. He even turned down oral. Ugh. Please note: I'm not looking to break up with him. That's not what this is about. This is just part of it. Before I entered this relationship, this work boy (we'll call him Eric) and I were flirting hard-core.. We sort of hooked up one night (no sex), and I waited for him to call.. he never did. This was the only night we'd ever actually hung out. He responded to a few texts, but then there was silence.. so I moved on and started dating my current boy. Not to mention, Eric and I are pretty much incompatible. I'm always reading, he hasn't picked up a book in.. ever. I don't do any sort of drugs (I kind of look down my nose at them), he smokes weed. I'm weird. Very pretty, but weird. He's.. well, he's a partier and looks like a chiseled God. He literally looks like he should be on the cover of a romance novel, minus the long hair. Total pretty-boy womanizer. Anyway.. About a month into our relationship, work-boy-Eric showed up after work at a bar that our co-workers frequent, bought me a drink for my birthday, and we ended up staying after everyone else left. He told me that all his friends told him to play hard to get, that he really wished we could try things, that he thought I was simply better at the game than him and not interested. He seemed so earnest, sincere, and made me feel like I'd pegged him all wrong. I told him I was seeing someone, and we let it rest at that. Sometimes we'd flirt at work (I try not to.. it makes me feel guilty), but it never went any further. During dry-spells with my current boy, it's VERY hard not to flirt with Eric. Tonight, there was some flirting.. it wasn't innuendo--it was in looks. He told me that if I ever get tired of my current guy, he'll be waiting, etc. We worked some more. Then, right before he left, he stopped to say goodbye. And then he paused for a second, and then said "I love you." I gave him a look and said, "Don't do that to me. No you don't." He responded, "I could love you." Then gave me a little smile, said goodbye again, and walked away. ...WHY would he say that to me? Men: Have you ever told a woman you loved her in a fashion even remotely like that? What can I even MAKE of this? What could it mean? Ultimately, it doesn't matter: I love my current boyfriend and respect him. There's no "decision" there.. I just want to figure out what's going on inside Eric's head. Thank your for reading. =) ~Katie
notsure15 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 he likes to flirt. he likes the innuendo. i've done it when single, becuase you feel better than the guy shes with, and it strokes your own ego given you have rejected him twice. perhaps it is his coping method. Stay where your is true and temptation won't lead you astray.
D-Lish Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 You're more into this guy than you think- and since you are the one in a relationship, the onus is on you to make a choice here. He can toy with you all he wants, you need to figure out whether or not you want to jeapordize your current relationship. If you're not happy, the right thing to do is to deal with your current relationship before engaging in heavy flirting with someone else. It's not harmless, no matter how hard you try to frame it as otherwise.
Author katieandhearts Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Stay where your is true and temptation won't lead you astray. I like that. =) And yes, that was the plan all along. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in Eric's head. deal with your current relationship before engaging in heavy flirting with someone else. I am happy in my relationship. Most of the time, I pretend Eric doesn't exist. The point is that it's harder to pretend he doesn't exist when we have bad weeks. I try not to flirt, but it still happens--it wouldn't be described by anyone as "heavy flirting". I guess I should point out again that no, I'm not thinking about leaving my boyfriend, just trying to figure someone out. Yeah, it's probably wasted energy, but hey, if it helps me sleep, it's worth it to me.
D-Lish Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I like that. =) And yes, that was the plan all along. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in Eric's head. I am happy in my relationship. Most of the time, I pretend Eric doesn't exist. The point is that it's harder to pretend he doesn't exist when we have bad weeks. I try not to flirt, but it still happens--it wouldn't be described by anyone as "heavy flirting". I guess I should point out again that no, I'm not thinking about leaving my boyfriend, just trying to figure someone out. Yeah, it's probably wasted energy, but hey, if it helps me sleep, it's worth it to me. Well Eric is significant enough to post about, so he's in your head. You're not physically cheating, but the ball is rolling.
forrest Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 You know you've crossed the line when you think to yourself and ask, "Would I do this if my bf/gf was right there watching us and would I feel comfortable doing it." If you answered no to the above, well then you've crossed the line.
Author katieandhearts Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 You know you've crossed the line when you think to yourself and ask, "Would I do this if my bf/gf was right there watching us and would I feel comfortable doing it." If you answered no to the above, well then you've crossed the line. This isn't relevant to my question, and I wouldn't consider anything I've done as crossing that line as defined by you. Present-day "Flirting" (not to be confused with hard-core flirting), to me, is just acknowledging his presence at work and noticing when he looks at me the way he does. I do more stuff that apparently looks like "flirting" with one of my good guy friends there--at least, I'd assume so since everyone seems to think we dated/date, which isn't even remotely true. All I do with him is talk to him about books and occasionally have lunch with him (which might be a bigger deal, if we didn't work at a restaurant and EAT at that restaurant on our twenty minute break). Go figure. Everyone asks about us, probably once a week. No one has EVER mentioned anything about Eric, including most of my good friends who razz me about just about everything. So yeah, no lines. My purpose is to figure out what his motivations are just in case this is going to create a bad/awkward work situation. Do I care? Yeah, a little. I don't like hurting people if I don't have to. It will bother me if it's not just him consoling himself, as notsure15 said, because that can just cause problems. The last thing I want to do is encourage that if what Eric said is true, but it requires more finesse. I'm looking for answers to the question I asked, please. =)
lino Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I feel sorry for your boyfriend, he doesn't know what is about to hit him. Have you talked to him about these dry spells & how to go about possibly resolving them? Or has your solution been to just flirt with another bloke & hope it solves itself?
Author katieandhearts Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Must you all be so judgmental? Nothing is about to "happen". That night at the bar where Eric spilled his heart out to me (at least, I think that's what he was doing) was six months ago and I haven't thought about it much at all since--the only exception has been the two or three times we've had trouble in bed, and I've never thought about it with any seriousness or at any great length. And that's ONLY when we're at work--the only reason this made it to the forum last night is that I don't like being messed with (if that's the case), and if he's NOT messing with me, then I need to do something to resolve that issue fast. Have you talked to him about these dry spells & how to go about possibly resolving them? None-the-less, yes, I have, on multiple occasions. I've told him how I've felt (we have open communication lines) and asked what I could do to potentially boost his libido (like if he has any triggers.. he has them when he's in the mood, but they don't work if he's not). He tells me that no, I just have to be patient because he doesn't want sex to feel like a chore. He's the type of person who, if he has a lot to do, can't stop for ten minutes for a quickie. Basically, if he has a task to get done, it's getting done, and by then he's probably too tired to do stuff (he has a lot of work). It sucks because, even if he finishes his stuff early and we go to bed, he'll turn down oral. He's told me that if I really need to do something, to let him know, but so far, that's never happened. It sucks. Anyway.. Back to my original question:Men: Have you or would you ever told a woman you loved her in a fashion even remotely like that? What was your motivation--just to toy with her, or did you mean something in that statement?
lenny Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I'm voting on the toying with you. He sounds like a player to me and that is just part of the game. I just love players cause they sure do know how to make a person feel special but it's really just lies. If you're looking for more substance out of what they say you won't find it.
Lucky_One Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 He just sounds like he is using whatever it takes to get in your pants. He knows that you are interested, you have already hooked up with him once (even if the deal wasn't clinched), and you are right there at work for easy pickings. It's just words from him. Side point - you seem to be really hung up that your BF refused oral sex from you one night. If you want more sex (and you admit that you do), and then you try to go down on him "just for him", he could be feeling a lot of unspoken pressure from you to reciprocate. If he is tired and doesn't want sex, then he also doesn't want something that, sure, will make him feel wonderful - but comes with strings (that you may not even know you are putting out) that he has to then do something sexual back to you. Many many women would feel rejected if they give a guy a BJ and then he just rolls over and goes to sleep, and he may not want to be in that situation.
purplepanda Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Sound to me like you're bored with your boyfriend and this guy is toying with you and it's somewhat fun, right? Yeah he's just toying with you.
Madgick1 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 And then he paused for a second, and then said "I love you." I gave him a look and said, "Don't do that to me. No you don't." He responded, "I could love you." Then gave me a little smile, said goodbye again, and walked away.~Katie He was testing you. To see how foolish you are, to see how much power he has over you, to see how gullible you are, to see how much effort he has to put into you. You called him on it, and that's why he gave a little smile. You are going to be slightly more challenging than most of the simpletons who throw themselves at him. But don't let that go to your head, he still thinks of you as a toy to amuse him. If he had any respect for you he would not have said he loved you when he knew he didn't. "I could love you" means if you work hard enough (and only as long as you do work at it). People don't 'could' love. People either love or not. He doesn't love you. I think you are fooling yourelf about how you feel about him. You are putting sexual, emotional, and intellectual energy into this guy rather into your great boyfriend.
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