paguy Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) I find this forum incredibly necessary and sincerely appreciate any advice you could offer me. Here is my story.... Six weeks ago I recently started to date an old flame who was coming out of a long term relationship (3+ years). Her and I have a past together. We dated for 2 1/2 years about 13 years ago (when we were 18-20). Our relationship ended and we went in different directions. I basically dated/got married to the same woman from age 20 - 30. I'm not 32. She has dated various people with her last relationship being the most serious for 3+ years. I got divorced 2 years ago. Her and I have always had a "connection". I'm guessing the type of connection you have with your first love. Over the last two years we got reconnected and exchanged various emails. We went out to breakfast in Oct 09'. We were both dating other people at that time. Our connection picked up right were it left off the last time I saw her. We clicked. Unfortunately it was the right timing for either of us. Over the last year we would keep in contact sporatically. We would make plans to see each other but she would cancel them (happened 2-3 times) Late summer 10' she told me she thought her boyfriend was going to propose to her. She was going away in late september to Italy with him. She made plans to see me before she went away but broke them at the last minute. I basically wrote her off and assumed she would return home engaged. Two weeks after she came home she texted me and we got together for dinner. She told me she turned him down. She wasn't sure she should spend the rest of her life with him. We had an amazing night. I spent the night at her place. After that I basically didn't hear from her. I wrote her off again. The third week of December I hear from her. She said she needed to talk to me because she was sad. She ended the relationship with her 3+ year old boyfriend. She said there was something missing from their relationship. We started to casually date but things progressed very quickly emotionally and physically. Last Thursday she told me she was pregnant. After the initial shock we both made the decision to move in and start our family. Today was her first ultra-sound it was determined it wasn't my baby - it was her old boyfriends. She would have had the baby if it were mine but she will have an abortion because it is his. The point of this all..... She told me she wants to deal with all of this on her own. I love now and I have loved her for the last 13 years. It breaks my heart that I cannot be there for her while she is going through this difficult time. I guess I expected her to want me to be there with her through this difficult time. I made it very clear to her my feelings and told her I'm here if/when she needs me. I cannot imagine the emotional difficulties she might be experiencing. Tomorrow she will have an abortion. Sorry for how long this ended up being. My questions: Should I just let her go and see if she comes back? NC? If I don't call her or text her to check on her will she think I don't care? Should I write her off again? Your thoughts? Thank You! Edited January 28, 2011 by paguy
Hhhh Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Sorry to say but it sounds like your the person everyone on this forum hates, the "rebound guy". I suggest you do go NC, let her figure this out on her own as she requested. If she is interested in a relationship with you, she will purse it. There is nothing you could really do.
donovant91 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I agree with the first post. It sounds like she needs some time to get things sorted out, and although you want to be there for her it would only cause problems in your relationship in the long run. I know you'll feel pretty helpless for awhile, but if you really want a relationship with her you just have to give her some space to deal with it. Leave the door open though of course, in case she wants help dealing with it.
Am4Real Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Honestly, it sounds like the setting for a very unstable relationship until she figures out who she is and what she wants. Call it a rebound from her after leaving the other man or a rekindle with an old flame. she does not appear to be demonstrating any for of assertion in any particular direction. The fact she bounced back and forth with the long-term boyfriend while communicating with you and, in the latter stages was prepared to accept a marriage proposal before backing out of it (supposedly), support the idea she does not really know what she wants. The idea she has been back and forth with you so many times leads me to think she is also unsure about you…further complicating the confusion is this baby which has been determined to not be yours. I would express to her how you feel and what you want with her. Let her then think about things and hopefully find what she “really” wants whether it is you or not or this baby or not. Regardless, too much pressure from you or even walking away without first expressing your commitment will surely drive a wedge into any chances for the future. One last comment, don't settle and neither should she. The last thing you want to do is complicate this baby's life as a Father that is not likely to last. All the best to you in this very delicate time… Am4Real
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