Why is apologizing for cheating so hard? Ego? Pride?I Don't understand!

[Whatshername]

It is over, but not because I was unwilling to hear him out, try to understand the reasons behind his making such choices that would (and inevitably did) wreck our relationship.

 

There was sexting, a few dates and kisses, but no sex, and even though it's awful, I was willing to forgive him.

 

But if I do not respect myself, he won't either.

 

Ok, I know.......toss him out, forget him...well, we are talking 4.5 years and supposedly two people who love one another, without a hint of any misstep. In walks a past gf, older than myself, and tried )omg, she was hell bent, must have planned everything explicitly) to rekindle the fire....sure she used the lure of sex, bt in the end he did not bite.

 

He admits he loves me, and was willing to reconcile, but could not admit he did anything wrong.

 

For me, to even think about forgiving him.....he needed to:

 

Admit his actions, apologize (not only that, but let me know he was sorry for the pain this caused me)

 

Break future contact with her...block her numbers.....refuse/return any letter mail.......and basically sever all ties/ignore her.

 

Instead............he cannot do it. it's like he cannot admit he was in the wrong , even though it is very apparent.

 

It amazes me, that a person can lose what they say they lvoe, to avoid admitting guilt, or an error, or wrongdoing.

 

BUT.......... they sure can point out your faults............

 

Help me out here, I know, I am better off without him, but it would have been amazing to SEE him willing to make amends.........for US.

[cerridwen]

It amazes me, that a person can lose what they say they lvoe, to avoid admitting guilt, or an error, or wrongdoing.

...Help me out here, I know, I am better off without him, but it would have been amazing to SEE him willing to make amends.........for US.

 

I don't believe they love us. They'd do the right thing if they truly did.

My ex's selfishness outweighed any emotion he had for me.

It was brutal but I had to accept that fact. He was going to do what HE wanted--not what would be best for us.

It was right in my face--just as it is for you.

 

A hard part: Letting go of the "If only he'd..."

If only he'd:

Done what I asked, we'd be so happy!

Loved me the way I love him!

Stopped being such a cheat, he'd be perfect!

Seen my value, he'd never find anyone to love him as much as I do!

Letting go of these were hard but I did it.

You can too.

[Whatshername]

^^^ Selfishness. Extreme Self-centeredness.

 

It seems narcisstic to me. He does NOT want this woman, as he dated her (more a FWB) on and off for 4 years prior to us meeting. She loved and LOVES him still. So, here we were, supposedly preparing to FINALLY move in together (hahaha) and maybe he has cold feet, maybe he's having a midlife crisis, maybe he wants out, but, GEEZ......... to take her bait, and hurt us both............. I swear. Such drama, and then turn it around like I caused the drama by confronting her. If I hadn't found a text.......I'd still be in the dark.

 

All that to say, that he seems to NEED the ego stroking. She has sent cards and letters over the years, professing her love and he never tried to stop them, or sent them back. I think it has been only Christmas and his birthday the last few years, but it seems abnormal, to me. And he has TONS of cards and letters from past women. Seriously, he has TONS.

 

So, he didn't really want her, and now he doesn't want to acknowledge his actions hurt me, so he goes silent and I am history. I couldn't go on, thinking she was still texting and calling him. I am 90 miles away and what sort of trust can be rebuilt with his denial of wrongdoing (bc he had no bad intentions.....palease! and refusal (try not even addressing I asked) to cut ties with her. He said the sexting was like "passing notes in class." All from a man who NEVER says squat.

 

I think they had some crazy different than ours sexual relationship, which included either strong verbal sexual talk, phone sex, or SOMETHING. Neither of which was a part of our life. He was quiet and when I'd flirt sexually, he would act a bit shy and was pretty much quiet.

 

So, he is a kid. He wants his way, and not to be told or asked what to do. No responsibility for his actions, no consequences and whoever gets in his way is tossed aside. Silent treatments, that is what he offers.