is it possible to be over Ex, but not over the pain yet?

[soleharmony1123]

Lately, I don't feel anything much when I think of my Ex except all the pain he caused me and the sense of betrayal.

 

The other day, I came across more pics of him & me from times long before the breakup...I looked at them for awhile and felt nothing close to anger...nothing... It was just me sitting there looking at some

old

photos.

 

Is this possible, or is there some residual anger boiling underneath waiting to come out? I am at a standstill, LS.

 

I can't journal about the failed relationship, my Ex or the breakup anymore and when and if I do, it's just a scribble of a few lines - that's it. Instead, I find myself journaling a lot about what I want for the future and that I want to be at least 90% healed before I even

entertain

the thought of beginning a new relationship.

 

I guess above all, I'

m

concerned over the fact that I hit a brick wall mentally when I try to journal any thoughts away about the failed relationship and/or my feelings. Maybe it's a mental block and I should discuss with my therapist?

 

Any input?

 

 

[GreenPolicy]

What you're saying makes sense. Logically I know that a relationship between my ex and I wouldn't work at this time. So I am better off without her. But my heart remembers the good times, and I miss having her in my life on a daily basis.

[TLCbear]

Is it possible to be over ex, but not over the pain yet?

 

I'm guessing it's possible, however, speaking from my experience, I know I'm a 100% over my ex (or the situation) when I have no pain or anger in my heart, when I can look at old photos or letters and smile, and when I can actually wish them the best. But anyway, from reading your thread, it's seems like you are doing really good. The less you write about your ex and the more you start to write about your future says alot. Everyone is different, therefore, things are handled different ways. It's hard to get over the betrayal and it takes alot of time. Keep improving!!!

[Movingthrough]

What you're saying makes sense. Logically I know that a relationship between my ex and I wouldn't work at this time. So I am better off without her. But my heart remembers the good times, and I miss having her in my life on a daily basis.

 

This is probably the best way to explain it. I also know that i dont want my ex because i couldnt trust her, but i also think about her a lot and find myself wanting something, but not knowing what that something is.

 

I do think that you can be "over" someone but still think "wow how could someone do that to me?". Its hard but the anger is what needs to be let go of.

[soleharmony1123]

I'd be in extreme denial if I said I don't still l--e my Ex, BUT, it just does not feel the same. It's like it was when we were friends in the beginning before our childhood bond formed. I know it's confusing...thus, my thread question..

 

 

 

 

What you're saying makes sense. Logically I know that a relationship between my ex and I wouldn't work at this time. So I am better off without her. But my heart remembers the good times, and I miss having her in my life on a daily basis.

[D-Lish]

It took me a really long time to get over my ex Husband when we divorced. Falling out of love with him wasn't the hard part- getting over the residual issues that lingered on and on was my true obstacle.

 

I thought I was done with the grieving process when I got over any loving feelings I had for him- I even got to the point of forgiving him for cheating. The thing is, although I wasn't in love with him anymore, I had a whole host of issues that remained ingrained. Trust issues and self esteem issues were a real barrier to finding and accepting any new relationships.

 

The fact that you are having trouble coming up with things to write and lament about most likely means you have moved forward in a significant manner. What you are seeing as a barrier might actually be a bigger accomplishment in your healing process than you realize! Maybe it's time to pay attention to how far you've come and celebrate that, instead of seeking reasons why you don't seem to be grieving anymore.

 

I think I got so attached to the grieving process that I didn't see how far I'd come for far too long- and that just kept me stagnant, it also kept me in a victim role. Maybe it's simply time to start setting new goals for yourself. You have to stop grieving and move on at some point- maybe this is a sign that you're ready to switch from grieving to living again?

 

At some point in the grieving process you will inevitably hit a plateau where you've done all the grieving you can. That's when it's time to be proactive in your recovery. Sometimes the grieving part is easier than the recovery- the beginning of your recovery starts with letting go, and it seems you are on that verge and ready to enter a new phase. Try and go with that and see where a new thought process takes you.

[Am4Real]

The fact that you are having trouble coming up with things to write and lament about most likely means you have moved forward in a significant manner. What you are seeing as a barrier might actually be a bigger accomplishment in your healing process than you realize! Maybe it's time to pay attention to how far you've come and celebrate that, instead of seeking reasons why you don't seem to be grieving anymore.

 

I think I got so attached to the grieving process that I didn't see how far I'd come for far too long- and that just kept me stagnant, it also kept me in a victim role. Maybe it's simply time to start setting new goals for yourself. You have to stop grieving and move on at some point- maybe this is a sign that you're ready to switch from grieving to living again?

 

At some point in the grieving process you will inevitably hit a plateau where you've done all the grieving you can. That's when it's time to be proactive in your recovery. Sometimes the grieving part is easier than the recovery- the beginning of your recovery starts with letting go, and it seems you are on that verge and ready to enter a new phase. Try and go with that and see where a new thought process takes you.

 

Well said.

[donovant91]

Yes I am in the same situation as the original poster. I am more caught up with the betrayal rather then missing my ex and wanting to be with her. I have accepted the fact shes left me with another guy, and I'm fine with the fact they are together and I don't even want my ex back. I guess the only thing that is bothering me is the way she broke up with me, and how immature and heartless she was from that point on. She blames the entire relationship on me. I made mistakes and I already apologized for them and to her, but I know the entire thing wasn't my fault. She hasn't admitted her mistakes or even apologized for how things turned out. Instead she keeps trying to contact me to basically rub her new relationship in my face and tell me how much happier she is with him. All that shows is that she isn't happy because if she were as happy as she says she wouldn't be trying to talk to her ex so bad.

[soleharmony1123]

I had a whole host of issues that remained ingrained. Trust issues and self esteem issues were a real barrier to finding and accepting any new relationships.

 

I had trust issues prior to my relationship with my Ex. But I saw no problem removing that barrier since there had never been an issue of trust with the Ex. Never thought it would come down to never being able to trust him anymore. Funny how things and people can change so drastically.

 

 

The fact that you are having trouble coming up with things to write and lament about most likely means you have moved forward in a significant manner. What you are seeing as a barrier might actually be a bigger accomplishment in your healing process than you realize! Maybe it's time to pay attention to how far you've come and celebrate that, instead of seeking reasons why you don't seem to be grieving anymore.

 

I agree it would be beneficial to focus on how far I've come along in the healing process. There are so many reasons to congratulate myself and be happy I've come this far. I've also completed 1-month successful NC and counting down. This time it's been much easier, unlike other times. My 2nd NC letter got through to the Ex clearly and pointedly, and I haven't heard a peek from him.

[D78]

soleharmony1123,

 

Right after my break up, I read through tear filled eyes that you are "over him when you're bored talking about him." That made me cry more because I thought it would never happen

 

I know it's a simplistic view of things, but it sounds like you've reached that point. You should be giving yourself props!

 

It makes perfect sense to me to be over him but still have to deal with the "how could a person do this to another person" thoughts, or whatever other thoughts you're dealing with.

 

Good luck.

[GreenPolicy]

This is probably the best way to explain it. I also know that i dont want my ex because i couldnt trust her, but i also think about her a lot and find myself wanting something, but not knowing what that something is.

 

I do think that you can be "over" someone but still think "wow how could someone do that to me?". Its hard but the anger is what needs to be let go of.

 

Yeah my ex handled things in a very cruel and immature manner. If you need to go then go, but I deserved more respect and better treatment.

[soleharmony1123]

D78,

 

Thanks for your supportive post.

 

I know what you mean about crying once you realized you'd reached the point where you were over your ex. When I read the posts of those who responded here, I became teary-eyed also. It really sunk in that, finally, I'm ready to move forward with my life.

 

 

 

soleharmony1123,

 

Right after my break up, I read through tear filled eyes that you are "over him when you're bored talking about him." That made me cry more because I thought it would never happen

 

I know it's a simplistic view of things, but it sounds like you've reached that point. You should be giving yourself props!

 

It makes perfect sense to me to be over him but still have to deal with the "how could a person do this to another person" thoughts, or whatever other thoughts you're dealing with.

 

Good luck.