jnj express Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 You don't seem to understand that to many betrayed's an EA, is much worse than a PA----In a PA it very possibly is just sex, and satisfying a physical need---in an EA the 2 lovers give their, hearts, emotions, love to each other, and those just DO NOT END COLD TURKEY---even if she is NC---I guarantee you she still thinks about him, way more than she thinks about you, and her family The recovery in all honesty can take from 2 to 5 yrs Do not put aside the advice you get here---these posters know what they are talking about---they have lived it all---you are just beginning to experience it----actually in many instances---the posters here really know more about various adulterous situations, and their solutions, than MC's do---for many mge. counselors, are giving you book solutions, but not real life, having lived thru it solutions---listen to these posters, you will not get better advice
Joe Normal Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Divorce, or get cheated on in future. Those are your two options. There's a third long-shot option - get counselling, and pray she takes it seriously, and pray she doesn't then renege on what she says in counselling. But that's a heck of a long shot. Personally I think any kind of affair, emotional or physical, is an instant deal-breaker. A marriage can never be the same after that, and most likely you'll end up a hapless cuckold wearing the horns, becoming a laughing stock and then getting financially eviscerated in divorce court. My advice is to hire a good lawyer and get your retaliation in first.
Joe Normal Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I know I know and you are most likely correct but I do love her very much and want only the best, the worst part is just getting the thoughts of her cheating behind my back with another man out of my head, it is what is killing me inside. Why would you want to get that out of your head? Your mind is trying to tell you something, and if you ignore it, then in a few months or years you will be having another mental imagine of her bouncing up and down on *another* man's penis. The way to get rid of the images is to get rid of the cheating whore. Cut your losses while you still have some dignity left.
PegNosePete Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I don't have anything to hide, but if any man I was with told me to take a lie detector test, I would immediately know that he was no man for me. Well are you a cheater? Would your reaction be the same if you were, and your man had busted you but you were denying it and that is the only way he could get the truth, that you would otherwise deny to your grave... If you were a cheater then you obviously have decided this is no man for you already, so no loss? You're putting yourself, with your moral values, into the position of someone who is obviously quite different from you. This guy's wife is quite obviously and blatantly cheating and lying to him.
Author UpsetDad Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Would it make a difference to you if you found out she had cheated physically? Would it change your decision? I commend you for making the decision that's right for you. You still love your wife, and clearly think the realtionship is worth saving. I hope you're right, and wish you the best. It will be a very long road for you, and i hope that you're strong enough to deal with it. I couldn't when my partner cheated, i found out i couldn't deal with it after years of trying to sort things out. But that's personal. At the end of the day though, listen to eveyone, but make your own decision:) The answer is yes. To me it would make the world of difference if she crossed the line and was having sex with another man especialy if she was having an emotional affair with him as that is something that is sacred in my eyes held only between the two of us. I do love my wife with all my heart and still feel very strongly for her and am trying to do my best to deal with the emotions and the anger of the whole situation, I have since opened up and started sharing with her my feelings about this and have even given her some of the articles related to an emotional affair and how to rebuild the trust you once had. She is very open to it and is starting to understand that this is not a quick fix and will take some time to rebuild, so the result is very positive and we have been falling back in love and spending the time together we once did prior to kids and the busy life you have with life and work. I very much enjoy reading and discussing the points of views on this and thank you all for helping me through this tough emotional time, I will keep you all posted on how things progress along the way. Thank you
Author UpsetDad Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Just an update for all of you who had commented. We are doing great and are rebuilding our Trust, my wife has been 100% open and is doing everything she can to correct the wrong she has done, we are re-connecting at all levels and our relationship is stronger then ever at this point. I am positive in my own heart that she did not cross the line and have communicated my feelings and concerns with her in regards to what took place, I believe we are on the right track and hope it keeps going the way it has been and we never have to deal with in incident like this again. I believe the honesty on both of our parts is the key to getting over this as well as going back to what we had and the way we communicated with each other when we both fell in love with each other in the first place. Thank you all for your input and opinions as it really helped guide me in my emotions and be able to deal with things that where going on in my head. Thank you L
carhill Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Thanks for the update. So we can learn from your experience, give us some specific examples of how you have begun to rebuilt trust and intimacy. I'll give some examples, not necessarily applicable to your dynamic. 1. My wife and I agreed that she is to give me access to all her financial, IT and personal passwords. She changed her phone number and e-mail 2. My wife and I agreed to go to MC for a period of six months 3. My wife and I agreed that, should she have feelings of desire or longing for the person named here, or any person other than me, she is to share those feelings with me. We will work through them *together*. OK, give me your examples... thanks!
Author UpsetDad Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Thanks for the update. So we can learn from your experience, give us some specific examples of how you have begun to rebuilt trust and intimacy. I'll give some examples, not necessarily applicable to your dynamic. 1. My wife and I agreed that she is to give me access to all her financial, IT and personal passwords. She changed her phone number and e-mail 2. My wife and I agreed to go to MC for a period of six months 3. My wife and I agreed that, should she have feelings of desire or longing for the person named here, or any person other than me, she is to share those feelings with me. We will work through them *together*. OK, give me your examples... thanks! Will be more than happy to share our experience with you. 1. My wife was relieved when she got busted as she got to deep into it and was looking to get caught, she admitted everything and answered all my questions as many times as i needed to ask. 2. She changed her e-mail and all contact information and gave me access to everything so i can check on her whenever i fell like it to satisfy my needs. She also has all of mine and she checks in with me constantly so we each know where we are and what we are doing. 3. Intimacy was never an issue for us so that did not need any adjustment but she made herself available anytime i wanted. 4. We did not go the MC route as we both do not agree with using one and decided to work it out on our own as a couple. 5. I read up on everything i could find that fit our situation and shared it with her so she could feel my pain and understand where I was at. 6. We have put our selfs first again and we as a couple do everything together again as we once did and have the most fun together anyways, no girls night out or men only outings, we go as a couple or family. This I think is the most important part to success as it brings you back to where you once were when you fell in love in the first place. 7. We keep no secrets and talk about our feelings with each other at all times. 8. I have been much more attentive and we schedule our days so we can do things together as much as possible. These are the most important points I feel are worth posting and we have been great together once again but from time to time i still get upset about it but as time goes on it is much better with each day that passes. Honesty is the best key to the whole thing. L
threebyfate Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 swears to me it was nothing more than it just felt good to have someone be interested in her other than her husband.Have you delved into why she needed this and how to fix this dysfunction? If not, it could happen again and next time, she'll be more careful about hiding it.
carhill Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Great, thanks How does she respond when you communicate your feelings of being 'upset', especially when such feelings occur at odd moments, not necessarily connected to her words/actions? Also, can you tell her you forgive her or envision a timeline for that to occur? Essentially, relegating this event to the past with the present as your beginning point. There have been a few LS regulars (men) who have recovered the M's from their wife's infidelity and, if you haven't read their stories, it would be reading I'd recommend. Start with a poster named Owl. Good luck
hoping2heal Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Well here is my dalema. My wife and I have been married for 10 years now with 2 children and have had a wonderfull marriage with no issues what so ever, but this past year we had both been very busy and just didnt click for a small period of time, during this time she had enetered into a friendship with a guy from a shop we use for some of our needs and ended up turning into a sexting and internet sexual friendship for a matter of 2 months. I had caught on to this and she ended it immediatly as she was embarrised about the whole thing and swears to me it was nothing more than it just felt good to have someone be interested in her other than her husband. My issue is after a hacked the computer i found a portion of the chat logs and it appears that they where attempting to meet up in person and eventualy did one night when i busted her, in the chat logs he was begging for oral sex and she had even told him that they have not thought all of this over completely and it was not a good idea. I contacted him the next morning and he was scared to death and even claimed he was gay and did nothing, he even ran to the police to make sure i dont get my hands on him. Now in my head after I read the partial chat logs I can only imagine what took place when they met up the night i nusted them, my wife swears nothing happened and has ended all contact with him and has been her normal good wife self since, How do i get past this untrust i have with her ? I can not get it out of my mind and I know if i keep pushing the issue with her it will ruin our relationship I do not want that. I would like to hear some advise in this matter. Thank you Very unhappy Dad Obviously the whole thing is a big concern but what stood out to me was that she made the comment it felt good having attention from someone other than her husband. I would worry that will be a recurring theme for her.
Author UpsetDad Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Great, thanks How does she respond when you communicate your feelings of being 'upset', especially when such feelings occur at odd moments, not necessarily connected to her words/actions? Also, can you tell her you forgive her or envision a timeline for that to occur? Essentially, relegating this event to the past with the present as your beginning point. There have been a few LS regulars (men) who have recovered the M's from their wife's infidelity and, if you haven't read their stories, it would be reading I'd recommend. Start with a poster named Owl. Good luck Well you are right on, sometimes my feelings do come out at odd moments for sure but getting much fewer and fewer, she is very good with them as she states it was her fault that she broke us and puts the blame 100% on her. We discuss it and move on. The experience has changed me in a way that I used to blindly trust people and no longer trust so easily as well as suspect most peoples actions as well, she also recognizes this change in me and knows this is due to what has taken place. Will this ever go back to the way I used to be ? I think it is doubtful that i will ever blindly trust anyone any longer. But the end result is we do love each other very much and a mistake was made and we recognize that we are not perfect and it could have very well been me at some point in our relationship and I would also hope that she would try and work it out with me as well. I believe that her actions came from her past childhood experience as she had parents that had a bitter divorce that she was in the middle of and they used her as a pawn against each other, so I am very confident that her past had a huge role in what took place and she also was very upset that she was doing what her father did. We are doing great and she is opening much more about her childhood since this experience and I believe it is helping her allot as well. L
Space Ritual Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Well you are right on, sometimes my feelings do come out at odd moments for sure but getting much fewer and fewer, she is very good with them as she states it was her fault that she broke us and puts the blame 100% on her. We discuss it and move on. The experience has changed me in a way that I used to blindly trust people and no longer trust so easily as well as suspect most peoples actions as well, she also recognizes this change in me and knows this is due to what has taken place. Will this ever go back to the way I used to be ? I think it is doubtful that i will ever blindly trust anyone any longer. But the end result is we do love each other very much and a mistake was made and we recognize that we are not perfect and it could have very well been me at some point in our relationship and I would also hope that she would try and work it out with me as well. I believe that her actions came from her past childhood experience as she had parents that had a bitter divorce that she was in the middle of and they used her as a pawn against each other, so I am very confident that her past had a huge role in what took place and she also was very upset that she was doing what her father did. We are doing great and she is opening much more about her childhood since this experience and I believe it is helping her allot as well. L This was not a mistake, it was a conscious decision made by your wife. and I am sorry to sound harsh, but you are falling for it hook line and sinker. I don't care what issues your wife had in her childhood, she knows right from wrong doesn't she? She knows what side of the road to drive on....she sure as hell knows that this is no mistake. By wholeheartedly accepting her version of events without question,. you tell her you will believe anything...like you exchanging passwords....you gave up one of your most important assets in combatting an affair...why on earth would you do that? lol... Ever think she has more than one email address...or even a second phone? Emotional affairs (or PA's for that matter)are not something you can just turn off, and I would be willing to bet you are about ready to drop your guard again...I hope I am wrong but I don't think I am. And I think you are about to have another Bomb dropped on you... You are still trusting her too much....you need to set boundaries and be prepared to follow through with consequences... Good Luck, I just don't want to see you back here in 6 months carrying on about how you should have listened the first time...Once again I do not mean to sound harsh as I know this episode certainly upset you. but don't just take her word for everything...VERIFY..PLEASE!!!
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