UpsetDad Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Well here is my dalema. My wife and I have been married for 10 years now with 2 children and have had a wonderfull marriage with no issues what so ever, but this past year we had both been very busy and just didnt click for a small period of time, during this time she had enetered into a friendship with a guy from a shop we use for some of our needs and ended up turning into a sexting and internet sexual friendship for a matter of 2 months. I had caught on to this and she ended it immediatly as she was embarrised about the whole thing and swears to me it was nothing more than it just felt good to have someone be interested in her other than her husband. My issue is after a hacked the computer i found a portion of the chat logs and it appears that they where attempting to meet up in person and eventualy did one night when i busted her, in the chat logs he was begging for oral sex and she had even told him that they have not thought all of this over completely and it was not a good idea. I contacted him the next morning and he was scared to death and even claimed he was gay and did nothing, he even ran to the police to make sure i dont get my hands on him. Now in my head after I read the partial chat logs I can only imagine what took place when they met up the night i nusted them, my wife swears nothing happened and has ended all contact with him and has been her normal good wife self since, How do i get past this untrust i have with her ? I can not get it out of my mind and I know if i keep pushing the issue with her it will ruin our relationship I do not want that. I would like to hear some advise in this matter. Thank you Very unhappy Dad
StalledGirl Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) Are you sure nothing happened? You only have her word but because of what she has done , it's kind of worthless so no wonder you feel unable to move on but if you want to rebuild your marriage , you will have to accept her version of events. Edited January 28, 2011 by StalledGirl
carhill Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Sounds pretty serious. Check to see if any MC slots open next week. Usually they have cancellations. Pick one who specializes in recovery from infidelity. @roads her car. That's a GPS tracker. Put her on the full transparency diet. Kill all social networking portals. Accept her explanations/assertions and work through your feelings in MC. Personally, I'd cremate the computer in front of her, but that's me. I like burning things Hug the kids. Welcome to LS My sympathies.
lkjh Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 You don't trust her because she doesn't deserve trust. At the very least she had an emotional affair. I seriously doubt nothing physical happen. Make her become transparent and make her work for you
Bryanp Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think your wife would have been accepting as you? She was sexting for goodness sakes and them meet up and you believe that nothing happened? You are in denial. You know your wife can carry on at least an emotional affair behind your back for months. She is in damage control. Spend a few hundred bucks and get her to take a polygraph. My guess is that she will fess up the truth before she has to take one. You know she is lying to you.
PegNosePete Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Sexting + meeting = sex. Guaranteed, 100%. There are no exceptions. If she claims nothing happened then she is lying to you. Do as Bryanp suggests and insist she take a polygraph. If she has nothing to hide then she will hide nothing. She will most likely trickle-truth you, as in, "yes we did kiss but I stopped before anything happened", then next week "oh yes we did kiss and have a bit of a grope but nothing more", etc etc. Do not accept this. Unless she admits to everything, insist on the polygraph.
jnj express Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Stop giving us this malarky about how your are scared to push the issue 1st---WHY does your wife need to be talking to ANY OTHER MAN ABOUT ANYTHING---she is married---when she took her vows--talking to other men became taboo---as in it is not ever spose to happen 2nd---stop with the being scared of your wife---she cheated, she went so far as to meet up with another man---let me check, that didn't seem to be part of her wedding vows---YOU HAD BETTER DARN WELL LAY DOWN THE LAW, AND LAY IT DOWN HARD You need to set in boundaries, no more ANYTHING with other males---or tell her she can talk to all the other men she wants while she is living the single life, as a divorcee----I will tell you this, and you need to heed it----IF YOU ARE SOFT IN HANDLING THIS SITUATION---SHE WILL CHEAT ON YOU AGAIN---KNOWING SHE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT, KNOWING YOU BASICALLY DID NOTHING THE FIRST TIME Believe me she is not going anywhere---she is just as tied into your mge, as you are---BUT she seems to need validation from some source, and you had better find out why she needs to go outside her mge., to find this validation
imagine Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Polygraph her. Here you may ask her "Would you have kissed this man (or worse)". She needs to feel consequence for her actions. Expose her.
Space Ritual Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Polygraph her. Here you may ask her "Would you have kissed this man (or worse)". She needs to feel consequence for her actions. Expose her. Good advice...because you can't be sure you know anything at this point. And also polys have an odd effect as on the day of the examination when you and your wife are sitting in the parking lot with the appointment time looming just moments away when some new revelations will probably come out... You do not have to go through with one, you can always print some info out form a local examiner and present it to her as the appointments have already been made. You will probably get all the answer you need when you gauge her reaction to it...let's face it, more probably happened and if you do not take actions that show your intent it will show that you are willing to accept this behavior. And I think the advise you are being given is good...Don't accept this "nothing happened" business because you don't want to rock the boat Oh and a shout out to JNJ Express...long time no see!
jnj express Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Hey Space---how are you---is everything going well with you
Author UpsetDad Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 So you guys are pretty sure she crossed the line ? I am having a hard time getting it out of my head and have my doubts but am trying to deal it with the best i can for the kids sake. She has been back to her self ever since i busted her and she has been a perfect wife. How would i approach the polygraph issue ? Should i just keep a close eye on her and see where it goes from here ? I do love her very much and will do whatever it takes to save my marriage an do what is needed for my children, but i cant get the lies out of my head. Not sure what to think. Confused Dad
carhill Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Figure a polygraph test will cost about the same as the divorce filing fees, less lawyer retainer and hourly billing, so generally 400-1000. 'In order to continue in this marriage, I need a neutral third party to verify the truthfulness of the statements which were made to me. I've made arrangements for this to be done. Since you swear by the statements made, I'm sure you'll have no problems having them verified independently.' Listen.
PegNosePete Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 YEs, what carhill said. And remember, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If she has told you everything and is willing to do anything to regain your trust, then she won't have a problem doing the polygraph. If she gets funny then she is lying.
Gettingtired Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 'In order to continue in this marriage, I need a neutral third party to verify the truthfulness of the statements which were made to me. I've made arrangements for this to be done. Since you swear by the statements made, I'm sure you'll have no problems having them verified independently.' Listen. Your little statements are awesome! UpsetDad, sorry to hear what's happening/happened. Get her polygraphed!!
Author UpsetDad Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Figure a polygraph test will cost about the same as the divorce filing fees, less lawyer retainer and hourly billing, so generally 400-1000. 'In order to continue in this marriage, I need a neutral third party to verify the truthfulness of the statements which were made to me. I've made arrangements for this to be done. Since you swear by the statements made, I'm sure you'll have no problems having them verified independently.' Listen. I like the way you put it and will give it a try, I think you guys are correct and will be interesting to see her response, but i do hope you guys are wrong and she did tell the truth. I tried to get the guy to tell me the truth but hid behind the cops and I dont want to get in any legal trouble either. Thank you and i will keep you guys updated as to how it goes.
PegNosePete Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 We all hope we're wrong too dude. Don't talk to the other man any more, it won't serve any purpose. It's a matter between you and your wife. Good luck.
jnj express Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Put in your boundaries, and make them strong---research, or ask if you don't know what, and how Make sure you have dealbreaker consequences---that YOU WILL ACT ON---No lip service---you need to act Lastly and very important---Make her sign a Post--Nup Agreement---that includes a duress clause---That alone if written right will keep her straight
hurting_in_nw Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Forget all this polygraph business fella. Your marriage is over. Divorce her, because things will never be the same. The "success stories" you hear about couples after an affair are so few and far between that it's just not worth it.
Author UpsetDad Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Well after a good long look into my soul and my heart, I still very much love my wife and I think the best thing for me is to stick with my gutt feeling and work things out and just have to accept the truth she has given me and work on fixing what was wrong in the first place for this to happen. I feel that I would not be true to myself if I left her and just give up on her and my family. I have been reading a lot on emotional affairs and it appears to be what has taken place and I just know she is smarter then that. The different views and opinions on her are very interesting and is very helpful in dealing with my own emotions in this situation. I will keep you all posted on how things go. Thank you all
PegNosePete Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 There is a very long river in Egypt dude. It's called Denial...
Author UpsetDad Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 There is a very long river in Egypt dude. It's called Denial... I know I know and you are most likely correct but I do love her very much and want only the best, the worst part is just getting the thoughts of her cheating behind my back with another man out of my head, it is what is killing me inside. But from what i read it just takes time for that to heal and is best to deal with it head on, so that is what i am trying to do. I just wish I knew for sure one way or another because the unknown is what I am having such a hard time with. Talking about it does help alot though.
PegNosePete Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 the worst part is just getting the thoughts of her cheating behind my back with another man out of my head, it is what is killing me inside. You should not put it out of your head. You should face up to what she has done, and so should she. If you can't both do that then you're deluding yourselves. Pretending it didn't happen won't make it go away. I just wish I knew for sure one way or another because the unknown is what I am having such a hard time with. Yeah dude, that's why you need the polygraph, or at least the threat of one. You'll never know for sure without it. If she is innocent then she won't have any problems doing it to satisfy you. She knows your trust is in tatters because of what she has already admitted. So she should be willing to do anything to prove to you that she is innocent. Only those with something to hide, hide it.
sammyd Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Would it make a difference to you if you found out she had cheated physically? Would it change your decision? I commend you for making the decision that's right for you. You still love your wife, and clearly think the realtionship is worth saving. I hope you're right, and wish you the best. It will be a very long road for you, and i hope that you're strong enough to deal with it. I couldn't when my partner cheated, i found out i couldn't deal with it after years of trying to sort things out. But that's personal. At the end of the day though, listen to eveyone, but make your own decision:)
imagine Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 There are two parties involved. She may be done but you are not satisfied. You need to know how to protect your marriage. You need to know that boundaries have been established for her. She needs to know that your insecurity will not affect the marriage -usually you will go through an anger phase three to six months from now. Both of you need to expose the problem for the sake of your marriage. Defend the marriage.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Yeah dude, that's why you need the polygraph, or at least the threat of one. You'll never know for sure without it. If she is innocent then she won't have any problems doing it to satisfy you. She knows your trust is in tatters because of what she has already admitted. So she should be willing to do anything to prove to you that she is innocent. Only those with something to hide, hide it. I don't have anything to hide, but if any man I was with told me to take a lie detector test, I would immediately know that he was no man for me. I challenge you or anyone to cite a single relationship that went on to be happy and successful once one party, no matter how wronged, insisted that the other take a lie detector test. If the test shows that she is not lying, do you think that the couple will go on to live happily ever after? NO. If you are at the point where you think this is the only righteous move, then I think you should just say goodbye to the relationship. Couples that have gone through infidelity need to rebuild trust and communication; each person needs to reestablish THEIR OWN boundaries and be true to enforcing them. I am talking about both their own behavior and what they are willing and able to accept from their partner.
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