Lovelybird Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Hi everyone, I noticed that there are so many of us have a difficult time to say NO, espectially in dating lives, thus caused us much real price in life. I need your wisdom, own experiences and your hearts to help me or anyone here to grow some ability to say NO. and how did you overcome this issue. Ok, here is a case. An old man is calling me very often in recent two weeks, I don't know how to turn him down, being a "good girl" it is just hard for me to tell him face to face that I don't want to do anything with him. so I just didn't pick up the phone, and he didn't stop calling. Do you think my coward way encouraged him or what? What should I do?
Emilia Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 (edited) 'thank you for your interest but I have started seeing someone' you have to learn to look after yourself and not allow men pressure you into something you don't want. he knows exactly what he is doing. anyone considerably older than you will be very clear on what's going on Edited January 27, 2011 by Emilia
Lucky_One Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 "I appreciate the invitation, but I am not interested." And just keep on with "No, thank you" if he keeps going with it. And once his insistence becomes wearisome, then say, "I have some things I need to take care of; I have to go. Take care. Bye." Write them down and put them on a post-it note by the phone, if you are afraid you can't say them. Also put them on the visor of your car, and flip it down and practice saying them aloud while you are driving around. Make it effortless to say them.
Author Lovelybird Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 He didn't say anything about interest, he just asked my phone number and called. What if I say I don't want any bf now, and he say I am not either, just want to be a friend? Even a friend makes me stressful. I am thinking he is after sex, and he is too old for me to even think about it
Emilia Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 He didn't say anything about interest, he just asked my phone number and called. What if I say I don't want any bf now, and he say I am not either, just want to be a friend? Even a friend makes me stressful. I am thinking he is after sex, and he is too old for me to even think about it of course he is after sex and he repulses you, you shouldn't have given your phone number to him in the first place just tell him you are seeing someone. you can lie, you don't owe him anything
O'Malley Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 (edited) Be polite, clear and firm. I agree with saying, "Thanks, but I'm not interested," and then ending the conversation if they continue to ask you out. You're not obligated to be sorry that you're uninterested in someone, or provide lengthy explanations why, or give out your phone number. Give out a fake number to creeps. If you like a guy, but are hesitant to give out your number, ask for his. Telling a guy that you're involved might work with total strangers but isn't going to with acquaintances -- they may perceive that you would date them if you were single, and keep pursuing. Who wants that? And practice at it: over time it will come more naturally, and most people who understand and respect boundaries may be disappointed but will give up at the first "Not interested,". People who don't respect boundaries should be steered clear of anyway. Edited January 27, 2011 by O'Malley
zengirl Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 If you don't want somebody to call you, when they ask you, just say, "No, I don't want to give out my number. Sorry." Don't make up stories. Being "good" doesn't mean neglecting your opinions and needs. If you don't want someone to call, just don't give them your number. At this point (he has the number), I'd just say something like, "Please stop calling me. I don't think we have much in common, and I'm not comfortable with the continued calls. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding." The end.
Author Lovelybird Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Thanks for your advices, you are right, I shouldn't give the number in the first place. and this need pratice, maybe I should make this post as a practice log, so everyone does this, can put their no-practice here. I just called him, and I said, ' thanks for your calls. I don't know why you called me, probably I am overthinking, but I don't think we are going anywhere, then wish him a wonderful day', end the call. How is this?
Emilia Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Thanks for your advices, you are right, I shouldn't give the number in the first place. and this need pratice, maybe I should make this post as a practice log, so everyone does this, can put their no-practice here. I just called him, and I said, ' thanks for your calls. I don't know why you called me, probably I am overthinking, but I don't think we are going anywhere, then wish him a wonderful day', end the call. How is this? assertive and perfect. good girl
Author Lovelybird Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 (edited) I think I need NO-month, just say NO to everyone in a month no matter what except of something endangering life that need my help--I don't think this will ever happen. say no to my roommate it is not ok to borrow my rice, no to another roommate that I won't fetch water for her (her excuse is her on her shoes cannot walk in)--she is manipulative and controling sometimes I do have this mentality of owing everyone, doing nice things are good, but I start to think being forced to do any good things is equal not doing any good at all, plus some resentment. What do you think about the NO-month? am I too petty thinking about these things? Does anybody think the NO-month is a good idea? Probably everyone around me will think I am weird, and ruin all relationships. yesterday I pissed off my mom already, she repaid me tears of hers Thank you Emilia and everyone Edited January 27, 2011 by Lovelybird
Emilia Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I think a 'no' month might be a bit extreme and you would probably get fed up with it but yes you need to start establishing boundaries and be assertive. by the way the best way to start is by surrounding yourself with people that don't want to use you. appreciate that it's not always obvious and that you can't just get rid of a roommate but by being selective is the way forward. each time someone asks you to do something you think you shouldn't do, you can just say 'I'm sorry I can't help you right now' maybe you could start with that?
Author Lovelybird Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Day one: this is a totally psychological experiment and from my own real life. I feel scared. I guess today will not have much interaction with others. but the early talk with the old man made me feel relieved now. Still considering if this is a good idea...anyone?
Cee Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Hey, Lovelybird. I like your "no month" idea, but I don't think you need to pressure yourself to set boundaries with every person you meet. But I think it's good to log the times you say, "No" and the times you say "Yes," but should have said no. You can explore the feelings around it. I've been practicing no with dating recently. One thing I've discovered is that I can say No, but the next day I have regrets and doubts. I learned to say No through practice, although I'm kind of wordy about it. When I say no, I usually overexplain rather than set a boundary. But I'm making progress.
Author Lovelybird Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 by the way the best way to start is by surrounding yourself with people that don't want to use you. appreciate that it's not always obvious and that you can't just get rid of a roommate but by being selective is the way forward. I think I am going to stuck with her for more than one year maybe God intended her to be my roommate, so that He can force me to build up some healthy boundaries. Hey, Lovelybird. I like your "no month" idea, but I don't think you need to pressure yourself to set boundaries with every person you meet. But I think it's good to log the times you say, "No" and the times you say "Yes," but should have said no. You can explore the feelings around it. I've been practicing no with dating recently. One thing I've discovered is that I can say No, but the next day I have regrets and doubts. I learned to say No through practice, although I'm kind of wordy about it. When I say no, I usually overexplain rather than set a boundary. But I'm making progress. This is a good idea. I will do this. Today when I fetched the water for my roommate, I hated it, caught myself calling her bitch in my heart. If the person who asked me for this is my parents, i would love to do it gladly. then I realized that I don't have love for my roommate because she is manipulative and controling and tried to make me look bad to others. There is another difficult thing, as a christian, I SHOULD forgive her, but now I find myself difficult to do so. Is God testing me or what? anyway, in order to make thing simplier, right now just concentrate on say NO for a while. I guess God will not encourage a person doing something because of being forced, no heart in it at all.
Author Lovelybird Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 (edited) I have no idea, doesn't look like. Even he is rich, I won't consider it. If he looks young and handsome, I cannot respect a man relys on me for bringing the bread, by the way Edited January 27, 2011 by Lovelybird
Author Lovelybird Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Have you ever said this to someone? I so want to use this line "will you mind your own business?" to my roommate who likes to "instruct" around when I haven't asked.
Author Lovelybird Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) So you want a young, handsome and rich man then? Are you young, beautiful and rich yourself? if that can happen, I won't resist Rich, young and beautiful is a matter of mindset of self. but that man is too old. If a considerably older man chase after a much younger woman, I question his morality and maturity. Yesterday nothing happened. Now I am almost expecting something happen, so I can practice my NO Edited January 28, 2011 by Lovelybird
SunsetRed Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 These books and authors are older, but they have helped me build the confidence to set boundaries with people and say no. Try reading Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency and John Bradshaw has an audio type called Stop Being Nice. There's also a book simply titled Boundaries that was helpful to me.
hydorclops Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Cee: ...But I think it's good to log the times you say, "No" and the times you say "Yes," but should have said no. You can explore the feelings around it. Excellent idea. My success is best when I say no without apologizing or explaining. This leaves them without a hook to argue. Even if they ask why or try to guilt you, just shake your head or say, "Not gonna happen." Repeat as needed or leave. My issue was on the street in my neighborhood, people asking for money and cigarettes, so it's a little different.
Author Lovelybird Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) I failed to say no today when that old man waited me on the bus stop where I usually go, and he said he wants to go to church with me. when he asked me if it is ok for him to go to church with me, and I didn't say NO!!!! I thought it is ok because I thought his intention is good. But on the bus, he sit too closely to me, and put his arm on my sit's back! It is so disrespectful!! I rolled my eyes, and met a friend of mine, in the end, he didn't go to church with me. My friend used another language told me he is creepy. I was so wrong about his decency "want to go to church"!!! I know western men are agressive, but this is too much Edited January 30, 2011 by Lovelybird
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