Am I hurting my recovery?

[Fern]

We've been split just shy of 6 months and I'm doing much better. He is now in a relationship with the girl who was the catalyst for our split. Unfortunately, I've discovered a way this week to look at my exes new girlfriend's FB page and I can't stop myself checking it once or twice a day. He deleted himself completely from FB a few months ago - which was great for me. But the new girl has her page completely public, so I kept her blocked on my profile. But I have access to a FB account through work and I've been looking at her account using this profile for about a week now.

 

She fancies herself a bit of a photographer, so this past week she's been putting up lots of pictures of him playing happy families with her and her child and posting how excited she is about the holiday they're taking together in May. All this stuff doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would - in fact, I think it might be helping me to let go of false hope. Here's why: I suspect my Ex has been keeping tabs on me on FB using his daughter's profile for a while now. I don't know for sure, but she's showing up as 'online' at times when she's definitely not - I've checked with her mother and she's noticed it too.

 

Only he and his daughter's mother have the password - but I don't know. I suspect. That suspicion has been fuelling some stupid fantasies in me that maybe the shine is wearing off his new relationship. I don't want him back, but I still desperately want the new relationship to fail. Looking at her pictures today of him at the park yesterday with her and her daughter has made me realise that actually - they might really have strong feelings for each other and that I'm just going to have to come to terms with the fact that it could last. They all look so happy in the pictures. They could be together for years and I need to accept that and let go, because I'm only torturing myself waiting for them to fail. It's making me realise that him looking at my profile (if he actually is) could be nothing more than simple curiosity.

 

So what do you think? Am I hurting myself here or helping in some warped way? I should stop looking, shouldn't I? How do I do that? It's like an itch I can't stop scratching. I wish she would make her profile private and take the decision out of my hands.

[is2008]

as you were kind enough to answer my dilemma, i'm going to give you my view on yours.

 

first and foremost, do you really need a FB account? if i were you, i'd delete it completely. without the temptation, you're less likely to look therefore less likely to see them playing happy families.

 

you definitely are torturing yourself. you KNOW that they "appear" happy together. tell me, how many times do you see couples taking photos of one another during an argument and posting them on FB? you don't.

 

i'd say looking at FB is the equivalent of breaking NC. every time i hear my phone ring, i think it's her... everytime you see the daughter online, you immediately start to question whether he's reaching out to you.

 

take a leaf out of your own book... is he "banging the door down begging for forgiveness"? at the moment it appears not, he's in a honeymoon stage and everything normal.

 

secondly, you need to be honest with yourself. can you REALLY take a man back that has left you for another woman? do you not deserve better? you'll always be looking over your shoulder/wondering whether he likes another woman better. you deserve better, you really do.

 

be with someone because they prize you. i'm the same, we go back/fantasise about reconciliation because it's the comfort of the old relationship we enjoy, not so much the person perhaps.

 

trust is everything in a relationship. don't let anyone tell you otherwise. loyalty, love, respect etc stem from trust. you cannot trust him. i cannot trust my ex.

 

give up hope and be patient because one day there will be someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. think of yourself as the better person for not calling it quits.

[Rose T]

So what do you think? Am I hurting myself here or helping in some warped way? I should stop looking, shouldn't I? How do I do that? It's like an itch I can't stop scratching. I wish she would make her profile private and take the decision out of my hands.

 

No contact and no information versus contact and information: I think you need a bit of both to heal.

 

As we all know, NC is great for putting your ex in the past tense: you don't create new memories connected to him, so all that went on between you eventually moves into the "archive" of your brain.

 

Contact, or the sort of information you've been pursuing - confirmation of his new relationship and their plans - does help put finality on your break-up because it makes you face up to his current situation, but there's a thin line between "getting that in your head" and somehow stringing along your own emotional relationship with him by staying constantly updated with his new girl's FB. You also admitted that the FB stuff is helping you harbour a hope that his new relationship will fail. That's a normal desire under the circumstances, but I think it's connected to a subconscious hope of reconciliation (at least that's how I feel about my recent ex and his new girl, sorry to project onto you!)

 

Obsessing over her is an extension of obsessing over him. If I was you, I'd try to break the "habit". You might still do it occasionally but its still too much energy spent on something which is Not Your Problem. (When I obsess too much I've started walking round the house singing N.Y.P!! Not YOUR problem Rose!! lol - works for me!!)

 

If you're hitting the six month anniversary of your break-up, why not dedicate yourself a special day just for you? I'm planning that next week (when I hit two months!) i'm going to the hairdresser, going to do a bit of shopping, stupid stuff, but I want to plan a nice me-day!!

 

In the end, we all go through cycles of obsessing and he'll never know you're on her FB, but it's not about fooling him at the end of the day - its about fooling yourself.

[Fern]

as you were kind enough to answer my dilemma, i'm going to give you my view on yours.

 

first and foremost, do you really need a FB account? if i were you, i'd delete it completely. without the temptation, you're less likely to look therefore less likely to see them playing happy families.

 

you definitely are torturing yourself. you KNOW that they "appear" happy together. tell me, how many times do you see couples taking photos of one another during an argument and posting them on FB? you don't.

 

i'd say looking at FB is the equivalent of breaking NC. every time i hear my phone ring, i think it's her... everytime you see the daughter online, you immediately start to question whether he's reaching out to you.

 

take a leaf out of your own book... is he "banging the door down begging for forgiveness"? at the moment it appears not, he's in a honeymoon stage and everything normal.

 

secondly, you need to be honest with yourself. can you REALLY take a man back that has left you for another woman? do you not deserve better? you'll always be looking over your shoulder/wondering whether he likes another woman better. you deserve better, you really do.

 

be with someone because they prize you. i'm the same, we go back/fantasise about reconciliation because it's the comfort of the old relationship we enjoy, not so much the person perhaps.

 

trust is everything in a relationship. don't let anyone tell you otherwise. loyalty, love, respect etc stem from trust. you cannot trust him. i cannot trust my ex.

 

give up hope and be patient because one day there will be someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. think of yourself as the better person for not calling it quits.

 

I would never take him back. That's not even a factor. I just hate that he replaced me overnight and he seems to be so much better a fit with her. I tried really hard in our relationship and he couldn't have been bothered. Now she's getting the benefit of all my hard work.

 

Basically it's all about my ego.

 

I need to stop looking. I'll block her on the work profile too. *sigh* I need to get strong. I can certainly dish out the advice but I'm not so good at acting on it...

[Fern]

No contact and no information versus contact and information: I think you need a bit of both to heal.

 

As we all know, NC is great for putting your ex in the past tense: you don't create new memories connected to him, so all that went on between you eventually moves into the "archive" of your brain.

 

Contact, or the sort of information you've been pursuing - confirmation of his new relationship and their plans - does help put finality on your break-up because it makes you face up to his current situation, but there's a thin line between "getting that in your head" and somehow stringing along your own emotional relationship with him by staying constantly updated with his new girl's FB. You also admitted that the FB stuff is helping you harbour a hope that his new relationship will fail. That's a normal desire under the circumstances, but I think it's connected to a subconscious hope of reconciliation (at least that's how I feel about my recent ex and his new girl, sorry to project onto you!)

 

Obsessing over her is an extension of obsessing over him. If I was you, I'd try to break the "habit". You might still do it occasionally but its still too much energy spent on something which is Not Your Problem. (When I obsess too much I've started walking round the house singing N.Y.P!! Not YOUR problem Rose!! lol - works for me!!)

 

If you're hitting the six month anniversary of your break-up, why not dedicate yourself a special day just for you? I'm planning that next week (when I hit two months!) i'm going to the hairdresser, going to do a bit of shopping, stupid stuff, but I want to plan a nice me-day!!

 

In the end, we all go through cycles of obsessing and he'll never know you're on her FB, but it's not about fooling him at the end of the day - its about fooling yourself.

 

That's good advice Rose. I will make a REAL try at not looking. I'll block her profile on the work account too. I think it did me some good, but it's not going to KEEP doing me good. I know now in my head that they quite likely have YEARS of a relationship to look forward to and I need to accept that. I don't need to keep seeing it played out in front of my eyes in pictures. I need to accept the relationship isn't ending any time soon in my heart now. I need to really let go and move on.

 

Thank you.

[PowerOfOne]

You never know what can happen Fern. That's what I've been telling myself. You just never know. Remember they are still in that honeymoon phase. Give it 6 months and she could cheat on him. Stranger things have happened.

 

But you're right. You can't hold on to it. You've got to focus on the direction you are going. At the moment I'm quite happy to pick a direction and let the universe figure out the rest.

 

Remember, you never know.

[Rose T]

My pleasure Fern - at the moment I'm better at giving advice than taking it, but fake it til you make it, as they say!!!

 

You know, they probably haven't got years ahead. But there's no point in sitting around waiting to see if it takes six months or six years for them to implode. Spring's round the corner - our own future relationships are a much more interesting focus than theirs.

[dng]

So what do you think? Am I hurting myself here or helping in some warped way? I should stop looking, shouldn't I? How do I do that? It's like an itch I can't stop scratching. I wish she would make her profile private and take the decision out of my hands.

 

Try and find it in your heart to wish them well. That new person has nothing to do with you, is not better or worse, just different.

 

A new love interest is not a judgement on you.

 

You'll be someone's new person too, you'll have a new person to explore and then you'll realize that its nothing special, especially after a long relationship.

 

Try and worry about yourself, not them. Bit by bit.

[Riversong]

Fern, you replied to my first ever post on here yesterday in which I said I was still finding it difficult a year on... Guess what, Ive been looking not on FB but a forum. It has been interesting, but I should do the same, the others who have posted are right, you end up giving yourself false hope and that does delay the healing process. That is prob where I've gone wrong!

[Fern]

Try and find it in your heart to wish them well. That new person has nothing to do with you, is not better or worse, just different.

 

A new love interest is not a judgement on you.

 

You'll be someone's new person too, you'll have a new person to explore and then you'll realize that its nothing special, especially after a long relationship.

 

Try and worry about yourself, not them. Bit by bit.

 

I know deep down this is what I need to do to properly move on. I'm going to try. I'm going to really try to find it in me to wish them well. Any suggestions on how I do that with sincerity? If I fake it long enough will that work?

[dng]

I know deep down this is what I need to do to properly move on. I'm going to try. I'm going to really try to find it in me to wish them well. Any suggestions on how I do that with sincerity? If I fake it long enough will that work?

 

Little by little. In my case, a new person bothered me at first but then I started realizing he'd be stuck with all her problems now and it actually helped me moved on.

 

You have a right to be angry at him for whatever way he wronged you but the other person doesn't enter it, didn't exist with you and him and they are irrelevant, really.

[Fern]

Little by little. In my case, a new person bothered me at first but then I started realizing he'd be stuck with all her problems now and it actually helped me moved on.

 

You have a right to be angry at him for whatever way he wronged you but the other person doesn't enter it, didn't exist with you and him and they are irrelevant, really.

 

If this new person was really 'new' and hadn't persistently pursued him whilst we were together, whilst pretending to be friendly to me at the same time and carrying on a relationship with him behind my back and behind the back of her own fiancee and father of her child - I'd find it easier to think she was irrelevant.

 

I honestly believe that if he was with someone else - ANYONE else, I'd be OK with that by now. I see that we were not right for each other. I just object to HER. If that makes sense?

 

But your point still stands. I need to be at the very least indifferent to them. It'd be even better to be so far past it that I could sincerely wish them well.

[J0N]

Fern,

Trust me on this, to get over someone you have to COMPLETELY cut off contact with them for a while. Stop checking FB and concerning yourself with his daily activities, now is the time to focus on you. Don't worry about wishing him well or anything like that, it's only a waste of your time. Sorry to be so harsh but it's the only way; it took me a while but once I started actively avoiding anything that had to do with my ex, she started to fade from my mind. And I began to feel a whole lot better.

[mickleb]

You absolutely are harming your recovery and you know it.

 

You should be completey focused on yourself and how you will go about improving your life. You sound borderline obsessed by that bunch of losers. What madness! A couple of cheaters, running away from reality and you've hitched a ride, stowed away, on their leaking loveboat!

 

You ask whoever it is who possesses the FB a/c you're sneaking those glimpses on, to change their password and tell you to "get a life" every time you start getting itchy again.

 

(Yes, this is a *tad* harsh but I sense you need a good kick up the arse, lady. You're above this.)

 

Now where's all that misspent energy going to go, to ensure your OWN life is headed exactly where you want it?

 

x

[Sergeant K]

In a weird way, I think knowing that my ex is in another relationship has helped me to slowly recover. It gives me the push I need to move on.

 

Sure I still feel pain and miss her, but i can see more clearly what kind of person she really is and has opened my eyes to things I didn't see before.

 

Just knowing is enough for me. I don't need/want to see it on facebook and haven't looked.

Edited January 27, 2011 by Sergeant K

[dng]

If this new person was really 'new' and hadn't persistently pursued him whilst we were together, whilst pretending to be friendly to me at the same time and carrying on a relationship with him behind my back and behind the back of her own fiancee and father of her child - I'd find it easier to think she was irrelevant.

 

I honestly believe that if he was with someone else - ANYONE else, I'd be OK with that by now. I see that we were not right for each other. I just object to HER. If that makes sense?

 

But your point still stands. I need to be at the very least indifferent to them. It'd be even better to be so far past it that I could sincerely wish them well.

 

Ok well. I didn't know all those bits and I didn't even answer your original question.

 

In time you will mean them well or yet, not care at all. In the meantime, you have to avoid looking at it. Bar yourself from anything you can access.

 

Someone just said "a couple of losers" and they are right, you know. You can't bounce from one person to another and be a full and genuine individual.

 

In the long run, you'll realise you dodged a bullet.

 

Until you get there, be pro-active in avoiding looking at anything. Would you put a picture of them on your fridge and look at it every morning? By snooping on FB, that's essentially what you are doing.

 

Come on, lady!

[Fern]

You absolutely are harming your recovery and you know it.

 

You should be completey focused on yourself and how you will go about improving your life. You sound borderline obsessed by that bunch of losers. What madness! A couple of cheaters, running away from reality and you've hitched a ride, stowed away, on their leaking loveboat!

 

You ask whoever it is who possesses the FB a/c you're sneaking those glimpses on, to change their password and tell you to "get a life" every time you start getting itchy again.

 

(Yes, this is a *tad* harsh but I sense you need a good kick up the arse, lady. You're above this.)

 

Now where's all that misspent energy going to go, to ensure your OWN life is headed exactly where you want it?

 

x

 

This made me .

 

You're right. You're all right. I'm done with my snooping. Onwards and upwards. Thank you!

[cj2]

If this new person was really 'new' and hadn't persistently pursued him whilst we were together, whilst pretending to be friendly to me at the same time and carrying on a relationship with him behind my back and behind the back of her own fiancee and father of her child - I'd find it easier to think she was irrelevant.

 

I honestly believe that if he was with someone else - ANYONE else, I'd be OK with that by now. I see that we were not right for each other. I just object to HER. If that makes sense?

 

But your point still stands. I need to be at the very least indifferent to them. It'd be even better to be so far past it that I could sincerely wish them well.

 

Exactly how I feel about my ex and her new other half. Honestly if it was someone else, someone new, I wouldn't be so bothered. But it's a guy who was 'just a friend', we even went out for drinks with him last summer when he was staying near our town for christ's sake. I trusted her when she said there was nothing there but that she started seeing less than 2 weeks after she ended our almost 3 year relationship. I even got told about a FB status update of hers recently by a friend which implies to me that she slept with him for the 1st time ON our 3 year anniversary!

 

I have moments where it still consumes me and I hope that it fails miserably and that when it does, she looks back and realises that she walked away from the single best thing to ever happen to her. But that isn't really healthy, much like your situation.

 

The only advice I can give is much the same as others and that it to concentrate on you. Anger is not a waste of energy if you channel it into doing things for yourself that make you feel good.. I am trying so hard to focus on building myself an amazing life, so that if it does ever fail between them she will be so jealous of what I have and that if it doesn't, I won't care anyway! If I can do it, considering I was a weeping mess a couple of months ago, then I am sure you can too!

[Fern]

Exactly how I feel about my ex and her new other half. Honestly if it was someone else, someone new, I wouldn't be so bothered. But it's a guy who was 'just a friend', we even went out for drinks with him last summer when he was staying near our town for christ's sake. I trusted her when she said there was nothing there but that she started seeing less than 2 weeks after she ended our almost 3 year relationship. I even got told about a FB status update of hers recently by a friend which implies to me that she slept with him for the 1st time ON our 3 year anniversary!

 

I have moments where it still consumes me and I hope that it fails miserably and that when it does, she looks back and realises that she walked away from the single best thing to ever happen to her. But that isn't really healthy, much like your situation.

 

The only advice I can give is much the same as others and that it to concentrate on you. Anger is not a waste of energy if you channel it into doing things for yourself that make you feel good.. I am trying so hard to focus on building myself an amazing life, so that if it does ever fail between them she will be so jealous of what I have and that if it doesn't, I won't care anyway! If I can do it, considering I was a weeping mess a couple of months ago, then I am sure you can too!

 

That's crazy. They're not good people you know. Our exes, I mean. We did dodge a bullet. I feel so much easier in my mind now than I did earlier when I posted this thread. I'm gonna be ok - so will you. Better than ok. We can look ourselves in the eyes in the mirror. I don't know how they do it. It's bordering on sociopathy the way they can jump from one person to another and straight up LIE to the person they're with. They'll behave in exactly the same way in their new relationship eventually.

[Rose T]

That's crazy. They're not good people you know. Our exes, I mean. We did dodge a bullet. I feel so much easier in my mind now than I did earlier when I posted this thread. I'm gonna be ok - so will you. Better than ok. We can look ourselves in the eyes in the mirror. I don't know how they do it. It's bordering on sociopathy the way they can jump from one person to another and straight up LIE to the person they're with. They'll behave in exactly the same way in their new relationship eventually.

 

I am in exactly the same position as you and Cj2 - my ex is now with the co-worker who contributed to our break-up. I recently got an extremely confused email from my ex saying that he'd screwed up and should have stuck with me and sorted out our problems, that he's looking at the last two months and just feels they're all a massive mistake, that he loves me still and would do anything to fix things... I replied that due to the infidelity there was no way back - (really hard thing to write because on some level I still love him, but what can you do...)

 

Then I realised that I had the perfect tool to throw a real spanner in the works of his new relationship. His new girl's email address is on their corporate website - I could so easily forward her this mail - !! - but I'm not going to do it for two reasons....

 

1.) I'm not going to do HIS dirty work for him. If he's not enjoying the new relationship and is hoping that that implodes too (maybe he even knows that this email being out there is dangerous) he's going to need to face that all by himself.

 

2.) Their relationship was born out of lies and cheating and looks like they're still in that situation - only now he's communicating with me behind her back! sick!

 

From where I'm standing, their new relationship is not going to last forever and is going to cause them plenty of heart-ache along the way. But I don't owe her anything - including this warning about what my ex is capable of. They deserve to waste each other's time - for months, if not years. That's how I see their relationship now, and it's helping me enjoy being single, enjoy the great group of friends I've been building around me and feel much less screwed up than they probably are.

[Fern]

I am in exactly the same position as you and Cj2 - my ex is now with the co-worker who contributed to our break-up. I recently got an extremely confused email from my ex saying that he'd screwed up and should have stuck with me and sorted out our problems, that he's looking at the last two months and just feels they're all a massive mistake, that he loves me still and would do anything to fix things... I replied that due to the infidelity there was no way back - (really hard thing to write because on some level I still love him, but what can you do...)

 

Then I realised that I had the perfect tool to throw a real spanner in the works of his new relationship. His new girl's email address is on their corporate website - I could so easily forward her this mail - !! - but I'm not going to do it for two reasons....

 

1.) I'm not going to do HIS dirty work for him. If he's not enjoying the new relationship and is hoping that that implodes too (maybe he even knows that this email being out there is dangerous) he's going to need to face that all by himself.

 

2.) Their relationship was born out of lies and cheating and looks like they're still in that situation - only now he's communicating with me behind her back! sick!

 

From where I'm standing, their new relationship is not going to last forever and is going to cause them plenty of heart-ache along the way. But I don't owe her anything - including this warning about what my ex is capable of. They deserve to waste each other's time - for months, if not years. That's how I see their relationship now, and it's helping me enjoy being single, enjoy the great group of friends I've been building around me and feel much less screwed up than they probably are.

 

That's a really helpful way to look at it. They ARE wasting each other's time. Neither of them has anything or anybody but each other. Neither of them has any scruples about using other people for their own benefit. Neither of them is self-aware enough to keep a healthy relationship going. They have another 2 years in them tops - if that article I read about the honeymoon period is correct. The average honeymoon period is 2 years, 5 months. Sounds to me like your exes relationship is a rebound, Rose. They have an even worse prognosis - 9 months average there.

 

Whatever - they're not wasting OUR time anymore. I'm back on good form today. No snooping, keeping busy and feeling positive again. His loss!

[ALonerAgain]

If this new person was really 'new' and hadn't persistently pursued him whilst we were together, whilst pretending to be friendly to me at the same time and carrying on a relationship with him behind my back and behind the back of her own fiancee and father of her child - I'd find it easier to think she was irrelevant.

 

I honestly believe that if he was with someone else - ANYONE else, I'd be OK with that by now. I see that we were not right for each other. I just object to HER. If that makes sense?

 

But your point still stands. I need to be at the very least indifferent to them. It'd be even better to be so far past it that I could sincerely wish them well.

 

Fern, how uncanny that bits of your situation sound exactly like mine, except I'm 6 months ahead of you (making that almost a year). And yes, it still hurts, but I'm getting on with my life and pushing thoughts of them together as far back as possible. Although, sometimes that's just not far enough.

 

I totally understand your point about the 'other woman': if it was some random person that we had no idea about; no conversations exchanged or images to compare ourselves with, it would be 'easier'. But I guess it's the deceipt; the lies; the looks; the intentions the other woman had. Not that the ex isn't to blame: mine was a coward in trying to make out his justifications in ending our 4 year stint abruptly (over the phone).

 

In my case, I'm not totally sure that there was outright cheating involved, but I suspect that there were 'looks' and 'feelings' going on between my ex and his new 'love' that could be classed as more than friends.

 

The suspicians were actually created by snippets of info I (unintentionally) gathered from FB: pictures, flirtatious comments. Morbid curiousity got the better of me and like you, I snooped on her profile (I had deleted my ex off mine as I couldn't stand to see his face on my list). There it was, in her posts: the 'perfect' Xmas present she'd found for him; her birthday holiday they would be taking together... urgh, that was it. It hurt extra because I could see why he would go for her: she was his 'type'; the type that I innocently had asked him about while we were together (oh how these 'innocent' details come back to haunt you).

 

That was last month and I haven't looked again since.

 

So for me, I guess that was the impetus for me to move on. I, too have revenge fantasies that they will grew bored of one another: after the honeymoon fades, it would be interesting to see if he has changed or if he will let his insecurities seep through. But, only in my dreams, I guess. Hopefully by that stage I would have healed enough to not care either way.

 

Good luck to you. I wish you well in your recovery.

Edited January 28, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[cj2]

That's crazy. They're not good people you know. Our exes, I mean. We did dodge a bullet. I feel so much easier in my mind now than I did earlier when I posted this thread. I'm gonna be ok - so will you. Better than ok. We can look ourselves in the eyes in the mirror. I don't know how they do it. It's bordering on sociopathy the way they can jump from one person to another and straight up LIE to the person they're with. They'll behave in exactly the same way in their new relationship eventually.

 

Sorry took me a while to reply been busy on the socialiasing front! Uncanny that you should say that about bordering on sociopathy because I had that exact same thought during the week, that there must actually be something seriously wrong with the way her brain works for her to be able to do this. I mean there was still talk by her of marriage, mortgages and children right up until the last week, I don't get why someone would say those things and then a month later be in a relationship with someone else unless they outright lied for a period, or the whole of the relationship.

 

At least it didn't happen a year down the line I suppose, because I was going to propose at Christmas and we would have been looking to buy a house right about now.. then it could have got REALLY messy!

 

I just read your original story by the way and it's interesting as there are a lot of parrallel's with my own, just in the way you invested a hell of a lot in the relationship but never really got anything back in return. For me that has been what has made mine so hard to get over, the fact that I put so much in, pretty much helped her turn her life around and then she walked away seemingly for someone else (who just happens to be rather successfull in the career she wanted to switch to).