is2008 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 so she emails me to say we've known each other for so long and we know each other inside out and that we have the opportunity to be great friends... she was the dumper and has clearly stated she doesn't want a relationship with me... i want her back but not unless she changes her attitude towards me. what do you guys suggest?
Fern Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 so she emails me to say we've known each other for so long and we know each other inside out and that we have the opportunity to be great friends... she was the dumper and has clearly stated she doesn't want a relationship with me... i want her back but not unless she changes her attitude towards me. what do you guys suggest? Ignore it. She wants you to tell her it's OK so she can stop feeling guilty. She has no interest in ACTUALLY being friends. Just don't reply. It'll drive her bananas.
Author is2008 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 thanks fern. it's difficult to cut somoene out of your life after 7 years, and you tend to cling onto any hope of reconciliation. i haven't replied to it, i read it and deleted it. she knows what i want from her, i'm an all or nothing guy but with her the feelings are strong.
PowerOfOne Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 If my ex were to tell me that I'd reply with: "Clearly you don't know me inside out. Otherwise, you'd know that I don't settle for less than I want." I'm not saying that it's what you should do. But it's what I'd do and then go back to NC.
Fern Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 thanks fern. it's difficult to cut somoene out of your life after 7 years, and you tend to cling onto any hope of reconciliation. i haven't replied to it, i read it and deleted it. she knows what i want from her, i'm an all or nothing guy but with her the feelings are strong. I hear you. I was with my ex 6 years. He made it pretty easy for me though - he was seeing a co-worker behind my back and went straight from me to a relationship with her. You're doing the right thing. If you reconcile it needs to be with her banging down your door begging or you'll never entirely trust that she means it. Keep ignoring her until you're getting the reactions you need to see from her.
Author is2008 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 If my ex were to tell me that I'd reply with: "Clearly you don't know me inside out. Otherwise, you'd know that I don't settle for less than I want." I'm not saying that it's what you should do. But it's what I'd do and then go back to NC. Pretty much the same with me really. She wasn't even good to me, it's just you build your hopes and dreams around one person and then one day, they decide they don't want to be a part of it.
Author is2008 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 I hear you. I was with my ex 6 years. He made it pretty easy for me though - he was seeing a co-worker behind my back and went straight from me to a relationship with her. You're doing the right thing. If you reconcile it needs to be with her banging down your door begging or you'll never entirely trust that she means it. Keep ignoring her until you're getting the reactions you need to see from her. Fantastic post I really feel for you. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. With my situation though, there's nobody else involved (as far as I'm aware) which makes it difficult to let go... although eventually I'm sure there will be. As it was an LDR, i can't see her ever banging down my door begging. The best I'd get is begging on the phone and a plane ticket to see her. I'd settle for that.. that'd be what i consider the right reactions. But I can't see that happening. I'm going to maintain strict NC from now on.. are you NC with your ex?
PowerOfOne Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I know how you feel, mate. It's so very tempting to keep them in your life even if it is only as friends. It seems easier than having to give up all those dreams, especially after 7 years. I thank my stars that when she broke up with me but still wanted to stay friends I managed to say no. I'm still pretty proud of that, I have no idea where the strength to say that came from! I'm 2 months out from the breakup and I still have days where I have to tell myself again and again that those dreams are gone. It helps (a little) to conjure up new ones.
Author is2008 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 if we're honest with ourselves though, they gave up the hopes and dreams, what use is it clinging onto something if the other person doesn't want it? i think after a breakup the biggest fear is of loneliness, uncertainty over the future, and not so much the person that left... usually they detach themselves long before they leave and it becomes noticeable that they're not putting any effort into the relationship. ex - pedestal = average boy/girl.
Fern Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Fantastic post I really feel for you. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. With my situation though, there's nobody else involved (as far as I'm aware) which makes it difficult to let go... although eventually I'm sure there will be. As it was an LDR, i can't see her ever banging down my door begging. The best I'd get is begging on the phone and a plane ticket to see her. I'd settle for that.. that'd be what i consider the right reactions. But I can't see that happening. I'm going to maintain strict NC from now on.. are you NC with your ex? Oh God yes. Since October. Well mostly. I've seen him out and about (with HER attached like a limpet) but I've only actually SPOKEN to him once - Xmas Eve. What a headf**k that was. He did the whole 'I miss you, I'm so sorry, I still dream about you, I hate that I hurt you' guilt bulls**t. And I fell for it. I told him it was OK, that we'd be friends eventually he just needed to give me more time. Then I spent the whole night drinking and chatting with him like old times. He was VERY flirty in his actions while his words said 'sorry it just didn't work out'. At the time it felt great. It was like finally getting some indication I HAD actually meant something to him and he hadn't forgotten me. But I crashed the next few days. Xmas I cried during dinner, boxing day I cried, the day after boxing day I cried again. He just wanted me to tell him I forgave him and then he went right back to being HER man now. Our mutual group of friends had a holiday arranged for May which I confirmed I was going on when we spoke Xmas Eve. I discovered two weeks ago that he's coming and bringing the New Girl. That ended any plans I had of ever being 'friends' with him. If he cared at ALL about my feelings he wouldn't do that to me. By May I'm not going to care. I'm over him and our imaginary relationship already. What still smarts is being replaced overnight by a dull child with a pretty face, which is all his New Girl is. Still - there are other holidays, other years - why does he have to bring her on MY holiday? That's not the action of a friend. F**k him. It'll all go pear shaped with her eventually.
Author is2008 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 lets hope it does go pear shaped with her eventually. sounds like he only offered friendship because he's guilty and/or he wants to put you on a backburner just in case. sounds like another case of GIGS. that's what i think my ex is going through. lets hope by the time they come round, we're both happy with new people. that'd be the ultimate revenge in my eyes.
PowerOfOne Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 It's funny, I'm doing this journaling thing to release some of those feelings. It's actually very handy. But I wrote something very similar an hour ago. My biggest fear is that I won't find that someone 'better'. It's almost crippling. I know I've got her on a bit of a pedestal. I'm constantly kicking it out from under her though. Something I keep telling myself is that you just never know what life will throw at you. Good things happen. Bad things happen. Bad (even worse) things happen to good people all the time. That's life. She could be cheated on in her next relationship or divorced in ten years. It could happen to us too! Time is the great equaliser. The only thing you can control is how you face the future. Are you going to be positive about it or mope and dwell on the past? I choose to believe that great things are going to happen. That I've got some fantastic dreams of my own to pursue. That if i'm open and positive that good things will come. And if i can get through this I can get through almost anything! All easier said then done.
Author is2008 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 it is easier said than done! i hear ya!! it is true though, we can dwell on the past all we want, it's not going to change it and in fact we're wasting precious time which could be used to benefit our futures. i too am slowly kicking the pedestal away from her. surprisingly i'm on NC (again for the nth time!) for the past 2 days and i'm slowly coming round to the fact that she was no good for me. two quotes that have helped are "this too shall pass" and "we are all a prize to be pursued".
ccfan Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 it is easier said than done! i hear ya!! it is true though, we can dwell on the past all we want, it's not going to change it and in fact we're wasting precious time which could be used to benefit our futures. i too am slowly kicking the pedestal away from her. surprisingly i'm on NC (again for the nth time!) for the past 2 days and i'm slowly coming round to the fact that she was no good for me. two quotes that have helped are "this too shall pass" and "we are all a prize to be pursued". Well... i just got of the phone with my ex 5 minutes ago after 3 months of NC. She just told me as in your case, that "she wants to have a beautiful friendship" and that she doesn´t see me as a boyfriend and this was going on during most of our relationship.... I felt like i was being stabbed while listening to those words.. I didn´t even say anything about the "beautiful friendship" she wants... I´m just in shock that while we were talking about marriage and strating a family during the relationship she knew inside that it was not going to happen and just went along with a lie.... i´m in shock and it hurts like hell... the only good thing is that the limbo is over, and know i know her for what she really was... a lier. I WILL NOT, NEVER EVER be a friend of this girl and like you i expect to kick her off the pedestal... it will be hard,,,, but we have to stay strong friend.
Author is2008 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 well done on the 3 months NC! you were really getting somewhere! why did you break it? i think for both our sakes we need to forget our ex's. they want the comfort of having us around but doing whatever the hell they like as well... whilst relieving some guilt along the way. i'm not going to be that person for her and neither should you. be strong!!
Fern Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Reading this makes me glad I had no pedestal to kick my Ex off of. Were your relationships really that good? When I look back at mine now, I see me doing a LOT of compromising (giving in to him), pandering (doing whatever it took to keep him happy) and him doing very little but leeching off me financially and emotionally. Have you guys tried sitting down and writing a list of all their bad points and all the sh*tty things they did while you were together?
Author is2008 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Reading this makes me glad I had no pedestal to kick my Ex off of. Were your relationships really that good? When I look back at mine now, I see me doing a LOT of compromising (giving in to him), pandering (doing whatever it took to keep him happy) and him doing very little but leeching off me financially and emotionally. Have you guys tried sitting down and writing a list of all their bad points and all the sh*tty things they did while you were together? Fern, my relationship was aweful upon reflection. I did anything and everything to keep the relationship alive much to my anger and frustration. Like you, i did a LOT of compromising and pandering. She was never around when it mattered but when she needed emotional support I had to be there and if I complained about anything, I was being selfish... I've written a list of all her bad points, then deleted it. It could have gone onto two pages of A4... but no matter how badly she treated me, I still love her for some reason and would still consider reconciliation. Perhaps I've gotten used to the dysfunctional relationship.
ccfan Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) well done on the 3 months NC! you were really getting somewhere! why did you break it? i think for both our sakes we need to forget our ex's. they want the comfort of having us around but doing whatever the hell they like as well... whilst relieving some guilt along the way. i'm not going to be that person for her and neither should you. be strong!! Thanks for your words IS !! She dumped me at the end of september and I went total NC one month after that, I was strong enough even spending christmas and nye alone at home (we had plans to travel together those days)... I tought that if i did survive that I was well on my way of total recovery, but sadly one day out of the blue i could not hold it any longer and sent her a text... she texted back gave me mixed signals for about two weeks until yesterday when we spoke and she told me she only sees me as a "beautiful friend" and that there was no way around it... now this was a girl with whom we dicussed a wedding, kids and so on, and now she wants to be friends and asked me to please consider that idea a she "needs me in her life" ..... I didn´t reply to her , today I woke up and put every single item of hers that i have in my house in a box and threw it to the garbage in a dumpster near by (it actually feels good i suggest you should do it to) and needless to say i´d never ever be the "friend" she wants me to be, i´m dissapearing and this time for good. I have to be extra careful as she´s a TV host and I´m a musician so our worlds tend to cross a bit, as for now i have her TV station blocked on my TV set. IS like you said we need to be really strong and realize that while we are spending time here, talking to our friends about it and in general spending insane amounts of energy thinking about them and figuring out what happened or how to make it right... they are barely thinking about us. The only card we have in our hands is not to give in the ultimate no.self.steem move wich would be being their friends,,,, Strong should be the word we have to visualize in our minds... I know it´s easier said than done, but we´ll be fine hermano. Edited January 28, 2011 by ccfan
ccfan Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Reading this makes me glad I had no pedestal to kick my Ex off of. Were your relationships really that good? When I look back at mine now, I see me doing a LOT of compromising (giving in to him), pandering (doing whatever it took to keep him happy) and him doing very little but leeching off me financially and emotionally. Have you guys tried sitting down and writing a list of all their bad points and all the sh*tty things they did while you were together? Hi FERN, Exactly! that is what drives me absolutely insane!! , the fact that I have her on a ridiculous high pedestal when she was an absolutely horrible girlfriend (superficial, only wanted to talk about money, always telling me how cute other guys are, spending insane amounts of money to pretend to look wealthy, never wanting to improve herself by learning english -as our language is spanish-, her life revolved around going to discos every night ) believe me i can go for so long in that list.... A silly romantic part of me believed that there was something special in her and if i fought long enough she would be the princess i always dreamed about... boy was i wrong..... ....and still I have her on a pedestal, little by little going down but is there as for now.... i´m angry at myself for feeling that way about someone that doesn´t even thinks about me at all..... I wish i was stronger like you are FERN but as for now i´ll little by little star the healing proccess and NC this time for good.
0hpenelope Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) so she emails me to say we've known each other for so long and we know each other inside out and that we have the opportunity to be great friends... she was the dumper and has clearly stated she doesn't want a relationship with me... i want her back but not unless she changes her attitude towards me. what do you guys suggest? I suggest you keep that in mind whenever you feel that longing for her. Whenever I feel longing for my ex, that's what I keep in mind. There's no use in asking "Why does he/she not want to be with me anymore?" Take it for what it is and just go away because that's what our ex wants: to be apart from us. now this was a girl with whom we dicussed a wedding, kids and so on, and now she wants to be friends and asked me to please consider that idea a she "needs me in her life" ..... Here's me rolling my eyes. Whatever friend she's looking for, she already has a few I'm sure. It's really just to make themselves feel less guilty and honestly, nothing they say or do will make us feel better. needless to say i´d never ever be the "friend" she wants me to be, i´m dissapearing and this time for good. That's right. No bitterness, no resentment, she chose to leave you and you have no further obligations to her. I'm sure she won't die for not having you as her friend. :rolleyes: IS like you said we need to be really strong and realize that while we are spending time here, talking to our friends about it and in general spending insane amounts of energy thinking about them and figuring out what happened or how to make it right... they are barely thinking about us. That's right! One-sided break-ups are self-serving to the dumper and any amount of being nice, letting us down easy just makes the break-up worse. The only good break-up I'm aware of is when the break-up's mutual. Otherwise, break-ups are completely self-serving. I'm hurt about my ex leaving me, I'm not angry at him anymore, but it doesn't mean I'm willing to settle for the "breadcrumbs" of friendship. He's the one who wants me gone, so he can have it. I'm giving it to him - take all the space away from me that he so wants. "I care about you, Penny." He's still walking away from me anyway, in spite of caring. :rolleyes::rolleyes: I love this icon. Edited January 28, 2011 by 0hpenelope
ccfan Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) Hello there Penelope, ...yes, as we talked about the other time, my ex´s idea of letting things "flow" was to finally say to me the "lets be friends" line... and very much like you I won´t settle for the breadcrumbs of such friendship... no way... only the thought of her mentioning to me "her beautiful friend" about going out with a guy literally makes me sick. I´m still in the stage were i have resentment and bitterness and although i do wish her the best, sometimes i wish that the next guy cheats on her or something along those lines so she can see what a great chance she missed, childdish .. i know... ... since she just told me last night that the friendship was the only way to go i´m still very much in shock and tremendous pain... like the poster IS2008 said i won´t settle being friends not even in a million years... I´m still getting rid of every last bit of her stuff in my place, it´s incredible how many little things can be left around that makes you remember the relationship, shampoo, her toothbrush, etc.... not to mention all the pics on FB , in the pc, cell phone and so on.... It´s not fun but we´ll all heal.... that´s for sure Edited January 29, 2011 by ccfan
fiat500 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 screw friendship with exes. i really hate when they pull the friendship card. it's FAKE. it means nothing to them. they can survive without you in their life. OBVIOUSLY. they only offer it because they don't want to feel guilt. they would throw you under a bus if and when they got the chance. they don't care about your feelings. they no longer see you as a person. i had to get my stuff back three weeks ago. he insisted he wanted to be friends. what a jack off.
0hpenelope Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 screw friendship with exes. i really hate when they pull the friendship card. it's FAKE. it means nothing to them. they can survive without you in their life. OBVIOUSLY. they only offer it because they don't want to feel guilt. they would throw you under a bus if and when they got the chance. they don't care about your feelings. they no longer see you as a person. i had to get my stuff back three weeks ago. he insisted he wanted to be friends. what a jack off. MHMMM... Say it loud & proud. They'll deny this up and down and it's rare to find those exes that do mean it when they offer friendship. It's even rarer to find the ones who know how to pull it off (offering friendship).
ccfan Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Well.... speaking of which i just got a text from my ex, two days after she told me in a very arrogant manner that she never really cared for me even though she tried and that she just wanted a "beautiful friendship"... she wrote me this: "Good morning!! I hope by that the way our conversation went the other night you won´t think that I´m a bad person, please promise that you don´t think that of me. Again I´m sorry that i can´t correspond you as a woman, but i want you to have all the blessings from God as you mean the world to me and hope that sometime in the near future we can see eachother as two great friends, hugs, i really care about you!" My response: ok, have a good day. There´s NO way i´m giving in to what she´s trying to pull off with this friendship thing, and I think the fact that she wrote that message means that even a selfish, superficial girl like her realized that the things she told me the other night we totally unnapropiate... Next time i´m not even answering the message....
fiat500 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Well.... speaking of which i just got a text from my ex, two days after she told me in a very arrogant manner that she never really cared for me even though she tried and that she just wanted a "beautiful friendship"... she wrote me this: "Good morning!! I hope by that the way our conversation went the other night you won´t think that I´m a bad person, please promise that you don´t think that of me. Again I´m sorry that i can´t correspond you as a woman, but i want you to have all the blessings from God as you mean the world to me and hope that sometime in the near future we can see eachother as two great friends, hugs, i really care about you!" My response: ok, have a good day. There´s NO way i´m giving in to what she´s trying to pull off with this friendship thing, and I think the fact that she wrote that message means that even a selfish, superficial girl like her realized that the things she told me the other night we totally unnapropiate... Next time i´m not even answering the message.... wait wha? what does her email even mean? can't correspond you as a woman? what is that? i don't...understand.. i wouldn't have responded to her stupid email personally. it would have hurt her a lot. or you could have told her that you would never forgive her and leave it at that.
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