SunsetRed Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I had an eye opening experience recently. I went to a party held at a local bar and ended up hanging out all night with a fun guy. He was being silly and kept getting people to take pictures of us as we held up our beer bottles and made funny poses. We exchanged email addresses and he later emailed me the pics and when I saw them, it hit me...I have more pics of me with this stranger than I did with my xMM. I was with the stranger one night and with my xMM for 1.5 years. I must've been dense as a rock to believe my xMM. He swore that he and the wife were done with each other, that she had been the one to dissolve their marriage and didn't want him..yet he did not want any pics of us together to exist. He had a few pics he took of me by myself, but he would quickly delete them so that no one would ever see them. He refused to have any couple pics of us. Once we went on a small cruise and as part of the cruise package, you got to have a couple's pic of yourselves and he refused to let that be taken because he said that sometimes the cruise companies use those pics on their web page. How humiliating. And it took a stranger being silly with a camera to make me see how un-validated I was. Well, I'm going to more parties and am going to make a point to have pictures taken of all the fun I'm having. Then when I start to pine for my xMM. I can look at the pictures of my life w/out him and look at my pics of the life I had w/ him (none exist) and do the comparison. Anybody else recall how they were made to feel like they were trash that needed to be hidden from view?
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I must've been dense as a rock to believe my xMM No, don't put yourself down! You're not dense. ExMM was just very good at manipulating, lying and telling you what you wanted to hear..Convincingly. Just like what he's done to his wife. Congrats to you for having this "lightbulb" moment! Hope you have many more and stay strong!
East7 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 How humiliating. And it took a stranger being silly with a camera to make me see how un-validated I was. Humiliating, isn't it? like a bunch of things in an A. Probably he didn't trust you, he might have been thinking that you could show one day these pics to his wife. While lying that he is done with his W.. ! He wanted to sleep with you but no pics please...such a jerk! Fortunately, my xMW didn't react this way, we have so many pics together that I could fill a big box...I wonder if I should discard them.
OpenBook Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Anybody else recall how they were made to feel like they were trash that needed to be hidden from view? I don't think "wanting to hide you from view" equates to "he thinks you're trash." Even so, the reasons weren't for you or your benefit. There were about a million of these "reasons" for me, and I chose to ignore them all. It was that good. Never again.
Fieldsofgold Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I had an eye opening experience recently. I went to a party held at a local bar and ended up hanging out all night with a fun guy. He was being silly and kept getting people to take pictures of us as we held up our beer bottles and made funny poses. We exchanged email addresses and he later emailed me the pics and when I saw them, it hit me...I have more pics of me with this stranger than I did with my xMM. I was with the stranger one night and with my xMM for 1.5 years. I must've been dense as a rock to believe my xMM. He swore that he and the wife were done with each other, that she had been the one to dissolve their marriage and didn't want him..yet he did not want any pics of us together to exist. He had a few pics he took of me by myself, but he would quickly delete them so that no one would ever see them. He refused to have any couple pics of us. Once we went on a small cruise and as part of the cruise package, you got to have a couple's pic of yourselves and he refused to let that be taken because he said that sometimes the cruise companies use those pics on their web page. How humiliating. And it took a stranger being silly with a camera to make me see how un-validated I was. Well, I'm going to more parties and am going to make a point to have pictures taken of all the fun I'm having. Then when I start to pine for my xMM. I can look at the pictures of my life w/out him and look at my pics of the life I had w/ him (none exist) and do the comparison. Anybody else recall how they were made to feel like they were trash that needed to be hidden from view? First of all, I'm glad you had a great time with some fun people. Keep doing lots of that! My xMM-Liar used to send flowers, gifts, cards. If he saw my car in town, he might leave roses and a card on my windshield. One thing I noticed - he would sign the card with some sweet loving sentiment - but he never signed his name. I thought that was odd and asked him about it a couple of times. He had some mumbled excuse. Truth of course was that he was lying about being divorced. He didn't want anything with "evidence" on it. This is the same guy that sat all up in church with me on Sunday morning and helped me with various aspects of my church servic duties! Same guy who took me to his work functions, very open public R. There were hundreds of eye-witnesses! But he wouldn't sign his name to a card. Stupid loser. Keep having fun, and collecting pics!
half_ofa_heart Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Wow! I must be the dumbest OW/Mistress on the face of the planet! I don't get cards, flowers, gifts or even a bought meal!!!! I get nada! The only thing I have ever gotten from him is CD's that he has burned himself. Just add to the list of things I WOULD NEVER PUT UP WITH FROM A GUY I WOULD DATE! Yet, here I am... putting up with what???? Pictures???? I have all kinds of pictures of him that have been taken by his wife that he sends me via email - how thoughtful huh?! The more I hear from you other OW, the more I realize how I can't even get the mistress thing down right. UGH!!!
Goldenspoon Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I had an eye opening experience recently. You're his dirty little secret that he is ashamed of, literally.
Author SunsetRed Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Once when he was between apts, he lived with me for a couple of months. He wasn't ashamed to live with me when he needed a place to stay and even used my place as a storage unit for all his crap...BUT....when he got his own place again, he wouldn't allow me to leave anything of mine at his place. I didn't even have a toothbrush. Yet he had a key to my place and would come as freely as he pleased. He was military and I wasn't allowed to go to any military functions with him because until his divorce was final, he was getting paid extra for being married and he didn't want to jeapordize that. If we met any of his military buddies by accident, we had to pretend we were just friends. YET, he wanted to know every detail of any co worker of mine and even questioned me about guys I am FB friends with...WTF...again, where was my head? And what's wrong with me now, that I still struggle with wanting him back? I've accused his wife of being a self serving user, but he was also a user. I've heard the saying "some people are made for each other, and other people deserve each other." I think this applies in this case.
Fieldsofgold Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Wow! I must be the dumbest OW/Mistress on the face of the planet! I don't get cards, flowers, gifts or even a bought meal!!!! I get nada! The only thing I have ever gotten from him is CD's that he has burned himself. Just add to the list of things I WOULD NEVER PUT UP WITH FROM A GUY I WOULD DATE! Yet, here I am... putting up with what???? Pictures???? I have all kinds of pictures of him that have been taken by his wife that he sends me via email - how thoughtful huh?! The more I hear from you other OW, the more I realize how I can't even get the mistress thing down right. UGH!!! Oh, honey, don't think like that! Consider yourself fortunate and blessed! Just think if he was doing all that for you, it would just make it that much harder for you to walk away. And you WILL walk away, one day. I read your posts; you are getting stronger and more fed-up; you are getting in touch with what you deserve vs. what you are getting from the relationship. One day soon, I think you will be posting about all the fun you had with some nice guy.
half_ofa_heart Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Oh, honey, don't think like that! Consider yourself fortunate and blessed! Just think if he was doing all that for you, it would just make it that much harder for you to walk away. And you WILL walk away, one day. I read your posts; you are getting stronger and more fed-up; you are getting in touch with what you deserve vs. what you are getting from the relationship. One day soon, I think you will be posting about all the fun you had with some nice guy. Oh FOG.... How I do hope you are correct!!!! I was told that the men to women ratio in Alaska is 10:1.... I think the only way to get over my MM is to move away and what better place then a place where there will be plenty of opportunity??!!! Thanks FOG, I so appreciate and respect all of your posts!
Mimolicious Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I light of the subject title... Sunset (ironic). See how people take pictures of the "Sunset" and make beautiful art for their walls? Next time you see yourself in a relationship, make sure you are that sunset in the picture, just with a very special strong frame. You are the center in the picture of your life. Look for someone who compliments that picture, rather than not snapping it. Be blessed!
Heather1 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Wow! I must be the dumbest OW/Mistress on the face of the planet! I don't get cards, flowers, gifts or even a bought meal!!!! I get nada! The only thing I have ever gotten from him is CD's that he has burned himself. Just add to the list of things I WOULD NEVER PUT UP WITH FROM A GUY I WOULD DATE! Yet, here I am... putting up with what???? Pictures???? I have all kinds of pictures of him that have been taken by his wife that he sends me via email - how thoughtful huh?! The more I hear from you other OW, the more I realize how I can't even get the mistress thing down right. UGH!!! I used to struggle w/ this too & didn't understand it. Once I let this all go I realized he did things in other arena's that well made up for gifts or anything else. It also makes it easier to distance myself. Sometimes people give gifts because they can't give themselves. I think xOM was giving himself, not gifts. As for pics...I have one group photo where our body language was obvious, a year before the PA. Someone just posted that BS found a pic & was about to confront the wrong woman based on that picture. There was also that incident where Obama's RH man's mistress got billboards of them in NY, SF, LA. The cruise is more important than pictures.... And to be honest, that's one of the consequences of this. We signed on that line.....
Fieldsofgold Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Once when he was between apts, he lived with me for a couple of months. He wasn't ashamed to live with me when he needed a place to stay and even used my place as a storage unit for all his crap...BUT....when he got his own place again, he wouldn't allow me to leave anything of mine at his place. I didn't even have a toothbrush. Yet he had a key to my place and would come as freely as he pleased. He was military and I wasn't allowed to go to any military functions with him because until his divorce was final, he was getting paid extra for being married and he didn't want to jeapordize that. If we met any of his military buddies by accident, we had to pretend we were just friends. YET, he wanted to know every detail of any co worker of mine and even questioned me about guys I am FB friends with...WTF...again, where was my head? And what's wrong with me now, that I still struggle with wanting him back? I've accused his wife of being a self serving user, but he was also a user. I've heard the saying "some people are made for each other, and other people deserve each other." I think this applies in this case. What a sucky, one-sided R. Ugh! I'm sorry. As for the bolded. . . I think A's are addictive and habit-forming. Hard to break free, even though it is no healthy or what you want. Keep doing what you are doing. You'll get stronger and stronger as time passes.
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I had an eye opening experience recently. I went to a party held at a local bar and ended up hanging out all night with a fun guy. He was being silly and kept getting people to take pictures of us as we held up our beer bottles and made funny poses. We exchanged email addresses and he later emailed me the pics and when I saw them, it hit me...I have more pics of me with this stranger than I did with my xMM. I was with the stranger one night and with my xMM for 1.5 years. I must've been dense as a rock to believe my xMM. He swore that he and the wife were done with each other, that she had been the one to dissolve their marriage and didn't want him..yet he did not want any pics of us together to exist. He had a few pics he took of me by myself, but he would quickly delete them so that no one would ever see them. He refused to have any couple pics of us. Once we went on a small cruise and as part of the cruise package, you got to have a couple's pic of yourselves and he refused to let that be taken because he said that sometimes the cruise companies use those pics on their web page. How humiliating. And it took a stranger being silly with a camera to make me see how un-validated I was. Well, I'm going to more parties and am going to make a point to have pictures taken of all the fun I'm having. Then when I start to pine for my xMM. I can look at the pictures of my life w/out him and look at my pics of the life I had w/ him (none exist) and do the comparison. I'm so sorry you were made to feel that way. Anybody else recall how they were made to feel like they were trash that needed to be hidden from view? I recall one night, watching the game with my guy after he claimed to have broken up with his GF. They probably did break up for a couple of weeks like they always did. We were in his bedroom, snuggled in bed, watching the game and he jumped saying it sounded like someone had come into his home. I thought it was a home invasion. He said "Quick! Hide! It might be [GF's name]! She has a key". I refused to hide and he had to get rid of her and keep her from coming back to the room. No hanky panky was going on and we were both fully dressed, but it still would not have been a pretty scene if she had come back there. He got rid of her. I got rid of him. Unfortunately, though, I went back for a little bit more a few weeks later.
Author SunsetRed Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 An update: Guy From Bar emailed me to ask me out. He seems very funny and upbeat so I went out to dinner with him. He is a complete pleasure to be around. I'm not sure where my friendship with him will lead, but I feel like I'm beginning to live my life again. I'm seeing a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
bentnotbroken Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 An update: Guy From Bar emailed me to ask me out. He seems very funny and upbeat so I went out to dinner with him. He is a complete pleasure to be around. I'm not sure where my friendship with him will lead, but I feel like I'm beginning to live my life again. I'm seeing a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. If you don't close your eyes to the possibilities, this could be the light that allows you to live in a great life in the open. Being loved openly, honestly and with respect.
BB07 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 An update: Guy From Bar emailed me to ask me out. He seems very funny and upbeat so I went out to dinner with him. He is a complete pleasure to be around. I'm not sure where my friendship with him will lead, but I feel like I'm beginning to live my life again. I'm seeing a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I'm happy for you Sunset........have fun and enjoy yourself! It's tough when we look at the past and something smacks us in the face that we allowed ourselves to tolerate, that we shouldn't have, but there is a purpose. It teaches us what is intolerable in the future, so something good can come from it. You are doing good, girl!
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