lenny Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 So Mr. Wonderful (of six months) has really pee'd me off and it's just so stupid! I will eventually be bringing this topic up with him but I'm just using you LS readers to vent right now and collect my thoughts ... maybe get some insight as well . The topic of porn and masturbation in our relationship is not all that hush hush or anything. It's not like we share details or anything, but if I feel the need to take care of business I will use porn to help with this and when it comes to guys, totally know your wankin it and all the power to you. I know he draws on the porn card for this situation as well as he knows I do and this should be just fine and dandy. We have used porn together (just cause I know someone's going to suggest it) for some extra incentive and idea's so to speak. I think there are a few things about our relationship that influence this whole situation. I am one of those girls that loves sex a lot. I like things a little freaky (anal and such) and love giving head. In the beginning he really liked this about me and I'm guessing this is why we ended up being together. Blah, blah, blah, I could give you some of the stuff that's happened and conversations that have occured over the last month and a half regarding the specifics of our sex lives that has led up to this but that just makes this post way to long. The end result facts are: - He's over all the time, bringing more and more of his stuff over and doing the stereotypical "guy" type stuff around the house; I am doing the stereotypical "gal" type stuff for him (I'm guessing the moving in topic will come up within a few month which I am good with.). - He is very cuddly, affectionate, and thoughtful with me (both in public and private). Spends most of the night holding me, won't walk past me without giving my shoulders a squeeze or a kiss on the cheek. He doesn't make any plans without including me, talks to his friends about me all the time, etc, etc. - He speaks thoughtfully about anything he says but doesn't have intense "feelings" type conversations unless he's been drinking. Either/or though tells me all the time how happy he is we hooked up. - Only has sex with me like 2 - 3 times a week. - Goes on porn just about every day (and I can assume pulls it). Accidentally found this out about a week and a half ago when I was looking for a lost page in my internet history and there's a lot of videos listed. Been checking almost every day since (do I ever feel like a loser doing this). - Rarely gets off when we have sex. I've pretty much chalked this up to being used to a firm hand rather than anything else (he's a long term bachelor). Even in our encounters, I have an almost 100% success rate with mouth/hand/anal and less than a 50% success rate with other things. - I'm mad today because I came home for a nooner where I gave him an incredible oral experience and he still porned it this afternoon! I really feel like a loser! What kind of a double standard is this where I'd be fine doing myself to porn and have problems with him doing it? I understand my feelings that I feel like I am missing out a bit for him to do this where as I would never turn him down for my use and that why I will be bringing our sex lives into a conversation soon but still!!! End result ... I am feeling rejected! I am almost 40 (by the way he's younger by 3.5 years), have had 4 kids, am 25 pounds over weight and gravity hasn't been the kindest to me. He would rather spend time looking at 20sumin chicks doing the nasty This ended up long anyways; thanks for being here for my vent. Thoughts?
jenifer1972 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 If he almost NEVER climaxes with you and he's looking at porn every day, then that is where his sexual energy is being drained off. I think many men get slightly addicted to sex with their hand especially if single for a long time. It's so easy and requires no energy or attention to anyone else's sexual needs. I think you both will probably need to back off it a bit so that you have more sexual energy to funnel to each other. Now how to bring that up and do that, well that is the "sticky" wicket, isn't it? Maybe just bring it up matter of factly like that - maybe we should back off on the porn and focus more on each other..?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 So the problem is that he has trouble getting it up without porn? I'd be more concerned if he's a porn addict and he didn't know it.
Author lenny Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 He can get it up and last forever !!! And he does a good job with me getting me off multiple times in a session. He usually doesn't get off though and we stop sex over being exhausted.
zengirl Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I think the issue is the degree here. I don't think you're a hypocrite because I don't think your real issue is that he likes porn, but rather that it's (a) so constant and (b) impacting your sex life. I mean, I like wine, but if I drank several bottles every day and it hindered my sex life, I'd think my partner would have a right to call me on it. That said, the way you know about his porn use is sneaky and no good. So you can't really bring it up. But if you want more sex, or want to have an honest conversation about your sex life---in a sensitive and calm way---that seems fine.
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 If it's affecting his ability to cum with you, then he needs to slow down with the porn. My friends husband has a huge sex drive, they can have sex 3 times a day and he'll still jerk off a few times that day. Your guy may be like that, but as I said, since he's having trouble cummin' in the bedroom, talk to him about skipping the porn and wacking off on his own. Be honest and speak from your heart, tell him how it makes you feel. He seems like a nice guy and respectful too, so hopefully you two can have a good talk.
Scottdmw Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I’d say porn is much more potentially addictive for men than women. We're just not the same in this respect. Your experience seems to be typical of the women who use porn-- you can use it or leave it alone. For at least some men (and perhaps many) it's not that easy. Of course a person will always tell you that they can stop anytime they want to, but when they're actually doing anything that much you have to really question it. I think it's clear that the best thing for your relationship would be if your guy backs off on the porn significantly. But, it's something that he would have to choose to do himself, and it might actually be quite a difficult thing to do for him. So, from your position there is no easy solution here. I would say try talking to him, but don't have too many expectations that things are going to change quickly or easily.
hydorclops Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 What if you didn't even mention porn, but instead told him that it would make things better for you if he could cum when you had sex. That could lead to talking about what you each hope to get from sex. It could lead to different sex and experimenting. Maybe he'd bring up the porn. Just an idea...
oaks Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 If he almost NEVER climaxes with you and he's looking at porn every day, then that is where his sexual energy is being drained off. :lmao: That's a good way of putting it.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 So Mr. Wonderful (of six months) has really pee'd me off and it's just so stupid! I will eventually be bringing this topic up with him but I'm just using you LS readers to vent right now and collect my thoughts ... maybe get some insight as well . The topic of porn and masturbation in our relationship is not all that hush hush or anything. It's not like we share details or anything, but if I feel the need to take care of business I will use porn to help with this and when it comes to guys, totally know your wankin it and all the power to you. I know he draws on the porn card for this situation as well as he knows I do and this should be just fine and dandy. We have used porn together (just cause I know someone's going to suggest it) for some extra incentive and idea's so to speak. I think there are a few things about our relationship that influence this whole situation. I am one of those girls that loves sex a lot. I like things a little freaky (anal and such) and love giving head. In the beginning he really liked this about me and I'm guessing this is why we ended up being together. Blah, blah, blah, I could give you some of the stuff that's happened and conversations that have occured over the last month and a half regarding the specifics of our sex lives that has led up to this but that just makes this post way to long. The end result facts are: - He's over all the time, bringing more and more of his stuff over and doing the stereotypical "guy" type stuff around the house; I am doing the stereotypical "gal" type stuff for him (I'm guessing the moving in topic will come up within a few month which I am good with.). - He is very cuddly, affectionate, and thoughtful with me (both in public and private). Spends most of the night holding me, won't walk past me without giving my shoulders a squeeze or a kiss on the cheek. He doesn't make any plans without including me, talks to his friends about me all the time, etc, etc. - He speaks thoughtfully about anything he says but doesn't have intense "feelings" type conversations unless he's been drinking. Either/or though tells me all the time how happy he is we hooked up. - Only has sex with me like 2 - 3 times a week. - Goes on porn just about every day (and I can assume pulls it). Accidentally found this out about a week and a half ago when I was looking for a lost page in my internet history and there's a lot of videos listed. Been checking almost every day since (do I ever feel like a loser doing this). - Rarely gets off when we have sex. I've pretty much chalked this up to being used to a firm hand rather than anything else (he's a long term bachelor). Even in our encounters, I have an almost 100% success rate with mouth/hand/anal and less than a 50% success rate with other things. - I'm mad today because I came home for a nooner where I gave him an incredible oral experience and he still porned it this afternoon! I really feel like a loser! What kind of a double standard is this where I'd be fine doing myself to porn and have problems with him doing it? I understand my feelings that I feel like I am missing out a bit for him to do this where as I would never turn him down for my use and that why I will be bringing our sex lives into a conversation soon but still!!! End result ... I am feeling rejected! I am almost 40 (by the way he's younger by 3.5 years), have had 4 kids, am 25 pounds over weight and gravity hasn't been the kindest to me. He would rather spend time looking at 20sumin chicks doing the nasty This ended up long anyways; thanks for being here for my vent. Thoughts? First of all, if you imply he's been porning it for a long, long while, and you've been together only 6 months... then I'm guessing he's been looking at "20-something chicks doing the nasty" for ages, and that it cannot have any poor reflection on you, since they are a constant. I will agree that him pulling-it constantly IS the core trouble relating to his being unable to climax... I was so hopeful while reading your description of him, but it is clear that he is terrible in terms of exposing his deep feelings to you/FOR you. Can't be sure that porn is the actual ROOT of the problem... that seems only a means by which to tirelessly masturbate. Something about his psychology isn't up to par, and I don't exactly feel that to bring him into your household (would that be WITH the 4 kids???) is going to be good for the kids. I don't guess you'll ever do this, but a joint visit to some sort of a psychologist for you and him might do wonders... even if the end result is unworkable to you.
Author lenny Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) Thank you for the comments. To address a few of your points sincere ... I didn't mean for it to sound like he spends all his time on porn or masturbating, it's just an almost daily thing for him right now (and that's about how often I'd like to be intimate which isn't happening). He works seasonally and so currently has a lot of free time on his hands. I don't think he's major into porn either as his home collection is very small (like two small videos on his computer and he doesn't have internet). Oh, and I would say he's the type that would shy from any councilling. Also, all but one of the kids has moved out to be more specific on my home situation. Last night I started a conversation with him but didn't get to far with it, but it's a start. I began with asking him some of the things he thought were good and bad about us. He said a good is that we don't fight - we talk and work out differences. He couldn't come up with a bad. I'm going to keep up this conversation over the next week or two until I bring up my concerns about the sexual aspect of our relationship. Edited January 28, 2011 by lenny
Nexus One Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Men build up sperm during the day and tend to want to get rid of it during that day also. The reason for this is that they want to get rid of the hornyness that comes with that sperm buildup. Hornyness prevents us from thinking straight, have peace of mind and also from walking all day with an erection. It can even prevent men from falling asleep at night. Some men produce sperm relatively quickly and want to masturbate often to get rid of the sperm and hornyness. Others produce it slower. It sometimes even differs per day. Men sometimes for example have "spike" days, where the juice just seems to be coming and coming. Although if your man uses porn to unload his juice, then naturally he needs to build it up again to be able to be horny for you again. In my opinion the porn itself is not so much the problem, but the low levels of sperm and hornyness that he has left on the moments you want to have sex with him. What you can do is "schedule" the times you want to have sex with him and ask him to adjust his fapping schedule to match your sex drive. Or if you don't like to schedule, then simply ask him to "save his hornyness" for you, because you want to have more sex with him.
Author lenny Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Boy, this is going to be a tricky conversation. I do need to talk about it because I am not totally satisfied with our current arrangement. I'll need to phrase it though in such a way so there isn't any added stress to our relations - I don't want him having performance anxiety on top of everything else. He actually caused lots of stress on our sex lives already by cutting the sex back hard for a month to examine his feelings for me (does he like me or like the sex). Because of this I'm already stressed out - not sure if I should go for the middle of the night bjs or anything any more. Maybe I can lead up to things by making it a game like "lets not touch each other or ourselfs for 4 days and see what kind of mess we can make". This is just sooo crazy! The sex is really really really good. I think I've gotten off more in the last 6 months than I ever have in my life (with someone anyways). It's just with him not getting off all that often and our frequency, I feel so unsatisfied with it. I would say that I initiate more than he does as well. The sex does wear him out because we do get pretty aggressive and keep it up for quite a while so that may be why the frequency is down ... too much work. I think way deep down I am not feeling desired. Companionship-wise, he is the awesomest guy ever. Sex-wise, it almost feels like he wants little to do with me. I'm not sure if this is just some insecurities coming through or reality. I try to look at things objectively: he is really very affectionate with me and gets hard in an instant with little to no coaxing when we snuggle. He's also a no-nonsense kind of guy and it's out of character for him to be with me like he is if he's not into me. I just don't know.
Nexus One Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) Boy, this is going to be a tricky conversation. I do need to talk about it because I am not totally satisfied with our current arrangement. I'll need to phrase it though in such a way so there isn't any added stress to our relations - I don't want him having performance anxiety on top of everything else. He actually caused lots of stress on our sex lives already by cutting the sex back hard for a month to examine his feelings for me (does he like me or like the sex). Because of this I'm already stressed out - not sure if I should go for the middle of the night bjs or anything any more. Maybe I can lead up to things by making it a game like "lets not touch each other or ourselfs for 4 days and see what kind of mess we can make". This is just sooo crazy! The sex is really really really good. I think I've gotten off more in the last 6 months than I ever have in my life (with someone anyways). It's just with him not getting off all that often and our frequency, I feel so unsatisfied with it. I would say that I initiate more than he does as well. The sex does wear him out because we do get pretty aggressive and keep it up for quite a while so that may be why the frequency is down ... too much work. I think way deep down I am not feeling desired. Companionship-wise, he is the awesomest guy ever. Sex-wise, it almost feels like he wants little to do with me. I'm not sure if this is just some insecurities coming through or reality. I try to look at things objectively: he is really very affectionate with me and gets hard in an instant with little to no coaxing when we snuggle. He's also a no-nonsense kind of guy and it's out of character for him to be with me like he is if he's not into me. I just don't know. Every time you give him a blowjob and make him climax that way you already lower his sex drive after that moment somewhat. Because he'll need to build up some sperm and hornyness again after that blowjob or use his "reserves". So instead of giving him blowjobs I suggest you have regular sex with him and make him climax that way. If sex in bed is too much work for either of you, then just lower your pants, bend over and let him take you from behind. (in whatever orifice you want) Edited January 28, 2011 by Nexus One
depplover_1980 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Also the blow jobs could just be worked into the sex session as a whole. A BJ does not have to end in an orgasm but can be used for teasing and soothing his cock when it is hard from some fast friction screwing!!
jenifer1972 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Actually if I were you I would be worried about him cutting back to see if " it was the sex or you" that he liked. That remark would alarm me
Author lenny Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Yeah jenifer1972, that was the stuff I left out cause it would have made the post too long. I guess I do kind of understand where he was coming from on that but I sure didn't like it - that is if what he did communicate with me was truely what he was feeling. He had a horrible live in experience for 2 years that ended 8 years ago. Any relationship he's has since I don't even think I'd call a relationship - just play dates for a month or two until the sex got old. When we got together, after a paternity scare a year ago, he pretty much decided he was taking a break from women period and I was a point in my life where I was absolutely not getting involved with anyone. We hooked up one night in a one night stand kind of situation. The one night extended longer because it was good (freaky good - usually first times for me ends up coming off clumsy and unsatisfying) and in the mean time we realized surprisingly how much we had in common (another freaky cause it's weird just how alike we are in so many ways). We're from a small town and have known each other for like 20 years but hung in different crowds. Historically he was quite the player and any relationship he had was totally just a sexual one. Being in a relationship that he was thinking had more to it than just sex was out of his realm and freaked him out a bit so wanted to take sex out of the equation that was the basis for every one of his other relationships. Again, this is according to him, and he is a player so I have doubts as to the sincerity. It's kind of funny but out of every guy I've ever been with, I have never trusted a guy's fidelity to the extent that I trust my player. But I am very insecure about his intentions. All these gals he hooked up with were unemployed bar fly's and I am a career woman (financially I make more but have a poorer investment portfolio with raising a family where he's been single), and they were all out looking to be taken care of. I am fun (can party with the best of them) but am stable enough to hold down a household and have a career. I keep going back to the feeling that he really likes being with me but just isn't hot for me thing but I really can't say this is based on anything I've observed more than insecurity on my part. He has really demonstrated how into me he is. As to him getting off, he gets off WAY more frequently than he did during the first couple months when we were at it like bunnies. As for the nooner BJ, that was the second nooner of the week (good week for him ... and me ). The previous day I went back to work all shaky after multiple orgasms with no results for him so in my mind it was payback time. I was just kind of thinking that if he did get satisfied he didn't need to masturbate as well. He could be like me in that regard though where I was super horny after my lovely nooner because I kept thinking about it and it was so good.
Author lenny Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Further to this (I am sooo sorry for making this story way so long), there have been a number of comments he's made that have made me think that this whole get rid of the sex thing was to prove to him that I really cared about him more than just the sex; that he's very insecure that anyone could love him and want to do things just for him ... or he's just that good of a player and likes my characteristics more than me .
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Thank you for the comments. To address a few of your points sincere ... I didn't mean for it to sound like he spends all his time on porn or masturbating, it's just an almost daily thing for him right now (and that's about how often I'd like to be intimate which isn't happening). He works seasonally and so currently has a lot of free time on his hands. I don't think he's major into porn either as his home collection is very small (like two small videos on his computer and he doesn't have internet). Oh, and I would say he's the type that would shy from any councilling. Also, all but one of the kids has moved out to be more specific on my home situation. Last night I started a conversation with him but didn't get to far with it, but it's a start. I began with asking him some of the things he thought were good and bad about us. He said a good is that we don't fight - we talk and work out differences. He couldn't come up with a bad. I'm going to keep up this conversation over the next week or two until I bring up my concerns about the sexual aspect of our relationship. So wait, we are talking about "two small videos and (no internet)"... and he gets to your place, gains access to a truly endless porn collection, and puts it to use?? (that'd be like going from getting Hustler Magazine for $13 or so every month to gaining access to trillions of free porn photos and videos on a daily basis) A guy who likes porn a lot should have been expected to make use of your internet connection for such a purpose (and perhaps to over-do it upon his return to the WWW) Somebody's comment was correct about the "death grip issue". It is his own repetitive masturbating that renders him having trouble climaxing with a mere human partner.
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