notsure15 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Married 15 yrs, 4 kids, house mortgage, life is good. 2 yrs ago facebook connected me with a flame that was a holiday fling, but "paper letters" for 3 yrs after knowing and promising things that young lovers do i.e i'll marry you if we both have no-one at the age of 40. Seemed like a life-time ago. Now facebook and e-mail have us talking about lots of stuff, wife wants me to stop, but we are in different countries and we both know we would not get physicall if we meet in the future. Should I stop this"friendship" will it get out of control or can people be friends?
Bryanp Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 If the roles were reversed, how would you feel having your wife doing the same thing?
edgeofdarkness Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Married 15 yrs, 4 kids, house mortgage, life is good. 2 yrs ago facebook connected me with a flame No, YOU connected u with a flame.... that was a holiday fling, but "paper letters" for 3 yrs after knowing and promising things that young lovers do i.e i'll marry you if we both have no-one at the age of 40. Seemed like a life-time ago.Or yesterday, huh, Now facebook and e-mail have us talking about lots of stuff, wife wants me to stop, then do as she asks, why are you carryng on if u know theres nuthing in it? but we are in different countries and we both know we would not get physicall if we meet in the future. no, actually you dont. You dont know this at all.... this women is filling sumthing your craving for. its exciting, its fun, its a diversion, its a disaster waiting too happen... Should I stop this"friendship" will it get out of control or can people be friends? yes, yes and yes - if it doesent interfere in our relationship witth our spouse...,and if your wife doesent like it, maybe you shoud ask why and what you can do to improve the relationship u hav with yr wife instead.
Author notsure15 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 we both know the other woman. we all met each other at the same time. i see us as sharing similar experiences. i am not jealous of my wife having seperate male friends. she is afraid i will stray, despite being faithfully married for 15yrs. if roles were reversed i would get it. she doesn't get it because she has never needed to unload emotionally. i do and i don't think she would cope. my re-aquainted overseas friend understands and is in a similar relationship where the partner doesn't provide all the mental emotional support needed.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 EdgeofDarkness has hit the nail on the head.
East7 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 This is so typical that I almost can tell your future (been there, done that) 1. It will start with emotional connection (called emotional affair) 2. You will desire to meet each-other again. 3. Eventually you will meet and it will be (very likely) physical. You'll be suprised how easy it is to give in Stop it while it is not going too far and no one is hurt. Friendship is an illusion..or a way to justify it to yourself.
Author notsure15 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 15yrs of marriage, i guess i needed ot hear it from somone else. yes she is jealous. yes she trusts me and i trust her. i respect her enough to stop. maybe she knows me better than i think. thanxs for the feedback.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 we both know the other woman. we all met each other at the same time. i see us as sharing similar experiences. i am not jealous of my wife having seperate male friends. she is afraid i will stray, despite being faithfully married for 15yrs. if roles were reversed i would get it. she doesn't get it because she has never needed to unload emotionally. i do and i don't think she would cope. my re-aquainted overseas friend understands and is in a similar relationship where the partner doesn't provide all the mental emotional support needed. Ya right..if the roles were reversed you would get it? I seriously doubt that. If you can't unload emotionally to your wife..than maybe you shouldnt be married. Or instead of spending time chatting with some chick who your wife has clearly said you should stop chatting with..maybe you should divert that attention to your wife...before she finds someone who is more "emotionally" connected to her.
Distant78 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Married 15 yrs, 4 kids, house mortgage, life is good. 2 yrs ago facebook connected me with a flame that was a holiday fling, but "paper letters" for 3 yrs after knowing and promising things that young lovers do i.e i'll marry you if we both have no-one at the age of 40. Seemed like a life-time ago. Now facebook and e-mail have us talking about lots of stuff, wife wants me to stop, but we are in different countries and we both know we would not get physicall if we meet in the future. Should I stop this"friendship" will it get out of control or can people be friends? Dude why are you asking this question as if you don't know the correct answer. Stop disrespecting your wife, tell her what you're still doing, which is cheating, and let her decide if she wants to stay with you or not.
Iconoclast Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 You just choose. Your wife or some reconnection. In some cases it is black and white. Your wife may sense a difference in you since you've been in contact with the friend, and you don't realize it. Fifteen years, you get to know someone really well, the very small details can be the canary in a coal mine.
Nightsky Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 i am not jealous of my wife having seperate male friends. she is afraid i will stray, despite being faithfully married for 15yrs. if roles were reversed i would get it. Roles reversed doesn’t mean you being cool with your wife being friends with some guy. Roles reversed means your wife disregarding your feelings about some guy.
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 we both know the other woman. we all met each other at the same time. i see us as sharing similar experiences. i am not jealous of my wife having seperate male friends. she is afraid i will stray, despite being faithfully married for 15yrs. if roles were reversed i would get it. she doesn't get it because she has never needed to unload emotionally. i do and i don't think she would cope. my re-aquainted overseas friend understands and is in a similar relationship where the partner doesn't provide all the mental emotional support needed. If she had a male friend that she was too emotionally attached to and relied on too much, I think it would bother you. Do you flirt and make sexual comments with the OW? Could you show your wife any of the conversations you have and not feel guilty about them? Deep down, you know what is right and what is wrong, if you're cheating or close to making a very stupid and selfish mistake that will hurt and betray your wife.
Author notsure15 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 i've shown messages, i don't hide the fact we cmmunicate and i believe i could wreck everything! but for what and why? curiosity is not a good enough reason. Ego is not worth it. my kids, my life thrown away - no way. platonic open relationship where my wife is instigator for any future contact is the way for me. thanxs for your posts.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 i've shown messages, i don't hide the fact we cmmunicate and i believe i could wreck everything! but for what and why? curiosity is not a good enough reason. Ego is not worth it. my kids, my life thrown away - no way. platonic open relationship where my wife is instigator for any future contact is the way for me. thanxs for your posts. No problem..and if you need another kick in the ass you know where to come!
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 i've shown messages, i don't hide the fact we cmmunicate and i believe i could wreck everything! but for what and why? curiosity is not a good enough reason. Ego is not worth it. my kids, my life thrown away - no way. platonic open relationship where my wife is instigator for any future contact is the way for me. thanxs for your posts. Good thinking. Plus, to put you off even more, just sit down in this section and read about the betrayed spouses and their pain. Enough to make you sick. Glad to hear you're thinking and not selfish. Ego is one thing and yes it feels nice to be wanted and desired by someone other than your spouse, but just dont ever cross the line and let it happen. Dont put yourself in a situation where you won't say no. Love your wife, appreciate what you have, your family unit as one, your kids. Remember that next time, you have ALOT to lose!
Woman In Blue Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Now facebook and e-mail have us talking about lots of stuff, wife wants me to stop, but we are in different countries and we both know we would not get physicall if we meet in the future. That's a ridiculous statment and you know it. Stop trying to paint yourself as a Saint and call a spade a spade.
Woman In Blue Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 ...she doesn't get it because she has never needed to unload emotionally. i do and i don't think she would cope. Why do you need to "unload emotionally?" In your original post, you claim you've been married 15 years, have a bunch of kids, and 'life is good.' Now you're saying you need to "unload emotionally." LOL. You're as transparent as glass. Sorry.
GreenX Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Married 15 yrs, 4 kids, house mortgage, life is good. 2 yrs ago facebook connected me with a flame that was a holiday fling, but "paper letters" for 3 yrs after knowing and promising things that young lovers do i.e i'll marry you if we both have no-one at the age of 40. Seemed like a life-time ago. Now facebook and e-mail have us talking about lots of stuff, wife wants me to stop, but we are in different countries and we both know we would not get physicall if we meet in the future. Should I stop this"friendship" will it get out of control or can people be friends? #1, your wife wants you to stop the friendship - if you care about what your wife thinks then you should abide by her. I'm assuming for years you two were not connected and life was happy with your wife and kids. So, you already know that you can be happy without this other lady in your life. Why cause conflict now with the wife? Knock it off. Forget about it and continue enjoying the family that you said after 15 years, 4 kids and a house mortgage that life is good. Keep it good! It's as easy as that. What's the saying: If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
GreenX Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 (edited) we both know the other woman. we all met each other at the same time. i see us as sharing similar experiences. i am not jealous of my wife having seperate male friends. she is afraid i will stray, despite being faithfully married for 15yrs. if roles were reversed i would get it. she doesn't get it because she has never needed to unload emotionally. i do and i don't think she would cope. my re-aquainted overseas friend understands and is in a similar relationship where the partner doesn't provide all the mental emotional support needed. First bolded part - are any of your wife's male friends old flings? That makes a big difference. Second bolded part - the fact that you're admitting your friend is seeking things from you that she isn't getting from her current relationships screams DANGER!! RED FLAG!! Come on guy, open your eyes and see things for what they really are and not sugar coat things. You don't engage in normal friendships to seek out things you're missing in your relationship. You're friends with other people because you have things in common, share likes/dislikes, are a shoulder to cry on when you're down, etc.. you don't engage and get something out of that your spouse isn't giving you. ETA: I'm glad you came to the realization to end the friendship. Stick with it and you will continue to be happy with your family! Edited January 27, 2011 by GreenX
moloko Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 but we are in different countries and we both know we would not get physicall if we meet in the future. you only say that because of the distance between you. Should I stop this"friendship" will it get out of control or can people be friends? yes and yes. it is disrespectful for you to be in contact with an old flame and one that is laying the groundwork for more. do you think you would like your wife talking to a guy you know has the hots for her saying, "if you were divorced, I'd take you in a heartbeat". you are disrespecting your wife by facebooking this woman, I don't care what distance there is between you.
moloko Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 we both know the other woman. we all met each other at the same time. i see us as sharing similar experiences. i am not jealous of my wife having seperate male friends. when sweet nothings are exchanged, flirting goes on, and relationship interests are conveyed, they are no longer "friends". you are talking apples and oranges with what you are doing. she doesn't get it because she has never needed to unload emotionally. i do and i don't think she would cope. my re-aquainted overseas friend understands and is in a similar relationship where the partner doesn't provide all the mental emotional support needed. then based on your flimsy justification here, yes, you are cheating emotionally.
2sure Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Married 15 yrs, 4 kids, house mortgage, life is good. Just wanted to take another opportunity to point out that happily married men do have affairs.
Distant78 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Married 15 yrs, 4 kids, house mortgage, life is good. Just wanted to take another opportunity to point out that happily married men do have affairs. Then they're not really happy if they're cheating.
2sure Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Happy with their wife, happy with their marriage...unhappy with themselves, happens all the time.
Owl Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Then they're not really happy if they're cheating. Sure they can. They can be happily self-centered, self-focused, and completely enjoying themselves by having both a wife and another woman on the side to meet whatever needs they have. They can be happier than a pig in a mudhole...BECAUSE they're cheating, and simply don't look beyond that. They don't have to be miserable to choose to cheat...as evidenced by this thread and many others. They just have to choose to do so and have the opportunity to do it...and choose to focus on what the likely impacts are going to be if they're caught.
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