2sunny Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 OP, my apologies. I've just had my fill with some of the regulars here. If you want any specifics, ask and I'll respond only to you. so others get short changed on your insight because one person has a different perspective? don't run away CH- lots of peeps benefit from your input.
Author SunshineD Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Didn't mean to cause a stir here. I realize I don't have history here, but I appreciate everyone's response. Any more questions I have to ask tonight?
carhill Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 OP, did your BF relate how he felt about his mother's advice to 'take it slow'? I ask this because he, by your perception, appears to be 'full steam ahead', yet 'her opinion matters a great deal' For clarity, have you had sexual relations yet? Also, have you had the 'exclusivity' talk, meaning, at this time, you only want to be with each other? How do you and he introduce each other to others socially? You say he and his ex appear to have a pretty healthy co-parenting arrangement. I think that's a really positive sign. Now, when he relates to you the toxicity of the past, the make ups and breakups, how is that done? What is the emotional content? Lastly, and my apologies if I missed it, exactly how long has it been since his divorce was final until today? For example, my exW and I separated in June 2009 and our divorce was final in October 2010. I've been divorced about three months.
2sunny Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Didn't mean to cause a stir here. I realize I don't have history here, but I appreciate everyone's response. Any more questions I have to ask tonight? ask him what he has learned from the way he used to participate - and what exactly does he DO now that is contrary to the way he used to DO things? HIS change should give you an indication - the way he now participates... how has it changed... what changes has all of that brought about? what has the end result been? how has he gotten past the pain of his prior relationship? how will he never make it look like that again? in other words = what action is he taking in order to break that cycle? ask him exactly what his expectations are from you now?
Author SunshineD Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 OP, did your BF relate how he felt about his mother's advice to 'take it slow'? I ask this because he, by your perception, appears to be 'full steam ahead', yet 'her opinion matters a great deal' I say that, because I asked him what would happen if his mother did not like me. He only shook his head. The message was things wouldn't go well if mom didn't approve. He said because she tried to warn him about his marriage and he didn't listen to her, he values her opinion. We really didn't talk about the taking it slowly part. For clarity, have you had sexual relations yet? No. But of course, I have thought about it many times. But I am bent on knowing him more. He's making a big fuss over Valentine's Day, and that's making me a bit nervous. Also, have you had the 'exclusivity' talk, meaning, at this time, you only want to be with each other? Yes, I told him I needed a "define the relationship" discussion. And we agreed to see each other exclusively. How do you and he introduce each other to others socially? He introduced me to his mother as his "friend." I had a little moment, but I was also thinking it's way too early to meet his mother. He said he's told all his friends back home about me and his coworkers too. One of them tried to friend me on FB. But I haven't met any of them. I've only told my girlfriends about him. I'm not ready to introduce him. Does that make sense, to be exclusive but not introduce? You say he and his ex appear to have a pretty healthy co-parenting arrangement. I think that's a really positive sign. Now, when he relates to you the toxicity of the past, the make ups and breakups, how is that done? What is the emotional content? It appears positive. But probably only when it comes to the kids. He said one day while we were texting back and forth, she was sending texts too, complaining about various things and it was getting on his nerves. I was remarking that my ex and I are fairly civil, but we argue when one party changes the plans, but it's never a personal attack the way her texts seem to have been. It's all about the kids. I too was trying to see whether he has lingering anger or bitterness about it, but he has stated emphatically numerous times that when he meets his Maker, he feels confident that he did everything he could do to keep his family together. Lastly, and my apologies if I missed it, exactly how long has it been since his divorce was final until today? For example, my exW and I separated in June 2009 and our divorce was final in October 2010. I've been divorced about three months. They separated in 2006 and were divorced in April 2008. I also separated in 2006 and was divorced April 2009.
Author SunshineD Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 ask him what he has learned from the way he used to participate - and what exactly does he DO now that is contrary to the way he used to DO things? HIS change should give you an indication - the way he now participates... how has it changed... what changes has all of that brought about? what has the end result been? how has he gotten past the pain of his prior relationship? how will he never make it look like that again? in other words = what action is he taking in order to break that cycle? ask him exactly what his expectations are from you now? Love these questions. Thanks!
Author SunshineD Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 So in case anyone was wondering, he said he left because she demanded him to do so. He insisted on staying in their basement but after months of being told to leave and her getting violent, he felt for the safety of the baby he should leave. Then he wasn't at the birth because she didn't tell him and wouldn't let him see the baby because she feared he would take the baby away. On his change: this was like pulling teeth. I think he believes he did nothing wrong. He says even her family was on his side. And he repeated that he knows when he answers to God, he has done everything possible. I asked if he ever has trouble saying sorry. He says he uses it sparingly and only when he truly means it. Won't say it for peace's sake. I also asked how he knew the cycle was over. He just stated, "Oh I'm done." He said he knows for his own health and to get what he wants out of life, he couldn't continue.
Author SunshineD Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Oh yeah, on his expectations of me. A sandwich and daily sex. LOL. But truly, all he seems to want is what his ex-wife was not. I heard things like don't be in sweatpants and a ponytail every single day. Take care of yourself. Cook dinner. Make sure the kids are groomed. He's trying to find the anti-exwife.
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