SunshineD Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Any advice for dealing with someone with this in their past? I've met a guy I like very much. We met online. We are both divorced single parents. Entering our second month of dating. He's my second post-divorce relationship. I'm not exactly sure where I am in his post-divorce dating life. He seems to have dated a lot but maybe not have had a lot of relationships. He says he often finds out after he starts dating someone is that all the women want is someone to keep company with. The trouble is this: He and his ex went through the breakup/makeup cycle for their entire relationship, about 15 years, and I think they may have lived together four consecutive years. They have three children, and according to him, she walked out during one of their pregnancies and he did during another. Just found that out last night. He remembers meeting his children for the first time! That scares me, not because I plan to have more children, but I think that's a big character issue. Plus, lurking in the back of my mind is the possibility that maybe that sick, twisted cycle isn't over yet? Right now, I'm enjoying the relationship. He treats me like a QUEEN. You know that's pretty addictive. It's all brand new of course. I will keep my eyes open. Just wondering if anyone here has dealt with this issue before.
zengirl Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 (a) How long since their last break-up? (b) How long was the longest break-up period prior? I'd want (a) to be 2x the length of (b) AND at least a year long, whichever is longer, to feel comfortable, personally.
Author SunshineD Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 (a) How long since their last break-up? (b) How long was the longest break-up period prior? I'd want (a) to be 2x the length of (b) AND at least a year long, whichever is longer, to feel comfortable, personally. He says she was the last to move out four years ago, and she moved out pregnant. Their youngest child is just three. I don't know how long the longest breakup was. He says his oldest son was two years old the first time he saw him. This sounds crazy to me, and I have no way of hearing the other side of the story at this point.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Walking out on his pregnant wife is kind of harsh. Maybe they just weren't compatible though? Just because he had a turbulent relationship with his ex doesn't mean your's will be that way. Enjoy the relationship but keep an eye out for these types of behaviors in the future, as they may be red flags.
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Has he mentioned anything like he's done counselling to help him break the cycle? Or the fact he walked out on his pregnant wife? Whatever their dynamic was, hopefully is over. Just tread carefully and don't be afraid to open up and ask him questions. You deserve honesty and truth from him.. Let him know your concerns, be just as honest and upfront to him.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 What was his reason for walking out? If there isn't a valid one, I'd question his responsiblity both as a human being and as a father.
Author SunshineD Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Thanks all for your comments. I was so shocked when he said he left while she was pregnant. The way he tells it, of course, she had lots of problems, he was tired of the toxicity. It was an unhealthy environment. There's obviously more to it. I've yet to peel back that layer. I did ask how did two more children come along, after the first walkout? He kinda clammed up at that point and I guess I started feeling judgmental and hypocritical at that point, because my ex-husband did horrible things to me too, and I gave him chance after chance. It's life and marriage, ya know? People don't always make the best decisions. The funniest thing in all of this, is that they are both licensed counselors. I can't explain that. I'm seeing him again tonight. I will ask more questions.
carhill Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 OP, welcome to LS. Let's hope your erstwhile boyfriend isn't a relationship counselor Since he and his ex have a long and toxic history and will be co-parenting for a long time to come, I'd take this extremely slowly and not invest a lot of myself. His relationship history is important information. TBH, I'd be more optimistic if he treated you less like a queen and was more forthcoming with the lessons he's learned. We're all mature adults and understand balance. Take it slow...
Author SunshineD Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 OP, welcome to LS. Let's hope your erstwhile boyfriend isn't a relationship counselor Since he and his ex have a long and toxic history and will be co-parenting for a long time to come, I'd take this extremely slowly and not invest a lot of myself. His relationship history is important information. TBH, I'd be more optimistic if he treated you less like a queen and was more forthcoming with the lessons he's learned. We're all mature adults and understand balance. Take it slow... Thanks, Carhill! To his credit, he is a great dad and they appear to be co-parenting well. They were both at children's events this week and they have a very fluid shared custody arrangement. He also moved to my state after she walked out and moved here so he wouldn't be a weekend dad. BTW, he works with juvenile delinquents. I guess what's disconcerting to me is that things are moving kinda fast, emotionally speaking. I'm into him, and he's into me. I'm really scared, but he doesn't seem to have any reservations. He just wants to keep moving forward. So I need a battery of questions to ask. Help.
carhill Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 'How do you feel about taking this slow?' Here's why.... "He says he often finds out after he starts dating someone is that all the women want is someone to keep company with." Explore your intimacy and relationship *styles* for compatibility. You're only in a couple months. No wedding bells yet. On the surface, this sounds like another typical guy going for the sex to get the woman hooked. My read so far is that he'll likely be successful. One would think, with background and expertise in psychology, the man could understand how to pace himself, especially considering his toxic past. Oh, well.
Emilia Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 He says he often finds out after he starts dating someone is that all the women want is someone to keep company with. . I don't know what this statement means
carhill Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I'll help, since I have a lot of experience with this as a man.. Women use the lure of sex and intimacy to keep a man around for a companion.
2sunny Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 him treating you like a queen- could be him overcompensating to make sure you don't recognize the "real" part of him he doesn't want you to notice = a distraction, of sorts. take away ALL his distractions by treating you like a queen - and what EXACTLY does it look like? only look at that for a VERY long, extended time- to see what the core being of him shows. his actions, reactions - what do they tell you? not only with you - but with EVERYONE he comes into contact with? do not give him sex (have you?) - as this will skew your perception. just be neutral - sit back and observe him, his actions... his words- do they match? is he a man of his word - making sure he is good for his word? do his actions show that he will DO for others - or is he only into his actions to serve his own selfish needs? does he manipulate, control, criticize at all? how exactly is he participating? these details may help to determine if his motives are selfish or giving... does he have an agenda or is he working from a frame of mind that is here to help others by sacrificing himself?
Emilia Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I'll help, since I have a lot of experience with this as a man.. Women use the lure of sex and intimacy to keep a man around for a companion. I don't understand what the problem is with that. Everyone wants something. 'Lure' makes it sound like an unpleasant experience for a man while - I would imagine - the opposite must be true
carhill Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 There is no actual interest in the dynamic of sex and intimacy and such are only used to 'keep the man around' until something better comes along. You're not a man so I don't expect you to understand. A female corollary would be a man luring a woman with words of affection, desire and promises of 'you and me forever babe' to get sex until a real prospect happens by.
Author SunshineD Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 'How do you feel about taking this slow?' Here's why.... "He says he often finds out after he starts dating someone is that all the women want is someone to keep company with." Explore your intimacy and relationship *styles* for compatibility. You're only in a couple months. No wedding bells yet. On the surface, this sounds like another typical guy going for the sex to get the woman hooked. My read so far is that he'll likely be successful. One would think, with background and expertise in psychology, the man could understand how to pace himself, especially considering his toxic past. Oh, well. Excellent question! And I was thinking the same thing about trying to "get the cookies," lol. So when he asked me to come by his house, I was prepared for him to try and put the moves on me. But no, it was to meet his mother. We played on the Wii, had a round of Scrabble, looked at pictures and then went out and had a good time. What makes you think he'd be successful?
Author SunshineD Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 I don't know what this statement means I'll help, since I have a lot of experience with this as a man.. Women use the lure of sex and intimacy to keep a man around for a companion. That's exactly what he said. He said he just wanted honesty and never got it, and he wasn't interested in the friends with benefits arrangement.
Emilia Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 There is no actual interest in the dynamic of sex and intimacy and such are only used to 'keep the man around' until something better comes along. You're not a man so I don't expect you to understand. A female corollary would be a man luring a woman with words of affection, desire and promises of 'you and me forever babe' to get sex until a real prospect happens by. wow how patronising. you understand women AND men but I must only understand men. I think you would benefit from enjoying female company and seeing us as human beings rather than keep analysing why we do stuff and blame us for your erection - with all respect
2sunny Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I'll help, since I have a lot of experience with this as a man.. Women use the lure of sex and intimacy to keep a man around for a companion. the lure of sex is used by many women, but not all. that is just too easy but provides a very shallow connection with a limited outcome by the agenda alone. i will say i see many women who equate sex to mean love(which it doesn't)... yes, men do this too but not so easily. so women often give the sex thinking the man must love her - which many times that has NOTHING to do with the sex. often, i see, that women have an agenda for many reasons... they give men lies (and sex) so that they can get from them what they want... the list is endless: not wanting to be alone a free meal vacations conversation (empty or not) (lies or truth) security not willing to change assigned meaning willing to believe words over action hope to change who/what he is capable of being settling just because of boredom complacency not willing to make an effort for what they really want not willing to WAIT until a healthy man comes along (see the first one listed) i could go on and on...
carhill Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 wow how patronising. you understand women AND men but I must only understand men.Lady, I've been through the **** wringer with women. I provide analysis and advice based on that, and spot-on as the OP has now confirmed. Take your shyte somewhere else.
2sunny Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 wow how patronising. you understand women AND men but I must only understand men. I think you would benefit from enjoying female company and seeing us as human beings rather than keep analysing why we do stuff and blame us for your erection - with all respect as i read this - my perception sees anger from this post. why so defensive? carhill has an awesome ability as a man to reach to the female interpretation at an easy level... take his gift in that area as your benefit...IF you keep your mind open = you can learn from the gift he offers here.
Author SunshineD Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 him treating you like a queen- could be him overcompensating to make sure you don't recognize the "real" part of him he doesn't want you to notice = a distraction, of sorts. take away ALL his distractions by treating you like a queen - and what EXACTLY does it look like? only look at that for a VERY long, extended time- to see what the core being of him shows. his actions, reactions - what do they tell you? not only with you - but with EVERYONE he comes into contact with? do not give him sex (have you?) - as this will skew your perception. just be neutral - sit back and observe him, his actions... his words- do they match? is he a man of his word - making sure he is good for his word? do his actions show that he will DO for others - or is he only into his actions to serve his own selfish needs? does he manipulate, control, criticize at all? how exactly is he participating? these details may help to determine if his motives are selfish or giving... does he have an agenda or is he working from a frame of mind that is here to help others by sacrificing himself? Hmmm, lots to think about here. No, we have not have sex yet. He keeps saying to me, "I am a very simple man. All I need is a sandwich and to know that you're okay." I shared something with him about my past, a lifelong problem I've had with another family member. I shared it because it's pretty heavy, and partly because I was trying to get a reaction because I haven't seen him in his element. His friends live in another state. We haven't had an argument or disagreement yet. He only said something to the effect of "wow, i'm going to need some time to process that." He hasn't mentioned it since. So right now our relationship consists of talking, texting, IMing all day. We see each other practically every day we don't have our children. We're just going out, movies, dinner, games, etc.
carhill Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 OP, my apologies. I've just had my fill with some of the regulars here. If you want any specifics, ask and I'll respond only to you.
Author SunshineD Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 What was your impression of his mother? Very sweet woman. She's heavily into politics, so that was the meat of our conversation. I peppered him with questions to find out what she thought of me. He said, she thought I was pretty and nice and warned him to take it slowly. I gather she's rather protective of him and her opinion matters a great deal.
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