Taramere Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) Would you quit being platonic friends with a guy you have feelings for if you find that he's in a new relationship with someone else? Is it "acceptable" to want to stop seeing the guy friend because you can't deal with his new relationship? "You don't need to decide "he's not my friend any more",but I think that whether or not you have romantic feelings for a male friend, it's a good idea to put some distance between you if and when he gets into a relationship. If you have feelings for him, then definitely. He probably was attracted, from what I felt and what I heard. I don't know what vibes I sent out but on hindsight now, probably that I wasn't available. But wouldn't he, if he had been interested, pursue more instead of running into the arms of someone else? Perhaps it was easier to pursue somebody he hadn't developed a friendship with. Maybe she was easier to approach. You can't possibly know what's going on in his head, but what you do know is that he didn't make an approach. I think it might be wise to assume from that that whatever feelings he may or may not have had for you, they weren't strong enough for him to take a risk - ie by making a move even if he wasn't certain of your interest level. I'm trying to walk away but he still contacts me. While I know it's best I stop contact, I feel mean shutting him out completely. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I really can't deal with any more contact but I don't want to go into a spiel of how I like him and now that he's in a relationship, I can't bring myself to see him again. You could always say something along the lines of "not that I'm snubbing you, but you're in the initial stages of a new relationship and I don't want to be involved in any awkward dynamics. For all you know, he wants to use the platonic friendship with you as a way of keeping her on her toes. You don't want to be doing anything that could add weight to any "I've got other women waiting in the wings if things don't work out between us, you know" messages he might give her. It's not dignified to be the woman a man is using to play power games with someone else -and I think that that's the position a platonic female friend can sometimes find herself being put in if she isn't careful. Edited February 2, 2011 by Taramere
Author dressing up Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Hi, I really feel for you in this situation. I think probably that you've made your mind up about putting distance between you and your friend. If he keeps contacting you, maybe you could just make out you're busy or something? It's going to be really hard whilst he still keeps contacting you, but you can either tell him your feelings, or you're going to have to just not contact him, and hope that he eases contact with time. Once you have got over your feelings maybe the friendship could be rekindled in time. I think it's completely acceptable you wanting to stop contact. At the end of the day it's going to make you feel bad when you see them together, and there's no need to torment yourself, it'll just make you unhappy. Hope u feel better about it soon. ((Hugs)) Thanks. I've made up my mind and will work toward my goal of feeling better while putting a distance between us. It's been difficult but I have to persevere.
Author dressing up Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 For all you know, he wants to use the platonic friendship with you as a way of keeping her on her toes. You don't want to be doing anything that could add weight to any "I've got other women waiting in the wings if things don't work out between us, you know" messages he might give her. It's not dignified to be the woman a man is using to play power games with someone else -and I think that that's the position a platonic female friend can sometimes find herself being put in if she isn't careful. I never thought of this possibility. That would have been sneaky.
sammyd Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Thanks. I've made up my mind and will work toward my goal of feeling better while putting a distance between us. It's been difficult but I have to persevere. Good for you, and we're always here for u to vent on!
Author dressing up Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Why is this so difficult? A most recent incident (he contacted me first without knowing I've decided to quit the platonic relationship) left me disappointed in said guy friend and I haven't contacted him since. He hasn't either and I'm upset by it even though NC is better for me. I'm just saddened that he didn't bother to after the incident. My heart hopes he would contact me again. My head knows better than that. How do I stop waiting for him to contact me?
carhill Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 How do I stop waiting for him to contact me? The LS NC guides have some good suggestions for active thought suppression. My advice would be to accept the reality of the last 'incident' as the truth and act on it in a healthy way. If said incident disrespected your boundaries, then appropriate consequences apply, even in absentia. Using positive thought processes, IME, mitigates and finally squelches the 'waiting' dynamic, which is processed as a negative emotional state. You're changing how you view the same dynamic, not the gist of the dynamic itself.
Author dressing up Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 The LS NC guides have some good suggestions for active thought suppression. My advice would be to accept the reality of the last 'incident' as the truth and act on it in a healthy way. If said incident disrespected your boundaries, then appropriate consequences apply, even in absentia. Using positive thought processes, IME, mitigates and finally squelches the 'waiting' dynamic, which is processed as a negative emotional state. You're changing how you view the same dynamic, not the gist of the dynamic itself. What do you mean by "appropriate consequences apply, even in absentia?" Do you mean that by replacing negative thoughts with positive ones? Where can I find the LS NC guides, if they do exist? Thanks.
carhill Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 What do you mean by "appropriate consequences apply, even in absentia?" 'I feel disrespected, unappreciated, etc and that is unacceptable'. In absentia means you express those feelings, out loud if necessary, in his absence, and proceed appropriately. This respects NC. Do you mean that by replacing negative thoughts with positive ones? Look forward positively rather than back negatively. The past is the past. It is done. Where can I find the LS NC guides, if they do exist? Thanks. A really good one is linked in my signature. Also, CaliGuy has a good one. Search his username. Good luck
dispatch3d Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I don't get your reasoning. I would remain friends with the guy if I were you. I don't understand how before you were acting "not available" and "too good friends to be more" or something to that effect and then later you decide you actually like him so much you cannot be "just friends" anymore. Does not compute.
Author dressing up Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 I weren't acting not available then friends wanting to be more. I'm a little confused now. But we were friends to begin with, I was beginning to like the said guy when he told me he just got a girlfriend. This is probably the reason why I can't be friends with him now. I can't be around him listening to him gush about his new relationship. Why would you remain friends with the guy?
D-Lish Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I can't be around him listening to him gush about his new relationship It's for the above reason that you should probably distance yourself.
Author dressing up Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 It's for the above reason that you should probably distance yourself. I'm trying hard to. I haven't fallen off the wagon but I think about him. Most times I even wish he would contact me. I want to see him again but my friends tell me there's no point in putting myself through it if it's not because I want to fight for him. That seeing him one more time or 10 more times isn't going to change anything.
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