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What would be the reaction to an "Unapologetic MM"?

Owl

By Owl
in The Other Man / Woman

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pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted
The gas lighting is a true B!&(H. Loving someone and wanting to believe the best from that person is used against you. Mr. Messy traveled, a lot. He was gone more than he was home. I knew he took the extra jobs because we had a young kids and he wanted provide for them. There was absolutely know way I could have known about the affairs in other states. He came home, played the father, husband, community man with great skill. Yes, he had issues. When I would bring them up he would turn it around on me. I was the one who was unstable, ungrateful and imagining things. I must admit I begin to believe him. I tried to be what he said I was not.

 

He has been diagnosed NPD. After the fact, with much research and counseling I can see how he did it. But as they say hindsight is 20/20 and loving someone you have known most of your life and you are slowly indoctrinated into their way of living, doesn't help the situation at all.

 

Well said Bent!

 

My H too had just received a high-powered promotion and had to travel a lot.

 

We chalked his moodiness up to job stress. He convinced us it was so.

 

She was a work colleague. It was very convenient for him to be "working late" and traveling often. It was the perfect cover.

 

My last exH was 3000mi away. His job was in one state, mine in another...I was preparing to move with him in the state he was working.

 

In the first couple of weeks I picked up on his tone and knew something was up...then began to "listen" closer and found many discrepancies. Even with being distracted with many things...with him being gone made it even easier to discover his EMA's.

 

It's not just my story that I am basing this theory on, it is a culmination of experiences heard and have learned personally over the years.

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
Posted
My last exH was 3000mi away. His job was in one state, mine in another...I was preparing to move with him in the state he was working.

 

In the first couple of weeks I picked up on his tone and knew something was up...then began to "listen" closer and found many discrepancies. Even with being distracted with many things...with him being gone made it even easier to discover his EMA's.

 

It's not just my story that I am basing this theory on, it is a culmination of experiences heard and have learned personally over the years.

 

 

It is your theory.

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted
Snipe. Snipe. Snipe.

 

I still don't know what that other post was supposed to mean.

 

Most likely as much as you do...what?

 

An observation: almost all of your posts lately have been snipes and gripes with what others are posting. Why even bother doing so? Its not adding anything to the threads.

 

And this post is?

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted
He would be nobody's prize. Seems more of a "in the heat of the moment/fun time" kind of guy, but not a life long partner, someone who is reliable and trustworthy.

 

Narcissist comes to mind.

 

Not every ONS is about narcissism. But the same way that the guy you pick up on a tropical beach isn't screened for "life partner" qualities, why would every fling with a MM need to seek out reliable, trustworthy life partner material? :confused:

 

Personally, I'd say the more discardible the better, if it's just to be a quick roll in the hay... It all depends on what your intention is with the A.

jthorne Established Member

jthorne

Posted
Posted
Not every ONS is about narcissism. But the same way that the guy you pick up on a tropical beach isn't screened for "life partner" qualities, why would every fling with a MM need to seek out reliable, trustworthy life partner material? :confused:

 

Personally, I'd say the more discardible the better, if it's just to be a quick roll in the hay... It all depends on what your intention is with the A.

 

Then why would you need a married man, either? Why not a discardable single guy? I know, you've said numerous times that SG's are boring. But this is where your statements, to me, don't make sense. You say you preferred MM to have A's with, right? Because they were of a higher caliber then SG's, correct? But your statement above, you said someone discardable is best. Common logic says to me that if you think they are discardable, then they also don't have much value. So are you also saying that the MM you shagged were discardable and of little worth?

 

Also, since you have used your situation in this thread as an example, I'm confused by something. You have said numerous times that before he met you, your now-H was controlled and abused by his ex-W. But in this thread, you said that they for the most part lived entirely separate lives. I'm confused how someone who is being controlled by another can live an entirely seperate life? Separate enough in fact, to not worry/be unapologetic about the excuses he'd have to make to her when being "summoned" (your word) by you. Could you please clarify? Thanks.

SidLyon Established Member

SidLyon

Posted
Posted
Not every ONS is about narcissism. But the same way that the guy you pick up on a tropical beach isn't screened for "life partner" qualities, why would every fling with a MM need to seek out reliable, trustworthy life partner material? :confused:

 

Personally, I'd say the more discardible the better, if it's just to be a quick roll in the hay... It all depends on what your intention is with the A.

 

And to get back on track - what is the reaction to an unapologetice MM who said:

 

Not every ONS with an OW is about narcissism. But the same way that the girl you pick up on a tropical beach isn't screened for "life partner" qualities, why would every fling with an OW need to seek out reliable, trustworthy life partner material?

 

Personally, I'd say the more discardible the better, if it's just to be a quick roll in the hay... It all depends on what your intention is with the A.

Sidtheskid Established Member

Sidtheskid

Posted
Posted
And to get back on track - what is the reaction to an unapologetice MM who said:

 

Not every ONS with an OW is about narcissism. But the same way that the girl you pick up on a tropical beach isn't screened for "life partner" qualities, why would every fling with an OW need to seek out reliable, trustworthy life partner material?

 

Personally, I'd say the more discardible the better, if it's just to be a quick roll in the hay... It all depends on what your intention is with the A.

 

It is lazy to do this.

 

No one is "discardable" - that is surely narrisistic. People suck.

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted
It is lazy to do this.

 

No one is "discardable" - that is surely narrisistic. People suck.

 

My original point (before the t/j ing and twisting rendered it unrecognisable) was that if a MM was "unapologetic" in the sense of being serial, and not in the sense of being conflicted and "trapped" but unashamed, then he may be seeking short-term "flings" rather than longer-term love Rs with his OW.

 

In which case, it would seem to me that it would suit his purpose better if he chose women that he considered "discardible", in the sense of not caring if he never saw them again, so that the risks of developing an attachment would be minimised.

 

As I said, it would depend on what kind of an A (or As) he was seeking, and why, as to whether or not this would suit his purpose.

 

(And yes, some MMs have narcissistic traits. As do some SGs, some MWs, some BSs, some APs, some people of any description. But whether narcissistic types prefer short term flings or long term co-dependency I'm not sure - I've seen a lot of the latter, not so much of the former.)

donnamaybe Established Member

donnamaybe

Posted
Posted
From what I have learned by reading this and other relationship forums, the OW may have power in creating or exacerbating a problem within a marriage, but they have little to no power in creating a solution. Especially a solution that benefits them.

Right. Most often they have very little NO control over their own lives. Many are having their bills paid (can't take care of themselves) by an MM. Nearly all want the MM all to themselves, but he doesn't want that.

 

I prefer having MY power. Woman power baby! And MY man IS with me 100%. :)

donnamaybe Established Member

donnamaybe

Posted
Posted
My last exH was 3000mi away. His job was in one state, mine in another...I was preparing to move with him in the state he was working.

 

In the first couple of weeks I picked up on his tone and knew something was up...then began to "listen" closer and found many discrepancies. Even with being distracted with many things...with him being gone made it even easier to discover his EMA's.

 

It's not just my story that I am basing this theory on, it is a culmination of experiences heard and have learned personally over the years.

Some MP are craftier and more intelligent than others. Perhaps your ex wasn't good enough at lying...? :confused:

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted
From what I have learned by reading this and other relationship forums, the OW may have power in creating or exacerbating a problem within a marriage, but they have little to no power in creating a solution. Especially a solution that benefits them.

 

What a weird way of looking at things!

 

Surely a R - any R - should be about both parties creating a mutually beneficial "solution"??? why should either one be doing the "fixing" on behalf of both? That's not a R, that's a charity! :eek:

 

I'm just glad that both of us asserted our agency and created a solution that benefits us both, rather than either of us looking to the other to save them :rolleyes:

redcurls Established Member

redcurls

Posted
Posted
What a weird way of looking at things!

 

Surely a R - any R - should be about both parties creating a mutually beneficial "solution"??? why should either one be doing the "fixing" on behalf of both? That's not a R, that's a charity! :eek:

 

I'm just glad that both of us asserted our agency and created a solution that benefits us both, rather than either of us looking to the other to save them :rolleyes:

 

Welllll, if the entire A was OW's "fault" and as she is solely responsible by tempeing and seducing the otherwise loyal and trustworthy MM, its no surprise that she ALONE should find a "solution" and fix it, no?

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted
Welllll, if the entire A was OW's "fault" and as she is solely responsible by tempeing and seducing the otherwise loyal and trustworthy MM, its no surprise that she ALONE should find a "solution" and fix it, no?

 

If those MMs have so little agency, then their Ws are as guilty of rape as any OW...

PeachyPink Established Member

PeachyPink

Posted
Posted
Right. Most often they have very little NO control over their own lives. Many are having their bills paid (can't take care of themselves) by an MM. Nearly all want the MM all to themselves, but he doesn't want that.

 

I prefer having MY power. Woman power baby! And MY man IS with me 100%. :)

Thank you, I see you got the real meaning of my post.:)
AngeletteX Established Member

AngeletteX

Posted
Posted
Welllll, if the entire A was OW's "fault" and as she is solely responsible by tempeing and seducing the otherwise loyal and trustworthy MM, its no surprise that she ALONE should find a "solution" and fix it, no?

 

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

You make it sound as if a gun is held to their heads. :lmao: I don't know if you've ever been in an A but it's not like that.

 

You can't tempt and seduce someone who is truly happy with their M.

donnamaybe Established Member

donnamaybe

Posted
Posted

No, but you can participate in the enabling of a cheating louse who cares for no one but him/herself.

AngeletteX Established Member

AngeletteX

Posted
Posted
No, but you can participate in the enabling of a cheating louse who cares for no one but him/herself.

 

Oh yes, kind of like the way fast food corporations enable obese people to get fat.

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted
ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

You make it sound as if a gun is held to their heads. :lmao: I don't know if you've ever been in an A but it's not like that.

 

You can't tempt and seduce someone who is truly happy with their M.

 

Um, I think your irony detector needs a new battery...

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted
Oh yes, kind of like the way fast food corporations enable obese people to get fat.

 

... or microwave companies are responsible for idiots cooking their dogs in them because they don't explicitly warm people not to :rolleyes:

PeachyPink Established Member

PeachyPink

Posted
Posted
I sympathize with your pain, but this entire "rape" issue here is refernced here sarcastically. Nothing more.
I hope we are talking semantics here. Otherwise, the level of insensitivity shown is diabolical. Being taken or ravished is entirely different than being raped.

 

You obviously do not sympathize with my pain, or you would see that there is no place for sarcasm in reference to rape.

donnamaybe Established Member

donnamaybe

Posted
Posted (edited)
Oh yes, kind of like the way fast food corporations enable obese people to get fat.

Um, last I heard, people are given the fat and calorie count in that food.

 

However, in a cheating situation SOMEONE is being lied to.

 

Just when you thought it wasn't rocket science... :rolleyes:

Edited by donnamaybe
AngeletteX Established Member

AngeletteX

Posted
Posted
Um, last I heard, the fat people are given the fat and calorie count in that food.

 

However, in a cheating situation SOMEONE is being lied to.

 

Just when you thought it wasn't rocket science... :rolleyes:

 

So you're telling me these BSs have absolutely NO IDEA that something is off/wrong/not right in their M?

 

If that's the case and the BSs have NO IDEA and are perfectly happy in their M, what's the problem?

 

I think most of these BSs get up in arms because they're not happy themselves. And can't stand the fact their WS are.

AngeletteX Established Member

AngeletteX

Posted
Posted
Um, I think your irony detector needs a new battery...

 

Yes you are correct. My irony detector needs a cup of coffee! :)

donnamaybe Established Member

donnamaybe

Posted
Posted
If that's the case and the BSs have NO IDEA and are perfectly happy in their M, what's the problem?

I'll use the same analogy once again.

 

So if no one told you your toothbrush was being used to scrub the toilet, that would be fine and dandy because you're blissfully ignorant. :lmao:

 

The rationalization on this forum is un-f'ing-believable. :rolleyes:

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
I hope we are talking semantics here. Otherwise, the level of insensitivity shown is diabolical. Being taken or ravished is entirely different than being raped.

 

You obviously do not sympathize with my pain, or you would see that there is no place for sarcasm in reference to rape.

 

Rape isn't a joke and it shouldn't be used as an example, or a comparison, even more so since you have mentioned a few times that this has affected your life. Sorry to hear this and I hope the caught the f.ukcer who did that to you!

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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