Just told him to leave 2 hours ago. I feel sad,y?

[luvflower]

Why am I feeling so bad when I made the decision to break up with him for valid reasons?

 

Brief bkgnd: More in dating section called: HIS WORDS VS. HIS ACTIONS

· I broke up w/him twice before. Once when we first started dating because he was really compulsive in his calling me and wanting to know my every whereabouts every hour, almost literally.

· I felt sorry for him and was a bit lonely I guess. So I got back together with him.

· Next time around he keeps the compulsive calling 10 times a day while I;m at work. i enjoyed talking to him but something seemed a bit strange about him. I ignored it…and baby mama drama and his behavior pushed me away yet again. He became spiteful, petty, still compulsively calling me 20x/day but acting like he cant answer the phone when I returned his calls. Made comments as if I was being “nagging” when I returned his calls. Yes I’ve researched co-dependents and emotionally abusive men a little because people have suggested that he seems to fit the categories.

· So now we were living together up until this morning.

· Prior to this morning I’d grown tired of explaing why I didn’t answer my phone, which men I was working with, why I didn’t call hin as much as he called me, then having all that stuff thrown in my face or ignored when asking him why he had to work so late or why was he so concerned about me not calling him back when he was busy calling some other chic to distract him (to hear him tell it).

· I am a lady, not a whore, so why would he assume that im messing around just because I’m at work with people who happen to be males. Why would he assume that because I want him to leave, that it’s b/c I WANT to be w/somebody else. WHY CAN HE NOT SEE THAT I FEEL DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED from his recent behavior and he seems to want to stay in my presence and gloat in my being annoyed or displeased with him? Why!?

 

Today was the deal breaker. This morning before he’s going to work. I glance over at his phone. I was flipped open from when he got home last night. So I looked at his outgoing calls as he has done to my phone and texts and he’s even called a guy from my phone to tell him to stop calling me. So the number he’d called last night was some chic. I heard her voicemail when I called the number right there in front of him from his phone. He lied, he acted as if it was no big deal, he looks me in the face as if it’s a joke, walks closer to me, I got angry and pushed him in his face. My behavior escalating to this level is not my norm at all…This is why I have told him I can no longer have him in my life!! He will end up making me catch a case. I don’t need that drama in my life nor do I want someone who gets satisfaction out of seeing me angry. He seems to be more passive aggressive while I speak my mind and address things head on. But recently I hadn’t said much I was just ignoring his behavior and some of his calls because he seemed to be playing a game.

 

So this morning I told him to please just go ahead and get his things and leave. I had most of his things at the door, btw and had been telling him to get them for the past few weeks. So when I ask him why he though he could lie or play games, thinking I would still want him living with me, he says: “well how do you think I feel with you telling me that you’re not going to be just sitting around twiddling your thumbs waiting on me and that other guys have been trying to hit on you or come back into your life? How do you think that made me feel!?”

He grabbed his things eventually, as he left for work. I left out before him feeling so bad. And here I am telling you guys about this because I feel like it’s going to be pretty hard to make it through the day. He was familiar to me, though not healthy for me. We had become toxic to one another and I can’t keep dealing with that. So I apologized for smashing/slapping him but thanked him for giving me yet another reason to really let him go. I really want this to be IT. I left his place when we were staying in his place. This time I told him to leave my place. Although I asked him to leave I feel bad b/c I think he’s gone for good. May not even call to see how I’m doing. I miss him and that’s not good.

 

I just don’t like the way I’m feeling right now. Please someone…help. Remind me of why I should be happy he grabbed his things and left. He still has the key though, so I’m gonna have to get it eventually, I guess. WHEN I LEFT HIM I LEFT HIM HIS KEYS AND everything…I know we don’t belong together.

Edited January 26, 2011 by luvflower

[carhill]

IMO, you miss the familiar and are processing the grief for the person you were when you loved him completely and without reservation.

 

I still run across reminders of my M and have little 'moments'. IMO, that's healthy. It means we feel.

 

Hang in there. It'll work out

[luvflower]

Thanks Carhill. I realize it's healthy to feel. So what about him...he's acting like he's not feeling anything. Why am I the one feeling like this??

 

Right now, I'm really hoping I stop "feeling" and move on due to this situation. I should be happy, instead I'm feeling bad.

 

Just wanna emotionally move on in fast forward.

[carhill]

IME, the more completely one accepts the feelings they have, the more completely and quickly the healing process proceeds.

 

No of us really knows what is going on within the psyche of another. We can postulate and project and analyze, as well as accept.

 

I would presume he has some feelings about the breakup, and likely they are dissimilar from your own and unique to his psychology.

 

When you say 'he acts', and make the inquiry, my instinct is to suggest NC to distance yourself from circumstances which may stir up such desires for understanding *him*. Now is a time to understand *you*. Good luck

[muse08]

IMO, at this point he probably feels like he has gotten the best of you by you being upset. Of course he really hasnt because you put "him" out.

 

As mentioned before, he may try to find ways to get you to communicate with him and get you upset just to see if you really care or just to see you're going to stick by your word.

 

Hopefully, you do stand by your word. Even if he tries communicating with you again. Stand byyour word. He is truly manipulative...it's obvious in his actions. His type thinks people(you) can't see right through him. Just know that he is playing a twisted game where he probably expects you to apologize and ask him to come back so he can continue trying to "boss you around" as xpaperxcut said...lol. Not laughing at you, it's just amazing how some men hold grudges and try to play "payback" forever, rather than just removing themselves from the situation.

 

Has he ever broken up with you?

[muse08]

IME, the more completely one accepts the feelings they have, the more completely and quickly the healing process proceeds.

 

No of us really knows what is going on within the psyche of another. We can postulate and project and analyze, as well as accept.

 

I would presume he has some feelings about the breakup, and likely they are dissimilar from your own and unique to his psychology.

 

When you say 'he acts', and make the inquiry, my instinct is to suggest NC to distance yourself from circumstances which may stir up such desires for understanding *him*. Now is a time to understand *you*. Good luck

 

I agree with Carhill with regards to "acceptance". If you're feeling the pain now...good. In most cases when people act as if they don't feel the hurt or the reality of a break up, they later come back running to make amends or live with hurt within their own hearts and replaying everything on how things coulds/woulda/shoulda been, ya know.

 

If anybody else would like to chime in that would truly be helpful. Sometimes, people take break ups too lightly, assuming people are equipped with tools to cope...so not true.

 

I've been there/done that, but it was never easy. Coming to this site though did make it easier. Feedback helps...people with similar stories help...I still have thoughts of my past relationship issues, but revisiting like situations online, thru books, etc really helps.

 

Chime in guys;)

[luvflower]

true...it does help coming here to get some insight on certain situations.

 

right now, i'm just replaying this relationship over and over in my head. i was fine until i was silly enough to get back into a relationship with him after breakin up with him before and going no contact...

 

so, yeah, i've done that before carhill...lol. thanks tho.i really should stick to it.

 

he probably won't text or call me all day today to apologize for anything or discuss anything. in his mind it's always my fault. he NEVER, EVER takes responsibility for things that happen. me putting him out is just me being mean or crazy. i'm pretty cretain that's his take on things.

 

• one thing that sticks out in my mind is that in his attemp to defend himself, he kept bringing up things that happened in the past. things that i hadnt thought twice about...but those things obviously bothered him, but rather than discussing it, he chooses to hold it in and be spiteful. that to me, is the huge turn off.
  

[bohogurl1]

wow, this sounds too much like my situation...

 

now i'm really wondering...

 

help~

[luvflower]

Well, here's an update guys. He's been calling and texting everyday after I posted this thread. I've been leaving my phone off during bed time. When i wake up i notice he's called throughout the night &texted several messages. He always calls early in the morning once he's heading to work.

 

So presently he's trying to come back amongst other things.

 

I don't understand this behavior. Does he not even see how he acts? Once I ignore him he tries pulling me back in harder. I don't understand.

 

He still has the key to the apartment and should be giving it to me today. Nevertheless, I still intend to stand by my decision.

[lululucy]

Just keep up the NC as best you can.. if you can afford it, get the lock changed. He may be giving you back your key but he could have made copies. He sounds like a real piece of work and you did the right thing getting rid of him for the third (and final) time.

 

Compulsive calling and texting just isn't okay behaviour for a significant other. Definitely not calling men from your phone to get them to cut off contact!

 

I've just started to remind myself why I wanted the break (that he turned into a break-up) to begin with -- not everything was great. We have a tendency to remember the good parts and ignore all the negatives.. but you have the negatives pretty clearly laid out. Once the key situation is sorted, just go back to total NC and allow yourself the space to get perspective.

[luvflower]

Just keep up the NC as best you can.. if you can afford it, get the lock changed. He may be giving you back your key but he could have made copies. He sounds like a real piece of work and you did the right thing getting rid of him for the third (and final) time.

 

Compulsive calling and texting just isn't okay behaviour for a significant other. Definitely not calling men from your phone to get them to cut off contact!

 

I've just started to remind myself why I wanted the break (that he turned into a break-up) to begin with -- not everything was great. We have a tendency to remember the good parts and ignore all the negatives.. but you have the negatives pretty clearly laid out. Once the key situation is sorted, just go back to total NC and allow yourself the space to get perspective.

 

Thanks. I will try. I should be getting the key at some point today. He is begging me to come back and begging me not to leave.( I'm supposed to be moving...). He's even said we're going to get married.... I don't think so! He's proposed before but I gave the ring back. Perhaps I really don't love him enough? His mother has even told me that I don't love him the way he loves me. He's a mama's boy and you know how that goes. She mentioned the fact that when she was in the hospital, she was on the hospital bed and all he was talking about was me and how I'd broken up with him(about 6-9 months ago).

 

Yes he is a piece of work. and yes, I understand how you've had to remind yourself of the reasons why you needed the break...same here chica! It's hard when you spent a lot of time together. I think this is one reason why "shacking" is not a good thing. If we were married I wouldn't bail on him and we wouldn't/shouldn't do dumb stuff to make the other WANT to bail...

 

???