edgeofdarkness Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 i dont spell or write v well, i hv difficulty with words but i mean well, you need to re valuate yr own self perseption and undertsnd that all the validation u need fr yourself is behind yr eyes. the biggest lies r the ones we tell ourselves, we bcome convinced of our own failur, so you really just need to change yr mind, sounds easy i know but its all you need 2 do. you hve yr own mind, you hv the total freedom to chnge it.
edgeofdarkness Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 above post was fr weeble, depplover ther may b many reasons as why he lost his sense of porpotion and begun behaving this way, sure look for all the reasons u whant weeble, fine, but any chages gotta come form him, he hs to admit the porblem n deal with it head on. she can find all the rite reasons, dont mean a thing bcus all shes got is reasons, not changes.
depplover_1980 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I know Edge but losing a baby is a massive deal and it is a huge coincidence. Experts can advise on specifically the psychology behind how he might be feeling and help her. I think unfortunately we can take it out on the ones we love, which isn't fair by a long shot but is a fact of life, especially in long term relationships.
edgeofdarkness Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 i know my aunt lost 4. hr hubsband ws frantic but he never left hr side n was supportiv n strong for her we all deal wth sh%t in differant ways this dude takes it out on her she shdnt hv to deal with his crap and what shes having to cope with tooo.
dispatch3d Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hey, this is where I feel I do have a bit of a problem and is exactly how he describes it. Although during the last several months, I have had to contend with an unprecedented amount of stress in my life and found that I have reacted badly at times. He hasn't been there, which compounded it and made me feel like he didn't care - when I should of not bothered whether he cared or not and just left him to it. Magnifying issues like this only hurts you. There is no such thing as "unprecedented amounts of stress". You aren't the president of the US or something. Chill out! . Don't magnify your own issues. They are just things that are delt with. They DEFINITELY ARE NOT "unprecented" or any other "big deal" you make them out to be. They are only a big deal because you decide to MAKE THEM a big deal. Stop doing that! It's because I do see myself as weak. When I was crying at home from the miscarriage and he wasn't there, instead of pulling myself together I cried and wanted him more. My ex did that when I was very ill over a year ago, and would disappear for days leaving me on the sofa (I was on painkillers and out of it for several months, knowing nobody in the area). I've always been scared of being left again and this I see as a weakness. As for not being weak, I have few friends not too close to me so last night I went out to an online-organised socialising party and spent a couple hours meeting new people having a great time. You know what, I came home from work yesterday in tears, and this morning I feel better for myself for doing it. You are responsible for your own emotions. You chose to get so upset that you cried. It's no more complicated than that. You could have also chosen to deal with the emotions first, or at least realized they were there and seek some sort of release to get rid of them. I'm determined not to let him erode my confidence and to start standing up for myself and start fighting for what I want again. The last 2 years have seen me brought to my knees wishing to disappear and not live any more, and I have had a lot of support from family and friends and I think I have somewhat got used to this support and become a victim. I want to become a fighter again and change my life back around. Our relationship wasn't always like this and I want to see if we can both get it back together. I'm not perfect, and he has put up with some lashing out from me on more than one occasion. People don't erode your confidence. Confidence is something that comes from you, and is (for the most part) completely independant of other people. I wouldn't attempt to be a "fighter" or a "victim", or a "supportor". To me this is all the wrong way of thinking about problems/issues you face. Supportors try to help others to make themselves feel better, victims try to elicit help from others so they don't have to deal with the problems themselves, and fighters attack the problem (whether that's verbally, by working on it a lot, whatever). What you need to do is (a) deal with the emotional response (b) then address the problem. Start working on that. Your boyfriend has absolutely nothing to do with the above, and he'd probably appreciate being left out of it for a bit. Oh the other thing I caught is you stew on your emotions. You have to address the emotions in as short a period as possible and then target some other (happy) thing. Problem solving life issues really should never take over an hour to do. Very few life decisions really warrant longer than that (although the emotional reaction can very easily last hours, but realize it's an emotional reaction, not you "working out" the answer - which would actually take like 30 minutes tops).
depplover_1980 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 This is brilliant advice. Magnifying issues like this only hurts you. There is no such thing as "unprecedented amounts of stress". You aren't the president of the US or something. Chill out! . Don't magnify your own issues. They are just things that are delt with. They DEFINITELY ARE NOT "unprecented" or any other "big deal" you make them out to be. They are only a big deal because you decide to MAKE THEM a big deal. Stop doing that! You are responsible for your own emotions. You chose to get so upset that you cried. It's no more complicated than that. You could have also chosen to deal with the emotions first, or at least realized they were there and seek some sort of release to get rid of them. People don't erode your confidence. Confidence is something that comes from you, and is (for the most part) completely independant of other people. I wouldn't attempt to be a "fighter" or a "victim", or a "supportor". To me this is all the wrong way of thinking about problems/issues you face. Supportors try to help others to make themselves feel better, victims try to elicit help from others so they don't have to deal with the problems themselves, and fighters attack the problem (whether that's verbally, by working on it a lot, whatever). What you need to do is (a) deal with the emotional response (b) then address the problem. Start working on that. Your boyfriend has absolutely nothing to do with the above, and he'd probably appreciate being left out of it for a bit. Oh the other thing I caught is you stew on your emotions. You have to address the emotions in as short a period as possible and then target some other (happy) thing. Problem solving life issues really should never take over an hour to do. Very few life decisions really warrant longer than that (although the emotional reaction can very easily last hours, but realize it's an emotional reaction, not you "working out" the answer - which would actually take like 30 minutes tops).
Author weeble78 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Magnifying issues like this only hurts you. There is no such thing as "unprecedented amounts of stress". You aren't the president of the US or something. Chill out! . Don't magnify your own issues. They are just things that are delt with. They DEFINITELY ARE NOT "unprecented" or any other "big deal" you make them out to be. They are only a big deal because you decide to MAKE THEM a big deal. Stop doing that! I agree I maybe magnify issues, but I'm trying to be careful of getting stuck in an abusive relationship again. The last year and a half of my life has nearly finished me off - I had a nervous breakdown, was being physically and verbally abused by my exBF, was sick and lost both my jobs, was dealing with debt caused by my ex, had my family and friends desert me saying I was lying - all this topped off by an operation and months of being couch-bound. This is the reality of things but through everything I kept on going, helping people where I could and trying to keep everyone happy. This resulted in a breakdown and has changed me as a person - it really was a big deal to me. I still have nightmares to this day. You are responsible for your own emotions. You chose to get so upset that you cried. It's no more complicated than that. You could have also chosen to deal with the emotions first, or at least realized they were there and seek some sort of release to get rid of them. I chose to cry for the baby I lost and I chose to grieve. To be pushed away by your SO for this and be denied comfort or even contact was hard. People don't erode your confidence. Confidence is something that comes from you, and is (for the most part) completely independant of other people. I agree that confidence should come from you, but if you've spent a year being told you are a whole list of things and have this thumped into you, it's hard to shake off. I wouldn't attempt to be a "fighter" or a "victim", or a "supportor". To me this is all the wrong way of thinking about problems/issues you face. Supportors try to help others to make themselves feel better, victims try to elicit help from others so they don't have to deal with the problems themselves, and fighters attack the problem (whether that's verbally, by working on it a lot, whatever). What you need to do is (a) deal with the emotional response (b) then address the problem. Start working on that. It would be lovely to life to be so easy as to just deal with things, but sometimes it's not that easy. Your subconscious and your instinct for self-preservation are hard things to override. Your boyfriend has absolutely nothing to do with the above, and he'd probably appreciate being left out of it for a bit. I've thought long about this and although I've always tried to keep him out of things, I guess I've been hard on him due to reasons of my own. I've admitted this to him and apologised for it, saying I will try harder to be more easygoing. Oh the other thing I caught is you stew on your emotions. You have to address the emotions in as short a period as possible and then target some other (happy) thing. Problem solving life issues really should never take over an hour to do. Very few life decisions really warrant longer than that (although the emotional reaction can very easily last hours, but realize it's an emotional reaction, not you "working out" the answer - which would actually take like 30 minutes tops). I appreciate this advice, and have spent the whole week thinking about things. I will try to not stew on emotions and try to rationalise my emotions a little more. I want to give this relationship a good shot and most of all I want to make my boyfriend happier than he's ever been. He always used to say how special we were, and how he'd never dreamed of finding somebody like me who would make him so happy. I want him to feel like that again.
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