weeble78 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Ok, so I have a question. Scenario: GF unhappy after way BF treated her during a major event in her life e.g. he disappeared, didn't phone etc. BF has accused her of overreacting on previous occasions, which maybe once or twice GF has overreacted. When GF tries to talk to BF about being unhappy at seeing him less, communicating less, BF immediately jumps down her throat and shouts, saying that GF is making a big deal out of things and hasn't done anything wrong. BF says he feels GF is trying to do the relationship down and is focussing on the negative. Yells can't take it any more and walks out. This happens numerous times. GF gets nervous to bring it up again. What is this? Who is in the wrong?
edgeofdarkness Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 any more red flags youd care to discusss???
Author weeble78 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Sarcastic remarks really aren't helpful, but thanks for taking the time to post. I'm looking for some genuine help here.
depplover_1980 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Perhaps you nag too much? After a while this is all men hear and shut down.
Cee Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 The GF is in an abusive relationship with an unavailable man. The only happy ending to this story is her leaving him. After she leaves him, she will probably need to seek counseling and support to break her addiction to toxic relationships. It's not an easy road to recover and I've seen many people falter. But it can be done if she has the proper support system in her life. Usually women (and I suppose men too) in toxic relationships don't have friends and have dysfunctional family dynamics. So there's a lot of work to do. But she can make the journey if she has the courage to take the first step. Every word I've wrote is from my personal experience and of many friends. Breaking free from addiction/codependency was the hardest thing I've ever done. And it has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done.
Author weeble78 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Well since meeting him I have picked up on things I think are issues which he does not. He does not like discussing things like that any more and gets angry if I bring something up which he thinks is little. My friends note I can be intense sometimes, and also overthink things. I have tried curtailing this and trying to chill out - but over the last couple of months I have had 3 big things happen to me which has knocked me and my family for 6 - this has equalled stress which he doesn't deal with.
Author weeble78 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Hi Cee Thanks for being so precise. In reply, I have a good family behind me who have been very supportive during the last year. I also have good friends, albeit who don't live around here anymore - and I have just joined a social group with whom I'm going out tonight. Is there any way I can stop him being this way?
edgeofdarkness Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Sarcastic remarks really aren't helpful, but thanks for taking the time to post. I'm looking for some genuine help here. That wasnt intended as sarcasam, but your ignoring everything everyone is telling u. u need to remov yrself from this relationship, becus he is dominneering. U keep making excuses for him, but u hv to see that this is just confusing the issue. his temper, impatientce and inconsidarate behavior is not good for u. with the crisis hittitng yr family for 6 he shoud be supportive, not shouting u down.
depplover_1980 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I suspect you are always looking for problems in the relationship instead of enjoying it; you went into it nervous it would end and really it is a self fulfilling prophecy.
edgeofdarkness Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Hi Cee Thanks for being so precise. In reply, I have a good family behind me who have been very supportive during the last year. I also have good friends, albeit who don't live around here anymore - and I have just joined a social group with whom I'm going out tonight. Is there any way I can stop him being this way? u cant fix people they hv to see the problem n fix thenmselves. u hv to safegaurd yr own welbeing. Really u need to open yr eyes and see it wont get better, u need to get out of this in 1 peice.
Author weeble78 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 That wasnt intended as sarcasam, but your ignoring everything everyone is telling u. u need to remov yrself from this relationship, becus he is dominneering. U keep making excuses for him, but u hv to see that this is just confusing the issue. his temper, impatientce and inconsidarate behavior is not good for u. with the crisis hittitng yr family for 6 he shoud be supportive, not shouting u down. Hi Thanks for your email back. I am not intending to come across as ignoring anybody, I am merely looking for answers and trying to understand what is going on before I can even decide what to do. I agree he should be more supportive, but I don't think he knows how to be.
Author weeble78 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 I hate to sound like Ali G, but is it because I am weak?
Author weeble78 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 I suspect you are always looking for problems in the relationship instead of enjoying it; you went into it nervous it would end and really it is a self fulfilling prophecy. So if this was the case, is there a way it can be happily resolved?
edgeofdarkness Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I hate to sound like Ali G, but is it because I am weak? why do u keep seeing yrself as weak and flawed, and him as having just cause? Why do u think its up to u to find a way to resolve this? U R not the problem!!!!!! turn the tables, yr not weak - he is. rudeness and bullying is a weak mans show of strenghth. remember he told everyone how he had found the one when u n him got together? well yr so good for him, but u scare him becus yr too good. so he has to have power over u. this is classic of a guy who knows his woman is stronger than him. to beat her down to a weaek level. I seen it happen with a good frend of mien. #fortunetly, she got out in time. u hve to do the same. and alig is 'is it becus I is weak?'
dispatch3d Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 relationships aren't a zero sum game. You are both in the wrong as far as I'm concerned. The girl (apparently) takes out her frustrations on the boyfriend - who isn't aware of what he should be doing. The boyfriend should just be listening and understanding. Meh he's kinda failing at that though. Try not to put him in a spot where he feels at fault for your life problems. He should also realize that supporting you>>>yelling at you. Ultimately your problems are your own things to solve, so you have to come to some kind of realization that those things are in no way his fault. That's probably his point (if he has one).
depplover_1980 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 So if this was the case, is there a way it can be happily resolved? I think your self esteem is very damaged and you would need to address this yourself, through counselling and being single for a good while. You have a blame mentality (based on what I have read).
Alma Mobley Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I have read all your threads and I don't think this is going to work out. His keeping his phone from you, not giving you his email, and telling you not to text him at work EVER are bad signs, plus you just moved in together and have so many difficulties. It shouldn't be like that. Was the major life event in which he disappeared your miscarriage?
Author weeble78 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 I have read all your threads and I don't think this is going to work out. His keeping his phone from you, not giving you his email, and telling you not to text him at work EVER are bad signs, plus you just moved in together and have so many difficulties. It shouldn't be like that. Was the major life event in which he disappeared your miscarriage? Hi Yes, this seemed to be the precursor to everything. I have said to him several times that things changed since then. I can see he doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't seem to have the same connection, or want to have the same connection since then. I have tried talking about it but he just doesn't want to. I feel like he was turned by my response to the miscarriage or something? We have since talked about having children and marriage, but I am very aware that people will tell you what they want to hear. This might sound silly, but I had always had very thoughtful gifts from him. This xmas I got some kitchen implements and a tacky bag. Also, why would he move in with me saying he wants to forward our relationship? I feel may be he was scared by the emotion I showed about the miscarriage. He also doesn't understand why I still think about it sometimes. He's never really sat down and been confronted with everything (the way he behaved). Do you think it would do any good for me to sit down and point out all the ways things have changed and ask him why?
Author weeble78 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 relationships aren't a zero sum game. You are both in the wrong as far as I'm concerned. The girl (apparently) takes out her frustrations on the boyfriend - who isn't aware of what he should be doing. The boyfriend should just be listening and understanding. Meh he's kinda failing at that though. Try not to put him in a spot where he feels at fault for your life problems. He should also realize that supporting you>>>yelling at you. Ultimately your problems are your own things to solve, so you have to come to some kind of realization that those things are in no way his fault. That's probably his point (if he has one). Hey, this is where I feel I do have a bit of a problem and is exactly how he describes it. Although during the last several months, I have had to contend with an unprecedented amount of stress in my life and found that I have reacted badly at times. He hasn't been there, which compounded it and made me feel like he didn't care - when I should of not bothered whether he cared or not and just left him to it.
Author weeble78 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 why do u keep seeing yrself as weak and flawed, and him as having just cause? Why do u think its up to u to find a way to resolve this? U R not the problem!!!!!! turn the tables, yr not weak - he is. rudeness and bullying is a weak mans show of strenghth. remember he told everyone how he had found the one when u n him got together? well yr so good for him, but u scare him becus yr too good. so he has to have power over u. this is classic of a guy who knows his woman is stronger than him. to beat her down to a weaek level. I seen it happen with a good frend of mien. #fortunetly, she got out in time. u hve to do the same. It's because I do see myself as weak. When I was crying at home from the miscarriage and he wasn't there, instead of pulling myself together I cried and wanted him more. My ex did that when I was very ill over a year ago, and would disappear for days leaving me on the sofa (I was on painkillers and out of it for several months, knowing nobody in the area). I've always been scared of being left again and this I see as a weakness. Its quite empowering to hear you say what you have, about me being stronger than him. As for not being weak, I have few friends not too close to me so last night I went out to an online-organised socialising party and spent a couple hours meeting new people having a great time. You know what, I came home from work yesterday in tears, and this morning I feel better for myself for doing it.
edgeofdarkness Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 u hv to change your PoV, becus you r far frm weak, but hes erooding yr confidence, its not rite, hes manipulitiv bully and he thinks this is strong but hon i promis i kno better, pls trust me here n e one who uses thes tacktics to keep you whr he wants you isnt a lover, hes a piece of woork. he knows yr not waek, but he acts in a way tht makes u biliev it more n more. gotta ditch thus dude, hes bad news. do it while u still hve the strnghth to survive, becus u can.
Author weeble78 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 u hv to change your PoV, becus you r far frm weak, but hes erooding yr confidence, its not rite, hes manipulitiv bully and he thinks this is strong but hon i promis i kno better, pls trust me here n e one who uses thes tacktics to keep you whr he wants you isnt a lover, hes a piece of woork. he knows yr not waek, but he acts in a way tht makes u biliev it more n more. gotta ditch thus dude, hes bad news. do it while u still hve the strnghth to survive, becus u can. I'm determined not to let him erode my confidence and to start standing up for myself and start fighting for what I want again. The last 2 years have seen me brought to my knees wishing to disappear and not live any more, and I have had a lot of support from family and friends and I think I have somewhat got used to this support and become a victim. I want to become a fighter again and change my life back around. Our relationship wasn't always like this and I want to see if we can both get it back together. I'm not perfect, and he has put up with some lashing out from me on more than one occasion.
edgeofdarkness Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I'm determined not to let him erode my confidence and to start standing up for myself and start fighting for what I want again. The last 2 years have seen me brought to my knees wishing to disappear and not live any more, and I have had a lot of support from family and friends and I think I have somewhat got used to this support and become a victim. I want to become a fighter again and change my life back around. Our relationship wasn't always like this and I want to see if we can both get it back together. I'm not perfect, and he has put up with some lashing out from me on more than one occasion. nobodys perfect well xcept me im pretty close lol but really, if u start defining yr boundaries youll become much stronger, he may then up the anti and try even hardr to put u down, and then he will be showing his tru colors. relly, u need to think of the getout clause becos i see this ending and i see you coming out on top. support doesent mean u r a victim. bad support takes away yr own ability to fucntion for yrself. good support makes you do the right thing for yrself but with good backup. discuss wht u need, with yr family. You need support, everyone does, but you need the kind that will mk u stand up fr yrself, not the kind that makes u dependent. u go gurl.
Author weeble78 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 nobodys perfect well xcept me im pretty close lol but really, if u start defining yr boundaries youll become much stronger, he may then up the anti and try even hardr to put u down, and then he will be showing his tru colors. relly, u need to think of the getout clause becos i see this ending and i see you coming out on top. support doesent mean u r a victim. bad support takes away yr own ability to fucntion for yrself. good support makes you do the right thing for yrself but with good backup. discuss wht u need, with yr family. You need support, everyone does, but you need the kind that will mk u stand up fr yrself, not the kind that makes u dependent. u go gurl. I think that's where I have a problem, I've never really defined boundaries before and am not sure how to sensibly. I kind of try to be chilled about everything, even things that get to me (but aware that I sometimes overreact) - then some things that happen I just blow up. the louder you shout, the more you dissipate the message you're trying to get across. He views arguments as shout, argue, walk away, done. I view arguments as disagree, argue, walk away, come back and discuss. He hates to go over old ground and thinks I do it unnecessarily. Thank you for your strong words, I think I will be reading them again in the future. They make me feel more powerful and give me a better way of looking at things
depplover_1980 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I think he is suppressing strong emotion from the miscarriage, which can manifest and creep out in other ways - he is probably subconsiously blaming you for the miscarriage. The timing of his behaviour is too much of a coincidence. Before everyone starts shouting it is wrong, yes I agree but it is something that men don't know how to deal with, society does not exactly educate males on pregnancy very well, let alone miscarriage. I would check out some websites on that weeble and see what advice they give before throwing in any towels on the relationship.
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