SilverLining Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 After I was laid off, I moved out of my apt and moved in with a friend. We'd dated somewhat casually in the past, but never had anything exclusive. As we settled in, we started to continue that casual relationship, eventually becoming more of an exclusive relationship since neither of us were dating anyone else. I always liked him very much, but did not think a real relationship was a good idea for the following reasons: he does not handle anger constructively, he NEVER compliments me or seems to appreciate me, he can be very selfish and insensitive, we are not sexually compatible, and he's socially awkward to the point where I often get embarrassed when we are in public. When it's just the two of us at home, we have a lot of fun and get along decently...apart from the above. I've tried to talk to him about these things but while there is sometimes improvement nothing really changes. I would have started dating others long ago, but he then said he had fallen in love with me, which complicated matters a lot. For one thing, part of the reason I am living with him is because since he makes a lot of money at his job, he doesn't necessitate that I pay half the rent - I don't know that I could afford to move out on my unemployment income. So financially, I didn't want to create a situation where I might end up having to move back to my home state. And more importantly, emotionally I cared about and respected him and didn't want to hurt him by dating other people...and I did hope that perhaps something might change so I could date him. Which of course didn't happen. So now he says he doesn't have feelings for me anymore and agreed we should not be in a relationship. Which is fine, even though I do have feelings for him. I thought we would continue our sexual arrangement until I was able to move out - I've been frantically looking for work! - but THEN he said he was no longer even attracted to me. I've got an hourglass figure so I'm very curvy and decently pretty; this is the first time I've dealt with such a declaration and I feel extremely offended and hurt by it. And unfortunately, I am still attracted to him. I also have been feeling that even though a relationship would be out of the question because of the reasons stated above, I may have fallen in love with him. Last night we were hanging out, and somehow ended up having a water fight...with all the wrestling around he became very turned on, and asked me to have sex with him. To which I responded that although I would like to, I couldn't have sex with someone who was not attracted to me. I am not a masturbatory device. He replied with ok, and went on to pleasure himself. Which was of course, devastating to me. I know I need to move out. I'm a teacher with an advanced degree, and they have laid off thousands of teachers in my city and the surrounding burbs. I'm searching for anything else, but though I've scored a couple interviews, I have yet to find something. I'm waiting on the results of an interview and I'm also interviewing currently for international teaching positions. I plan to be out of here in the next few months...or at least before the start of the new school year. My question is this - how do I handle being 'dumped' by my roommate with grace and poise? I don't want to make this living situation too uncomfortable, I don't want to be losing my $h*t every time he makes some comment about girls (and he DOES - things like, oh I want to watch this yoga video so I can look at girls' a$$e$), and I don't want to be crying and depressed all the dang time so he gets to feel superior. I'm going to be dating and hopefully that will help, although my heart just isn't in it. Another part of the dynamic is that while I am a former cheerleader who did enjoy some measure of popularity, and am considered attractive and well-liked...this guy is the opposite. He's moody and lacking in social skills and my family and friends just cannot understand how I could have feelings for him, therefore they are lacking in sympathy. I kind of feel like I am on my own here. So tell me, online forum friends, how do I deal with this in a mature and kind way?
JrRos Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 What about moving in with your family while you find a job? or a friend. You need to get out of there.
Author SilverLining Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 I can't move in with family...I have zero family in this state, and back home I could only move in with my mom, who honestly is kinda done with having her kids live with her, and she lives in a very small town where there are no opportunities and many people have been laid off. There's a lot of competition and no jobs. My friends would let me stay for a couple weeks but since no one else has a second bedroom an indefinite or extended stay would be out of the question. The good news is that I JUST got a temp job starting Monday that might go to perm. That would allow me - even though the income is pretty small - to perhaps move out and live with a roommate. I could get a separate part time job to supplement as well. So if all goes well, I may not have to be here that much longer. I'm still not sure how I ought to behave while I am still here though. So, last night after I found out about the job, I went to dinner with the guy who told them to hire me. He's actually an old coworker of my roommate who I have been chatting with off and on, on fb. We are only friends, but my roommate was pretty upset that neither his old coworker nor I gave him the heads up before going out. He was even more upset because it seemed to him like a date - though it wasn't, the guy just got me a job though! But his old coworker is obviously smitten with me. I think he's just being territorial... but it struck some chord with him. After I came home I lounged around had some cocktails in the spirit of celebration, and got a little drunk. So my roommate put the moves on me and we ended up sleeping together. I did NOT intend or want to have sex with him again, but I guess the alcohol combined with my celebratory mood made me care a bit less about the ramifications of such an action. Needless to say, I'm regretting it. It's not that I don't want to sleep with the guy, I do. I just don't want to be an outlet for sexual frustration that has nothing to do with feelings or attraction to me. Not sure how to handle everything. Should I just pretend nothing happened and be cheerful as much as I can and date around? I know guys hate it when they dump a girl and she's all mopey and sad. It's NOT an attractive quality. I don't want him to feel sorry for me or think less of me.
Author SilverLining Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Oh and also - yes, I know he's being a jerk. His tendency to be a jerk at times is one of the reasons I wouldn't date him in the first place. Unfortunately sometimes after spending a lot of time with someone, you develop feelings for them even though you know it's not in your best interest.
Cee Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 You are living with your ex boyfriend and you are financially unstable. You are not available for dating. You are barely able to provide for yourself at the moment. I suggest you NOT date at all until you are financially secure and moved out of the apartment. There's too much risk in your life right now. You aren't on the lease nor paying half the rent. The ex could throw your stuff out on the street and legally be allowed to. He seems like a decent person, but even the best of friends can become the worst of enemies while living together. Try to make nice and get out as quickly as possible. Please don't invite more drama in your life by hooking up with guys while living with your ex. This will blow up in your face. The other bad thing about serial monogamy is you could end up relying on guys to rescue you. You can do this. You can be single and independent again. Give it time and work through the pain. Hang in there.
Author SilverLining Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Hm. We were never ever in an official relationship, and I was very clear from the beginning about the situation. We did get closer than we meant to...or I did anyway. We have never been in a formally exclusive relationship although neither of us dated for awhile. He is not a jealous person and has stated several times that I was able to date others, but I did not want to jeopardize the situation so I never did. Also, I'm a one guy at a time kind of girl and so I didn't tend to seek out or accept opportunities. However, he is currently on a few dating sites and setting up dates, so dating other people here isn't really an issue for me. He isn't going to kick me out for going on dates when he is doing the same thing. As to the financial stuff, the guy makes close to 6 figures and I'm not really causing him to spend too much extra since he already had the 2nd bedroom. The electric bill is higher maybe, and in return for letting me stay I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and run errands for him. Please believe that I know there is a difference between 'dating' and becoming involved in a 'relationship'. I have no intentions of starting a relationship now as I am not stable and on my own, but I think going on a few dates here and there would be good for me, especially as he is doing it as well.
JrRos Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Bluffing. So he's not jealous, yet he was upset that neither you or your friend told him about the dinner you two had. Not jealous alright.
Author SilverLining Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 I wondered that too. Of course he could always just be acting territorial...doesn't want me but doesn't necessarily want anyone else to want me.
JrRos Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Well I've done what he is doing to you. Pretend not to care. I've said things like what he has told you. I was bluffing. Ask yourself, if there was someone that you really did not want to be, and you have express this feeling as well as making yourself available for others, would you feel jealous that the person that YOU left is trying to find happiness again? If you're answer is anything but no. Then, you're not being honest with yourself nor the other person.
Author SilverLining Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Hm. But then I can't understand why he would hurt me when he knows I do care about him. And I wanted to continue the sexual relationship, I was being very affectionate with him, and he ignored and rebuffed me continuously. If he was in fact bluffing, why wouldn't he welcome my past advances? That just makes me feel like he's telling the truth.
JrRos Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Why do we hurt the one we love? Me, because I was stupid. Point is that is not logical that he "doesn't want you", yet he's jealous of the thought of you meeting someone else. Plus you slept with him right after. Sorry to bring it up, but that, at least in my way of seeing things, would make me feel I still have control over that person. Specially after she specifically express she did not want to engage in any sexual activity. I say he's bluffing. Try harder not to fall in his game. Collect money. Move out.
Author SilverLining Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Right I agree he feels that he has control over me. I have no objection to sleeping with him, except that he told me he's not attracted to me and he has to force himself to get attracted enough to sleep with me. It's kinda hard to want to have sex with someone after they have told you that. I made a mistake last night by not stopping things. At the time I was drunk and didn't really care about it as long as I got laid since I've been particularly frustrated. Clarity has set in and I am regretting it since I know it makes me appear weak and yes, puts me in his power. The thing is, he is acting like he is in power, and that actually attracts me more. He has never been so confident with me, and that's a turn-on...which is probably what is making this situation harder for me. Oh well. I guess that's just another example of how messed up people and relationships can be.
JrRos Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 We always want what is "hard" to get. Try to be a bit more logical about things. So he tells you he's not attracted to you. This at a time in which, let's just say, you were throwing yourself at him. Then, once he smells a "potential" other in your life all of a sudden the switch is back on. Let's party!. Come on really? If you want to continue with that, then by all means. After all, the only thing I can do is state my opinion. You will either take, or reject it. Try to think things through before hand. See the big picture. And always put yourself first, and look for what's best for you. Listen I have friends in Chicago if you want to meet new people lol.
Author SilverLining Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 I definitely see what you are saying, thank you for bringing some clarity to the situation. No, I definitely don't want to be a part of some stupid cycle. Thank you for your advice. Haha so kind of you to offer! I'm not entirely sure what I want out of meeting people though. I'm not available for a relationship and not sure I want to just have a friends with benefits situation...I'm sure that will be more clear as time goes on. I guess what I will do is go on with my life as best I can, find joy in the things that make me happy, stay busy and active. Go out on dates, but don't go crazy and don't act like I'm trying to make him jealous. Stay out of his way and stay out of his bedroom. Wish me luck!
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