Why he's telling me his problems....

[carhill]

My read is the OP is looking for healthy ways to patrol her boundaries without disrupting the workplace environment. Not having read her history, I know nothing of her circumstances other than that offered in the OP and gave advice thusly. If inappropriate, I offer my apologies.

 

OP, question, which I think might be relevant: What is the state of your marital recovery from your H's affair?

 

I ask because I have personal experience with people unknowingly sending out 'vibes' during times of marital distress/difficulty, and I've done it as well. It's not spoken, rather felt. It's *possible* that might have play in this dynamic.

[YellowShark]

Simply tell him nicely "I am uncomfortable with all this relationship talk about your wife and could he please drop it."

 

One sentence, that's all.

 

And Carhill is 100% right. This is how many EA's begin. People cross a boundary by sharing very personal details at work, and then rationalize that "Hey this person really understands me," then they imagine a connection and it begins to snowball... into a strong emotional bond.

 

If this guy is sharing personal stuff with you that he doesn't share with his wife then he is beginning to snowball into an EA with you. (It can be conscious or unconscious.)

[Lucky_One]

OK I do know what a revenge affair is therefore it still doesnt make sense that your mentioning this in my thread! I am NOT looking to have a revenge affair..and neither is he...not that I'm aware of anyway! I'm sure he would've told me if his wife was sleeping around on him in either case though. Sorry I just don't understand what point your trying to get at with mentioning a revenge affair!

 

Why would I be a logical target? He doesnt know my personal business? I'm not some sort of pushover who needs attention from a man to feel validated..let alone a married one at that! GROSS! I know that most would think i'm in this "vulernable" state...but I'm serious when I say I'm not! It's 10 times more clearer to me NOW than it ever was!

 

I mentioned it because it could very well be that HE is ripe for a revenge affair, for all the reasons that I listed. You would be a logical target for all the reasons I listed. Your personal business has nothing to do with why he could try to start an EMA with you - that is all about HIM.

 

I wasn't implying at all that you were a pushover or that you were vulnerable to being seduced. I said that it appears from my standpoint that HE could be trying to start an affair with YOU. That is why stopping the personal talk and setting boundaries is so important. Otherwise, he will start relying more and more on you for his emotional support, and that can often lead other emotions to grow.

[Snowflower]

Hi PP, you are getting great advice on this thread!

 

I have often wondered what I would/will do if I am ever confronted with a situation similar to what you are describing. So, a few questions for you...

 

How much do you value this guy's friendship? Do you genuinely care about him (and his wife/marriage) and you don't want to see him/them get hurt like you did? Depending on how you feel about him (and I mean this platonically) this will influence how you respond to his attempts.

 

I also wonder if he is subconsciously looking for something he thinks his marriage or current life isn't providing for him. You have good boundaries established, since you've been there, done that with your husband's choices and I hear it loud and clear in your posts here. But what about another woman he meets? One who doesn't have the good boundaries in place, hasn't had the crash course in infidelity, and/or is vulnerable herself? See where I'm going with this? As his friend, is there a way you can talk to him to get him thinking about what he is unhappy about? You know, the dangerous direction of his thoughts? I'm not saying you have to do this but sometimes a painful situation can be averted...that is why I asked how much you cared about him.

 

Finally, if you are sure he doesn't know anything about your own marriage...then I wonder if he somehow senses that you might be empathetic toward him. To explain further...I told very few people IRL what happened in my marriage. But yet, people often come to me for advice about difficult subjects or relationship issues that they are having. It's like I am projecting some type of vibe that I have a BTDT attitude about some things. It's amazing to me and there is no way some of these people know because I met them long after my H and I had reconciled.

 

So, I wonder if you have something about you, the nearly invisible mark of heartache, that gives this guy some type of 6th sense about you? I know this has happened to me...

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think its rude at all to tell him that you no longer wish to speak about his personal life, let alone his W and marriage, at work.

 

You have to set up some boundaries somewhere. Being nice and afraid to put up boundaries is exactly how many get sucked into affairs or other inappropriate relationships.

 

In fact, at work, I'd go so far as to put it in writing so I would have it documented should it ever get to the point of going to HR. Plus, seeing it in writing actually helps some people see when they are crossing a line they weren't aware of before.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

My read is the OP is looking for healthy ways to patrol her boundaries without disrupting the workplace environment. Not having read her history, I know nothing of her circumstances other than that offered in the OP and gave advice thusly. If inappropriate, I offer my apologies.

 

OP, question, which I think might be relevant: What is the state of your marital recovery from your H's affair?

 

I ask because I have personal experience with people unknowingly sending out 'vibes' during times of marital distress/difficulty, and I've done it as well. It's not spoken, rather felt. It's *possible* that might have play in this dynamic.

 

 

Your first paragraph is spot on. I will not let this...or his discussions about marriage affect me or my job...or his for that matter. Hes a good guy..but I have this sense NOW since hes been opening up to me and all..that he may have already had an affair previously. I don't know for sure and won't ask..but I sense something like that. I don't care...to each is own...but really? Arrgghhh

 

As far as my recovery with my man..things have been going really good. There NOW is no question in my mind that he loves me and regrets what he has done to me. Our communication level has never been better. Do I think about it? Hell yeah! Does it consume me...not as much as it used to...but its still there! All I know is our future looks brighter than it ever has..and thats all that really matters at this point. I live in the now...not in the 10 years from now..so thats all I can do at this point...is try!

 

I see what your saying with the unknowingly setting that vibe. Maybe in the early weeks after D-Day..but now..almost a year later? I don't know about that one.

[carhill]

OP, probably partially covered in your backstory, but two quick questions:

 

1. How long are you and H together now?

 

2. How long ago was the 'as of lately' with your co-worker?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Simply tell him nicely "I am uncomfortable with all this relationship talk about your wife and could he please drop it."

 

One sentence, that's all.

 

And Carhill is 100% right. This is how many EA's begin. People cross a boundary by sharing very personal details at work, and then rationalize that "Hey this person really understands me," then they imagine a connection and it begins to snowball... into a strong emotional bond.

 

If this guy is sharing personal stuff with you that he doesn't share with his wife then he is beginning to snowball into an EA with you. (It can be conscious or unconscious.)

 

I completely agree with this. But you really have to understand..I would NEVER put myself in this position. If anything I'm thinking less of him with all this talk. I would never jeopardize my job either. Too many negatives to even bother with.

 

He's a good hard working guy..I know this! I also know he bares a lot of resentment towards his wife. Some things I can agree with..and see his side on things..but thats none of my business..and I NEVER told him he's right or wrong on the issues he told me. I just try to turn the whole thing around...its kind of hard to explain here...trying to remain as anonymous as possible ya know..LOL

[PortuguesePrincess80]

OP, probably partially covered in your backstory, but two quick questions:

 

1. How long are you and H together now?

 

2. How long ago was the 'as of lately' with your co-worker?

 

1. Together 14 1/2 years.

 

2. Since Novemberish!

[carhill]

Thanks!

 

My advice at this time is to discuss this with your husband and get his input. One, he's a man and understands how men think. Two, he knows this man. Three, he knows you 14 1/2 years, and far better than this man or any of us. Lastly, this promotes teamwork, which is part of the recovery process.

 

Hope it works out

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Hi PP, you are getting great advice on this thread!

 

I have often wondered what I would/will do if I am ever confronted with a situation similar to what you are describing. So, a few questions for you...

 

How much do you value this guy's friendship? Do you genuinely care about him (and his wife/marriage) and you don't want to see him/them get hurt like you did? Depending on how you feel about him (and I mean this platonically) this will influence how you respond to his attempts.

 

I also wonder if he is subconsciously looking for something he thinks his marriage or current life isn't providing for him. You have good boundaries established, since you've been there, done that with your husband's choices and I hear it loud and clear in your posts here. But what about another woman he meets? One who doesn't have the good boundaries in place, hasn't had the crash course in infidelity, and/or is vulnerable herself? See where I'm going with this? As his friend, is there a way you can talk to him to get him thinking about what he is unhappy about? You know, the dangerous direction of his thoughts? I'm not saying you have to do this but sometimes a painful situation can be averted...that is why I asked how much you cared about him.

 

Finally, if you are sure he doesn't know anything about your own marriage...then I wonder if he somehow senses that you might be empathetic toward him. To explain further...I told very few people IRL what happened in my marriage. But yet, people often come to me for advice about difficult subjects or relationship issues that they are having. It's like I am projecting some type of vibe that I have a BTDT attitude about some things. It's amazing to me and there is no way some of these people know because I met them long after my H and I had reconciled.

 

So, I wonder if you have something about you, the nearly invisible mark of heartache, that gives this guy some type of 6th sense about you? I know this has happened to me...

 

 

Thanks for your response Snowflower! How you doin btw?

 

Okay I am going to be 100 percent honest here. He is a real nice guy. Someone that I am NOT attracted to..but someone who i find to be the brother type of guy. I do feel a bit sorry for him..and I find some truths to what he says...but a lot of one-sided things as well. I just try to put myself in his wifes shoes when he puts her down.

 

How much do I care? Hmmmm...as of lately...not much. Once again I would feel worse for the kids. I think he would persue someone else..doesnt matter. He does not have good boundaries in place whatsoever. He's definately going through mid-life. I just know it. He's never had this care-free attitute in all the years I've known him. Everyone sees somethings off with him. But who am I too tell him he's playing with fire? I don't know..I just don't want to be confrontational. All I can do is keep on defending the wife..and tell him to put himself in her shoes. And thats all I have really been doing. I don't know what else to do or say really.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Actually I just re-read your post Sunflower..and yes I think he does somehow sense I would be empathetic towards him. We both have a lot of the same qualities. Shy, work ethic, doing things with our kids, and we also live pretty darn close to one another too. I would hate to think that he would do this to his wife/family...but whats to stop a cheater from cheating?

All I know is I won't be the one to venture off on this journey with him! lol

I try to ignore the flirts and do avert those types of thoughts at all costs. Hopefully he gets it!

[Snowflower]

Thanks for your response Snowflower! How you doin btw?

 

Okay I am going to be 100 percent honest here. He is a real nice guy. Someone that I am NOT attracted to..but someone who i find to be the brother type of guy. I do feel a bit sorry for him..and I find some truths to what he says...but a lot of one-sided things as well. I just try to put myself in his wifes shoes when he puts her down.

 

How much do I care? Hmmmm...as of lately...not much. Once again I would feel worse for the kids. I think he would persue someone else..doesnt matter. He does not have good boundaries in place whatsoever. He's definately going through mid-life. I just know it. He's never had this care-free attitute in all the years I've known him. Everyone sees somethings off with him. But who am I too tell him he's playing with fire? I don't know..I just don't want to be confrontational. All I can do is keep on defending the wife..and tell him to put himself in her shoes. And thats all I have really been doing. I don't know what else to do or say really.

 

I'm doing well, thanks for asking!

 

Well, TBH, there might not be much you can do to help him from the sounds of it. It seems to me that when someone gets on a self-destructive bent (in this case-infidelity) there is little anyone can do to dissuade them.

 

To me, it sounds like the much-cliched MLC for your co-worker. I never believed in the MLC phenomenon but I think it is real now (after learning the hard way). In that case, he will go do what he is going to do. I feel badly for his kids if he does something.

 

It's probably like watching a trainwreck in slo-mo!

 

Actually I just re-read your post Sunflower..and yes I think he does somehow sense I would be empathetic towards him. We both have a lot of the same qualities. Shy, work ethic, doing things with our kids, and we also live pretty darn close to one another too. I would hate to think that he would do this to his wife/family...but whats to stop a cheater from cheating?

All I know is I won't be the one to venture off on this journey with him! lol

I try to ignore the flirts and do avert those types of thoughts at all costs. Hopefully he gets it!

 

From what you post, your boundaries are firmly established. So you're good!

 

Have you thought about talking to your husband about this? I can't remember, does your H know this guy? If I were in this situation, I think I would tell my H--it might open some good dialogue between you and your H about the mindset of a spouse who is gearing up to cheat since your H was there at one point and now your co-worker is. Plus, you model good behavior as a spouse warding off these types of advances since your H wasn't able to do that.

 

The more I think about it, the more I think you should talk to your H about it.

 

It might make your H re-evaluate why he chose to go down such a dark path and give a different angle to healing in your relationship together.

 

If this is a guy your husband considers a friend/acquaintance, maybe your H should have a guy talk with him--again, it might help you and your H with healing in your own relationship--by maybe stopping someone else from making the same mistakes.

 

Hope that makes sense?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I'm doing well, thanks for asking!

 

Well, TBH, there might not be much you can do to help him from the sounds of it. It seems to me that when someone gets on a self-destructive bent (in this case-infidelity) there is little anyone can do to dissuade them.

 

To me, it sounds like the much-cliched MLC for your co-worker. I never believed in the MLC phenomenon but I think it is real now (after learning the hard way). In that case, he will go do what he is going to do. I feel badly for his kids if he does something.

 

It's probably like watching a trainwreck in slo-mo!

 

 

 

From what you post, your boundaries are firmly established. So you're good!

 

Have you thought about talking to your husband about this? I can't remember, does your H know this guy? If I were in this situation, I think I would tell my H--it might open some good dialogue between you and your H about the mindset of a spouse who is gearing up to cheat since your H was there at one point and now your co-worker is. Plus, you model good behavior as a spouse warding off these types of advances since your H wasn't able to do that.

 

The more I think about it, the more I think you should talk to your H about it.

 

It might make your H re-evaluate why he chose to go down such a dark path and give a different angle to healing in your relationship together.

 

If this is a guy your husband considers a friend/acquaintance, maybe your H should have a guy talk with him--again, it might help you and your H with healing in your own relationship--by maybe stopping someone else from making the same mistakes.

 

Hope that makes sense?

 

 

It most definately is a train wreck waiting to happen. I know thats for sure.

Just sad they don't see it when they're in that FOG! Its crazy! It's almost like re-living my last year...and being the OW with a brain...LOL Why is it so clear to me..and not others? I would never make excuses to have an affair with a mm, especially when they are feeding me a whole load of crap!

 

I guess LS have put things into perspective for me. When we've had these chats all I can think of is LS! LOL Oh well..I might just tell my h and see what his take is..but at the same time...he's been a lil terriotorial lately! I got hit on by a cop last week and he saw the whole thing waiting for me in the car. Sheesh..is love in the air or what!?!

 

No my h doesnt know him on a personal level. Just whenever he's come by my home to pick up something or what not. Thats about it. I did mention something about him to my h around Xmas time though. Just something pretty fague...but sad. My h even said something to the effects that he would leave his wife if it were him! Like I said before...she's not perfect either...but still no excuse to cheat. Not happy...GET OUT!

[Spark1111]

It most definately is a train wreck waiting to happen. I know thats for sure.

Just sad they don't see it when they're in that FOG! Its crazy! It's almost like re-living my last year...and being the OW with a brain...LOL Why is it so clear to me..and not others? I would never make excuses to have an affair with a mm, especially when they are feeding me a whole load of crap!

 

I guess LS have put things into perspective for me. When we've had these chats all I can think of is LS! LOL Oh well..I might just tell my h and see what his take is..but at the same time...he's been a lil terriotorial lately! I got hit on by a cop last week and he saw the whole thing waiting for me in the car. Sheesh..is love in the air or what!?!

 

No my h doesnt know him on a personal level. Just whenever he's come by my home to pick up something or what not. Thats about it. I did mention something about him to my h around Xmas time though. Just something pretty fague...but sad. My h even said something to the effects that he would leave his wife if it were him! Like I said before...she's not perfect either...but still no excuse to cheat. Not happy...GET OUT!

 

PP, I kind of understand your plight as I went through something similiar at work. I must have put out (unknowingly) the vulnerable vibe during those times after DDAy when I was still on the fence regarding my H.

 

And I was on the fence for a pretty long time!

 

Male co-workers started getting a little too familiar; the conversation a little too intimate; the questions....a little too personal, as if they could sniff out a vulnerable woman, I swear!

 

I thought they had lost their minds. Or I had.

 

Here is what I noticed about HAPPILY married people who have strong boundaries.

 

They talk about their happy marriage: Where he is taking her for dinner, the fun they have, the surprise gift she is planning to buy him; the goals they want to attain.

 

They use the pronoun "we" constantly, or say Mr. Princess and I cannot wait to do, go, see a...b...and c! And smile while doing so!

 

They interject their spouses name into every other sentence, even at work, if the conversation turns too personal with a member of the opposite sex.

 

Trust me, it works everytime. It shouts to the world how happily partnered you are with your SO. How much you respect each other by mentioning your spouse with enthusiasm and joy.

 

As for b***tching about the wife, that is how it starts. How much do YOU think is absolutely true?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

PP, I kind of understand your plight as I went through something similiar at work. I must have put out (unknowingly) the vulnerable vibe during those times after DDAy when I was still on the fence regarding my H.

 

And I was on the fence for a pretty long time!

 

Male co-workers started getting a little too familiar; the conversation a little too intimate; the questions....a little too personal, as if they could sniff out a vulnerable woman, I swear!

 

I thought they had lost their minds. Or I had.

 

Here is what I noticed about HAPPILY married people who have strong boundaries.

 

They talk about their happy marriage: Where he is taking her for dinner, the fun they have, the surprise gift she is planning to buy him; the goals they want to attain.

 

They use the pronoun "we" constantly, or say Mr. Princess and I cannot wait to do, go, see a...b...and c! And smile while doing so!

 

They interject their spouses name into every other sentence, even at work, if the conversation turns too personal with a member of the opposite sex.

 

Trust me, it works everytime. It shouts to the world how happily partnered you are with your SO. How much you respect each other by mentioning your spouse with enthusiasm and joy.

 

As for b***tching about the wife, that is how it starts. How much do YOU think is absolutely true?

 

Thanks for this Spark. Wish I had read it a bit earlier when he said something flirtatious to me in front of the boss's wife! I am so disgusted...and embarrased. I brushed it off with a Ya Right!

 

I have already used that tactic...but will continue to do so as well. I have told him about our planned weekends and stuff like that..but he just turns it into a oh my wife wont do that..or she doesnt care about this. I KNOW this is all bullcrap...hence the reason I've lost a lot of respect for him.

 

He's never done this before..and the disregard for anyone..especially the boss's wife has me on the verge of really telling him off. This totally floored me today..she looked uncomfortable too. I know she wouldnt want to be put in the middle of it..he's my boss's wingman for his duties..i'm my boss's wingwoman for the office. He's just causing un-necessary friction at this point..and its really starting to piss me off.

 

I had a lot of respect for this guy at one time..but his lack of respect for me is getting to me. It's so degrading to be thought of that way. I seriously don't know how these women would WANT a mm...f'n twisted if you ask me!

[Spark1111]

Thanks for this Spark. Wish I had read it a bit earlier when he said something flirtatious to me in front of the boss's wife! I am so disgusted...and embarrased. I brushed it off with a Ya Right!

 

I have already used that tactic...but will continue to do so as well. I have told him about our planned weekends and stuff like that..but he just turns it into a oh my wife wont do that..or she doesnt care about this. I KNOW this is all bullcrap...hence the reason I've lost a lot of respect for him.

 

He's never done this before..and the disregard for anyone..especially the boss's wife has me on the verge of really telling him off. This totally floored me today..she looked uncomfortable too. I know she wouldnt want to be put in the middle of it..he's my boss's wingman for his duties..i'm my boss's wingwoman for the office. He's just causing un-necessary friction at this point..and its really starting to piss me off.

 

I had a lot of respect for this guy at one time..but his lack of respect for me is getting to me. It's so degrading to be thought of that way. I seriously don't know how these women would WANT a mm...f'n twisted if you ask me!

 

So then spit it out on the side.

 

Say look, I've known you a long time. This talk is totally inappropriate in the work place! You are making others uncomfortable, myself included! Fix it, try to fix it, or end it! But stop talking about your wife and your marriage in this workplace. It is hurting you and it is inappropriate!