PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I have been dealing with my own issues of infedility with my own spouse for quite awhile now. I have a co-worker who I've known for 12 or so years. We are great friends and all...but as of lately he seems to be coming to me with all his "marital" problems..as if I'm some sort of counselor. I have never told him about my h's unfaithfulness to me...as I think that may be more of a reason of him to think I'm vulnerable..in which i am NOT! I think his questions and all the whining pertaining to his wife are all coming out of the cheaters handbook and I'm having a hard time being nice to him...which I know he senses. I have told him straight up that they should probably go get some counselling sessions...and he just keeps with the I'm only staying because of the kids excuses...which makes me want to . I had a lot of respect for this guy and my husband knows him as well..but I have never told my h the depth of our conversations at this point. I just find myself thinking of him more and more of a sleazeball than anything...like he's trying to come onto me. I have avoided anything involving affair talk...because I would NEVER involve myself with someone while being in a relationship. But I can see where he's trying to go with this..and since we have a long work history together..I don't want to be uncomfortable working with him if I tell him off. What would you do in this scenario? Would you tell him straight up that you caught your husband cheating on you and thats the worst pain you can ever put someone through? Do I tell my H that he's talking to me about his marriage problems? Do I care what my h thinks? Probably not...lol Anyhow..how should I deal with this in the most professional yet curteous way? Any suggestions?
edgeofdarkness Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 you need to put him on a back foot. tell him nuthing but nuthing about u n your H. he will think your an open door... thats a real nono.... instead ask him why he hasnt gone to counselling, does he want to save his marraige, and that really, your not in any position to b able to help an all...sorry but this is his problem to discus with hs wife.... just act intereted but distant then chnage the subject. the minute you change it, it divers him from focussing on u....it also shows your losing any interest,
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 'I prefer to discuss only business during business hours. I hope things work out for you' Off the clock you can be as nice or as rude as you choose, as well as ignoring him completely.
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 you need to put him on a back foot. tell him nuthing but nuthing about u n your H. he will think your an open door... thats a real nono.... instead ask him why he hasnt gone to counselling, does he want to save his marraige, and that really, your not in any position to b able to help an all...sorry but this is his problem to discus with hs wife.... just act intereted but distant then chnage the subject. the minute you change it, it divers him from focussing on u....it also shows your losing any interest, Thanks for that. He's not a bad guy at all...just maybe going through a "mid-life" which I even jokingly said to him. I'm a very easy going person...which sometimes can be a bad thing. I tell him every relationship have issues that we all have to work on. Thats about it.
michelangelo Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Give him a postit note with the titles of three marriage repair books and tell him you think it would be better for him to seek professional help over talking to you about it. Then whenever he tries to, refer him to the postit note. If he says he lost it? Tell him it's his problem.
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 'I prefer to discuss only business during business hours. I hope things work out for you' Off the clock you can be as nice or as rude as you choose, as well as ignoring him completely. Thanks carhill. If I said that business quote..he's laugh..I'd probably laugh too..lol In either case..I don't want to be rude..like I've said he's not a bad guy..just maybe the whole mid-life scenario that I think my h went through too. I don't really want to go the being rude route though..wouldnt be cool so to speak. I'm just shocked I guess that he would go into detail about his life..and for all I know he's just making stuff up...just like I read on the OM/OW forum. I dunno..men are dawgs..thats all I can say!
aplomb Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I think he is trying to drag you into an infidelity conversation because "misery loves company." He must suspect something of your circumstance or he wouldn't try to engage you in such an intimate conversation while at work. It's too unprofessional. You are wise to avoid any such discussions with him. What is going on with him is none of his business and revealing such personal information could have negative consequences for you in the workplace.
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Give him a postit note with the titles of three marriage repair books and tell him you think it would be better for him to seek professional help over talking to you about it. Then whenever he tries to, refer him to the postit note. If he says he lost it? Tell him it's his problem. Hahaha thats very funny considering his wife works at a book store!
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I think his questions and all the whining pertaining to his wife are all coming out of the cheaters handbook and I'm having a hard time being nice to him You are a wise woman, and I'm sorry for the circumstances in your own M. Men who 'share' such things, and oddly it's always with the opposite sex, are priming the sympathy pump for a replacement or affair partner. A real man has real male friends he shares his marital problems with, or a counselor. When I had my EA, not with a co-worker, I forgot what a 'real man' was, at the cost of my dignity and my marriage. Hope this guy fares better. Set a firm boundary. Friends need boundaries too. Good luck
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 I think he is trying to drag you into an infidelity conversation because "misery loves company." He must suspect something of your circumstance or he wouldn't try to engage you in such an intimate conversation while at work. It's too unprofessional. You are wise to avoid any such discussions with him. What is going on with him is none of his business and revealing such personal information could have negative consequences for you in the workplace. The bolded part is definately not the case. He doesnt know anything about my relationship. I mean AT ALL! He knows the type of job my spouse has and what not..but thats the extent of it. 12 years is a long time to work with someone. I dont think he has to SUSPECT anything is wrong in my relationship for him to pursue me or find excuses to downplay his marriage.
Lucky_One Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 You are a wise woman, and I'm sorry for the circumstances in your own M. Men who 'share' such things, and oddly it's always with the opposite sex, are priming the sympathy pump for a replacement or affair partner. A real man has real male friends he shares his marital problems with, or a counselor. When I had my EA, not with a co-worker, I forgot what a 'real man' was, at the cost of my dignity and my marriage. Hope this guy fares better. Set a firm boundary. Friends need boundaries too. Good luck Yep. I see this as grooming for a revenge affair, too. He is seeing how much sympathy and attention he can get, and work his way into more emotional issues from there.
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Yep. I see this as grooming for a revenge affair, too. He is seeing how much sympathy and attention he can get, and work his way into more emotional issues from there. Revenge affair? Sorry I don't understand that. He doesnt know my relationship issues. Never has..never will!
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Question: Do you note, since this is a long-time co-worker, that his attention pattern in the workplace has changed, wrt other co-workers, especially female? IOW, is he testing waters in general, or do you appear to be targeted? TBH, this is how I got sucked into EA's with MW's, including the one which later became the EA which doomed my M. I was a 'therapist' with poor boundaries. Happy to read yours are healthier. My advice is to communicate them clearly, in whatever style is appropriate to your workplace and relationship. I tend to be more direct now, reflected in my prior quote, but there are a number of paths open to you wrt style. Regardless, IMO, being clear is the imperative. Accept his response and act in a healthy way for yourself.
UnsureinSeattle Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Simple- tell him that you don't think it's appropriate to discuss these matters. Pretty it up some, if you must, but he's obviously making you uncomfortable- in fact, say exactly that. "Sorry about your problems, but I don't think it's appropriate to discuss this, and it's making me a bit uncomfortable."
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 You are a wise woman, and I'm sorry for the circumstances in your own M. Men who 'share' such things, and oddly it's always with the opposite sex, are priming the sympathy pump for a replacement or affair partner. A real man has real male friends he shares his marital problems with, or a counselor. When I had my EA, not with a co-worker, I forgot what a 'real man' was, at the cost of my dignity and my marriage. Hope this guy fares better. Set a firm boundary. Friends need boundaries too. Good luck Thanks carhill. I agree with this 100 percent! And if I don't get suckered into his bullcrap..I can guarantee you some other fool will! There's always someone ready and willing! Just too bad that my respect level for him has gone out the window.
Goldenspoon Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Here is what you do. If he complains to you about his wife, YOU suggest to get his wife involved. Meaning, say something like "why don't I take you wife out to lunch and dicuss it with her." He wants an affair and the last thing he wants is getting his wife involved in the affair that he wants.
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Or use my infamous line 'Hey, why don't you and your wife join us this weekend for a BBQ?'
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Question: Do you note, since this is a long-time co-worker, that his attention pattern in the workplace has changed, wrt other co-workers, especially female? IOW, is he testing waters in general, or do you appear to be targeted? TBH, this is how I got sucked into EA's with MW's, including the one which later became the EA which doomed my M. I was a 'therapist' with poor boundaries. Happy to read yours are healthier. My advice is to communicate them clearly, in whatever style is appropriate to your workplace and relationship. I tend to be more direct now, reflected in my prior quote, but there are a number of paths open to you wrt style. Regardless, IMO, being clear is the imperative. Accept his response and act in a healthy way for yourself. To answer your question i would have to say its me being the target. I only think that he would feel the need to be so open is because we are great friends to begin with. Friends in a general nature...not a personal one. I kinda get what your saying with the "therapist" communication as well. Although he'll throw in a your husband is really lucky guy to have a hard working...blank blank blank girl like you! Which throws the whole "therapsit" scenario out the window for me. I know my boundaries..thats for sure. I would never tell him his wife is so lucky to have a guy like him. Thats quite disturbing to me!
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Well, since the general consensus appears to be that the dynamic is unhealthy, what's your plan of action? Any insight gained here? What could you do today or tomorrow to move this along?
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Well, since the general consensus appears to be that the dynamic is unhealthy, what's your plan of action? Any insight gained here? What could you do today or tomorrow to move this along? Wish I knew the answer to that. I'll just have to keep changing the subject...giving him the whole I don't wanna hear about it attitude! What else can I do?
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Use my BBQ line and laugh Then 'no, seriously. If you want me to be your marriage counselor, I need to meet your wife'
JaneyAmazed Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 One of the many lessons I learned from what I did is not to discuss marital problems with anyone but spouse and counselor....maybe a friend of the same sex. I hope that doesn't sound too old-fashioned but confiding in friends of the opposite sex about marital/relationship problems isn't smart. I think it does make one vunerable. At least that's my experience. I managed to go 10 years without having a close male friend (besides hubby). When I got one, oh boy did I mess things up! I'm not saying that's true for everyone. It's just something I can't ever do again.
Lucky_One Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 A revenge affair is when a BS (betrayed spouse) consciously or subconsciously looks for an affair of their own. They do it out of curiousity (what does it feel like to be in an EMA? is this what my wife felt like?), out of a sense of revenge (I can do just what my nasty wife did - that will show her), a sense of entitlement (what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, tit for tat, and all that stuff), out of a genuine sense of wanting to be held. You would be a logical "target" for one. You have been good friends with him, you seem to be safe and will not want him to be wanting a commitment from him (since he doesn't know about your marital issues), and you are at work with him (he spends more time with you than with his wife or any other woman). Carhill is right; if you can't use the line about keeping personal life out of business, then you need to bring his wife and your husband into your friendship. Make a dinner date for the four of you. It is much harder to try to seduce a woman when your wife knows her, and when you have drunk a beer with her husband.
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 A revenge affair is when a BS (betrayed spouse) consciously or subconsciously looks for an affair of their own. They do it out of curiousity (what does it feel like to be in an EMA? is this what my wife felt like?), out of a sense of revenge (I can do just what my nasty wife did - that will show her), a sense of entitlement (what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, tit for tat, and all that stuff), out of a genuine sense of wanting to be held. You would be a logical "target" for one. You have been good friends with him, you seem to be safe and will not want him to be wanting a commitment from him (since he doesn't know about your marital issues), and you are at work with him (he spends more time with you than with his wife or any other woman). Carhill is right; if you can't use the line about keeping personal life out of business, then you need to bring his wife and your husband into your friendship. Make a dinner date for the four of you. It is much harder to try to seduce a woman when your wife knows her, and when you have drunk a beer with her husband. OK I do know what a revenge affair is therefore it still doesnt make sense that your mentioning this in my thread! I am NOT looking to have a revenge affair..and neither is he...not that I'm aware of anyway! I'm sure he would've told me if his wife was sleeping around on him in either case though. Sorry I just don't understand what point your trying to get at with mentioning a revenge affair! Why would I be a logical target? He doesnt know my personal business? I'm not some sort of pushover who needs attention from a man to feel validated..let alone a married one at that! GROSS! I know that most would think i'm in this "vulernable" state...but I'm serious when I say I'm not! It's 10 times more clearer to me NOW than it ever was!
Author PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 One of the many lessons I learned from what I did is not to discuss marital problems with anyone but spouse and counselor....maybe a friend of the same sex. I hope that doesn't sound too old-fashioned but confiding in friends of the opposite sex about marital/relationship problems isn't smart. I think it does make one vunerable. At least that's my experience. I managed to go 10 years without having a close male friend (besides hubby). When I got one, oh boy did I mess things up! I'm not saying that's true for everyone. It's just something I can't ever do again. I appreciate your honesty..but I really am not like that! I am anti-affair...even more so after catching my h. Simple as that! If I'm not happy...I'll leave..thats it!
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