G.I.G.S? 4 years together.

[ALBI2]

Hi everyone.

 

Just here to help me with my pain I'm experiencing at the moment.

 

I met here when she was 17 and I was 19. Things have always in our relationship being pretty good. We argued but a healthy amount and have never broken up because of arguments.

 

I know from both sides now how it feels.

 

About a year ago I had strong feelings to know what it would be like to be with another women although I could see how beautiful my girlfriend was and how I loved her so much. I never wanted to hurt her and suggested we needed sometime apart. She begged me and tried to reason with me but I told her she's making it worse. I didn't think of her all the time because I was busy with friends, drinking and meeting girls. In less than a week and a half I knew that this was was not me any more and I was just trying to act young again. I asked my ex to meet me to speak. She was a mess and didn't attract me back like this. We went for a walk and we spoke and I agreed to start a fresh and slowly, with dates and stuff. We were back to the way we had been but with a new spark. It was great. I've sometimes doubted if she was the one, but I love her and realise that no one is perfect and she is pretty damn close.

 

Having been together since she was so young, I've always told her that I would understand if she ever needed to break with me to live a little. Her response as I bet you can guess was that i was the one and she wanted me forever blah, blah, blah.

 

Anyway, here's what happened. On new years we went to different venues. Me with my friends and she went with her's somewhere else. Having sensed recently that she was a bit insecure, I made sure I sent her happy new year text early (11.30) as i knew the lines get really at 12. In this message I tell her she's the best thing in my life and I couldn't ask for a more perfect girlfriend. 3am comes by and no response. Not like her at all. Usually she'd be calling and talking for 30 minutes. So I text again to say not to worry about wishing me happy NY. Next day she giving what seems like BS excuses. To cut it short I basically had to interrogate to find out she had kissed another guy and she broke down. I comforted her and explained that stuff like this can happen. We could either work through it or let it destroy us. I was very understanding and she seemed very grateful for a second chance. Over the next couple of days I was very clingy and she asked for an evening apart. This is where I though to myself that its over. She kept stringing me along for a week saying one more day apart etc. Then she told me she wanted too break up and see how she feels in a week saying she's confused and what if there is someone else out there she would never know. Still giving her a week a was still hopeful with NC. We met again and she confirmed that she wanted to be single.

 

I'm tried the begging and trying to tell her she's making a mistake and all the other stuff you shouldn't do. Anyway after I went home I found this place and text her to say I accept you decision and thanked her for a great 4 years together. She asked if we could talk soon and I said maybe in a couple of weeks. She showed up at work the following day with another silly excuse to see me. I said we both need the space to clear our heads.

 

I've been trying no contact for nearly 2 weeks. She has text me a couple of times regarding dropping things off and hoping I'm well. I've just been polite and said thank you, then she would reply and say 'speak soon'.

 

I want her. I know I've broken her heart in the past and I expect no sympathy as I'm on the receiving end now. The problem being I doubt she'll come back. I have no doubt she will realise the grass isn't greener but I know it'll be to late and to far down the line.

 

Should I meet her after 3 weeks if she wants to talk? I'm doing well with NC, she's aware I'm going out with my friends and enjoying myself. I'm doing everything I can think of to make her want me back but just feel so helpless. Everything reminds me of her, but I'm trying to do new things but it's hard. I know I'll be fine on my own but I don't want to have think 10 years down the line, I wish I was with my first love.

 

She is a wonderful girl and don't agree with people saying she's not worth it if she does this to me. I've done things and hurt people in the past but everyone makes mistakes.

 

Any advice would be really great.

[willpower]

Your situation is not a million miles from mine. Was only with my girl for 18 months, used to tell her I couldn't be sure that she was the one (there was very little about her I didn't repect massively) and we eventually went on a break. She cried when we went on a break and I wasn't all that bothered. Still saw each other and she wanted to get back together. I went out lots and saw other people and was thinking how good she was, then after nearly 3 months on a break (we got intimate after 2 months, almost got back together but I couldnt tell her I loved her when she asked it of me) she told me she was dating another guy. At every point in our relationship she adored me, she was always far more willing to commit to me than I was to her and half of the pain was looking her in the eye and seeing I didn't mean what I once did to her. All through our relationship I had told her if she felt the urge to see someone else she should try them as that was the only way she'd know I was right for her (this actually brought her closer to me which is was a little wierd).

 

Advice from here?

I'd say you have a pretty good chance of another guy being in the frame, who knows how serious it is but if she's cool with seeing you and doesn't txt/email contact after meeting up then it would suggest she's not fighting with her emotions.

 

I'm going to tell you that I've not got first hand experience of winning girls back but IMHO its all down to your attractiveness to them. You need to work on yourself, chances are in such a long relationship you may have let things slip, update your clothes, get into shape, put some time and effort into the things you love doing in life and get better at them and also look at your flaws as a person and start making an effort to improve.

 

Ideally you want a chance to demonstrate these things to her, you want to show her you can carry on living in happiness and having an awesome time but not in a rub it in your face kind of way. Things like if you see her and your dressed and groomed well she'll notice this, if you are in the position to talk to her and you have cool stuff happening in your life then you can share this with her. Ultimately she needs to think in her eyes your a better prospect than any other person out there. She was with you for a long time, she clearly is compatible with you on some level. Dont be needy, don't send her i love you's etc.

 

At some point if you can communicate clearly with her without it being wierd you could talk to her and try to get to the bottom of what went wrong. For me its an important thing either way to figure out why the other person decided to leave.

 

I dont think you can ever get a person back, they need to come back to you. This means that there needs to be something awesome to come back to so focus on you.

 

On the subject of "is she worth it?" thats up to you. All those people who say "if she does this she doesn't desirve you" are talking BS. I've been messed up and confused with my emotions when in a relationship, done stupid things and hurt the other person. Does it mean I'm not wworth it? Hell no, it means I was emotionally immature, didn't know what to do and did not see the extent to which the other person was hurting. I'd take everything I could back that hurt my ex if I could re run things, but thats with the emotional strength and understanding I have now. At the time I did what I did because that was the person I was. Her worth should not be assesed on her ability to feel her emotions and act (possibly irrationally) on them. Thats just being human. Only you know if she's worth it.

Edited January 26, 2011 by willpower

[ALBI2]

Thanks for your reply, It does sound very similar.

 

It was someone from work she got with and I fully expect to see them together at some point, which I have started to accept.

 

I'm taking all the steps to feel better about myself after going out with friends and speaking to women (my confidence in the way I look has never been higher), going to the gym and eating correctly. I more caring to my family and friends.

 

I can and would commit fully to her with the chance now as this has made me realise how complacent I was getting. She was too good so I thought she'd always be there. I guess this is quite common in long term relationships.

 

This is stupid, how can I feel sooo bad over a girl that doesn't want me!!!

 

I should be thinking I can do better and will do.

[ALBI2]

Update!

 

Feeling a lot better today. My friend had let slip to her friend that I had a date and that I was dealing with things pretty well. She's started acting really weird and calling at 4am and saying all sorts of rubbish and getting upset. Sending messages and stuff. I explained I want no contact and she said i thought we were going to be friends etc. She started getting angry!

 

She's not said she wants me back but I don't think I want her back to be honest anymore as the friends thing is the sign of a completely selfish person.

 

She's made her bed.