befreckled Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 In my thoughts about taking a step back from being the initiator, I wonder about the question in reference to gifts? Everyone loves to get a gift, no matter how small. Does the lack of it, mean anything? In the short time that I've been with the bf, I have not received a gift at all. I had sent a surprise birthday cake to him on his birthday and I gave him a book at Christmas. When I visited his parents, I brought small token gifts as well. And well, I have gotten nothing. Admittedly, I don't think it's because he is stingy- he was more than ok with a more expensive motel because, I couldn't deal with roughing it during our vacation. He always paid for drinks when we were out. He paid for the movie tickets during our movie date. When we made dinner together, he realised that I hated a particular vegetable and deliberately left it out when dishing out my share. Personally, I think he is insanely BAD at things like gifts and he is so used to being a poor PHD student, he doesn't know how to operate in the "Oh I am working and therefore can afford a gift or two" Does not getting gifts make you feel less than?
lonely79 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) its funny, ive been stewing over this as well. Our relationship is still fairly new and in the beginning stages, everything feels like its just getting started and not as solid as, say, a year long relationship would feel. BUT we have known each other a long time (worked together for 3 years before he moved)... anyway, i sent him a gift for christmas, I gave him a book as a going-away gift (this was before we decided we were doing the whole LDR thing), and i sent him a "just because" card/letter in the mail that playfully invited a response, but got nothing in return other than a "I loved the card you sent thank you so much it totally made me smile" type thing. He did mention in passing that he would write me letters, he said he was gonna make me a tee shirt (asked me twice what my size was) (he makes tee shirts as a side thing), but so far, nothing. he does pay for drinks, dinners, lunches, and is coming to visit me...so i know he's not stingy either.. i cant decide if he's just clueless (im pretty sure he is) and not thoughtful in that way, if he's trying to send me a message, or if he just doesn't care all that much. I cant decide! It does make me feel insecure though, and i guess on that point it is a bad thing. But its not like I can bring it up, you know? Ill be interested to see what other people think on this topic. Edited January 26, 2011 by lonely79
folieadeux Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Gift giving in LDRs is tricky to say the very least. You tend to give small "just because" gifts in lieu of being together. But on the flip side, LDRs are expensive and gifting can also be limited without having it signify anything bigger than a lack of funds. I don't know if any of that made any sense. My SO and I exchange small gifts here and there apart from proper holidays, but I much rather us both save the money for our future. Not doing this isn't really a big deal; some people just don't have this mindset. I also am not sure what your arrangement was with your boyfriends around the holidays in regards to gifts. The one troublesome thing that I would worry about is if one person in the relationship is putting forth more effort than the other...but in both of your situations, this doesn't seem to be the case. It sounds like your boyfriends just express themselves differently than you do. You send little gifts while they pay for things you do when you visit.
aerogurl87 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I can deal with not getting gifts, none of my exes ever really gave me anything anyway. Now my boyfriend gifts me all the time and I'll admit it's been an adjustment, lol. But some people just aren't the type to gift people. For some people they're more focused on providing for their partners needs or doing things for them instead of gifting them. Is that how your boyfriend is?
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 one thing i have learned in the past: don't let your expectations frustrate you. if you give a gift, give it because you want to give...not because you are expecting something back. not all people think the same and our SOs cannot read our minds. i agree with folieadeux, LDRs are expensive especially if you are a plane ride away. my SO only give me small gifts and i don't mind because he traveled twice just to see me. plus he really gave me a big surprise that i wasn't expecting at all. that's the fun part of not expecting anything -- little gestures mean a lot.
Author befreckled Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 one thing i have learned in the past: don't let your expectations frustrate you. if you give a gift, give it because you want to give.../QUOTE] I would be lying if I said that it doesn't frustrate me. We all desire reciprocation on some level. I love giving gifts because, it is part of my personality. I love that he was surprised on his birthday. It is a constant fear that drives this. I worry that I like him more than he likes me which is a genuine fear in any relationship. I wish he never mentioned it about a girlfriend liking him more than he liked her because now it's all I think about. BAH! For some people they're more focused on providing for their partners needs or doing things for them instead of gifting them. Is that how your boyfriend is? I never thought of it that way.When we are together, he is extremely aware of my needs. I injured myself during our trip and he refused to let me do anything. I guess I have to give up on the idea that he will ever get me anything!
Author befreckled Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 i cant decide if he's just clueless (im pretty sure he is) and not thoughtful in that way, if he's trying to send me a message, or if he just doesn't care all that much. I cant decide! It does make me feel insecure though, and i guess on that point it is a bad thing. But its not like I can bring it up, you know? Ill be interested to see what other people think on this topic. You know, I think I've put it down to "my bf is just clueless and it isn't natural for him to gift anything" I sort of move between accepting it and wondering if it'll change. It would suck not to get a gift on my birthday. Does he get your gifts for special occasions? There might be hope for me.
Taucher Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I shouldn't read too much into a lack of gifts. I adore, worship and love my SO but giving gifts just doesn't occur to me - no excuse I know but true all the same. On Tuesday I had a HUGE box delivered to my house by a UPS man and it was from my SO...in Colombia! It was full of Organic Colombian Coffee, Colombian Chocolate, sweets and little gifts. Cost her a fortune and she paid to have it shipped quickly so it only took 6 days to get to London. Honestly, it was incredible. It was honestly the most amazing gift I have ever had because it was unexpected and thoughtful and from her. But despite knowing how amazing it was to receive, I havent sent anything back. I put it down to being more of a spontaneous type person. When my SO was in London I woulod always surprise her (to a restaurant, weekend away, cooking something lovely) but buying and sending gifts takes planning and forethought, which is definitely more my SO and not so much me, although I am DETERMINED to send her something lovely. So, dont read too much into this. T
lonely79 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I put it down to being more of a spontaneous type person. When my SO was in London I woulod always surprise her (to a restaurant, weekend away, cooking something lovely) but buying and sending gifts takes planning and forethought, which is definitely more my SO and not so much me, although I am DETERMINED to send her something lovely. So, dont read too much into this. T this is a good point, and actually makes me feel better. I have learned that my SO is NOT a planner at ALLLLLLLLL. like, not even a little. and so i guess it makes sense that he wouldnt be into planning to get me something/send it etc. and its def not about getting someTHING, its more just that I know he cares enough to think about me and that he wants to do something that'll make me smile. i think my situation is a bit different though, just cuz we're still only really dating...although we have agreed not to see others....we're still in the beginning stages and I dont want to put too many expectations on him. I am new to the dating scene (having been recently divorced), so its hard to remember what to expect while dating vs being married. sorry i dont remember your SN but to the OP - i think you asked me if he's gotten me gifts for special occasions and the answer i guess is no. BUT the only special occasion has been Christmas and it was right at the beginning and I told him to NOT send me anything. soo i guess we'll see. and i totally feel you on the worrying if I am more interested than he is, cuz i feel the same way. But thats just my own insecurities and I need to make sure I curb that as much as possible cuz you can really invent a lot in your head that isnt really there! Well, at least I can!! haha
creighton0123 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Gift giving in LDRs is tricky to say the very least. You tend to give small "just because" gifts in lieu of being together. But on the flip side, LDRs are expensive and gifting can also be limited without having it signify anything bigger than a lack of funds. I don't know if any of that made any sense. I agree with this. Boyfriend and I exchanged small gifts over Christmas. However, because of the distance between us (Boston to Tokyo), it is impractical to send gifts via the mail. Instead, we'd much prefer to save money so I can take a trip out there. Some people just don't like to go out, buy and give gifts. Can it be a sign of love/affection? Yes, but you shouldn't place any basis on something so small in the long run.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 OP, You say: In the short time I've been with my bf. How long have you been with him. Christmas just happened - he didn't give you anything for Christmas??
Author befreckled Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 OP, You say: In the short time I've been with my bf. How long have you been with him. Christmas just happened - he didn't give you anything for Christmas?? We weren't together at Christmas. We took a vacation at New Year's and decided to give it a chance. I got him something as a belated Christmas pressiebut I wasn't expecting anything in return.
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