Could this be GIGS?

[MissyLove]

Hi everyone. I just found this site this week and it's been great to read everyone's stories and get a better insight into why my ex may have ended the relationship so suddenly.

 

My ex and I were dating close to 3 years, we were planning to buy a house and get engaged. We had gone to look at engagement rings together and he had gone on his own (2 months before break up). Even a month before the break up, he was rushing me to fill out home loan forms to see how much I could borrow so we could move forward with buying a house together.

 

One week before the break up, he sent me an email saying "I'm not sure if marriage is for me". I thought it was a joke and maybe he was trying to play with my mind because he wanted to surprise me with a proposal (I was wrong!) so I joked back with him but in a serious way saying that maybe we should just end the relationship then because I do want to get married and have a family. In my head, I knew it was a joke but I have come to believe that maybe that conversation affected the way he was thinking? I believe this was him trying to tell me he was not ready to get engaged.

About a week later, we had a fight over something he did. His behaviour had changed, we fought, he refused to fix it, we didnt talk for 2 days. We kept arguing because I was angry he didn't bother trying to sort our issues out.

 

The following week he started saying stuff to me like how 6 months ago, we were just normal bf and gf but now everything has gotten so serious. I reminded him that HE was the one who asked me to buy a house. He then said he felt SO pressured to propose and that EVERYONE was asking him when he was going to do it. I said to him, forget about them, who cares what they say .... we agreed you would at least propose before we moved in and that should be it.

 

Then a day later he told me he was not in love with me anymore, that he did not want to admit that he did not want to be with me but then agreed to a break to think and he was very happy with that because he thought we'd break up. But he said he could see himself marrying me in the future. I asked him if I should move on with my life, he replied with "that is not the ideal situation".

 

He said the reason he fell out of love with me was because we didn’t kiss anymore. Is that a lame reason or what?

In the end, I could not give him the break, I was hurt and contacted him. It ended with us breaking up. He said to me that was it, he accepted the break up and thats what he wanted.

 

He told me a week after that he doesnt want to be in a relationship, he just wants to be alone and not make an effort for anyone. He said this was NOT about other girls (who knows!) but he has never really been single his whole life (he has had 3 long term relationships including me) so he needs to do this. He told me that he told his friend he can definitely see himself marrying me but this is how he feels now and his friend told him that he really needs to sort these feelings out before being with me even though there was a chance that he would risk losing me.

 

He said if he was single then there may be a chance that he would be with other girls. He said he could see himself marrying me, that this is a timing issue and it was NOT that he did not want to be with me BUT that he just didnt want to be with me right now.

 

He told me he has had doubts for a while now but he never told me because he was trying to deal with them himself. He said there were so many thoughts going through his head that he could not choose the "right" words to say how he felt. I think he said he was not ready to get engaged but he went ahead to look at the engagement rings because he wanted to make me happy.

 

I wrote him a goodbye later saying that I loved him and believed we were meant to be but if this is what he wants, then I will leave him to it but I need to forget him and move on with my life. Of course I did not stick to this.

 

After that, I had convinced him at one stage to see me, he agreed (after a lot of begging) to spend one day with me to see if any feelings would come back. I had been very nice for one week and a couple of days before we were meant to meet, I spoke to him and I told him “I have realised I need to make some changes on my own and I know THIS time, we will work out”, he immediately said to me “But I have made up my mind, I WANT TO BE ALONE!”. To me, it just felt like he knew deep down inside, there was a chance it could work out if we tried and he just wanted to be single and alone, not in a relationship with me right now. In the end I said, “ok thats fine, I give up, let’s not meet up”

 

So 4 weeks passed of us not seeing each other but me contacting him every 2-3 days to sort out stuff and I did ask him many times for another chance. I did go to his house once and confronted him, I said I wanted answers, no more “I don’t knows”. He asked me “what do u want me to say?” I told him “you shouldn’t have been selfish, whether u thought there was another chance or not for us in the future, you should have just told me you didn’t love me anymore and you did not see me as the one so I would not hold onto hope!"

 

Four weeks passed, I sent him a long message pointing out all the things he did wrong to me and he was being very understanding, replying back to me, asking me if everything was ok BESIDES that semi-abusive msg I sent. I said yes, I said I love when he is nice to me BUT I only want him as a partner. He said “maybe in time we can be friends”. I said no, we will never be friends. Then this turned into me asking him numerously to give us another chance, he got annoyed (as expected) and we got into a big fight.

He told me “There is no point meeting up, I do not want to be with you. Why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? You are not the one, I am not in love with you anymore, I only see you as a friend, in the past 2 weeks I haven’t been with you, I haven’t missed you and I know my feelings will never come back!”

 

We then got into a big fight and I sent him an message saying how resentment is an understatement of how I feel towards him, how the past 3 years were a lie and this was the last time he would ever hear from me!

That was two months ago and I have been on NC with him.

I know I did all the wrong things and I am not proud of it but it was all out of emotions and yes I wish now I had handled it very differently but I can’t change the past unfortunately.

 

Our rship history: He has broken up with my twice before, the first time at 6 months, we were fighting alot and he was stressed with his business. Then the second time was about 14 months into the relationship, he stopped making an effort and said he didnt feel motivated to do things. When I took him back that time, he promised me he'd give it 100% and that this was it!

 

Everything had been going fine before the break up. The relationship may have gotten a bit stale, we were in a routine but I believe that was both our faults. But everytime I had any doubts or felt anything, I would always communiate it with him and try to sort it out. I just think if you really love someone, you would communicate your true feelings with them and sort the relationship out.

 

I was just curious as to what everyone's thoughts are? Do you think he has GIGS?

 

After reading Homebrew's GIGS article, it sounded exactly like him but then I think to myself, what if he REALLY just was not in love with me anymore, was over me and it is over for good?

 

Do you think he'll come back? I guess I just don't know what to believe as so many things were said. But we have had no contact for 2 months now and I have no plans on contacting him.

 

Thanks for reading everyone, I appreciate it

[D78]

MissyLove,

 

I am in the process of dealing with my own break up, so take my advice in that context.

 

My boyfriend and I were together 11 years. We didn't have the marriage plans, and lived together already. He said many of the same things your boyfriend said to you when breaking up. He wanted to break up with me for some time (no idea how long, because like you, I expect people to communicate at the very least and he did not), but he had not done so because he thought it was a phase that would pass.

 

I didn't beg for another chance, but I did beg for an explanation. He left, and we had minimal contact after that to work out bills and superficial things, with a few deep conversations mixed in that cleared up much of my confusion.

 

One thing I have realized - if his actions do not conform to his words, there's no point in putting forth so much effort to keeping the relationship alive. If you point out that his actions are contrary to his words, he will be offended. If you say nothing, you will feel like a fool.

 

Another thing I have realized - you have to let him go. Your ex needs to be away from you right now. It doesn't matter why. There are 1,000 possible reasons why he does not want to be with you, and you probably won't know the true reason why.

 

You have to let him go. Why? Because he wants you to. He told you so. If you really love him, stop all this showing up on his doorstep crap and respect his wishes. The only thing he has said to you is that he does not want to be with you right now. You have to respect this.

 

You can't assume you know what is good for him. You don't. He has expressed to you what he thinks is good for him right now. If it's a mistake, it's his mistake and no matter how hard you try to get him to realize it's a mistake it will not work.

 

Actually, every time you try to get him back you are pushing him away. Why? Because he has made it clear to you that he only wants one thing, and this is the one thing you refuse to give him. If you really love him, why won't you give him what he wants?

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I don't mean to be harsh, and I know you are in a lot of pain right now and don't need to hear anything that's going to make your pain worse. But I promise you, acting like you are acting will make this whole situation more painful for both you and your ex.

 

Breaking up with you was hard for your ex, even if he acts like it wasn't. Don't prove him right and make him hate you by behaving like a psycho stalker. I'm sorry, but that's what you're about to become if you don't leave him alone. All he has asked is that you leave him alone.

 

Maybe he needs time to sort out his feelings. Maybe he needs time to deal with some personal issues. Maybe he needs time away from you to make sure you are the one he wants to marry. Maybe he needs time away from you because he is sure you are not the girl for him.

 

You will never know which of these options is true unless you give him what he requested. And, his question is valid - why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Can you honestly come up with a good answer to that question?

 

Good luck and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

[z00m25]

yeah tough one there, agree with the above poster, have to let him go at least for now. i too am also going through a breakup and i remember feeling pressured to do things would make me rethink the entire relationship. try to stay strong and stay NC for a while. make him come back to you if thats what he realizes he really wants.

[Rose T]

Then a day later he told me he was not in love with me anymore, that he did not want to admit that he did not want to be with me but then agreed to a break to think and he was very happy with that because he thought we'd break up. But he said he could see himself marrying me in the future. I asked him if I should move on with my life, he replied with "that is not the ideal situation".

 

He said the reason he fell out of love with me was because we didn’t kiss anymore. Is that a lame reason or what?

 

He told me a week after that he doesnt want to be in a relationship, he just wants to be alone and not make an effort for anyone. He said this was NOT about other girls (who knows!) but he has never really been single his whole life (he has had 3 long term relationships including me) so he needs to do this. He told me that he told his friend he can definitely see himself marrying me but this is how he feels now and his friend told him that he really needs to sort these feelings out before being with me even though there was a chance that he would risk losing me.

 

He said if he was single then there may be a chance that he would be with other girls. He said he could see himself marrying me, that this is a timing issue and it was NOT that he did not want to be with me BUT that he just didnt want to be with me right now.

 

He told me he has had doubts for a while now but he never told me because he was trying to deal with them himself. He said there were so many thoughts going through his head that he could not choose the "right" words to say how he felt.

 

 

I really don't want to judge everyone else's boyfriends by the yardstick of my crappy ex but there were a few things that jumped out at me here. I've just gone through a similar break-up after 4.5 years, we were on a home run to get married when my boyfriend freaked out and said he had major doubts and needed a break. However true those doubts were, he ended up sabotaging the relationship by having an affair and I heard all those lines above. All of a sudden he was not in love with me (infatuated with her); blamed me for lack of kissing (he was kissing her). Mine too was never single, if you know he has this habit, he may not have the guts to go unless he's lined someone else up or has someone to help him through the break-up. My ex also said that a break meant he was single and could date other people (validation for the other girl) and repeatedly said how confused he was and that he wanted me to wait to see if we could reconcile in the future (back-up plan in case affair didn't work out). I don't know if that's any help at all but I wanted to put it out there as you may not have thought to look for another woman, but it might help you to get closure. I'm sorry either way, it really sucks.

[heartshaped]

He told me “There is no point meeting up, I do not want to be with you. Why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? You are not the one, I am not in love with you anymore, I only see you as a friend, in the past 2 weeks I haven’t been with you, I haven’t missed you and I know my feelings will never come back!”

 

I'm sorry, but I really don't think he's coming back. I think the above speaks for it all. Truthfully, it sounds like he wasn't ready for a commitment combined with the fact that his feelings for you had changed. I know it's very hard to accept that especially when you were with someone for so long and were in such a serious relationship, but it is better really that he broke this off rather than marry you with these feelings. I think you are doing the right thing by being NC so you can start to heal.

[timchambo]

He told me “There is no point meeting up, I do not want to be with you. Why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? You are not the one, I am not in love with you anymore, I only see you as a friend, in the past 2 weeks I haven’t been with you, I haven’t missed you and I know my feelings will never come back!”

 

It sure is easy for someone to say that to someone who is begging for a second chance. Or when they are mad. Who knows how he will feel in time. If you were good to him and had a good relationship I think he would wise up in time. I am going through exactly the same thing. In my case there is another guy in the picture. People that see my ex when shes not putting on the front say she looks very sad and still looks through our pictures.

 

You should move on though. No more contacting him, it isn't going to help at all. You have to have yourself in mind now. Get your feelings in check, focus on your life. That really is all you can control.

[MissyLove]

D78 – Thank you for your reply and advice, you were not being harsh at all!! We have had no contact for 2 months so I have definitely left the chasing and pleading behind. As I said, I have no intention to contact him and have let him go. All my chasing and asking him for another chance was being I was so emotional and the break up was so sudden. I don’t think many people rational think when this happens but now I know, if that is what he truly wants, then I need to give it to him and yes, if he could just end things like that (for the third time), why do I even want to be with someone like that?

 

z00m25 – Thank you for the kind words, definitely great advice. Like D78 said, it’s true, I do only want him to come back on his own accord and that he truly know 100% he wants to be with me. My ex was right though, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Like you, my ex said he was feeling so much pressure, from everyone asking him when he was going to propose and from something I had said a while ago, that I wanted to be engaged by our 3 years. He said all of that was on his mind and i could see he was very stressed by it. I said, not to worry, I just want to be engaged by the time we move in (I don’t think there is anything wrong with that!) but by then, he said he wanted out of the relationship. Hope you’re feeling ok!

 

Rose T – Thanks for your reply and I am very sorry you went through what you went through. I just wished these people could just be honest and upfront, it would have made things less complicated, I believe. Like I said in my story, on one hand my ex fits perfectly into GIGS but on the other hand I think, what if he really did just fall out of love with me OR what if he did meet someone and that why he wanted to leave? Honestly, I don’t think i’ll ever really know but I wouldn’t be surprised if he had met someone just before the break up.

 

heartshaped – Thank you, I think that is something I am slowly accepting now, 2 months of NC. So many articles say that “you need to accept the break up and that it’s over” but I think it’s just so hard to do. It definitely does hurt because as far as I was concerned, the relationship was going well and he was planning a future with me within the last month before he ended it! That still does not make sense to me! Either way, you are right, NC is my only choice and to move on.

 

 

At the beginning I didn’t believe the break was the best thing but I know now it is, you’re right, if he had not ended it then, he probably would have ended it in the future when we had purchased a house, got engaged, married or even had kids and that would have been far worse.

 

 

timchambo – Thanks Tim, you’re right ... when someone is chasing you, begging, pleading, its easy to feel the power and to not want what you CAN have.

I believe I was good to him. When he became depressed, I was there for him. When he got sick, I looked after him. When he was down financially, I happily paid for most of the things. You know when someone breaks up with you, you start blaming yourself and think *what did I do wrong?*, I said to him maybe I took him for granted and he said to me “You did not take me for granted, I was the one who took you for granted”. So I guess at least he knows I was good to him and he realises in some way that he didn’t appreciate it and it ending something with someone who was good to him.

 

 

I’m sorry you are also going through a break up. It is so hard to tell what a person is really feeling. Like you said to me, if you were good to your ex, then I am sure she is still thinking of you, probs missing you at times and will probably in some way compare her future guys to you.

 

 

The truth is, as long as we were good to these people, then we shouldn’t have to worry because we are not the ones who are losing out and if they didn’t appreciate what we gave them, there is definitely someone out there who will

 

Doing my best to move on, 2 months NC and counting. Slowly I feel that my heart is accepting and now letting go, it’s definitely been hard and I think my friends are sick of me constantly talking about him and the break up haha but I think I just need to make a decision to put the whole thing 100% behind me.