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This is my epic sad story (with added epicness!)


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Posted

This is a long one, so sit back and enjoy the train wreck! Decided to post this story as I have been using this site a lot recently and found it helpful. So here goes:

 

Background

My wife and I have not made things easy from day one. I was going through a divorce at the time and had "back and forth" events with my ex for a year before I knocked it on the head. This included sleeping with my ex, so I always thought it ironic that I cheated on my girlfriend with my (ex)wife.

She had a history of drug abuse and a string of men, some of which were violent. She was in a relationship when I met her and as I say, her past was littered with alcohol and one night stands.

Summary = Two broken people come together to cause each other much heartache. She was a rebound and we both never expected it to last much more than a couple of months (how wrong we were).

 

The first couple of years

Were are trucking disaster. It was a lesson in how not to be in a long term relationship. Cheating, lying, fighting, snooping, distrust, breakups and reconciliations without really fixing anything. Quite how we stayed together I will never know and we probably would have not, until the day she found out she was pregnant.

At first, I had doubts the baby was mine. I have my reasons, some real some probably imagined so the first couple of months of her pregnancy there was a cloud over us. Then something changed, we move into a new house, made some positive changes. She got her first proper job that she had managed to keep for more than 2 minutes and we both made an effort to make each other happy. For the most part I was.

Our son was born into the world in 2008 and despite some circumstances that made life difficult (house reno's, ill health), life was good. So in March 2009, I proposed in a very romantic way if I do say so myself. She was overjoyed and accepted.

 

The Affair

We planned to marry late 2009 after our son's first birthday and we'd had enough time to plan and save. My job keeps me quite busy during the summer months and she was at home on mat leave, planning to go back in the summer and I felt things were good.

I knew there was something wrong right away. The reason I divorced my first wife because of an affair, two of them. I forgave the first but couldn't forgive the second.

She met him at a concert she had gone to. For the sake of this story we shall call him "dirt bag loser" or DBL for short. I caught it right away and because everything including her cell phone was in my name I checked the records and discovered she had been texting DBL all day, everyday. I confronted her and she admitted to it, including meeting him after work some days and promised it was over. I didn't believe her and as I had to work nights I was distinctly uncomfortable. I install a keylogger on her laptop and my fears were confirmed a week later when I saw an email written between them. Again I confronted her and she told me that she didn't love me. I was torn apart and devastated. She quickly took it back and said she did and that she thought I didn't care and that I was emotionally unavailable and that DBL had given her emotional closeness that our relationship was lacking (well she said a lot more than that but that gives you the idea). She swore that nothing physical had happened between her and DBL and to this day I am not quite sure.

 

The next few months were **** but I decided to try and forgive but ever now and again I would have moments where I felt I needed to snoop and wondered if he was still around.

 

Marriage

The six months before our wedding day were fantastic. She was back at work and doing well. Our son had recovered well from a quite serious illness and our day fast approached. We were married on August 8th 2010 in one of the most wonderful days of my life. I truly felt that day we were putting our bad history behind us and I felt full of hope and eagerness to live the rest of my life with her.

 

Honesty

Probably to her own regret, on a drunken evening a few weeks after the wedding she told me two things that caused me dismay. The first was that she had bumped into a guy she had "only kissed' (she swears) during a brief time we had been apart right before we found out she was pregnant and he asked if our son was his. The second revelation was the DBL had appeared 3 weeks before our wedding and proposed to her. Both things set me off as it caused me to again doubt whether my son was mine (for the record he looks nothing like me) and because why would a guy she tells me she had barely any contact with for months and months suddenly propose and ask her to run away with her? It was a mystery to me, and I can honestly say that a part of me shut down as I considered the implications of it all. I decided then that I needed to get a DNA test for my own sanity. Whatever the results, he was my son and always would be, but I just needed to know.

 

Distance & lack of affection

For the next several weeks I admit I was distant. I do what men do real well, and that is retreat into our minds when something is bothering us. The results came back by late Oct and it confirmed I was the father. The sense of relief was incredible.

My wife had now started a new job, in a building that was a metropolis compared with her previous place. We had some good days but she obviously instinctively knew something was wrong and was not happy that I was not making her feel loved. By this time also we'd had a role reversal with the raising our son. Even though I was busy in the summer months working shifts, I get lots of time off so I would say since early 2010 I had been the main parent and I was the one who got him ready. I organized day care, took him to holiday events while my wife worked and I did all the things that you need to do with kids. It has been quite the work out!

 

It means nothing

My wife is very attractive. Very. Easily a 9. She is also very charismatic. She has a flair for generosity and an ability to succeed in anything she wanted to do I believe. She knows she is good looking and she uses it to her full ability, especially in the position of a sales manager. That said, she can be very mean, angry, judgmental and definitely has a strong narcissistic streak in her. I still love her though.

So when she started this new job in September 2010, things went crazy. New schedules, busy times for the both of us. By the end of October though I started getting worried about one guy who kept coming up in conversation a lot. I'd bought her a new phone as a "congrats" on your new job kinda thing and she was permanently attached to it. As I started to get more worried I started watching for warning signs until one day I snooped at her phone. It contained lots and lots of text messages, a lot of it was friendly banter, but some of it, I felt crossed the line (commenting on his attractiveness and complaining about me).

I confronted her and she denied anything was going on but agreed it had crossed a line and she was sorry. She very convincingly told me that she was not attracted to him and I had nothing to worry about.

 

Still I was on my guard.

 

El Presidento!

A few weeks after she got her new job the company got a new President who then decided to do a tour of all locations throughout the country, including our town. As a part of that, both my wife and I went for drinks with him one night, which ended up with me coming home early so I could relieve the babysitter and my wife rolling in at 2am looking a little worse for wear.

He is/seems/maybe a decent guy and obviously saw potential in my wife and gave her all kinds of good advice about her career and said that he would mentor her. They hit it off. A few weeks later she announced he had invited her out of town to meet with him and discuss her future. Except......except......no one could know. The story to her staff was that she was going for a medical appointment. Afterward I found out that he had paid for it out of his own pocket and I am sure its "off the books". The whole situation was odd, so off my wife goes and spends a day with this guy and essentially gets wasted with him. To say I was very conflicted is an understatement. My wife is a looker and he is a middle aged, rotund bald man but he has deep pockets and I worried about his (ulterior) motives.

 

I kept my feelings to myself and tried dismissing it. Reasoning and wondering. My wife clearly knew something was wrong but I kept telling her I was fine, just tired. Until one day she pumped me with booze so that I let it slip out. She exploded as I had not shared the way I felt, that she knew something was wrong and I kept lying to her and how could I ever think that she would do something. It was a fun time.

 

Ho Ho Ho damn....

December. Christmas, holiday cheer. Yeah right. By the time Dec rolled around I was in full on detective mode and found myself driving myself crazy. My wife was extremely busy and I felt like I was a single father as she left for work early and got home late. The few nights she did have off she went out with new friends and spent little time at home. To top things off, someone unknown to me told my wife that I had been sniffing around my ex-wife in the summer of 2009 when all this business with DBL happened. She believed it (and still does) as apparently it "fits". It was crazy to me as it was not true in the slightest and at that time (and currently) my ex-wife is in a happy relationship with what seems a like a decent guy. I was horrified trying to defend myself against accusations that had no basis.

Then my wife went out and got her own cell phone in her own name. As her credit score had been lower than my current self esteem everything previously has only been in my name. She kept this phone attached to her like a baby on a breast and it was with her constantly and permanently secure.

 

Yet again there was another new male 'friend' in her life. We shall call him, Chipmunk. Chip for short. Well Chip suddenly appeared and despite my wife's assurances that she had known him for a long time, I again went into threat level, Defcon 5. My wife went out for girls night. Except it turned out that girls night became all kinds of people night with Chip in full attendance. New Years rolls around and it is clear to me that my wife is itching to go out on the town rather than have the party with some close friends as we had planned.

 

Life is strained and it's taking a toll on the both of us.

 

"I don't know what I want anymore"

Really. Are there any words that can cause so much pain and agony to a loved one? There you are, going about your life thinking all is good and picturing you and your honey skipping through fields and raising a small army of children and you get that. It's the worst kind or statement because often it comes out of nowhere and you're basically being told the relationship it done....well maybe it is....maybe it is not........it just leaves too many open doors and unanswered questions.

 

So after a quite frankly childish argument which descended into my wife telling me that I did nothing and my retaliation of then doing nothing and deliberately making life more difficult (not that I can be immature at all), my wife decided to go out for drinks with Chip. Then the next night. I was livid and then it all came crashing down when she said "I don't know what I want anymore".

 

"I need space"

"You will never trust me"

"You don't show you love me or feel wanted"

"You make me feel like I am chore"

 

Don't let everything I wrote above fool you. That all comes from a little perspective. In mid Dec I thought, despite everything was actually ok. We'd talked extensively about our future and what our short/long term goals were. We were planning to try for another child and short of having a PI follow her I knew I had to accept some stuff or go mad.

 

I was shell shocked. Yet angry. My wife, despite her beauty or charisma is a very jealous person. Any woman in my life who showed the slightest bit of interest was described all kinds of colourful things that a sailor would be proud of. So I have always made sure I don't have female friends and those I did have prior to us dating have long since left my wife. My instant reaction was Chip was more than a "friend" something I had been deeply concerned was going to happen.

 

At her request I went out of town for a few days so we could cool off. It was the first time in months she had been responsible for our son for days at a time rather than a few hours here and there. The first two nights we texted and talked a little and she talked about spending some time at a friends house for a few weeks.

 

When I returned things were awkward but maybe a little better. She explained to me that I made her feel unloved because of my lack of trust, that I seemed to hardly wanted to touch her and she shouldn't have to live with a lack of privacy all the time and worrying if I was going to throw a fit every time she mentioned another man. In essence it was all my fault. In the meantime, she had also decided she was going to go to Vegas with her girlfriends. No discussion and no thought to my feeling.

After a couple of days of arguments, I decided to say to myself. Okay, lets do this, lets give her a day of total love. I tried to be as nice as I could, I gave her a long massage at the end of the day and went out of my way to be as lovely as I could. We had sex that night, it was the strangest sex I ever had (and our sex was always amazing). Due to me being frankly devious bastard I had at this time figured a way to bypass the security on her phone. There was nothing there.....apart from one message from Chip. I simply said "I miss you too".

 

This is going to get uglier than a hillbilly convention

The next day I asked her for a divorce.

 

It was the final straw. Except it wasn't.

 

She agreed that it was wrong, that again, she had crossed the line. Yet she twisted it in such a way that it became my fault and she was adamant that it meant nothing. The fight or flight instinct kicked in for me, and in relationship woe, I always run, which is what I planned to do this time. I was going to leave and go back to my home country and for all of about 2 seconds I was serious. The main aspect was to convince her I was serious about leaving to the extent that I visited her parents to explain the way I felt.

 

There is simply no way I could leave though. We had our son. I have another son from my previous marriage (great kid, needs more beatings though), and this was my life. I guess I kinda hoped when I told her that she would put up more of a fight to keep me here, start accepting some blame for the way things were. She did for a short time, and then she accepted it. Just like that. I've been basically a single father for six months and she was happy for me to take off forever. It made want to throttle her.

 

There was some reconciliation for all of a day. We'd chatted, shared, laughed and had some more amazing sex like days gone by. I felt Okay, maybe there is some hope here. The next night though she had planned to go out for drinks with a friend and asked me if it was ok first. I was like "sure, have a good time, take some time for yourself".

She came home at 3am.

I was not happy.

She cannot understand why.

 

Chip was soon consigned to the garbage pile. Her reason: "I blame him for the breakdown of our marriage".

 

You did what!!?!?!?!?

So I'm staying. She has decided she is leaving. We talk. We argue. We have good chats and bad chats. She goes out with friends and I stay at home with our son. Then one day, recently, she tells me "I went on a date". A new guy. Where he came from I'll never know. I do know why she told me though.....the next day I was to hear about it from a mutual friend who had bumped into them.

It means nothing she says. It is just a distraction she says. I'm never going to do with him she says. So I ask: "are you going to see him again?". I'm guessing at this point you already know the answer!!! Oh yes, and she did and she got home at 3am. The best part is still to come....though. After her second 'date' (which was not a date according to her she just happened to bump into him....cough...) the next day she was supposed to be looking at apartments. Initially she was going to take our son, when she got up, obviously still hungover she didn't want to. Then she did, then at the last minute she decided against it. When she returned, she wanted my advice and as we were talking my phone rang. It was a landlord calling for a reference.

Hey, no heads up or anything. What do I say?? I tell him, she is a good mother and has a good job. Then he informs me the absolutely soul destroying news that she was not alone. She was with another man, Mr. second date but it means nothing guy. Words simply fail me at this point.

 

And this Dear reader, if you're still awake at this point is where we are right now. The woman who I married is seemingly gone and in her place is the girl I first started dating 5 years ago. The girl who used people, rotated through men on a weekly basis and who was in a self destructive pattern. Her entire family is aghast at what is happening right now and I am not sure I could bring myself to tell them that there is actually more than one man on the scene as I have since found out. Yes, I do not make this **** up! Not one but two men she has gone out on a "date" with and now spends her time texting all day long.

 

I don't think I am a bad man. I'm far from perfect. I'll never quite understand what I have done to deserve this though or how a person can get married and a few months later throw it all away for........what....I'm not even sure.

 

So I sit here, writing this. My wife, or should I say STXW lies in bed after spending the night packing her things and plans to move out in a few days. I should probably feel angrier. Bitter. Twisted. Yet the over riding emotion I feel is sadness that someone with some much potential can self destruct this way and cause so much pain and agony not only to me but to her parents and the rest of our family. Most of all though, our son, the most innocent in all this is going to have his life ripped apart. It makes me very, very sad.

 

Albertan!

Posted

Your thead was one of the saddest on here. I am so so so so sorry.

 

Before i begin, i want to point out to you that my parents divorced when i was 8 years old. I remember the day as if it were yesterday but honestly, if the two of you are constantly bickering, than the best thing for you, your wife and mainly son is to get a divorce. Children can naturally sense when something isn't right. Just make sure (if the divorce goes ahead) that you both let him know that you love him and that this ISNT HIS FAULT. Explain that a divorce does not end your child's relationship with either parent.All children react differently to a divorce. I saw my dad every 2 weekend and we kept in contact reg via phone calls.

Is your wife insecure? It seems like she craves male attention..you have given her so many chances...you have almost "allowed" her to do this-NOT SAYING that what she has done is your fault-it ISN'T YOUR FAULT, what i am saying is, you have taken her back time after time...why? Because you "love her", right? I am so tired of hearing this excuse...

You seem like a really nice person. Don't let her keep doing this to you.. you said that she is leaving in a few more days? Good, it's the best decision she has ever done..she sounds like a selfish, immature cow. Don't lower yourself to her level mate. Of course your going to go through the first few months feeling like crap..you will go through so many different emotions...anger, sadness, depression and feeling lonely. Just remember, you won't feel like this forever. You deserve someone more appreciative of you. Don't settle for second best. A relationship is based on trust..once that has gone=relationship doomed...good luck..i promise your son will get through this x

Posted

Albertan - my heart is out to you, such a very sad story. Please do not allow this woman to continue playing with both yours and your son's hearts. There is nothing worse than a parent who is in, then out, in, then out of the relationship as well as the parenting. Your son needs a stable person in his life and that is definitely going to have to be you from the sound of your story.

 

Concentrate on yourself and your son right now and don't believe a word she says. As you have probably learned on these boards, the roller coaster is just beginning....although from the sound of it, you have already been on the ride of your life.

 

Keep posting here, you will get through this and my hopes are that you and your son have a better emotionally secure life once she moves out. It's good that he is staying with you to give him some stability.

  • Author
Posted

Couple of Clarifications on typo's:

 

So I have always made sure I don't have female friends and those I did have prior to us dating have long since left my life.

 

There was nothing there.....apart from one message from Chip. It simply said "I miss you too".

 

Just to be clear

I'm sad but also very very angry which I am keeping a lid on right now. Her entire family have been very supportive to me and I doubt her father at least will ever forgive her. I also don't think I have done anything wrong.

I do not doubt she loves our son but often it has seemed to me that he is a chore to her and a hindrance on her daily activities. Unknown to her I have already lawyered up, spoken to everyone who has anything to do with our son, including her parents who all agree (with little prompting) that I have basically raised our son.

She continues to play mind games with me, blaming me and I am not blind to the fact that she has some deep emotional problems going on. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the back of her and beginning the recovery process. The main priority in my life right now is protecting my son and protecting my own interests.

Posted

Jesus god!

 

Not much to say, friend- except that ending this farce of a marriage will be the absolute best decision you've ever made. You and your son(s) deserve better.

 

Get a tenacious lawyer, while you're at it.

Posted

There's good news and bad news.

The bad news is your wife has left.

The good news is your wife has left.

 

Seriously your well rid of her.

You could even get full custody if you can get your in-laws to back you.

Good luck but whatever happens your a winner - you've dumped her onto some mug.

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