Livelovelearn Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Hello LSers, My story is a complicated one. Been with my first love since 07 and broke up in 2010 because he was confused didnt know what he wanted and of course was with another girl while telling me these things and saying he wanted to work things out between us. I loved him with all of my heart, i supported him when he needed it and i gave him alot. He was admired, respected and loved by me. Now after the break up between me and the 1st love, i met another guy months later and i know it wasnt anything serious but i still proceeded with him. We are still together though we put not titles on it (my choice, i cant see myself calling anyone my boyfriend). Now i recently met another fella who i like as well and we talked and he took me out a couple times and he kissed me but i didnt stop him. So heres my issue i'm physical with the other guy, and then this guy kissed me but i didnt stop him. I do feel guilty about it, but I also feel like i dont care. Im noticing that i dont care as much and i feel i cant fall deeply for anyone even though these guys are great. Im starting to feel like im becoming a cheater..but i hope not because i DO NOT want to get physical with two guys. However i feel like im turning into some player/cheater without even realizing it. It's like i dont really care as much about other people like i did once before. Any similiar experiences or advice is welcomed! Im so confused
PegNosePete Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Well the bad news is that I'm afraid you are a cheater. Even if you don't put a label on your current relationship, your "unofficial bf" thinks that you are together and exclusive. Therefore kissing another guy is cheating on him. The good news is that you realize your behaviour is wrong. The very fact that you don't want to cheat without realizing it and have come here, means that you have realized there is a problem. So, you have 3 options: 1) Carry on cheating and lying to your "unofficial bf" 2) Split up with your "unofficial bf" (either telling him the truth or making an excuse) 3) Be honest with your "unofficial bf" and decide where to go from there, either split up or stay together or have an open relationship There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a player or not wanting a relationship or just wanting casual sex or whatever. As long as you are honest about it with your partners and everyone knows where they stand, its all good. It becomes bad if you are stringing people along, lying to them, etc.
cooper91 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Hi LiveLoveLearn, I've recently been through a similar, but not identical experience to yours. It's not totally the same, but there are enough parralels that I think it could be useful. A few months ago I broke up with my gf. Like you, she was my first love, and she meant the world to me. Unlike you, I'm back with her now, but it feels different. I don't feel the same trust and warmth towards her as I used to; almost asif ther's a hardened shell around me when it comes to emotional connection. I came oh so close to cheating with her best friend, but this doesn't bother or scare me that much. After thinking about it alot, I've come to this conclusion. When you have your first love, you throw yourself into it with abandon, without any caution. If/when you get hurt by that first love, you become very defensive about letting yourself care for anyone for quite a bit of time afterwards. I think this might be showing itself up in you not wanting to call your new man 'boyfriend', but I could be wrong. But have hope. My shell is slowly cracking, and though I'll never throw myeslf into a relationship as quickly as I did the first time, I think that it won't be too long before I'm ready to tell someone that I love them again. Hope this helps, Cooper91
Author Livelovelearn Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Thank you all for your response. PegNosePete, I am aware that it is bad, but i dont want to do it however its like i dont care at the same time which is confusing. But i am ignoring the guy who i kissed just to avoid the drama. I definitely do not want to be a player or cheater, it makes me feel like i cant love like i once did and nor will i find one to settle down if i continue like this. Its a scary feeling its like my experience has opened up the dark side of me. With my first love, never did i ever think about cheating while i was with him for 3 years. Im disappointed in myself. Cooper91, thank you for sharing. I know that all to well my first love and I broke up twice and everytime we came back together it wasnt how it first was, the warmth and trust like you mentioned. I think you've given me insight on why my ex might have done what he did to me. Because i know there was a point where he loved me so much that only explains why, the break up and make up cycle changes things. I think its true im afraid or defending myself from caring for anyone because the last time i did, they hurt me terribly. I hope i recover as well and get this "phase out of the way". I really am not a cheater or player i just do not know whats going on with me
PegNosePete Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 PegNosePete, I am aware that it is bad, but i dont want to do it So don't do it. You are in control of your actions. If you do it then it is because you do want to do it. Simples. I really am not a cheater or player i just do not know whats going on with me Umm sorry to say your actions contradict your words. And when that happens we all know which to believe. So if you don't want to be a cheater and have genuine remorse, you have to come clean. Don't lie to your BF, tell him what happened, and tell him the truth about where you see your relationship going. If he accepts it and allows you to see other people then you must allow him the same. And tell your future guys the situation too. Just don't lie to people or deceive them. Treat them with respect and you will feel respect for yourself. As long as you're all consenting adults who know the situation then you've nothing to feel bad about.
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