FRDSSTR Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I'll start by saying that this is completely irrational and I don't expect anyone's pity. I know what I need to do, but need help getting there. I am about 40, happily married, and recently made the mistake of contacting an ex (my first real love, and only love other than my wife) through a business networking site. I told myself it was just to say hi and see how she was. We ended things 10 years ago due to a number of issues (long distance relationship, religious differences, etc.). At the time of the BU, while I was not happy about it, I also wouldn't say I was crushed b/c she had been acting cold for a couple months, and even though it was her doing, I told myself at the time that it was probably for the best. After that, every few years we'd catch up over email. I admit I carried a small torch for her, which eventually faded over time but never went away completely. I'd been upset in the past about relationships that didn't work out, but I always managed to get over those in 8-9 months or so and this was different. Like I said, first real love, and she was stunning and a genuinely good person. It would have been easier if she'd been horrible or cheated on me or something. Still, I knew we were never getting back together and moved on as best I could. Over time, I gradually threw away all the keepsakes, receipts, playbills, and deleted old emails. Then I met my now-wife. She's gorgeous and sweet, funny, and truly my best friend. Without question, she is a much better fit for me. I know some of you will may be thinking that I am not really happy in my marriage, but I really am. The ex and I hadn't had contact in about 4.5 years before a couple weeks ago. She lives halfway across the country, so it's not like I run into her or anything. Something reminded me of her one day recently and I sent her a note to say hi. Did not think it would be a big deal. Told her I'd gotten married, etc. She responded that she's also been married for a few years and updated me on her job, etc. For some reason, this exchange has thrown me for a complete loop. For the last week, I absolutely cannot stop thinking about her and what our life might have been like if things had worked out. I keep thinking and rethinking the things I said and did, and I keep wondering if I'd said or done something differently, would I have held on to her? It's actually having a physical effect on me. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this is hitting me so hard. Maybe I never fully dealt with it at the time. Maybe it's just a midlife crisis and I'm over-romanticizing something that happened when I was younger and more carefree. Maybe I'm a "grass is always greener" person. Maybe I was taking some weird comfort in thinking that she never got married - that way it was easier to tell myself there was something inherently wrong with her. Maybe I've just settled into the routine of married life with a somewhat boring job and I miss the days of a new romance. Whatever it is, I feel like a complete idiot and a jerk for having these irrational feelings. It needs to stop immediately for the sake of my marriage and because obviously there is no going back at this point. What I'm doing to try and help myself is remember that the ex was not perfect, and that I can't just remember the good times. There were bad times too and reasons it didn't work out. I think over time, a lot of the bad memories tend to fade away and I need to fight that. I also need to remind myself that no matter what I would have said at the time, no big romantic speech would have really changed things in the end since we had issues that we just couldn't get past. So I guess if anyone out there is considering contacting an ex "just to catch up," I'd advise against it unless you are absolutely sure you're past it. It may dredge up more problems than you think. I'm definitely cutting off all contact with the ex from this point forward. Any other advice/thoughts would be appreciated. I'd also like to know if anyone has experienced something similar.
selena_cat Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 You obviously have not ever moved past your feelings for your ex,whom you said was your first love. The fact you had to contactyour ex after all this time and is in the what couldve and shouldve been stage makes me wonder whats happening or not in your marriage to cause you to look for your ex of long ago? You cant do nothing about your feelings with your ex,I would suggest that you do not contact her again,since she herself is married,and probably happily. You cant turn back time,if you guys are meant to be together,i'd never say never but I wouldnt bank on it or you will cause yourself and your wife grief. Go NC on the ex,she's in the past
Fern Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I think men have an inbuilt competitive streak which you may have awakened when you heard the news of her marriage. What I mean is, it's not HER or the relationship that has stirred up these feelings, it's the idea that some other guy succeeded where you didn't. Just remind yourself that bith you and she are different people now that when you were together. Maybe if you'd met her later and her husband met her earlier the positions would be reversed. But cut the contact - for your own sake and that of your marriage. Everyone has these little wobbles in a LTR. The crushes pass eventually and you wonder what the hell you were thinking...
z00m25 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 yeah i probably wouldnt contact her again if i was you. not really fair to your wife if your married.
Author FRDSSTR Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) Thanks for your input, everyone. I have no intention whatsoever of pursuing anything with the ex and I would never leave my wife. I'm more confused by these feelings than anything else. I have a feeling a good portion of it is coming from the "competition" issue. Not proud of that, but maybe I need to admit it to myself. I know I need to cut off all contact. I removed her from my contacts on the networking site, deleted the exchange of messages, and this morning I tore up and threw away the last remaining thing I'd saved from her - an old email that I had buried away in a filing cabinet. It was hard, but sometimes you need to rip off the band aid. In a way, maybe this will turn out to be a good thing since it really forced me to cut all ties and will help me to permanently put this behind me. Edited January 26, 2011 by FRDSSTR
Author FRDSSTR Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Thanks, but I don't feel like a great husband right now. This support, even from strangers, is incredibly helpful. There's really not a soul in the world I can talk to about this, so thanks for responding.
Fern Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Thanks, but I don't feel like a great husband right now. This support, even from strangers, is incredibly helpful. There's really not a soul in the world I can talk to about this, so thanks for responding. Don't beat yourself up - everyone is tested from time to time. Nobody is immune to these feelings in a LTR - not even your wife. It's how you deal with them that matters. You're doing the right thing for yourself and your marriage. That's something to be proud of. Now go organise something romantic for the two of you to do soon.
GreenPolicy Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 OP, I'm not sure why you feel regret or What Ifs when she is the one who ended it.
Author FRDSSTR Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 I'm not sure either really. Very long story and I won't get into all the details, but I found myself wondering if I'd done or said certain things differently back then, she might not have ended it. I just need to keep reminding myself that she probably would have ended it no matter what.
GreenPolicy Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I'm not sure either really. Very long story and I won't get into all the details, but I found myself wondering if I'd done or said certain things differently back then, she might not have ended it. I just need to keep reminding myself that she probably would have ended it no matter what. At least in my case I don't feel like I will have those regrets or What Ifs: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/
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