Bad first time sex - is relationship doomed?

[zengirl]

There she goes: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t262532/

 

I agree that there are other posters lurking who might be helped. The thing is: Why do HER threads always get so many and prompt responses, when the OP isn't benefiting from them... when there are countless of (I believe) genuine, hurting, sad people here whose threads barely garner any help/notice? What is it about her that makes people want to post? Is it just a controversial thread like the gender wars one? Or is it like watching a grisly movie - you know how it's gonna end, but you just can't stop being mesmerized?

 

Interesting question. I try to read most threads. I guess I'm more likely to post in the ones with general themes (I get the topic; it's not uber-specific) and that are readable and not too long (initial post/situation). Paragraph breaks and line breaks help a lot. There are quite a few posts I can't finish reading because the situation is uber-detailed, there are no paragraphs, and I can't focus. I would say OG is a generally intelligent writer, enough that her threads are readable.

 

Also, the people who have really sad **** going on -- I've got nothing to say to them. People like OG -- they only have their own selves in their way, which is entirely possible to remove. If your BF stole your credit card and beat you, I have nothing to really offer besides, "Whoa, that sucks" really.

 

Other than that, I've no idea. Interesting question though.

[Kamille]

Wow. Just got caught up. I think I feel nauseous!

 

I don't see the point in claiming someone is fundamentally "selfish". How does that help? I'm trying to understand why OG acts in selfish ways, what makes her oblivious to the impact of her words so that she can, if she wants, reflect on it and change whatever mechanism make her oblivious to the impact of her actions on others. I for one do not believe "selfishness" is a core personality trait.

 

If it was just "anxiety," and she is not wholly self-absorbed and selfish, surely after getting some perspective, she will approach this man and his sexuality with a broader, more empathetic, more sensitive view in the future.

 

I'll take it you've never really struggled with anxiety if you can call it "just anxiety". Makes sense, you are "zen" after all . I struggle with anxiety and it's insane how it can control your life and make you lose perspective. I was lucky to have an amazing therapist who's given me tips and tools to recognize and handle my anxiety. I would definitely recommend OG speak to a therapist specialized in anxiety disorders.

[xpaperxcutx]

There she goes: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t262532/

 

I agree that there are other posters lurking who might be helped. The thing is: Why do HER threads always get so many and prompt responses, when the OP isn't benefiting from them... when there are countless of (I believe) genuine, hurting, sad people here whose threads barely garner any help/notice? What is it about her that makes people want to post? Is it just a controversial thread like the gender wars one? Or is it like watching a grisly movie - you know how it's gonna end, but you just can't stop being mesmerized?

 

It could be the Topic Titles. They always seem to draw you in. Like this one.

[zengirl]

I'll take it you've never really struggled with anxiety if you can call it "just anxiety". Makes sense, you are "zen" after all . I struggle with anxiety and it's insane how it can control your life and make you lose perspective. I was lucky to have an amazing therapist who's given me tips and tools to recognize and handle my anxiety. I would definitely recommend OG speak to a therapist specialized in anxiety disorders.

 

Actually was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was a kid and was on medication for awhile. Not now. Now I'm cool with who I am and I manage it through exercise, nutrition, mental exercises, and a positive lifestyle, but believe me, I know anxiety.

 

I do agree it can make you do some ****ty things in the moment, but anxiety is usually not a disorder that makes it impossible to reflect or change behaviors later. That's why my point was that after reading different views (if she bothers to read all the advice before the cluster that happened), reflecting on it, getting a breather, and getting her bearings, she should be able to act in less selfish/self-absorbed ways.

 

I think therapists can help a lot of people. I've been hindered by certain kinds of therapists and helped by others. I've been more helped by Buddhist monks and Taoists (hence the moniker zengirl) than therapists, but I do agree that speaking to one could be helpful for loads of people with persistent relationship problems, including OG.

 

It could be the Topic Titles. They always seem to draw you in. Like this one.

 

OG is good with the topics. And that does help, I think.

[northern_sky]

Wow. Just got caught up. I think I feel nauseous!

 

I don't see the point in claiming someone is fundamentally "selfish"

 

Exactly, I find it rather sickening myself.

[northern_sky]

 

I do agree it can make you do some ****ty things in the moment, but anxiety is usually not a disorder that makes it impossible to reflect or change behaviors later.

 

 

I completely disagree with this, and it makes me wonder how much you've read about anxiety disorders. It totally depends on the individual, their level of anxiety and how it affects them.

[northern_sky]

It won't take much effort to find threads where you happily DO use clinical terminology to "diagnose" all kinds of other folks; your "Asperger" label for J comes to mind, as does a whole thread devoted to which celebrities demonstrated Borderline Personality Disorder, back in your stint as Shadowplay. There are plenty more. Remember?

 

I was speculating in a very vague way, but I never claimed to be able to diagnose him. Also, I've met J in person and interacted with him many times.

[zengirl]

I completely disagree with this, and it makes me wonder how much you've read about anxiety disorders. It totally depends on the individual, their level of anxiety and how it affects them.

 

Of course, everything depends on the individual. I'm not really going to get into a 'who's smarter' fight with you, because I don't really care the way you seem to about what everyone else has read and studied. And it's not really the point. None of your objections are really the point. They're all various strawmen to look for excuses in OG's behavior.

 

I will say: Most people who behave badly are in pain. They are in pain because they behave badly, and they behave badly because they are in pain. It is a cycle. To a degree, I feel sorry for them, but not in a way that excuses it, in my mind. Bad behavior is bad behavior, regardless, (unless we're talking about a physical chemical imbalance so strong that it would necessitate major treatment before someone could be allowed to live outside an institution, but I doubt that's OG).

 

I don't think ascribing excuses for a person's bad behavior is beneficial to changing the behavior. Growth and progress only come when you realize your failings and seek to change them. Wallowing in them, excusing them, avoiding them, and rationalizing them are all good ways not to change and to stay in the cycle of bad behavior and pain. Which isn't a place I want anybody to be, but -- in most cases, and I'm certain in this one -- nobody keeps the person there but themselves.