Bad first time sex - is relationship doomed?

January 26, 2011

sometimes I'm really glad I'm not a bloke, jeeeez. All sorts of things can affect how long someone lasts, one of them is alcohol, other is mental state. people are not machines.

every man is different

Right, I wasn't criticizing guys for it. I was just saying that I understand why she might have been perplexed if it'd never happened to her before ---- my BF is the first guy I've been with who's always up for sex but found it difficult to finish sometimes, so I worried, of course, that he was unsatisified when he didn't. I was perplexed. Now, it's a non-issue, even when it happens (and yes, alcohol and mental state are big factors), because we've communicated with each other about this and other aspects of sex, and I know he finds me damn sexy, and is still happy he had sex even if we can't finish him off. Communication is key.

I hope OG and her guy work this out and she can not take it personally or stress over it.

January 26, 2011

I would also like to see how many females would cope with being pounded for 5 hours over 1 night with a much larger than average d%^k.

Pesonally, I would have said something along the lines of "Omg, sweetheart, you are going to have to let Miss Kitty rest a bit! I am not used to someone so large and so into going on for my pleasure."

Good sex happens between the ears. If a man tells you that you smell or taste funny, if you are a typical woman, you will carry that in your head the rest of your life and worry about it. Making a man think that he sucks in bed is a great way to REALLY make him suck in bed.

If you can even look back on the experience and call it "being pounded" and "coping", then I would have to question why you even want to be in a R with him. If those are your impressions of love-making with him and that is all you can say about it, then you aren't doing him any favors.

Can't you say ANYTHING nice about the love-making? Or was it all just a bunch of "getting pounded"?

January 26, 2011

OG, reading this thread actually hurt MY feelings.

You're afraid that the sex scenario means that he didn't find YOU attractive enough?

I ask you sincerely - do you like him, care about him, have empathy for him as a human being? Are you INTERESTED in him, and in how he is feeling? Or is his ONLY purpose in your life to reflect positively upon your ego?

After this whole scene, which was painful to read about, you resorted to your old pattern: "He's not into me enough." Meanwhile, you just trashed a person that you are "supposed" to care for. (Quotes because that is usually a requisite part of a relationship; that the people involved CARE FOR EACH OTHER.)

I do believe that this guy is nuts about YOU. I cannot imagine his state of mind if he gets himself into the position to have sex with you again.

LOOKING AT YOUR WATCH???????? Oh My Gawd.
.

OG- I really you think you have found a wonderful person in this guy.

He likes you enough to be anxious about sex, and he is obviously still stressed about it- you analysed his texts to death but all I read in them was that he is probably thinking "I hope she still wants to see me again after this".

AND he took terrible behaviour from you on the chin.

Poor guy must be in bits.

I really don't know what else to say to you.

I honestly don't know if you have the right mind set to have a good R. You HAVE to stop thinking about yourself all the time, otherwise it is totally doomed.

January 26, 2011

To say I was horrifed when I read this thread would be an understatement. Words fail me..........

OG you are the Queen of overanalysis when it comes to relationships so how about you analyse this:

You and your new guy are having sex for the first time - and, during a marathon session, YOU can't reach orgasm.

He says: "I wish you would come faster I am getting tired"

Then he just stops being into it visibly and looks around the room, checking out the time on his watch etc

For some reason (known only to yourself - but probably lack of self-esteem) you decide to do it again.

He says: "I hope it's better this time"!

Now do you think the relationship is doomed?

January 26, 2011

How incredibly bizarre. I just read another post from you, OceanGirl, about how insecure you are about R's, due to constant failures, and how important you think external validation should be to making other people feel secure.

You can't validate a man who you are being as intimate with as human beings can be, and you can't see his insecurity in his texts and try to assuage his uncertainty, because YOU don't talk about issues again once they have been discussed once.

Do you think that possibly this inability to NOT be able to externally validate anyone else's feelings and ONLY be able to think about yourself (you wanted him to want sex again just so you would believe that you are desirable) might be hindering you from having successful relationships?

January 26, 2011

Hey, OG. I think your main concern right now should be *your* interest level rather than his. It's obvious you are extremely attracted to him, but I get the sense you're not that into him deep down. You seemed rather apathetic when you were contemplating the end of the relationship in this thread. Hopefully the feelings just need time to develop.

Btw, I can relate to how it feels to be pounded to death. My ex was like this. He wasn't even able to come our first time, and after an hour or two I found myself getting bored and sore (though I did my best to disguise it). Eventually we settled into a routine of having actual sex for awhile and then a mutual effort of jerking him off. The sex with him kind of sucked, but honestly I didn't care much because the best part of sex for me is the intimacy aspect: cuddling, holding each other's faces close, pillow talk into the wee hours, new discoveries about the other person. Try to enjoy that stuff!

January 26, 2011

My H can have this problem occasionally, as a response to a variety of things, often work-stress related. Occasionally it happens when he has been purposely staving off his O so that I could have a couple more--suddenly when he actually goes for it, it's no longer there. Usually taking a small break works for us, a few minutes to catch our breath and talk and laugh takes the pressure off. Sometimes just switching things up does the trick. Sometimes we break out the heavy-duty props and toys. And once in a while if I've gotten sore and exhausted the fallback, as mentioned above, is just to watch him take care of himself, while lending a helping hand or tongue or talking dirty in his ear.

I miss getting to spend all day in bed with him. Can't do that anymore, with the little guy underfoot.

This seems like it should be on the sex forum, doesn't it?

Agreed, the question of what to do when your man is of the sexually everlasting kind would be a great topic for the sex forum. Those are great tips. We've started taking breaks, hanging back, chatting and switching things up.

I miss spending all day in bed with bf too now! I'm gonna make it happen, next time we're in the same town.

And I speak from experience when I say that I would much rather deal with an everlasting man than a guy who comes too quickly. BTDT, give me everlast!

January 26, 2011

How incredibly bizarre.

Not really bizarre, if you know her history.

BTW... I've missed reading your posts around here. You couldn't be more right.

I think your main concern right now should be *your* interest level rather than his.

Right, because she needs to think even more about just herself right now.

January 26, 2011

Agreed, the question of what to do when your man is of the sexually everlasting kind would be a great topic for the sex forum.

I don't think any woman with any amount of empathy would need tips about how to not be insensitive and selfish. You either are, or aren't.

January 26, 2011

the best part of sex for me is the intimacy aspect: cuddling, holding each other's faces close, pillow talk into the wee hours, new discoveries about the other person. Try to enjoy that stuff!

Yes ^^^this and/or an incredibly delightful O that first time makes the world go round' . So, maybe OP felt a little frazzled, after having a marathon session and him not getting to that point, the "explosive far-reaching distance" kind...

January 26, 2011

Well, I see OP hasn't been back in a while. Guess she couldn't handle the heat

I have no idea what the OP is like as a person, but I can tell you I dated a woman who acted like that with me the first time too. She actually said to me "does this have to take all night"? (and did not say it in a nice way either).

Let me tell you, that woman turned out to be quite a whacko!! I'm a very confident and secure man so I didn't take what she said badly. However, her being able to say that turned out to be a symptom of some deeper issues.

Next time a woman it so insensitive so quickly, I'm running for the door!!

January 26, 2011

I did not get why the sex was bad.

Why do you need him to cum unless you are making babies?

IMO there is nothing better for sex than a man who can not cum but who has erection and is functional.

When you are tired of sex, you just say him that you want to stop. He would love it if you say him that you are very satisfied and want to stop because you just had an amazing orgasm.

I would not want to have sex with a guy who wants to control my orgasm.

January 26, 2011

Not really bizarre, if you know her history.

BTW... I've missed reading your posts around here. You couldn't be more right.

Right, because she needs to think even more about just herself right now.

You're missing the nuance. OG is so focused on how he feels about her that she is ignoring her own needs and interest level. This is why she put up with the marathon session, despite her displeasure, rather than calling a break. She wasn't able to assert her own needs in a healthy manner, so they bubbled to the surface in a way that hurt her bf.

As Kamille put it: "I think you reached the point of being rude because you let your own desire to please over-ride your enjoyment of what was happening. You let the moment when you could have gently and openly asked for a break slip by and pushed yourself to the point where you, instead, got upset by how long it was taking him to come."

When people suppress their own needs in order to make the other person happy or like them more, they ultimately become more selfish. Their needs end up bursting out at the wrong moments in the wrong ways.

Often people who overly focus on the other person will only assess their own interest level too late into the relationship and then flip out when they realize they've been suppressing all these things that annoy them.

January 26, 2011

I don't think any woman with any amount of empathy would need tips about how to not be insensitive and selfish. You either are, or aren't.

I'm not sure that's entirely true. Most of us are more insensitive and selfish when we are young, and we mature into a greater understanding of people and relationships--many people age into deeper levels of empathy. OG sometimes strikes me as someone whose emotional development is stunted to be more like that of a teenage girl than a woman in her 30s, but that doesn't mean this dimension of her growth is stalled forever. Hopefully LS can encourage her in this, if she will listen.

January 26, 2011

You're missing the nuance. OG is so focused on how he feels about her that she is ignoring her own needs and interest level. This is why she put up with the marathon session, despite her displeasure, rather than calling a break. She wasn't able to assert her own needs in a healthy manner, so they bubbled to the surface in a way that hurt her bf.

As Kamille put it: "I think you reached the point of being rude because you let your own desire to please over-ride your enjoyment of what was happening. You let the moment when you could have gently and openly asked for a break slip by and pushed yourself to the point where you, instead, got upset by how long it was taking him to come."

When people suppress their own needs in order to make the other person happy or like them more, they ultimately become more selfish. Their needs end up bursting out at the wrong moments in the wrong ways.

Often people who overly focus on the other person will only assess their own interest level too late into the relationship and then flip out when they realize they've been suppressing all these things that annoy them.

didn't have time to add:

This may lead to an overreaction where they dump their partner, where a more balanced person might have been able to address these needs/grievances one by one as they came up and work things out.

Ultimately, because OG is so focused on her bf's needs and attraction to her that she isn't allowing herself to just live in the moment and learn about who her bf is as a person, revel in the little idiosyncrasies that make him. This will make it harder for her to form a deep connection with him.

Edited January 26, 2011 by northern_sky

January 26, 2011

When people suppress their own needs in order to make the other person happy or like them more, they ultimately become more selfish. Their needs end up bursting out at the wrong moments in the wrong ways.

Ultimately, because OG is so focused on her bf's needs and attraction to her that she isn't allowing herself to just live in the moment and learn about who her bf is as a person, revel in the little idiosyncrasies that make him. This will make it harder for her to form a deep connection with him.

NS- I think this is spot on.

January 26, 2011

NS, if you actually think that OG was focused on his needs via her behavior in purposefully acting not into it, telling him to hurry up, looking at her watch and around the room, and saying that she hopes it's better next time, then we are light years apart on ever reaching any sort of accord on anything. She wasn't thinking of him or his needs AT ALL. She was only thinking of herself and what it meant for her. She was selfish.

January 26, 2011

I'm not sure that's entirely true. Most of us are more insensitive and selfish when we are young, and we mature into a greater understanding of people and relationships--many people age into deeper levels of empathy. OG sometimes strikes me as someone whose emotional development is stunted to be more like that of a teenage girl than a woman in her 30s, but that doesn't mean this dimension of her growth is stalled forever. Hopefully LS can encourage her in this, if she will listen.

I'm glad someone still has some optimism. LS has been trying to help her for YEARS now, through all of her different names. If she's not trying to figure out how to sue her boss (who she had a crush on) for not paying enough attention to her, she's acting destructively and selfishly, as demonstrated here.

I agree that she behaves and thinks like a teenager.

January 26, 2011

NS, if you actually think that OG was focused on his needs via her behavior in purposefully acting not into it, telling him to hurry up, looking at her watch and around the room, and saying that she hopes it's better next time, then we are light years apart on ever reaching any sort of accord on anything. She wasn't thinking of him or his needs AT ALL. She was only thinking of herself and what it meant for her. She was selfish.

OG was focused on his needs in so far as he liked her, which is different from whether he was actually happy. She felt obligated to keep up with the sex, past the point of discomfort for her, so he wouldn't like her less. But in her frustration, because she was ignoring her needs, she blurted out a few rude comments.

Kamille and I both explained this dynamic pretty well. I'm not sure how many more ways it can be phrased.

Edited January 26, 2011 by northern_sky

January 26, 2011

NS, if you actually think that OG was focused on his needs via her behavior in purposefully acting not into it, telling him to hurry up, looking at her watch and around the room, and saying that she hopes it's better next time, then we are light years apart on ever reaching any sort of accord on anything. She wasn't thinking of him or his needs AT ALL. She was only thinking of herself and what it meant for her. She was selfish.

I'm with NS on this. I think OG lets her anxieties get the best of her and this leads her to act in selfish ways. We can all agree that the way she communicated her desire for a break was rude. OG has had similar responses in the past, where her inability to assert herself appropriately caused her to resent the men in her life.

Or maybe I'm just projecting. I do that. I let my anxieties guide me, I overlook my own needs as a result (to get the validation I'm looking for), fail to communicate them in a positive manner and then feel resentful that my needs are overlooked. It's taken me some coaching to learn to identify that pattern in myself and to take responsibility for communicating my needs appropriately.

I think if you and I differ in our interpretation (or you and NS), it's because NS and I don't think OG is inherently selfish. We think there are deeper issues-insecurities that are causing her to act in selfish ways.

January 26, 2011

Just because she wanted him to like her, and was focused on that end, doesn't mean she was able to control herself perfectly and suppress all of her needs.

None of it was about focusing on his needs while sacrificing her own. She was engaging in sex with him to make him like her. That's a selfish act. It wasn't to become closer to him. To share a special intimacy. To please him. Nope. By her own admission, she expected him to prove his attraction to her. That's inherently selfish.

Now, I need you to set aside her willingness to participate in painful marathon sex aside for a minute.

How exactly was acting the way she did when she was impatient and wanting him to finish designed to make him like her?

And Kam, it wasn't just how she communicated a need for a break. Even afterwards she told him she hopes it's better next time. Honestly, what kind of CARING girlfriend says that?!

January 26, 2011

The more time I spend on this board, the more I'm convinced that OG is a troll of some sort. If there's any person out there as clueless as her, I've yet to meet him/her/them.

January 26, 2011

I think if you and I differ in our interpretation (or you and NS), it's because NS and I don't think OG is inherently selfish. We think there are deeper issues-insecurities that are causing her to act in selfish ways.

Yes, we absolutely disagree about that.

January 26, 2011

How exactly was acting the way she did when she was impatient and wanting him to finish designed to make him like her?

It wasn't. Her frustration got the better of her and she blurted something out. People don't always act rationally.

January 26, 2011

It wasn't. Her frustration got the better of her and she blurted something out. People don't always act rationally.

Blurted?

She chose to lay there and act uninterested. Looked around the room, looked at the clock/watch. Told him she wished he'd hurry up. Then, AFTER they were finished, when he's apologizing, she says she hopes it's better next time. When he later texts her, fishing for reassurances, she ignores his comment about not enjoying herself.

This wasn't a quick momentary blip. This was almost methodical behavior. She wanted him to know just how unimpressed she was.

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Bad first time sex - is relationship doomed?

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