Bad first time sex - is relationship doomed?

[OceanGirl]

BTW I think that everything is fine now.

 

On a whim I decided to send him this text few hours ago:

 

"I can't seem to stop thinking about you ;)"

 

He responded with "WOW thank you for that text. I have been thinking about you quite a lot too".

 

Then we wished each other good night and sweet dreams.

 

I also went on FB and updated my status saying "I had an awesome Australia day :)"

 

He "liked" it

 

He may not call tomorrow but I am now pretty sure that he will.

[oaks]

Too late, I already said that

 

Oh no! It was supposed to be a joke... I never thought you'd actually say that to him! If he didn't have any anxiety concerns about his performance before then he's likely to have them now!

[OceanGirl]

Isn't there a thread floating around here about this ... sigh.

 

Are you sure you even want a relationship?

First you mention that horrible statement to him .

Then when he brings it up - you ignore it completely.

Are you scared of this relationship working ?

 

I don't see why you need validation from anyone on your attractiveness. For the sake of life how can a "perfect" sex session even prove this?

 

BTW I ignored it because we went over it in person already. I feel it's pointless going around in circles and discussing same issues to death.

 

I would also like to see how many females would cope with being pounded for 5 hours over 1 night with a much larger than average d%^k.

[Fee]

You're very lucky if he still likes you after you were so rude and immature. I think you need to grow up a bit.

 

The condoms were too small, he's not used to condoms, he hasn't had sex in a long time, and he had first time nerves, yet you still didn't have enough empathy to take all that into consideration? Either you're a narcissistic princess that has never learned manners, or you think you're such hot sh/t that a guy is lucky you're just laying on your back for him. You need to develop some empathy. How about switching it up if you want him to come, or saying it's okay to take a break and just kissing/carressing. You laid it all on him, which was lazy and, as many other posters have said, rude.

 

This was the first time - nothing give you free pass to roll your eyes and tell him he's taking too long... How would you feel if you were naked and vulnerable and he started demanding that you cum for him as he was getting bored? This relationship won't last unless you get off your high horse and start treating him with respect. Nothing will make an erection (and the man it is attached to) disappear faster than criticism and cruelty. Learn from this if he's still interested and don't blow it.

[Kamille]

I will always remember the haha! moment I had in therapy, when my dr made me realize that anxieties usually make us self-centered. Og, your anxieties about your own attractiveness made you miss the point here. Sex isn't the time to "prove attractiveness". Sex is about intimacy and enjoying time together (while enjoying each other's bodies).

 

I have a lot to say about this thread:

 

 

First of all: what's with the all or nothing thinking OG? You're putting your whole relationship on the line because of a first night of marathon sex? I mean, you had sex 3 times... you were an active participant for most of those 5 hours and I'm going to assume that along with trying to "prove your attractiveness", you also took some time to enjoy yourself and enjoy the intimacy. I think you're focusing way too much on "what went wrong" and not enough on "what went right".

 

So first thing: a relationship needs time and room to grow. It also needs trust. There will be issues. If your first response to every issue is to question the whole relationship, you're cutting down the potential for healthy relationship-building communication. Put another way: you said yes to this relationship. Now stop questioning it and start working to build it.

 

Second thing: I think you reached the point of being rude because you let your own desire to please over-ride your enjoyment of what was happening. You let the moment when you could have gently and openly asked for a break slip by and pushed yourself to the point where you, instead, got upset by how long it was taking him to come. This is sex: you are responsible for your enjoyment. In the future, if you feel yourself getting sore: tell him so! Gently, nicely and then, if you stop, make sure that you cuddle and make him feel cherished.

 

Third thing: Please tell me you understand that usually, when a man is into a woman, his top priority is pleasing her. Your guy's ego just took an extreme blow. He knows he disappointed you. In bed! (Poor guy) Like Sweet J, I worry that you just upped his performance anxiety ten-fold.

 

I'm glad you took the first step and told him you were thinking about him.

 

Here's is what I would do if I were you: next time you speak to him (in person), talk to him about the things he did in bed that you loved. Hopefully you have it in you to take responsibility for yourself and to apologize for how you communicated your need to take a break. Establish a better code that allows you to gently communicate that you need a break. Next time it happens: be playful (not harsh).

 

This can blow over if you choose to see it as an integral part of learning about each other and how to communicate with each other.

[Fee]

I would also like to see how many females would cope with being pounded for 5 hours over 1 night with a much larger than average d%^k.

 

I've been in that situation and said "honey, do you want to take a break" or I got on top and made it happen. There are plenty of other options in that scenario, not just being a jerk.

[Jannah]

It may very well just be first time jitters. Try to not be to hard on him on yourself. Hard..no pun intended.

[Els]

BTW I ignored it because we went over it in person already. I feel it's pointless going around in circles and discussing same issues to death.

 

I would also like to see how many females would cope with being pounded for 5 hours over 1 night with a much larger than average d%^k.

 

Those females would really just politely decline the second one, citing soreness. That is completely different from your 'Will you please hurry up?'.

 

But since this really just seems to be a journal of sorts for you, as you are mostly just posting updates instead of taking advice... I can only wish you the best.

[Fee]

since this really just seems to be a journal of sorts for you, as you are mostly just posting updates instead of taking advice... I can only wish you the best.

 

Ditto to that....

[SmileFace]

I would also like to see how many females would cope with being pounded for 5 hours over 1 night with a much larger than average d%^k.

Whatev, you acted like he held you down for 5 hours and "pounded" you. If you can be so insensitive to someones else feelings;you should have a decent amount of common sense to tell him you didn't want to continue.You talk about wanting to feel attractive and him not cumming fast enough is proving different. This is something he couldn't control. Ye,t you make him seem so unattractive by your comment.Something you could control. Then again he still talking to you.

[oaks]

I would also like to see how many females would cope with being pounded for 5 hours over 1 night with a much larger than average d%^k.

 

Fair enough. So here's something you might be able to say next time: "Damn honey that huge dick of yours is going to make me sore, can we switch positions [or take a break]?" I can't speak for all guys, but hopefully he won't be upset at being told that he has a big one.

[Kamille]

 

I would also like to see how many females would cope with being pounded for 5 hours over 1 night with a much larger than average d%^k.

 

[Raises hand]

 

 

Listen, my bf is, uh, a marathoner. How do I communicate that I'm about done? I tell him, in a sultry voice "honey, I would love to feel you come inside of me". If that doesn't work, I eventually simply tell him, while laughing and still in the moment : "honey I need a break" (It's the code we established when we talked about the length of our sessions.)

 

The one problem bf and I have is that he often gets really close to coming and then, for some reason, doesn't come. Yes, I find it frustrating because I will often withhold my requests for a break if I think he's about to come (then he doesn't come and I feel disappointed).

 

Once, months into the relationship (because at first I loved the marathon sessions), I let him know I felt disappointed when he seemed so close to coming and then didn't come. We have since discussed better ways to approach the situation. We have a whole set of jokes that help us communicate about this. And, fortunately for us, every once in awhile, I'm in the mood for a marathon session. (Although, not often enough for him. He loves nothing more then spending the whole day in bed ).

[zengirl]

BUT I'm concerned because it took him ages to come each time (even the first). I'm talking 90 minutes the first time and almost 2 hours for the next 2 times. By the end of it I was sore and ehxausted. We cycled through oral and tons of different positions but it still took him ages.

 

Hmm. . . changing positions will often extend sex. But, also, some men just have a really hard time cumming with a condom on. My BF didn't cum the first time we had sex. At first, it bothered me a bit --- as I want him to enjoy himself --- but we talked about it, and it's just how his body is. Every once and awhile, he has a night where he cannot cum easily enough (and applying pressure---i.e. me 'waiting' for it---doesn't help, and isn't what he personally wants). It's not a big thing, as he says it is just how he is. I get why it'd bother you the first time, though, as you want to feel attracted/wanted/etc. However, I don't think that necessary indicates it. I mean, I can't always cum either, and it rarely has anything to do with my BF. And sex still feels good (which is basically what my BF says about the subject).

 

Btw he has no problem getting hard. He gets hard if I even so much as kiss him.

 

Sometimes I wonder if a guy's quickness to get hard relates in terms of the ease/difficulty to get off.

 

Now my concerns are that things will only get worse as we do it more. If he isn't coming when passion is high what will happen when sex becomes more monotonous? Other than that the pure exhaustion of repeated marathon sex seasons is not appealing.

 

My experience was just the opposite. As we became more intimate and comfortable, my BF and I both cum more easily. I've never had my best sex at the beginning, though.

 

Of course there is a negative voice in my head that says that maybe he just doesn't find me attractive enough.

 

Doubt that's it.

[Emilia]

Hmm. . . changing positions will often extend sex. But, also, some men just have a really hard time cumming with a condom on. My BF didn't cum the first time we had sex. At first, it bothered me a bit --- as I want him to enjoy himself --- but we talked about it, and it's just how his body is. Every once and awhile, he has a night where he cannot cum easily enough (and applying pressure---i.e. me 'waiting' for it---doesn't help, and isn't what he personally wants). It's not a big thing, as he says it is just how he is. I get why it'd bother you the first time, though, as you want to feel attracted/wanted/etc. However, I don't think that necessary indicates it. I mean, I can't always cum either, and it rarely has anything to do with my BF. And sex still feels good (which is basically what my BF says about the subject).

 

 

sometimes I'm really glad I'm not a bloke, jeeeez. All sorts of things can affect how long someone lasts, one of them is alcohol, other is mental state. people are not machines.

 

every man is different

[EasyHeart]

Wow.

 

Every time I think the over-thinking/paranoia/insanity I see on this forum can't get any more ridiculous, someone proves me wrong.

 

Thank you for the laffos.

[depplover_1980]

Next time tell him his 'big cock has tired your sore little pussy out, but I would love to watch you make yourself come'. Most men can wank themselves into an orgasm waaay faster than we ever could, so finish the scenario this way and if he is open minded, put a little lube on your finger, put it up his bum and find his spongy sweet spot (he'll go 'YES there' when you hit it) and wait for the fireworks.

In fact this is pretty much guaranteed to work.

[Star Gazer]

Hopefully, it's just first-time nerves and things will be better next time but whatever you do don't say something like "I hope it's better this time" within his hearing!

 

Too late, I already said that

 

I cannot believe you said that. Actually, I can beleve YOU said that, but I cannot believe anyone capable of a loving relationship ever would. That's gotta be one of the most insensitive and selfish things to say to a guy about his sex skills.

 

Poor guy.

 

As for "being pounded" by a big d*ck, most of us women have been there, and have handled the situation with a LOT more grace. As Kamille and Elswyth suggested, the best thing to do is suggest a break and cite your own soreness. This makes it more about your performance than his, and takes the pressure off.

[carhill]

Reading only the OP....

 

A man who gets hard and stays hard, assuming no artificial methods are used, finds you attractive.

 

Assuming he used a condom, it's not uncommon to 'go awhile'

 

The relationship isn't doomed.

[Star Gazer]

Reading only the OP....

 

Oh boy, read more. Because based on the rest, like how she behaved...

 

The relationship isn't doomed.

 

I'd have to disagree with this.

[Jannah]

Reading only the OP....

 

A man who gets hard and stays hard, assuming no artificial methods are used, finds you attractive.

 

Assuming he used a condom, it's not uncommon to 'go awhile'

 

The relationship isn't doomed.

 

 

Carhill, be sensitive!

 

Don't you know that this:

 

"We did it three times"........

"He has no problem getting hard".........

"I'm talking 90 minutes the first time and almost 2 hours for the next 2 times".........

"Everything about him is really big, including his d%^k".......

 

Causes a sore vagina!!

 

Gee wiz, some people can be sooooooo insensitive.....

[carhill]

No worries. Looks like the thread has resolved itself. If the man in question is the 'friends first' man who took things slow, that isn't matching up with the perceived insensitivity ascribed. The OP always enjoyed the privilege of communication and directing the lovemaking process. I've yet to meet a woman who can't.

 

I hope you don't mean that I'm insensitive. That's probably not a path you'll wish to explore here. Let's stick to the OP.

[Jannah]

No worries. Looks like the thread has resolved itself. If the man in question is the 'friends first' man who took things slow, that isn't matching up with the perceived insensitivity ascribed. The OP always enjoyed the privilege of communication and directing the lovemaking process. I've yet to meet a woman who can't.

 

I hope you don't mean that I'm insensitive. That's probably not a path you'll wish to explore here. Let's stick to the OP.

 

No, not directed towards you at all.

 

You didn't catch on.

 

Anyway....I know I am being insensitive with my jesters in response to this thread and for that I apologize. I think this could have gone in the sexual health sub-forum versus the "dating" forum. Perhaps we can try to practice more sensitivity towards the people we are intimate with especially when it involves such delicate details.

 

Unless OP is happy to proclaim her guy is a hung stallion, but, I'm not really sure of the intent at this point....

[Mme. Chaucer]

OG, reading this thread actually hurt MY feelings.

 

You're afraid that the sex scenario means that he didn't find YOU attractive enough?

 

Can't you understand that that should be the least of your concerns at that time?

 

You are certainly and absolutely allowed within the parameters of decent behavior to decide that you and a guy are not sexually compatible, and for a lot of people this is a valid reason not to go forward with a relationship.

 

But to do such awful behavior to make him feel terrible? WHY would you do that?

 

Do you feel any kind of care for this guy? Or have you just been happy and excited about him ... ONLY BECAUSE HE IS GOOD LOOKING AND IS VERY INTO YOU???

 

I ask you sincerely - do you like him, care about him, have empathy for him as a human being? Are you INTERESTED in him, and in how he is feeling? Or is his ONLY purpose in your life to reflect positively upon your ego?

 

After this whole scene, which was painful to read about, you resorted to your old pattern: "He's not into me enough." Meanwhile, you just trashed a person that you are "supposed" to care for. (Quotes because that is usually a requisite part of a relationship; that the people involved CARE FOR EACH OTHER.)

 

I do believe that this guy is nuts about YOU. I cannot imagine his state of mind if he gets himself into the position to have sex with you again.

 

LOOKING AT YOUR WATCH???????? Oh My Gawd.

 

And to the complaint about taking all the pounding, and those who sympathize with that - I am certain that you knew, just like anybody else, that there were other ways of putting a stop to that without decimating your lover's feelings.

[Stung]

 

I would also like to see how many females would cope with being pounded for 5 hours over 1 night with a much larger than average d%^k.

 

Aw, OG. I have been there, and yeah, it can hurt. But what you DON'T do is behave cruelly and hurt his feelings in order to get outta there, not if you like the guy and have respect for him as a human being. It's simple enough, really, to explain to him that you're getting very sore. He's probably familiar enough with female anatomy to know that pounding into it with a large object can produce a pained response, and hopefully he's adult enough to realize that first times can be awkward for everyone. If you're into him, and your jaw is too sore to go down on him, you can follow this up by encouraging him to take care of himself while you watch and help in other ways. Tell him you think it's sexy to watch, and/or you want to see how he handles himself so you can replicate his technique later. He might have been able to come under his own hands with the condom off, and it still would have been highly sexual and more satisfying for both of you than just backing off and checking your watch and then the both of you spending the next two days floundering in anxiety and hurt feelings.

[Stung]

[Raises hand]

 

 

Listen, my bf is, uh, a marathoner. How do I communicate that I'm about done? I tell him, in a sultry voice "honey, I would love to feel you come inside of me". If that doesn't work, I eventually simply tell him, while laughing and still in the moment : "honey I need a break" (It's the code we established when we talked about the length of our sessions.)

 

The one problem bf and I have is that he often gets really close to coming and then, for some reason, doesn't come. Yes, I find it frustrating because I will often withhold my requests for a break if I think he's about to come (then he doesn't come and I feel disappointed).

 

Once, months into the relationship (because at first I loved the marathon sessions), I let him know I felt disappointed when he seemed so close to coming and then didn't come. We have since discussed better ways to approach the situation. We have a whole set of jokes that help us communicate about this. And, fortunately for us, every once in awhile, I'm in the mood for a marathon session. (Although, not often enough for him. He loves nothing more then spending the whole day in bed ).

 

My H can have this problem occasionally, as a response to a variety of things, often work-stress related. Occasionally it happens when he has been purposely staving off his O so that I could have a couple more--suddenly when he actually goes for it, it's no longer there. Usually taking a small break works for us, a few minutes to catch our breath and talk and laugh takes the pressure off. Sometimes just switching things up does the trick. Sometimes we break out the heavy-duty props and toys. And once in a while if I've gotten sore and exhausted the fallback, as mentioned above, is just to watch him take care of himself, while lending a helping hand or tongue or talking dirty in his ear.

 

I miss getting to spend all day in bed with him. Can't do that anymore, with the little guy underfoot.

 

This seems like it should be on the sex forum, doesn't it?