Bad first time sex - is relationship doomed?

[Knittress]

Maybe instead of freaking out and jumping to the worst conclusion before running away from the whole situation, you should talk to HIM about how you feel? If I were you I'd just drop it for now and give thing time to settle and then be extra-sweet and reassuring the next time you see him.

[whichwayisup]

I said: "I wish you would come faster I am getting tired"

 

Then I just stopped being into it visibly and was looking around the room, checking out the time on my watch etc

 

Next time just say "sorry, I'm getting abit sore, can we stop for a while and fool around?" Much easier than saying the above.

 

The guy was nervous and for some men it takes a little time to feel that comfort level and to "let go". It isn't just always about cumming but also a trust issue, to be vunerable and feel all the good feelings that happen after having an O.

[whichwayisup]

He responded to my text but he doesn't sound as enthusiastic as he normally is:

 

Me: Hey you , I just got home, my mum is here talk to you tomorrow.

 

Him: Ok I had a great weekend. Looking forward to checking out your place soon. (note it is not a weekend - we have public holiday here in Australia but it is middle of the week, he is clearly not focused on what he is writing at all).

 

Me: I had a great time too looking forward to seeing you on Saturday.

 

Him: You didn't really have a great time but it's OK. Hey you know that song ..... I just found out it's played by Cult.

 

Me: Nice I will check it out on iTunes.

 

-------------------------------------

 

He didn't respond. I am pretty sure he is losing interest

 

If you really like this guy, then apologize and let him know that you didn't mean to stress him out or make him feel bad.

 

slow things down, focus on other stuff, fooling around until the comfort level is there.

[Star Gazer]

I assume during the act he was pretty concerned that you were being pleased. That you were enjoying it and were happy to be with him. Instead of thinking of that you thought about yourself. You were deliberately blatantly insensitive, almost to the point of being rude. Even insulting as you looked around the room making sure he could tell you were bored out of your mind. And now you're worried the whole thing might be over?

 

What a nightmare to be with someone so impulsive and selfish. If I was him, I would have been so happy to hear the door close behind you.

 

I really have to agree, with all of this, but particularly the bolded.

 

One of my best guy friends had the same reaction with the last girl he dated, honestly. He wasn't even hurt. He concluded that she was a [expletive] all on his own.

[Star Gazer]

Him: You didn't really have a great time but it's OK.

 

WHY didn't you say something in response to this to make him feel better?

 

Argh.

 

You're choosing to destroy such a great little fledgling romance.

[Nexus One]

He didn't respond. I am pretty sure he is losing interest

 

You're taking texting way too serious. Men don't nearly take texting as seriously as women and they do it far less on average than women. Also men hate texting when they have to do it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on texting and you're trying to read too much between the lines.

 

From what I read so far the guy seems reasonable, don't worry so much.

[johan]

If you really like this guy, then apologize and let him know that you didn't mean to stress him out or make him feel bad.

 

I don't agree. I don't believe in apologizing and saying I didn't mean to do something when I actually did mean to do it.

[Star Gazer]

I don't agree. I don't believe in apologizing and saying I didn't mean to do something when I actually did mean to do it.

 

Do you think she intended to make him feel bad?

 

Or that she was just a little reckless with her actions?

[johan]

WHY didn't you say something in response to this to make him feel better?

 

Argh.

 

You're choosing to destroy such a great little fledgling romance.

 

This isn't deliberate. In order to behave otherwise requires empathy. Not after the fact, but in the moment.

 

Do you think she intended to make him feel bad?

 

Or that she was just a little reckless with her actions?

 

Put yourself in her position (so to speak). What would it take to make you behave the way she did? Could you? Even accidentally? And if you saw it had gotten to him, what would it take for you to disregard his feelings outright? No apology, no concern, except maybe for your own lost opportunity. Certainly not for his feelings.

Edited January 26, 2011 by johan

[Star Gazer]

Put yourself in her position (so to speak). What would it take to make you behave the way she did? Could you? Even accidentally? And if you saw it had gotten to him, what would it take for you to disregard his feelings outright? No apology, no concern, except maybe for your own lost opportunity. Certainly not for his feelings.

 

I see what you're saying, and no, I couldn't behave that way. I don't have it in me. But if I did, accidentally (say, by wincing [2 hours is a long time]), I would have worked twice as hard to make him comfortable and reassured - in the moment, not afterward.

 

So yeah, I understand what you're getting at.

[Nexus One]

The solution to all this seems quite simple. Next time if it takes too long again for him to climax, then simply leave it at that one climax and stop. You could/should negotiate that with him before starting the sex. That way he climaxes at least once, you then climax perhaps even multiple times in that time span, and you will not get too tired after 90 minutes.

 

Also make clear to him that the reason you acted the way you acted was out of exhaustion and that 5 hours of sex is too long for you. In order to keep things reasonable try negotiating that 1 climax, or perhaps 2 if you yourself want that.

 

Or perhaps like he said, things will improve.

[ames]

he wrote "you didnt really have a great time" and u totally ignored what he said...why? He sounds like he is really keen on you...your thinking way too much!

[Els]

I am very curious why you just didn't call it a night after the first time, instead of letting it go on for three times until you were sore as hell and started blatantly telling him to get done with it (wtf??). There is absolutely nothing wrong with just doing it once and then waiting to see if he is better the next time.

 

EVEN then, don't you think there would have been much better ways of saying it, like, "I'm sorry, honey, I'm getting too sore, perhaps another time?"???

 

Also, you are assuming so many things from just one night of sex!! As I am sure he would have noticed. He had already said he's 'understandably' nervous. Then he got the hint that he wasn't pleasing you. Performance pressure, anyone? You could probably have been Megan Fox and he still might not have cum quickly in such a situation.

Edited January 26, 2011 by Elswyth

[denise_xo]

Cut the guy some slack. Give it/him some time and work. You can't give up just because it wasn't perfect the first time around.

[Fee]

If he was in a LTR before you and hasn't had sex for a year he having to readjust to using condoms. A lot of men can't cum with condoms at first. That's just on the physical side... On the emotional side...it's early days, sex gets better the more you know each other.

[Fee]

I said: "I wish you would come faster I am getting tired"

 

Then I just stopped being into it visibly and was looking around the room, checking out the time on my watch etc

 

Oh dear, that's crushing. I'm not surprised if he has backed off after that treatment. It sounds like you were lousy in bed if this is your idea of pillow talk.

Edited January 26, 2011 by Fee

[ascendotum]

I said: "I wish you would come faster I am getting tired"

 

Then I just stopped being into it visibly and was looking around the room, checking out the time on my watch etc

 

Yipes! I have to assume this was during your 3rd round. If I encountered this with a woman during sex with her for the first time, the sex/passion would have been over for the weekend 5 seconds after I'd pulled the condom off.

And you wondered why he did not respond eagerly to your 'I'm home safe' txt. He for sure would be feeling pretty disappointed in your night together.

I agree it certainly didn't sound like great sex, but was it actually a really bad first night..and if so I don't get why you went a 3rd time.

 

This guy stayed hard the whole time, and you did multiple positions over a number of hours. There's lots of women who wouldn't be complaining with a guy going strong for 90 mins especially if they had come a number of times. Better than a 3 pump chump. Give him a break.

 

Also others comments..

Men don't nearly take texting as seriously as women - YES.

 

If he was in a LTR before you and hasn't had sex for a year he having to readjust to using condoms. - YES.

[sweetjasmine]

It took him 90 minutes the first time though. So, unless he was sexing someone else shortly before her (which it doesn't sound like he was), I don't think that's the issue...

 

Not necessarily. Some people are just built that way, and condoms make it worse. My SO is a bit like this, and in the beginning, it made him much more nervous about sex, which meant it took him even longer to relax.

 

I said: "I wish you would come faster I am getting tired"

 

Then I just stopped being into it visibly and was looking around the room, checking out the time on my watch etc

 

OG, I'm sorry, but that's very, very rude. I'm surprised he was able to come at all after you said that. I wouldn't be surprised if you had the same problem next time because I'm sure he'll be lying there thinking about what you said the first time and how you kept checking the time, and it'll make him to distracted to get into it.

 

Why haven't you apologized for what you said? It was incredibly hurtful. Stop using him to validate yourself ("if he came faster, it'd mean I'm more attractive") and please think of his feelings.

[Roadlesstaken]

I don't think the relationship is doomed. I think that he may have been nervous and did not feel very comfortable with you since it was the first time. For me, the first time is awkward, but after that game on because it gets a lot better.

[oaks]

I said: "I wish you would come faster I am getting tired"

 

Then I just stopped being into it visibly and was looking around the room, checking out the time on my watch etc

 

 

Ouch! That probably killed the mood for him, but I suppose the mood was already gone for you. I'm not suggesting you should fake enjoying it but if you're losing interest that much there might be better ways to encourage him to hurry up, or just stop and do something else.

 

Hopefully it's just first-time nerves and things will be better next time but whatever you do don't say something like "I hope it's better this time" within his hearing!

[OceanGirl]

Ouch! That probably killed the mood for him, but I suppose the mood was already gone for you. I'm not suggesting you should fake enjoying it but if you're losing interest that much there might be better ways to encourage him to hurry up, or just stop and do something else.

 

Hopefully it's just first-time nerves and things will be better next time but whatever you do don't say something like "I hope it's better this time" within his hearing!

 

 

Too late, I already said that

[Els]

..................................

 

So how did that turn out?

[OceanGirl]

The reason why we went the second and third time is that in the middle of the night we started cuddling and he got hard again. I decided to go down on him but when after 20minutes he still wasn't coming, my jaw hurt and we switched it to intercourse.

 

The third time was in the morning again we started cuddling and it went from there. He also went and bought lube before I woke up so I kind of felt obliged to use it.

 

And I only acted that way the third time.

 

Yeah I asked him to wear a condom each time which he had trouble putting on as the condom was too small (no lie, I saw it myself). He is 6'6" tall and everything about him is really big, including his d%^k.

 

In a silly way I probably wanted to do it again as I hoped that he will come quicker thus proving that I am attractive

[Emilia]

I said: "I wish you would come faster I am getting tired"

 

Then I just stopped being into it visibly and was looking around the room, checking out the time on my watch etc

 

if I were him and you had done this to me I would have got up, put my clothes on, slam the door behind me and never spoken to you again. you clearly have no manners

[SmileFace]

In a silly way I probably wanted to do it again as I hoped that he will come quicker thus proving that I am attractive

Isn't there a thread floating around here about this ... sigh.

 

Are you sure you even want a relationship?

First you mention that horrible statement to him .

Then when he brings it up - you ignore it completely.

Are you scared of this relationship working ?

 

I don't see why you need validation from anyone on your attractiveness. For the sake of life how can a "perfect" sex session even prove this?