silver68 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 This first part is long, but i have needed to get this off my chest...its why me getting over my ex has been so difficult...so confusing....thank you so much for reading and hopefully you can help me...my ex and I have dated for 5 years. They were the best years of my life. She made me so happy, and opened me up to so much. She was the girl that I wanted to marry and she was as much a part of my family as my sibling. She also said that i was the guy that she would marry. We broke up a month ago. 2 months ago, she told me that she wasn't sure if she could handle the responsibilities of a relationship anymore and needed time to think about things., ill admit our relationship had been getting tough...more on that later. She didn't want to have a break, she just needed time to think clearly without worrying about me. She went out of town for a week for a school trip and during that time, she didn't contact me much. I sent her a text everyday, just making sure she was alright and and asking how she was. I wasn't going to be the one to neglect the other person. She said she was sorry she couldnt talk much, she was trying to get more involved in the trip, which was for her major. When she got back from her trip, she came over to see me and my family. I wasn't feeling too happy about how we had left things and she felt the same way. She sat in my lap and we talked about it. She said she was so sorry for stringing me along and that she knows that she had been hurting me. She was very genuine. I told her that I still loved her and that i forgave her for needing this time to think, but that it had been hurting me. Keep in mind, we had still not ended our relationship officially..We then sat there in silence holding each other for awhile. She had to leave about 10 minutes later and we said our goodbyes and then we kissed. It was the most passionate kiss I had had with her in years. It was unlike any other kiss we had had. It was so hard to watch her go, knowing that i wouldn't see her in another week because of her busy school schedule, getting ready for finals. (I graduated last year, or else i would have been in the same position) She spent a lot of time at school, trying to get more involved with her classes and her major. She said that she wanted to kick it into gear and not slack off anymore, which i respected. We are both musicians and we had a gig together later the next week. After this gig (which had been the first time we had seen each other since the last kiss) we were getting ready to leave in separate cars, when she asked me to walk her to her car. She wanted to say bye before she left on her next trip. We said bye and then she threw her arms around me for a hug. As I let go, she went in for a kiss. It surprised me, I though she didn't want that at all. This kiss was as passionate as the last one, if not more. It made me so happy and gave me confidence that everything would be okay. She then left for another week long trip for school and the communication was about the same level. Well that week went on and it was so tough for me to handle. I missed her so much. I tried not to be too needy and weak. I just kept in contact with her to see how she was. I figured the kiss was evidence enough that she still wanted everything to work. When she got back, the week before Christmas, she said that she was very busy, trying to buy all the gifts for her family and my family that she had not had time to do before all these trips. She got back on Sunday morning and spent that day shopping. She promised we would see each other the next day. We talked on the phone on Monday and she said that she had a long day and was scheduled to work a full day. I figured not to push it and make her upset. She called later that night and we decided to meet for dinner on Tuesday. Well Tuesday came around and I picked her up from her house. She had gotten an eyebrow ring, which was very unlike her and this surprised me. She tended to make physical changes to her body when she was going through problems...like a tattoo or nose ring... I told her i felt that she was changing so much that I was having trouble seeing the girl that I knew and loved before. it wasn't that I didn't like what was happening to her, it was just that she seemed to rush into change so fast, without thinking. She said that she was changing and I had to understand. We ended up walking around the mall and then decided to talk. We had a 2 hour long conversation about what she wanted and that I no longer "fit" her. She said that we had been growing apart and that we were just basically best friends with benefits now. I agreed but wanted to know how to change it. She said it was too late for change, we had grown apart and that was that. It seemed so final, so unfair. We had run into this same problem before a few times, but it was as if we never knew what was really wrong. I know now, more than a month after all this that our problem was that we spent too much time together and didn't do enough for ourselves individually. We should have had other things in our life to make us happy and not just depend on each other to be happy. It would take me forever to explain everything that had been going on. I told my parents about our breakup the following day and we had a loooong talk. I then finally figured out everything that had been going on wrong. It seemed so simple. Too much time together, no room to breathe. Our time together started being dull because we would be bored together instead of apart. 7 days a week, almost without exceptions. We should have spent the week getting our **** together and finding other passions outside of our relationship and then spent the weekend on dates and doing interesting things. My parents said that they had seen our problems long before, but didn't want to interfere. I wish they would have. I might have been upset at first, but after awhile, i would have understood. 2 weeks later, I logged onto facebook on my phone, which i hadnt' done in months. I noticed i had a lot of messages in my inbox and so i checked it out. My ex had been the last one to login and her password and username were still logged in. I did not know this at the time....so i opened one up from some guy, still confused, and discovered a love letter from her explaining her feelings for him. This completely tore me up. I felt like my world was crumbling. And you know what???? It was dated the same day that we "officially" broke up, hours after the event!!! I confronted her and she said that she was sorry that I had seen this, but was also angry with me for this, which i understood. She swore that this was not the reason that we broke up, it was 100% that she needed time to think and wanted to focus more on school. This guy had been on both trips with her (there were also 30 other people that went) so what was i supposed to think, these feelings came out in the 2 hours after our breakup. I didnt believe her and I sent her many texts asking her why she would do this. I never called her any bad names, I simply told her that she should tell me the truth....after a day of hell and many more texts from me, not many from her, I tried to not think about it. I tried to block her out of my mind and things got a little easier. I still loved her so much, even after hearing this news. I dreamed about her night and day and hoped that she would come back. Why wouldn't she? About 2 weeks later she sent me a text saying how sorry she was for how things ended and that she wasn't angry at me or my family. She said she still cared and loved me so much. She also said that she did not want a relationship whatsoever. With anyone. She knew that any kind of relationship would hold her back from her career and school. This made me feel better, at least that she said she didn't want a relationship and that maybe she was telling the truth about our split. Well....I just heard that is now with the same guy. She was lying to me. Through all 5 years of our relationship, she was soooooo sweet and caring and we never had any trust issues whatsoever, so this is why this all hurts so much. She was and still is the absolute perfect girl for me. There are so many things that i love about her and that i appreciate. Even though we grew apart, I know see how stupid I was for taking her for granted. A huge part of me feels that it was mostly my fault we broke up. We didn't have many dates, experience many knew things, or go on trips because i wanted to save my money for our future. I also didn't care for some of her friends, so we didn't hang out in groups much. Im a quiet person, and I don't need much to be happy. I thought that we were always happy just being together, watching movies or hanging out with our families, but I went about our relationship the wrong way. I was selfish. At least I have learned what to never do again. i just feel so hollow and broken. I forgot just how amazing it feels to have someone to talk to about absolutely anything. We don't share feelings much in my family, so I guess this would be one reason that I miss that. Please help me get over her. Like i said, we never had trust issues so thats why its hard to believe my sweetheart would ever do this. She is like a completely different person. Will she get out of this phase and grown and see how great of a guy i am? Its so hard with her living 2 blocks away from my house. I feel like I can't go anywhere around where we live with the fear that i will bump into her or her family. i want to get better. I really do. I just don't know how. I don't want to be angry at her and start calling her terrible names. I don't think that would make me feel better....but how do i move on? How can i be happy? I am the kind of person that wants to settle down and get married. I know that for a fact. Im not one for playing games. I want a serious, fulfilling relationship. I just can't see myself out dating. I can't handle having my heart broken again...
Graceful Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 silver, Nice job of summarizing what happened, and while I sympathize with how badly you feel right now, I have to be honest with you and give you a little dope slap. Hope that's ok. The five years you dated are big years in terms of the way people change. They are years of growth, exploration, figuring out things like "who am I" and being allowed to run free with all of the physical, emotional, and spiritual changes that are all part of the landscape during college. So your ex, well, you have to give her a free pass, you know what I mean? She's entitled to have growing pains of her own, and she's more than justified and fair to tell you that she needs space. While I don't necessarily "approve" of the way she handled the breakup, and I don't condone it by any means, these things do happen. Would you have preferred she tell you she was interested in someone new? Perhaps. But sometimes, that's not the real reason for the breakup, it really isn't. The reason for the breakup is that she wants to explore other people, other relationships, other activities, she has growing pains, she is exploding with change and she can't sit still in her old relationship with you. It's like fitting a square peg into a round hole. Get what I mean? Just doesn't fit. You can love your old clothes, but not want to wear them any more. You can love your old shoes, but they are all worn out and you have to get new ones. You can love all the books you have read, but you don't want to read them over and over, you want to read new books ... see where I'm going, silver? she told me that she wasn't sure if she could handle the responsibilities of a relationship anymore and needed time to think about things., ill admit our relationship had been getting tough...more on that later. She had gotten an eyebrow ring, which was very unlike her and this surprised me. She tended to make physical changes to her body when she was going through problems...like a tattoo or nose ring... I told her i felt that she was changing so much that I was having trouble seeing the girl that I knew and loved before. it wasn't that I didn't like what was happening to her, it was just that she seemed to rush into change so fast, without thinking. She said that she was changing and I had to understand. We ended up walking around the mall and then decided to talk. We had a 2 hour long conversation about what she wanted and that I no longer "fit" her. I then finally figured out everything that had been going on wrong. It seemed so simple. Too much time together, no room to breathe. Our time together started being dull because we would be bored together instead of apart. 7 days a week, almost without exceptions. We should have spent the week getting our **** together and finding other passions outside of our relationship and then spent the weekend on dates and doing interesting things. You know what? I don't care about the FB information. Sick and tired of it, in fact. The guy she got interested was a SYMPTOM not a CAUSE of the breakup. She had already lost interest, she was already checked out ... and this guy was only the catalyst that pushed her over the edge. If she had been "in it" with you, she never would have even noticed this guy. She was already out the door way before she met this guy, she was just trying to get up the courage to tell you, was probably unsure, was insecure, and was immature. She's young, for crying out loud, cut her some slack, she didn't know what to do, it was her first experience, too. Try to see it that way, and get out of the "victim" role, you don't need to be a victim if you don't want to be. So cut it out. She was and still is the absolute perfect girl for me. There are so many things that i love about her and that i appreciate. Even though we grew apart, I know see how stupid I was for taking her for granted. A huge part of me feels that it was mostly my fault we broke up. It was not entirely "your fault" -- it was symptomatic of a college / transition period in your lives. It was just as much her responsibility as yours to pump life into the relationship. Neither of you spoke up. I don't think you had the maturity to speak up from the sound of it, so don't beat yourself up. Im a quiet person, and I don't need much to be happy. I thought that we were always happy just being together, watching movies or hanging out with our families, but I went about our relationship the wrong way. I was selfish. At least I have learned what to never do again. i Right. Lesson learned. NEVER, EVER make someone else you entire life, your entire existence, you are living proof of what happens when that person is no longer around. You feel like you have nothing. But what do you have? What do you like to do? Music, obviously. Any sports? Hike, bike, swim, etc.? Do arts events? Take classes? Travel? Read? Politics? Do you even know? You need to get engaged in some of your own interests, and explore who you are, too. She's not the only one. You need to make yourself a more interesting, engaged person, someone who is passionate about a few things other than being in a relationship and hanging out. That's not passion, that's passive. If you see her, you see her. Smile, wave, nod, and keep walking, at least for now. Don't talk to her, ask her questions, or open yourself up for any pain right now. She cannot and is not your friend. Not now, and don't even entertain that notion. You need to go NC immediately. No FB, no texts, nothing. No need to be angry, but if you feel it, vent. Let it out and get rid of any anger you feel. It will only fester. Name calling, are you kidding me? Nope, nope, nope!!! No name calling, do you hear me! I don't want to be angry at her and start calling her terrible names. I don't think that would make me feel better....but how do i move on? How can i be happy? I am the kind of person that wants to settle down and get married. I know that for a fact. Im not one for playing games. I want a serious, fulfilling relationship. I just can't see myself out dating. I can't handle having my heart broken again Woah, hold on a minute, will ya!! You just broke up and now you're talking about getting married and being happy all in the same breath?! You need to process what just happened. Stay in the moment. Make the necessary changes you need internally. Seek counseling. SLOW DOWN. Figure out who you are. Wanting a steady, consistent, serious relationship will happen for you, but NOT NOW. You just got out of a relationship, that last thing you need right now is another one!! Let me also tell you a little secret: no one is happy 24/7, 365 days a year. NO ONE. And if they are, they are on drugs or delusional. Seriously, life is meant to be a journey, not a destination. We all have periods of highs and deep lows, and that is what we are here for, to manage everything that is thrown at us. You need to go through the pain of a breakup to discover who you are, get back on track, and do better the next time. In the end, the break up will serve as the opening for the next chapter of your life. A beautiful, fulfilling relationship awaits you in due time. Work on yourself. Go NC with your ex immediately, work on accepting the loss and take care of yourself. That's your number one priority. Take care.
Author silver68 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Graceful, Thank you so much for replying. I helps me to hear other peoples thoughts and advice. "What do you like to do? Music, obviously. Any sports? Hike, bike, swim, etc.? Do arts events? Take classes? Travel? Read? Politics? Do you even know? You need to get engaged in some of your own interests, and explore who you are, too. She's not the only one. You need to make yourself a more interesting, engaged person, someone who is passionate about a few things other than being in a relationship and hanging out. That's not passion, that's passive." This is exactly what I need. I have needed a passion in my life for some time. I absolutely love music and I love making music. I picked up Latin percussion, (congas) over the last year and I now have the time to really work at it. It always makes me feel good. I also started exercising a lot, especially the last month. I have been looking into volunteering because I can get to know some truly great, unselfish people. I have also started to reconnect with my friends, something I had lost through our relationship. I didn't meant to say I want to jump into a marriage right now, I just meant that it was something I look forward to in a few years, if I find the right person. In other words, im not afraid of long-term commitment. A serious relationship is not what I need right now, Its just difficult not having a way to express myself. Maybe I would like to date, or at least talk to some other girls, just to get out of my box. I'm working on building up my confidence. This whole experience left me pretty weak and I'm not a weak person. NC seems to be absolutely what I need. I was doing better a few weeks ago before I made contact again. I know there is a girl out there that will appreciate me for who i am. I just have to work on myself, like you said. Any other advice? I know that my situation is not an uncommon thing.
Graceful Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 hi silver! Glad you took the advice in the spirit in which it was given -- to help you. I honestly think you're off to a good start already, from what you said. You not only make yourself a more interesting person to others, but you need to be interesting TO YOURSELF. I love myself when I am engaged in the activities I enjoy, for me, a big one is fitness and yoga, living a healthy lifestyle and getting together with friends I enjoy. I feel so great after any of those activities and I am filled with joy. What you need is to feel happiness and joy ALL ON YOUR OWN. You go out and feel happy because you've had a good time engaging in something you enjoy, not because of another person. You can only imagine the multitude of joy that happens when you START OUT HAPPY, and then meet someone ... it's the icing on the cake! Not the cake!! Do you see what I mean? Latin percussion sounds like a great thing to pursue, it's music, and very physical at the same time. It must pump a lot of energy into you. Love it. Volunteering or joining a club like the AMC or Sierra or that has to do with any activities you'd like to pursue will automatically put you in social places where you have something in common right off the bat. It's very easy to make small talk or a new friend on that basis, and you will meet lots of other people who are also there for the first time. The more you do, the easier it gets. Makes sense, doesn't it? No, your sitch is not uncommon ... but don't belittle it, either. I know it hurts. Listen, I was cheated on and lied to ... do you think it made it easier for me to know that it happens to thousands of other people? Not at the time! I was so hurt, nothing anyone could do or say really helped me, but over time, I did all of the things I am describing to you, and I recovered, and I am living proof, if I can do it anyone can. I was only pulling your leg a little about going out and thinking about marriage right now ... just trying to make you laugh a little .... I know you're not going to rush into anything or think about that just yet. But knowing that you want a committed relationship and marriage is wonderful in my book. It also means that when you date, you will want to watch for someone who wants that, too, someone who has clear direction. Probably someone a lot more mature than you ex, if you see what I mean. Primary advice: NC. NC. NC. Have I made myself clear? You said so yourself, you were doing well, and then you made contact, and how did that make you feel. Pretty awful. So I think NC speaks for itself. Stay on LS. Get support. Get off the sofa and get out of the house. Force yourself a little bit. And I meant everything I said before, see that the break up was just the end of a chapter. One chapter. More chapters await. I get a very good feeling about you. Get to know yourself, and like yourself first, no matter what you do. I am sure there is lots to love about you, but you have to do that first, then everything else will fall into place. Don't get discouraged. Keep the faith. And take good care. Listen to your parents, too, they sound like nice people. Love, Grace Graceful, Thank you so much for replying. I helps me to hear other peoples thoughts and advice. "What do you like to do? Music, obviously. Any sports? Hike, bike, swim, etc.? Do arts events? Take classes? Travel? Read? Politics? Do you even know? You need to get engaged in some of your own interests, and explore who you are, too. She's not the only one. You need to make yourself a more interesting, engaged person, someone who is passionate about a few things other than being in a relationship and hanging out. That's not passion, that's passive." This is exactly what I need. I have needed a passion in my life for some time. I absolutely love music and I love making music. I picked up Latin percussion, (congas) over the last year and I now have the time to really work at it. It always makes me feel good. I also started exercising a lot, especially the last month. I have been looking into volunteering because I can get to know some truly great, unselfish people. I have also started to reconnect with my friends, something I had lost through our relationship. I didn't meant to say I want to jump into a marriage right now, I just meant that it was something I look forward to in a few years, if I find the right person. In other words, im not afraid of long-term commitment. A serious relationship is not what I need right now, Its just difficult not having a way to express myself. Maybe I would like to date, or at least talk to some other girls, just to get out of my box. I'm working on building up my confidence. This whole experience left me pretty weak and I'm not a weak person. NC seems to be absolutely what I need. I was doing better a few weeks ago before I made contact again. I know there is a girl out there that will appreciate me for who i am. I just have to work on myself, like you said. Any other advice? I know that my situation is not an uncommon thing.
Author silver68 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Graceful, It's amazing. I was never the person that would seek help about anything online. I have always held things inside, maybe a symptom of being Scandinavian or just how I grew up, idk. Scandinavians are so reserved! You have to let it out! I don't know what I was thinking. There are so many wonderful people online and on LS that just want to help. It gives me hope Im sure I will post on here if I need any other advice in the future. Maybe sooner than later. Just knowing there are people that want to help is so amazing I want to be happy with myself more than anything and I will do whatever it takes. I'm sure going out in the world and meeting new people will be eye-opening. I will be NC. I won't meet to talk (I suggested that the other day for this weekend, but I won't do it) I promise. I'm moving on I hope you are happy wherever you are in life, in a relationship or single. You seem like a wonderful person
Recommended Posts