nithing Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 My ex and I were dating for 8 months, however, it was only the last three months before it ended that we were very serious. We spent every second of our free time together (we are both attend college and have a significant amount of work) and we completely in love. We literally couldn't spent more than a couple days without each other, or a couple hours not texting. Our relationship was HIGHLY passionate, which also led to intense, heated fights over trivial matters many times. He broke it off end of November and we very flip-floppy in terms of reasoning. One second, it was because I was not mature enough for a serious relationship and I couldn't give him what he wanted, next thing was he didn't know what he wanted. One and a half months passed with no contact on my terms; he did text me occasionally and would say how he wanted to talk. I thought enough was enough and that we should talk again, mostly because I wanted to see what he wanted from me. We met up and we both expressed that we missed each other a lot; I mean, things were going really well and the break up was out of the blue. I discovered that we went back home and slept with his ex girlfriend (who he keeps going back to whenever a relationship doesn't work out). I guess I came to the conclusion that the real reason for the break up was because he wanted to be able to sleep with his ex, for whom he recently admitted he still had feelings for. However, he stated that he loved me, and was extremely emotionally attached to me, missed me as a friend etc. I knew that he definitely was in love with me, and still is, in love with me. I'm guessing he's conflicted with his own emotions. He still loves his ex (who will always be waiting for him to come home) while he still loved me but realized there were problems in the relationship which were apparently severe enough to cause a breakup despite the love. All this being said, he told me that he'd like to continue hanging out with me as a friend, to which I refused. After all this time, he said that he wanted to be single. Not to date other women, but instead because he wanted to learn how to be happy alone. I understand this, however, I have told him many times, to which he's agreed, that I make him really happy. He also said that he wanted to "find himself" and needed time alone to figure out these things. It is pretty clear that he isn't too happy and is just as lonely as I am (he doesn't have another girl), however, he doesn't want a relationship. Period. Not just with me or some other girl. I am at a complete loss. I am definitely moving on with my life, and doing the necessary steps to become happy again. It's just I have never come across a situation like this. It's like a "grass is greener on the other side" type scenario. Except he isn't happier on the other side, but instead is TRYING to be happy being single. I guess he realized he was way too dependent on me for his happiness, which is why he realized this needed to change before he could date me or some other girl again.
Kansas Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 As hard as it is, give him the space that he is asking for and let him figure 'it' out, whatever 'it' is on his own. He won't figure it out any faster with you in the picture, and you'll only get hurt in the process because he is coming from a place of confusion. As much as you love him, you need him to be as certain about you, as you are about him.
D-Lish Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Personally I would find it impossible to reconcile with the fact that someone I loved still had unresolved feelings for his ex. The fact that he ran back to his ex and slept with her immediately following your break up would seal his fate for me. The bottom line is that he isn't capable of giving you what you want or deserve- so it's really up to you to love yourself and walk away. He may claim to be lonley and miserable without you, but his actions aren't backing up those claims. Someone that truly loved you would move mountains to be with you, and that's the way love should be. If he's not inclined to commit to you, that should be all the incentive you need to walk away from him and this situation. It's never easy to make this kind of decision, because your heart is invested in this guy. But he's got to make up his mind- and be all in, or all out.
Author nithing Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Thanks Kansas for your response. I knew that not contacting him after the break up would be the best course of action. It lasted for 1 and a half months until I saw him on the street (he didn't see me) and I realized that I couldn't live in fear anymore. We talked, even though he was extremely mad that I ignored him and even after I explained why, he still was. Anyway, I realized that I need to leave me alone, after talking to him recently, but I'm also really scared he's just saying those things to not hurt me, and that he'll meet another girl soon and forget my existence. I really do understand when people say that if they love someone, they would never let them leave, because in my situation, this is definitely not the case. Yes, I loved him and set him free, and while he did come back, it was because he wanted to be friends. How can someone be merely friends with someone who they claim (and I believe) they love and care and are so emotionally attached to? I guess his desire for independence, freedom, self discovery and the ability to be happy without a girlfriend trumped all the love we had.
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