brainygirl Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I have an old friend who was actually my very best friend in grade school. We grew apart in high school and haven't seen each other in over ten years. He's either gay and wanting a family or bi sexual. I know he's been with men and women. And he and I have been texting and he says he thinks we could make a life together. On the one hand, that's very flattering to hear, but on the other, its a little terrifying. I've known he is attracted to men since we were like 14 or 15. I feel like if it men he likes, it would be unfair and unhealthy to both of us to go into a relationship. Then there's the fact that he lives in another state from me and we haven't been around each other in so long. I'm confused. I don't think he's just messing with me, but I sometimes wonder if he just doesn't want a family of his own bad enough that he thinks he can "fake" being straight. Thoughts?
Trimmer Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Wow - it seems a little quick, if you haven't had contact in 10 years - to jump right out to sharing a life together and starting a family. It does make it sound like he might be groping for something out of some sense of desperation or seeking something he perceives as a "safe bet" to move forward. (And please don't perceive that as me saying you are only worthy of being a desperation choice - nothing is farther from my mind. I'm talking about his emotional state here...) Do you have any idea whether there has been anything happen in his life - whether sudden, or something (or things) unfolding over some period of time - that has brought him to this point of making such a life-defining decision? Is he scared and grasping for safety? Is he hurt and looking to "become complete" and heal? Is he disappointed with the way his path has taken him, and is looking to go back to what he perceives as a sure thing?
Author brainygirl Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 I know he really wants a family and that traditional family life. He never had that as a kid, of course neither did I, and I think he feels like he has to start making serious changes in order to get that. And we know each other's secrets. I think he feels like I'm "safer" than trying to get to know a whole new person. In a way, I can understand that feeling.
Trimmer Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I know he really wants a family and that traditional family life. He never had that as a kid, of course neither did I, and I think he feels like he has to start making serious changes in order to get that. And we know each other's secrets. I think he feels like I'm "safer" than trying to get to know a whole new person. In a way, I can understand that feeling. Oh my gosh, I do too... Especially after my marriage broke up, I sometimes fantasized/wondered about going back to one of my earlier relationships, because returning to a "known quantity" seemed just SO much safer than the unknown of striking out on a new quest. Anyway, it sounds like there are really at least two layers to your issue - the first is, what's going on with the quick jump to "spending our lives together", and the second is, based on what you believe of his sexual orientation, is this feasible/sustainable/even-a-good-idea? Where are you in all of this? Is one of these questions really the dominant one? If he were a 100% card-carrying hetero - straight as an arrow - would you be inclined to consider the offer? If so, what would be the next step? Are you guys close enough that you could date, or at least meet and hang out to get to know each other? That's how we used to do it in the old days...
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I sorta remember you from other posts... and you owe it to yourself to shop around for somebody who is and will always be FULLY available to you. This one is somebody just jonesing to get tangled up with you for long enough to dismantle much of your world when he finally fesses up to wanting sausage and no eggs.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 If I were you, I won't go for the relationship with any bi sexual person... Its not safe for a woman to be with that kind of person, because everybody want love trust and support in life and this kind of person can not give it... Its better get a good man who can be only your man... That's not true. A bisexual can be just as loving supportive and trustable as a straight or gay person. I mean... don't straight and gay people cheat? It would be one thing if she did not know the guy and he lied about being bisexual and would sneek around.... He isn't he honestly for whatever reason wants to me with her.
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