To quote John Melloncamp: “I Need a Lover Who Won’t Drive Me Crazy!”

[delightful1]

I’ll do my best to keep this to the abridged version. I met a man in my early 20’s, we will call him Justin. Now in my late 20’s and as a result of this frustrating relationship, I find myself approaching the fetal position. (And let me say, there is nothing appealing about a grown woman in fetal position.) I’ve given up on friends and family for advice/support alas, I am turning to strangers. My last stop is EAP (Employee Assistance Program), please don’t let me resort to this.

 

There is about 7 years between Justin and myself. He was a vendor that had weekly deliveries to my job at the time. He appeared shy, which is so fascinating considering my very outgoing ways. I’d say we connected almost immediately; a definite chemistry was in the air. I recall him calling me the exact evening we exchanged phone numbers. We talked for a while that night. Several attempts were made to go out proceeding that phone call, but something on his end would inevitably come up. Eventually we did end up meeting for coffee. From there we would text frequently and meet for lunch occasionally, never any after hours activities. I eventually became frustrated with him and his mixed signals. While I expressed my frustration it didn’t seem to do any good. I took the “mature highway” and began ignoring him. I would ignore him solidly until he I’d have a moment of weakness. This only resulted in a game of cat-and-mouse. This cat-and-mouse approach went on for a while. Eventually, at the suggestion of a friend, I gave him an ultimatum: date me or get out of my life. If I could turn back time (a la Cher!) I would have handled this differently. None the less, he admitted to having feelings for me but was worried what it would mean for our friendship, which he truly valued. At that point, he confessed to sabotaging many of his past relationships and didn’t want to jeopardize what we had. To which I responded with some ridiculous cliché that went something like it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. After further discussion, he decided that he did want to become more serious with me. A month went by and nothing in our relationship changed – nothing. We would text daily and met for lunch maybe once. Crickets. Chirping.

 

Frustrated, I ended up telling him to remove him self from my life, to never contact me again. After six months of silence, he texted me, I ignored him. I heard from him (and ignored him) about every six months for two years, until he actually called me. He left me a message and said he really needed to talk to me. Curious, I agreed to meet him for drinks on my side of town. As a result of our happy hour, he admitted he was wrong for the way he handled himself, apologized and proceeded to tell me how he needed me in his life. He flattered me with many compliments regarding appearance, personality and success. Through tears and White Zinfandel I tried to clarify why it was so important for me to be in his life. I said some very mean and rude things, he continued to admit he messed and up continually apologized. To this day, I still have no clarity.

From that day, we began conversing often and met for lunch a few times. During our first lunch after the tearful not so happy hour, he randomly asked me why I didn’t want children. I proceeded to explain that kids weren’t, and never have been a priority, he seemed to accept it.

 

Fast forward two months from that day, I receive a random text from him indicating that he wanted a kid. Without really qualifying it, I took this as his way of telling me it would never work between us. And so I merged onto the ‘mature highway’ yet again and began ignoring him. A few months later, in the midst of pursuing a new romantic relationship, I found myself thinking about him, often. I ended up ending the romantic relationship and contacted Justin. He responded immediately.

 

Six months to date, we have kept in contact. This time around, we have expanded from lunch dates to after hour events. Much to my frustration, I still can’t wrap my brain around this mans intentions?

 

Other key facts and factors:

 

- I know very few of his friends and he knows even fewer of my friends.

 

- We have a mutual contact who began for me, as a professional contact. While there is a fairly significant age difference between myself and this contact, we have become friends. She has witnessed Justin and I together and is convinced by the way he looks at me and acts around that he has feelings for me.

 

- Often, I can feel him looking at me and feel that same chemistry I felt on day one.

 

- We have not kissed, nor has their been any intimacy. Neither of us are Amish or part of the Duggar family.

 

- I’d describe myself as bubbly, approachable, sarcastic, quick witted, honest, direct, confident, aggressive and a side of all around fun. I don’t take life too seriously. When I’m around him, or faced with openly discussing things with him relating to us, I turn into someone I have never met – shy, awkward and guarded.

 

- I’ve been in two serious relationships, both in which ended with the other person cheating. I’d be lying if I said those wounds were healed.

 

- Throughout my relationship with Justin I have dated many men and even engaged in a serious relationship.

 

I’m not a patient person, but this, if anything is teaching me to be patient. I think of him constantly but still remain unsure of him and where I stand with him. I admit that my behavior hasn’t helped. So I ask you, my forum friends…what should a girl think? How does one proceed without coming across insecure or desperate?

[Jazzari]

Get him drunk, trip him and beat him to the floor.

 

OK, maybe that's a little extreme. But I think it's time to kick it into gear. Maybe he's overthinking things. Maybe you should make a physical move and see what happens.

[xpaperxcutx]

I would have removed myself a long---gg time ago. What exactly about him that is so attractive that you are willing to accept his crumbs?

 

By god, you're hungry, and you need a cake!

[delightful1]

Perhaps I am the one overthinking things?! The thought of making a physical move makes me uncomfortable. Anyone else...not a problem. Him? Fear sets in.

 

Honestly - I think it is 50% mystery, 50% chemistry that keeps me coming back.

[jane100]

Great title for a post by the way ...

 

I have nothing to say about this confusion and irrationality, but unfortunately I do know where you are coming from :(.

 

Perhaps you just need to keep dating other people, getting on with your life, etc (though time scale of this seems quite long for what it is especially with no sex to mix it up).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

To quote John Melloncamp: “I Need a Lover Who Won’t Drive Me Crazy!”

 

 

Think I'd rather have Pat Benatar ! (in more ways than one)

 

 

 

(yes, even now... )