I have to FINALLY let him go!!

[msbrightside]

Hi Everyone.. I am a newbie and would love your advice since I've lurked for a couple of days and see that many of you have your sh*t together.

 

I'll try to give background as briefly as I can:

 

I am a MW (WS) who was dumped about a month ago by my AP after 18 mos. From the beginning this affair became WAY more intense than either of us could have guessed on every level. His W found out about 6 mos into it and we tried NC, but he came back less than a week later proclaiming that I am the "love of his life".

 

When she found out again a few mos later, she threw him out and filed for divorce. He begged her for a final chance, went to MC, and went radio silent on me. That time I lost it.. did all kinds of crazy, desperate things to keep him in my life... and in the end she did not give him a final chance. She made it clear that she did not want to reconcile and, interestingly enough, started seeing her own MM.

 

Throughout this my own H remained in the dark. If he was suspicious, he may have been in "don't ask;don't tell" mode. My H travels a lot for work so he is not around much. Not sure what he thinks/knows.

 

So last month H and I experienced a death in the family. I called my xMM (whose divorce just became final) to tell him that I was not leaving my husb right now in the midst of this grief. I also said that I understand if he wants to end our relationship and go find someone who is available. His reply was that he loves me and wants me and no one else.

 

Then 5 days later my AP calls me to tell me (a) he loves me but is not IN love with me and (b) he has met someone "interesting" but he is not sure where it will lead, if anywhere. Well, this left my head spinning and I was a total mess. I texted him throughout the holidays and could not get him out of my thoughts, when I should have been focusing my energy on my family, my friends, and ME! He replied immediately to all my stupid texts but when I asked him to call me he said he wasn't ready to talk on the phone yet. Not once has he initiated contact with me since he called to dump me. Through texts we agreed to be "just friends". Whatever the hell that means.

 

My last dumb text was 3 days ago (he replied immediately) and I haven't texted since. That's great and all but I feel like I am totally white-knuckling it. After going thru shock, denial, begging, and rage, I now miss everything about him/and us and I am very sad. Plus what do I do if he actually does contact me???

 

I realize how selfish I am being; how unfair and disrespectful I have been to my H, even if he is unaware. Only now is the guilt starting to set in actually.

 

Please give me some reasons why NC is the best thing to do for all parties involved. It's not that I can't surmise many of them myself, but I need to get out of my head and hear it from someone else. I truly appreciate you reading all this!!

[MissRealEyez]

Why you should stay NC? Hmm the list may be too long to type.

 

FBS here happily reconciled

 

1.) You are MARRIED.

2.) You are MARRIED.

3.) Your are MARRIED.

4.) You are MARRIED.

 

I was going to post some long winded post but then felt there was no need for it since the above short and sweet list pretty much sums it up as to why you should remain no contact.

[woinlove]

While I agree being married is a good reason for you to maintain NC, being married didn't stop you before, so you may not find it a compelling reason.

 

Another reason is that your xMM told you he is not in love with you and may be interested in someone else. It is really tough making a go at it with your AP, where you know you both deceived others to get to where you are and you have the history of a hidden relationship which, while it may bring incredible highs, also typically brings guilt and loss of self-esteem. Your xMM ended his marriage in an awful way, but maybe he will learn and do better. He has a better chance with someone who wasn't involved in that awful behavior. Same goes for you. If you want to be an honest and trustworthy person, you can start now. Contacting xMM only drives you farther away from being a trustworthy person. Expect better of yourself and maintain NC as one step to that better self.

[fooled once]

Why you should stay NC? Hmm the list may be too long to type.

 

FBS here happily reconciled

 

1.) You are MARRIED.

2.) You are MARRIED.

3.) Your are MARRIED.

4.) You are MARRIED.

 

I was going to post some long winded post but then felt there was no need for it since the above short and sweet list pretty much sums it up as to why you should remain no contact.

 

I agree.

 

If you want to engage in an affair, please let your H know so he can have all the facts and make up his own mind for his own life.

 

Doesn't sound like this MM was ever really in love with you - he was enjoying the secrecy and the fantasy of it all. He never left his wife for you - she dumped him. And he has found someone else. People in love don't fall out of love so quickly for someone "interesting".

 

Why don't you tell your H? I am shocked the MM's wife hasn't told your H. If I were in her shoes, I would have.

 

I hope you can find the strength to make a decision once and for all.

[msbrightside]

While I agree being married is a good reason for you to maintain NC, being married didn't stop you before, so you may not find it a compelling reason.

 

Another reason is that your xMM told you he is not in love with you and may be interested in someone else. It is really tough making a go at it with your AP, where you know you both deceived others to get to where you are and you have the history of a hidden relationship which, while it may bring incredible highs, also typically brings guilt and loss of self-esteem. Your xMM ended his marriage in an awful way, but maybe he will learn and do better. He has a better chance with someone who wasn't involved in that awful behavior. Same goes for you. If you want to be an honest and trustworthy person, you can start now. Contacting xMM only drives you farther away from being a trustworthy person. Expect better of yourself and maintain NC as one step to that better self.

 

Thanks, everyone, for replying. The above comment is really resonating with me. I am trying to figure out, specifically, why I entered into the A. As far as love b/t myself and my AP goes? It certainly looked like love and felt like love.. we talked about us being married, having kids together.. we shared all of the tender and beautiful moments of bliss...

 

But the facts are that his exW DID dump him in the end (not other way around) and, while I have considered divorce and building a legit relationship with my xMM, I never acted on it. I can't say what I would do if my H found out. But I do know that I will need to tell him if I do decide to stay married.

 

Also, his xW did try to tell my husb via a PM through FB. I intercepted it and then blocked her on his acct. She didn't get a reply and didn't try again.

 

So is it all just a crazy love game??? Not real for either of us?? I can't figure out why I want this man in my life!! Why can't I just move on??

[YellowShark]

Then 5 days later my AP calls me to tell me (a) he loves me but is not IN love with me and (b) he has met someone "interesting" but he is not sure where it will lead, if anywhere.

 

Ahhhh... LMFAO! The old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line.

 

I have to say msbrightside you're now really seeing the real guy™ you threw your husband under a bus for. I have three things to say:

 

1) Please seek therapy and try to figure out why you threw your husband under a bus for another married man.

 

2) Like many OW you are/were just a piece of ass to your married AP.

 

3) Take this experience as a lesson that if they'll cheat with you... theyll cheat on you.

 

Best of luck.

[woinlove]

So is it all just a crazy love game??? Not real for either of us?? I can't figure out why I want this man in my life!! Why can't I just move on??

 

All the feelings you had were real. But whether they were love, or what kind of love, is another matter. People often dismiss feelings of attraction, infatuation, and the heady in-love, desire type feelings that come when people are vulnerable and getting some emotional need met by another. But these are strong feelings that can drive people to extreme behaviors. Now true love that wants nothing but the best for the other person, you probably will find with time that is not the kind of love you shared after all.

 

You probably want this man in your life because of how he made you feel. You probably are missing something in your life and rather than doing the work to put it into your life in a constructive and honest way, you found it, or some of it, with this man.

 

As to moving on, you say it has been a month and your affair had lasted 18 months. It takes time to completely move on, but as long as you are trying every day to focus on more positive, loving and honest actions, you will be on the path to moving on.

[awkward]

I can't say what I would do if my H found out. But I do know that I will need to tell him if I do decide to stay married.

 

Also, his xW did try to tell my husb via a PM through FB. I intercepted it and then blocked her on his acct. She didn't get a reply and didn't try again.

 

 

Ms. B if she tried to contact him she will probably try again. It might not be tomorrow or next month, but eventually she will probably try again. I'm sure your husband would rather be told by you than her.

 

I'm sorry that you got the ILYBINILWY line.

[IfiKnewThen]

just my thoughts as i was reading this post.

 

its interesting how when he was with his wife he was with you too. (while he was tied down)

 

but when he's free he wants to be with someone free too.

 

he serves all his needs doesnt he? he sounds like a selfish person. i am NOT judging him. judge not least ye be judged. BUT i am saying i think he has a bit of a selfish personality trait. as someone once told me...you dodged a bullet.

 

try to find something redeeming about your husband. try to work on your isssues with him. the thing youre crazing now about the OM is/was his attention towards you and the supposed option he brought to the table. BUT he is no real option of solution at all. he compounded your problems in the end. you feel betrayed. but think real hard long and clear. you didnt leave your husband for a reason. you had your doubts about this guy or doubts that your husband was worth leaving. either way...you werent prepared for this money wrench thrown in the works now. see it as a blessing rather than a curse. pray a lot if your heeart is broken. dont let him derail you from your original intentions of getting YOUR life and marriage together. keep very busy and start to live your life with the mindset you are not with him anymore . dont go in for hope. that will drag it out and make you fight for him and could be missing valuable time with your husband. then you might really regret it someday and even hate this guy more. dont let him steal anymore time from you or your marriage.

[msbrightside]

Ms. B if she tried to contact him she will probably try again. It might not be tomorrow or next month, but eventually she will probably try again. I'm sure your husband would rather be told by you than her.

 

 

Thanks for your reply. Yeah but their divorce is now final. She wants nothing to do with him (other than co-parenting) and I really don't think she cares about my life as she has moved on. I could be wrong of course...

 

And thanks for the support, IfIKnew, I had not considered what you've said here. I appreciate that.

 

I know I have a long road ahead working on myself. I'm trying so hard to look at this entire experience as if I am one of you, from a place of objectivity. Otherwise I will pick up that gd phone!! I just started counseling this week. This forum is like counseling too and I am so glad I am here.

[YellowShark]

Yeah but their divorce is now final. She wants nothing to do with him...

 

Well if your husband had cheated on you for 18 months, then broke it off to fix your marriage, and then cheated again, then begged you for a final chance, went to MC with you, and then cheated AGAIN with someone else... I bet you'd want nothing to do with him either.

 

I know I have a long road ahead working on myself. I'm trying so hard to look at this entire experience as if I am one of you, from a place of objectivity.

 

I think the big thing to take away from all this is affairs are generally unhealthy and are ultimately doomed. Very rarely do they end up with a happy fairytale ending. Personally I could never trust a person who cheated with me because I would always wonder if they would also end up cheating on me.

 

I just started counseling this week. This forum is like counseling too and I am so glad I am here.

 

That's wonderful news. You deserve to be happy and cheating married men are a unhealthy way to find happiness and validation.

 

Good luck.

[Owl]

Thanks, everyone, for replying. The above comment is really resonating with me. I am trying to figure out, specifically, why I entered into the A. As far as love b/t myself and my AP goes? It certainly looked like love and felt like love.. we talked about us being married, having kids together.. we shared all of the tender and beautiful moments of bliss...

 

But the facts are that his exW DID dump him in the end (not other way around) and, while I have considered divorce and building a legit relationship with my xMM, I never acted on it. I can't say what I would do if my H found out. But I do know that I will need to tell him if I do decide to stay married.

 

Also, his xW did try to tell my husb via a PM through FB. I intercepted it and then blocked her on his acct. She didn't get a reply and didn't try again.

 

So is it all just a crazy love game??? Not real for either of us?? I can't figure out why I want this man in my life!! Why can't I just move on??

 

So...the affair is over, and that's where you're at.

 

The question becomes...what do you do from here?

 

It seems to me that you've got a damaged marriage no matter how you look at it. If it wasn't damaged before your affair, it certainly is now.

 

What are you going to do about it?

 

Work on rebuilding your marriage?

 

File a divorce since you're no longer "in love" with your H?

 

Continue on with things just how they are, no positive changes in any direction?

 

What's your GOAL? Happy marriage? Happy single life?

 

Figure out what it is that you WANT. Then work out a gameplan to get there.

 

But it starts with you picking a direction to move in.

[msbrightside]

So...the affair is over, and that's where you're at.

 

The question becomes...what do you do from here?

 

It seems to me that you've got a damaged marriage no matter how you look at it. If it wasn't damaged before your affair, it certainly is now.

 

What are you going to do about it?

 

Work on rebuilding your marriage?

 

File a divorce since you're no longer "in love" with your H?

 

Continue on with things just how they are, no positive changes in any direction?

 

What's your GOAL? Happy marriage? Happy single life?

 

Figure out what it is that you WANT. Then work out a gameplan to get there.

 

But it starts with you picking a direction to move in.

 

Yep, Owl, that is def the question! I really wish I knew the answer now, but I just don't. Not yet. My marriage has been damaged for years. Both my H and I never acknowledged let alone worked on our issues. But I'm fairly certain my choice to have an A originated in problems with ME and not the marriage per se. I guess my first task it to figure out what the hell is wrong with me!!!

 

And am I an addict?? I am only day 4 of NC w my xOM, who seemingly never truly gave a damn about me, and it feels like minutes are HOURS! I am completely consumed with not picking up the phone to demand answers, get clarity about everything in those stupid texts, just to hear his voice!

 

My goal? It changes with the damn wind right now! How ridiculous! Sometimes I want to work toward having a happy and fulfilling marriage for both my H and I. Sometimes I want to be single and alone for a while. Sometimes I want to ride off into the sunset with the good memories of xOM. (not the real man he's shown himself to be) Ugh.

 

But thank you all, again, for your time and your comments!! It is helping me so much to get out of this alphabet soup of thoughts and feelings in my head. I don't want to be a liar, a cheater, a manipulator.. I have to find the real me again.