Antithesis Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 So, simple scenario: My boyfriend and I have been dating/living together for 2 and a half years. We are both in our mid/late 20s. Very serious relationship (the one). A year or so ago, his sister put up a photo on facebook in an "old family photos" album that had him and an old ex of his in it (and the rest of his family). It really offended me and I told my boyfriend that, and he understood (he detagged himself). I even shared my feelings with his mother. She said that she had a photo in her room that had him and that ex (and some cousins) in it up on her wall. And that she should take it down. . . . yet she never has... It really bothers me and I find it a bit disrespectful. Any advice? Talk to her again? I am not interested in looking like I am giving her orders...
Eeyore79 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I agree, it was disrespectful of his sister to post such a photo of your bf and his ex on Facebook. He de-tagged himself, but ideally he should have asked her to remove it. His mother having a photo of his ex is slightly less disrespectful because it's not on public display, but it's still insensitive and somewhat disrespectful of her to keep it. Having said that, your bf should be the one who is standing up and telling his family to lose their photos of the ex because their relationship is over and he's with you now. My mom had a photo of me and my ex which she kept because it was a good photo of me and she liked him, and she had it in a frame in the dining room. I complained and she moved it to the bedroom, saying she'd change the photo in the frame when she had time. A few months later I went into her room for something and saw that she still had the photo, so I removed it myself, tore it up and trashed it. Never mind offending any future boyfriends - I found it disrespectful that she had kept a photo of someone whom I had chosen not to have in my life any more. I felt that by keeping the photo of us together she was ignoring my wishes to erase all traces of him from my life, especially after I already asked her to get rid of it.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Something I didn't see suggested, you might have already done it. Get some new "family" photos to replace the old ones with the ex in it. When the mom and sis both have new photos, they will probably gladly remove the old ones. Sometimes where there is a brick wall you can keep smashing into it, or you can find a way around it
Hazel_eyes Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I have the same issue with my husband's family. They really wanted him to marry the girlfriend he was in a relationship with before me, but he didn't feel that way and had broken up with her. So when I came along they were already against me They have photos of this girl all over their house and in many photo albums too. I didn't say anything, but made it a point to do what Duckduckgoose said and take lots of family photos with them. They kept all photos of her up, and on top of that there is not a single photo of me anywhere in their house! The photos I took with them would be printed, but only the ones that I wasn't in. It has been 5 years since he has been with that girl and we've been married for 3 years...I'm not even in any of the wedding photos they printed. Try the family photo thing and see if it works. If it doesn't then try your best to not let it destroy you. It is disrespectful of them, however I found that no matter what I did his family decided what they thought of me before they knew me, so if this somehow ends up the case for you then remember that you are special and that they are only shaming themselves by their behavior. I completely agree that your SO should be the one standing up for you! I personally think they are disrespecting him even more then you in this situation. He needs to stand up for you both of you, if he hasn't already. My mother in law is a photo taking fanatic so theres lots of pictures unfortunately, but when my husband runs across pictures of his ex he throws them away.
Author Antithesis Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Hazel - that sounds like an extremely bad situation - my heart goes out to you. I am not sure how you deal with that, at all. I know I could not.
D-Lish Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 My ex mother in law displayed photo's of my H with his ex all over their house- and she never took them down or moved them in the 8 years we were together. She's also like to talk about his ex in front of me- re-hashing old memories- giving my H updates of what she heard his ex was up to in front of me. It drove me crazy, and I discussed it with him- but he was too scared of confrontation with his mother, and he never asked her to tone it down- so I just learned to live with it. According to my exH, his mother didn't even like his ex gf very much, so I knew she did it to get under my skin and create unecessay drama. After we broke up and he got remarried, he told me that his mother still keeps pictures of me in their house, and brings up me in front of his new wife. The thing is, you simply can't control what other people do, and the bottom line is that it's their problem. It's a little vindictive, and it's in poor taste, but I also think that it's your bf's place to broach that subject with his family. When I break up with someone, my parents remove all remnants of the past and put them away, and I do think that's the way it should be.
Art_Critic Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 So, simple scenario: My boyfriend and I have been dating/living together for 2 and a half years. We are both in our mid/late 20s. Very serious relationship (the one). A year or so ago, his sister put up a photo on facebook in an "old family photos" album that had him and an old ex of his in it (and the rest of his family). It really offended me and I told my boyfriend that, and he understood (he detagged himself). I even shared my feelings with his mother. She said that she had a photo in her room that had him and that ex (and some cousins) in it up on her wall. And that she should take it down. . . . yet she never has... It really bothers me and I find it a bit disrespectful. Any advice? Talk to her again? I am not interested in looking like I am giving her orders... I think you are out of line.. First off.. accept he has a past and that past isn't part of his future.. then accept that his sister didn't do anything wrong as she put up pictures of old family photos. What you did was kinda disrespectful to your BF's family.. IMO
Grinning Maniac Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) Pff... I have photos of all of my exes. Some of them nude shots. Never getting rid of them either. Or the letters/chat histories. Or the undergarments... *chuckle* I like the little reminders that my dating life hasn't COMPLETELY sucked balls. I cherish the little victories. Edited February 7, 2011 by Grinning Maniac
Macaw Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I keep the photos as well, but in very private places. Definitely not anywhere on public display.
Author Antithesis Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) I think you are out of line.. First off.. accept he has a past and that past isn't part of his future.. then accept that his sister didn't do anything wrong as she put up pictures of old family photos. What you did was kinda disrespectful to your BF's family.. IMO Why? You don't give any reasons for your conclusory statement that I was disrespectful. As to the people like this poster who have the whole line "accept he has a past" - I logically argue that there is a clear difference between accepting someone has a past (exes included) and photos displayed of them w/ an ex or exes around their parent's house. Two separate things. As to his family - his mother understood why I felt the way I did - she even said she would talk to his sister about this type of thing. I thank those of you who have shared your story(ies) and advice. Also - as to the previous two posters - you two are referring to your own "collection" of photos. That's fine but it was not what I was referring to in my original post. Honestly, I have thrown out/deleted almost all of my photos with exes - I needed it because I (in particular) have a special attachment/sentimentality for photos. Perhaps, not everyone holds them to the same sort of feeling. That is understandable. Edited February 7, 2011 by Antithesis
Albertan Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 This is absurd... Everyone has a past and you cannot delete it because it suits you. De-tagging was fine and a good move on his part. But where does this stop? You're in your late 20's, you've both has ex's. You've both got history. You cannot punish him for that. You need to get over this pronto. Totally Agree!
Author Antithesis Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) You've obviously made your mind up as you're arguing with our advice. Why come on these forums if when people give advice to you, you just get up in arms about it and argue your case harder? Sounds like it's your way or the high way. Maybe you should think about how you're ex family might feel Actually, I argued with your reading comprehension and your lack of insightful advice. Your "Advice" consisted of a statement that I was punishing him... no signs of that. Advice to get over "it" without any rationale. Also, you asked the oh-so-inquiring question: "where does this stop?" I did not come on here and say oh I asked my boyfriend to completely forget about his past, never contact anyone from it, never mention anyone from it, everything is about me...No. Your post or what you call advice just was not helpful and did not show much thought or intelligence. As to your last post - "Maybe you should think about how you're ex family might feel" - what the heck does this sentence even mean? You show no clarity in your thought. Edited February 9, 2011 by Antithesis
Albertan Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Ok, I am going to give this a crack. Are you normally a very jealous person? I am assuming you have had boyfriends before and we know for certain he has dated before also. Except he is with YOU now. So what matter if there are pictures of his ex floating around? This is now and that was then. She is history and he is with you and loves you. This picture in his mothers house, it contains other people also? Is it a good picture? What I'm getting at, is the picture more about your boyfriend and the other family rather than just a picture of him and his girlfriend? What's more you cannot control what his mother or anyone in his family does. Getting upset about it and talking to his mum is not really helping anyone. If she already said she would take it down and has not then you are going to simply have to accept that decision and deal with your feelings in another way. While I agree it is not nice to be greeted by pictures of ex's, you should not be so insecure to automatically assume it means they preferred her over you or anything else. (That's what I am getting by the way). I'll try and give you this perspective as well; because your point of view is very much like my wife's point of view much to my own annoyance at times. I personally have **** from my past going back years and years, including ex's letters, photo's and other ****. Now it is not like when I look at them (which is rare) I get all sentimental and think about how I wished I was still with them, its just a memory, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Its my memory and I like to keep little sentimental stuff like that because that's just the way I am. My wife hates it, she hates I have wedding photos of my ex-wife on my computer but I hardly look at them and when I do, it is much more about other people and the way I was then anything about me and my then wife. Sometimes it is nice to look at them and remember what a bitch she was.
trinity1 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 IMO it's one thing keeping photos of your exes, it's another thing having them hanging on the wall. It would bother me too if my SO's mother had his ex on a photo on the wall. Sometimes parents can have a hard time letting go of their children's past relationships, I know this from my own experience, I am a mother myself, so I say it is out of line keeping their photos up as it may be indicating something deeper. It is the children's choice of partner that should be accepted, not the parents' bond to ex-partners.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I have thrown out/deleted almost all of my photos with exes - I needed it because I (in particular) have a special attachment/sentimentality for photos. Perhaps, not everyone holds them to the same sort of feeling. That is understandable. Your bf's mother and sister had family in those old photos, and probably have just as much sentimentality for those photos. So they might feel the same way about getting rid of them as you do to not see them. Im pretty sure that in their minds, those pictures are about the relatives, not your bf's exes. You might not be with him long enough to gain the kind of respect in their eyes to make those sort of demands. You have to realize that its their family, its not all about you.
justjessicaahk Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 This sounds actually like something i've been dealing with too. I don't think pictures with ex's should be kept after that relationship is over. If you're done with that person you should be completely done with them. My boyfriend had pictures on his facebook of when him and his ex were together up until we were dating for six months, talk about feeling disrespected right? the only way they were taken down was for me to make it a problem. Even after that I found a thick stack of pictures of them recently when i was going through his shelves in his room. pictures just happen to be a petty thing that new girlfriends/boyfriends hate. That's why i don't take any and never keep any.
fooled once Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 This sounds actually like something i've been dealing with too. I don't think pictures with ex's should be kept after that relationship is over. If you're done with that person you should be completely done with them. My boyfriend had pictures on his facebook of when him and his ex were together up until we were dating for six months, talk about feeling disrespected right? the only way they were taken down was for me to make it a problem. Even after that I found a thick stack of pictures of them recently when i was going through his shelves in his room. pictures just happen to be a petty thing that new girlfriends/boyfriends hate. That's why i don't take any and never keep any. I have an ex husband. I have our wedding video, our wedding album and various other photo albums from our marriage. I also have a kid from that marriage. As much as I am glad we are divorced, I wouldn't throw those things away just because we are divorced. They are my past. I don't have pictures on display. My mother has a picture of me, my son and my ex hanging on her wall. I have been divorced for 16 years and she has moved since the original picture was taken. My now H has no issues with her having that picture hanging on the wall in her bedroom - because it has her daughter and grandson in the picture. My H has an exwife and kids. Again, there are pictures of them in photo albums in our home. Big deal. They are pictures. Part of the past. I couldn't be with him if he was insecure about pictures. Can't erase the past. I think it was disrespectful to complain to the mom about the pictures. And I would go so far as to suggest to keep the issues of the pictures out of ear shot of the sister. You do not get to decide who has what pictures where. IF your boyfriend had pictures hanging on HIS wall of him and an ex, that could be an issue, IMHO. But I don't get the whole complaining to him and his mother about it.
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