mag6 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Hello all, a new user here with a worry she might be overreacting. The other day I had a rather awkward discussion with my boyfriend. He brought up his ex who he dated for five years before me (we've been together eight months) and expressed some anger and disappointment at her current choice in partners. This lead to me listening to him talk about his feeling towards his ex and how he's afraid to run into her again since they haven't seen or spoken to each other since the broke up. I asked him why he was so nervous and he admitted he was worried he'd see her and all of those old feelings would come back. The conversation went on to him bring up how we're different in bed and some mild frustration with the fact she makes more money than I do. I want to support him and I want to help him work through whatever issues he's still grappling with but I almost feel like this conversation was too much. I've been feeling really sort of heartbroken since we talked and a little guilty because he said he was glad he had someone to talk to about this. Am I doing the right thing talking about these intimate things with him? Should I be worried? I never used to feel this way but now I feel like he's not actually over her and I would lose out to her if she came back to him. Should I have told him I didn't really want to hear these things even though he said he felt better having talked? Thank you for your thoughts.
poorguy Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 How long after their breakup did the the two of you get together???
jane100 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) The general jist of your post - you say you feel "heartbroken" and I can see where you are coming from. When I was younger I even remember a similar conversation myself. What springs out for me is that you feel undervalued by him? That he is sharing his feelings about his ex with you, but what about his feelings about you? Do you know his feelings for you? Do you feel loved, or do you feel that you compare badly? p.s. i find the earning-more-money thing a bit weird ... Edited January 25, 2011 by jane100
Author mag6 Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 1) We got together a couple months after they broke up. 2) He says he loves me and I always believed him but now I'm feeling like he's with me just because he was upset about the breakup (that he initiated) and needed someone to be with. I've seen pictures of her and others have commented on it that we look a lot alike. Additional: One thing he seems to do that bothers me is he brings up a lot about how long they were together. The fact they were together for five years seems to mean a lot to him, along with this he always says "You two (referring to my ex) were only together three years. My relationship was almost twice as long."
Duckduckgoose Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Hmm... something doesn't sound right here... He is comparing former relationships and former partners...for what benefit? It is good for a partner to talk about their exes and relationships, but not to dwell like he has been, or compare like he has been... he might not be over her and that's not good... You need to point blank ask him what is going on.
Nexus One Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 and some mild frustration with the fact she makes more money than I do. Sorry to say it so blunt, but he sounds like a douchebag. He doesn't seem very considerate. Why the hell he compares your and her paycheck, I have no idea. Most men tend to NOT care about that at all. I want to support him and I want to help him work through whatever issues he's still grappling with but I almost feel like this conversation was too much. I've been feeling really sort of heartbroken since we talked It sounds like you are a good person, perhaps too good for that relationship. You deserve a man that wants to be with you for YOU, even if his ex begged him to come back on her knees and wept like autumn rain.
heartshaped Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Personally, I think it was just too soon after his breakup for him to engage in another relationship. He was with this woman for five years and no matter who ended things, it takes a while to get over something that lasted that long. With that said, it's obvious he's not completely over her, but whether you should stick it out with him I can't say, it's your decision. If he ended things, I doubt he's going back to her, but it's terribly unfair to you to be with someone who isn't 100% with you.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 1) We got together a couple months after they broke up. 2) He says he loves me and I always believed him but now I'm feeling like he's with me just because he was upset about the breakup (that he initiated) and needed someone to be with. I've seen pictures of her and others have commented on it that we look a lot alike. Additional: One thing he seems to do that bothers me is he brings up a lot about how long they were together. The fact they were together for five years seems to mean a lot to him, along with this he always says "You two (referring to my ex) were only together three years. My relationship was almost twice as long." He is probably not over his ex. A few months is not enough time to get over a 5 year relationship IMO. I would be freaked out because he compared the two of you in bed! That would be just too much. I would confront him about his ex, it's very unfair of him to lay all that on you.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Hello all, a new user here with a worry she might be overreacting. The other day I had a rather awkward discussion with my boyfriend. He brought up his ex who he dated for five years before me (we've been together eight months) and expressed some anger and disappointment at her current choice in partners. This lead to me listening to him talk about his feeling towards his ex and how he's afraid to run into her again since they haven't seen or spoken to each other since the broke up. I asked him why he was so nervous and he admitted he was worried he'd see her and all of those old feelings would come back. The conversation went on to him bring up how we're different in bed and some mild frustration with the fact she makes more money than I do. I want to support him and I want to help him work through whatever issues he's still grappling with but I almost feel like this conversation was too much. I've been feeling really sort of heartbroken since we talked and a little guilty because he said he was glad he had someone to talk to about this. Am I doing the right thing talking about these intimate things with him? Should I be worried? I never used to feel this way but now I feel like he's not actually over her and I would lose out to her if she came back to him. Should I have told him I didn't really want to hear these things even though he said he felt better having talked? Thank you for your thoughts. I think his words were "too much" as well... Indeed he's not over her... and I just don't know whether you should tell him that you didn't really want to hear those things. I think that to have heard them affords you a better sense of just where you stand. The good news is that they won't likely encounter one another while she is single if at all. So chalk it up to knowing him a lit-tle bit better now, and then rejoice in the chance that he may be more reflexive to you when having to communicate similarly difficult things in the future.
jane100 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) Just to add one more thing, the difference between a 3 year relationship and a 5 year one is not that much. And actually, you can have a 1 -year relationship that is important and intense, and a long relationship that isn't. Why all the comparing anyway, especially as none of it seems in your favour ? You sound a warm and sensitive person, good luck. Edited January 26, 2011 by jane100
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