tigressA Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I don't know how common or uncommon this sort of thing is, but so far I haven't been able to get past it. I have pigeonholed entire groups of men as unsuitable for dating--men for whom, so far, I have not been able to muster the proper attraction to want to pursue a romantic relationship. I'm of mixed race (black/white) and was born and raised in a small, racially homogeneous town. All my peers were white. The only other black people I grew up with were my father and brother. Since having been out of my small town for more than 5 years, naturally I've encountered and dated men of other races...except for black men. I have found it impossible to be physically attracted to black men. A few years ago I kissed a black male friend of mine when I was drunk, and I felt like I had kissed my brother. I can't help but immediately see any black man as a brother or father figure (depending on their age). I'm certain this is because of the utter lack of non-familial black peers during my most formative years. I've had plenty of black men message me on OKCupid, some who have very high match percentages with me. But I can't bring myself to respond to them at all--I get that cringe-y incestuous feeling. I feel like this is really limiting my options, but I don't know how to get past it. I also find myself turned off by guys who share the first name of either my father or brother, regardless of race. Does anyone else feel something similar to this?
johan Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 You neglected to mention that you also have no interest in green robots. I think that's a much bigger issue. And I can't stand to get involved with any woman with the vaguest similarity to my sister or mother. My girlfriends have to be different from what I grew up with. Whether that's something Freud could make hay with, I'm not sure. He'd probably be even more interested if I were to say I only want to find a woman who resembles my mom or sister. My attitude does lead to a bit more mixing in the gene pool, which is good for the survival of the species. Some might argue that the fact that I haven't reproduced at all is even better for the species.
Author tigressA Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 You neglected to mention that you also have no interest in green robots. I think that's a much bigger issue. And I can't stand to get involved with any woman with the vaguest similarity to my sister or mother. My girlfriends have to be different from what I grew up with. Whether that's something Freud could make hay with, I'm not sure. He'd probably be even more interested if I were to say I only want to find a woman who resembles my mom or sister. My attitude does lead to a bit more mixing in the gene pool, which is good for the survival of the species. Some might argue that the fact that I haven't reproduced at all is even better for the species. :laugh: Good to know I'm not alone in this. I've heard that saying about girls wanting to marry their father so many times, and all I could ever think was "Ew! Gross!" though I knew it wasn't meant literally--just that they usually would end up with someone who resembled their father in personality, looks, whatever. I just feel weird about this because I'm rejecting an entire race of men pretty much right off the bat. That's a hell of a lot of men.
WTRanger Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 It's just part of who you are and who you are attracted to. We're all different and we all seek different things. I see no problem in your selection process for who you date. I met a fantastic girl on Match. We were a hit, until I found out she had the last name I have. No relation at all, we checked. It was all coincidence, but still. It was just odd.
Leigh 87 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 You can't help what people you are naturally unable to like in a romantic sense. I do not think what you are describing are feelings you should try to change; it is not a problem, because there are plenty of men who are not black, and you do not feel any hatred against black people, you are just not physically attracted. You are missing out on the black men who would be a good match for you if only you were attracted to them, however; you are not attracted to them for various reasons, so just leave it. It is no big deal.
Leigh 87 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 And by the way, I do not feel attracted to black men, either. I also know a few guys who have told me they are not attracted to black women or Asian women. None of us, not the guys I spoke with or myself, are racist in any way. We simply are not sexually reactive to certain people, and race happens to dictate one of the things that enables us from being attracted to a person. Personally, I am only really attracted to white or European types ( Italian or forgein yes, but not black or Asian men). However, I am not closed off to the possibility that I may get a black or Asian guy " friend", and through getting to know them well, I could perhaps develop romantic and sexual feelings towards such men. Perhaps it is just my initial attraction that is lakcing with black and Asian men; I may actually develop feelings and am open to it.
Author tigressA Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 I met a fantastic girl on Match. We were a hit, until I found out she had the last name I have. No relation at all, we checked. It was all coincidence, but still. It was just odd. That is really weird! I'd be pretty freaked out too. I've seen those news stories of men and women with the same exact first and last name meeting and getting married. Strange. I don't feel bad or guilty about it. I just wonder if it's something I can get past because I do realize that it's limiting. I have trouble even making platonic black friends, men or women. I've gone through a lot of the same crap that they may have (prejudice, stereotypes, etc), but whenever I was in a group of black people I always felt like I didn't "belong".
WTRanger Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 That is really weird! I'd be pretty freaked out too. I've seen those news stories of men and women with the same exact first and last name meeting and getting married. Strange. I don't feel bad or guilty about it. I just wonder if it's something I can get past because I do realize that it's limiting. I have trouble even making platonic black friends, men or women. I've gone through a lot of the same crap that they may have (prejudice, stereotypes, etc), but whenever I was in a group of black people I always felt like I didn't "belong". The thing is, if you force yourself to "get past" what you simply are not attracted to, then how healthy would that relationship be? That relationship would be totally lopsided or catastrophic for your health.
Author tigressA Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 The thing is, if you force yourself to "get past" what you simply are not attracted to, then how healthy would that relationship be? That relationship would be totally lopsided or catastrophic for your health. You're right about that. I am at least staying open-minded to the possibility that it could happen one day. I am curious as to how likely that possibility is, due to my socialization. Sometimes you hear of people never having been attracted to a certain type, and then one day they meet someone who is of that type and they fall madly in love. I don't need or want that to happen for me but I wonder what the exact circumstances were in those cases, particularly why the person was never attracted to that "type" previously.
Girlygirl1977 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 It's one thing to not be attracted to people who are one half of the race you are and another (and perhaps I think even more problematic) to not be able to be friends with people who are one half of who you are. Since you mentioned that 2nd part, I do wonder if there is potentially some rejection of that half of yourself there (or some self-loathing of that side). I imagine if you were friends with other bi-racial people even more specifically that would be healthy as they have likely faced the same things. Anyway these are some initial thoughts. I just think it goes beyond attraction if you can't even be friends. There are definitely biracial people just like you I'm sure. Out of curiosity, would you or have you been attracted to people who were biracial like you (versus just black alone)? One example of this was Tiger Woods - he didn't even go for one lady who was the race of either of his parents. In some way it's like he didn't find what he was attractive and sought acceptance in what he saw as the standard of beauty. Anyway - I generally think there is more going on.
Author tigressA Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) It's not self-loathing at all. When I mentioned the friends thing, I should have said that while I tried to integrate myself with a group of black people, I was the one feeling left out. It wasn't a lack of desire to befriend on my part. They just made me feel alienated. As for other biracial people, I've come across few of them (even fewer who are male), and it's a bit difficult to tell if that's what someone is without having to ask them. I'm a perfect example of that. About 98% of the time, I get people assuming I'm of another race entirely rather than the one(s) I am. I have felt left out within my own black extended family (my father's family), too, though this is primarily because they aren't too fond of white people or other races and I feel they are desperate to forget that I'm half-white. If it were possible, they would go back in time and make sure my dad had had children with a black woman. They continually reject half of what I am. I don't talk to any of them anymore and neither of my parents hold that against me. Edited January 26, 2011 by tigressA
Els Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Frankly, I think as long as it works for you, it's okay. The only time you really need to reexamine what you're attracted to naturally, is if it prevents you from having a good relationship that you want. If you have had no trouble finding good men despite this preference, what's the problem? Getting past one's natural attraction is exceedingly tough, and I'm not even sure if the end result is worth it, because it might be 'settling' in a way.
SmileFace Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I have never dated someone of the same race or same cultural background as myself. My sister says it is because I am scared of ending up with someone like my father. Which is false , my father is a great man - she is just biter because she never knew her father. I don't really want to focus on myself , but I can't actually help who I am attracted to. All my family tries to justify it for me fishing out of my ocean and I get lots of **** about. Believe me when I tell you the jokes never stop. My friends have learned to not say anything. I have no problem dating in my own race but never found someone actually attracted to me, that I had a mutual interest in. I have only been dating for a year and a half ,so I am still pretty green. Only time will tell. I don't see it as something to overcome. Yet I don't know your full story.
Star Gazer Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 These are the only circumstances under which I'm actually glad I have neither a father or a brother. I don't think you should try to overcome something related to attraction or any sort of visceral reaction you have to certain groups of men. We all have our quirks. You're allowed to have yours. But if you can maintain an open mind, you never know what might happen. Are there any black celebrities who excite you? Boris Kodjoe? There's actually a guy out here in NorCal that's of mixed race who when I met I actually thought (sh*t you not!), "This guy would be great for TA!"
Author tigressA Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 It's proven to be impossible for me to get past this over 5-6 years, though I still keep an open mind. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be able to be attracted to someone who's mixed-race or from what seems like the more "relevant" part of my background (I say that because I was always considered black instead of mixed while growing up), if only because we could relate to each other better. There were times in past relationships when I felt frustrated because the guy "just didn't understand". I'm quite drawn to other minorities, I suppose partially because it's likely they've had experiences of being marginalized, stereotyped, etc due to their race, as I have. But with black men it's always that feeling of committing incest. It's pretty visceral. SG, I remember having a little crush on Usher when I was 10. Since then, nothing. And it's cool that you thought of me when meeting a guy!
mo mo Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Heyyy I am a black/white mix too! But yea.. I don't have any issues being attracted to any particular race. I have dated people from all the races and a good portion of the ethnic groups in the world. Black people do not all look alike, which is why it is kinda weird that you would compare black guys to family members, but in your situation, being around only those black people for the majority of your life is also kinda weird and might explain a bit.
mo mo Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) Oh and by the way, this one girl who looked a lot like my sister was trying to get with me back in the day. She was pretty and charming and everything, but I couldn't be attracted to her. A little too weird. What happened to the puppies? Edited January 26, 2011 by mo mo
Star Gazer Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 And it's cool that you thought of me when meeting a guy! He went to Howard and then Berkeley and is now in real estate. Lemme know, I'll play Cupid! Haha!
Author tigressA Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 I don't think it's weird that the only black people I grew up with were my dad and brother. It's just a small town with an almost complete lack of racial diversity. There are many of those. I am well aware that not all black people look alike, too. Still, I can't help but associate any black men with familial feelings and fail to be romantically attracted to them. As I said in an earlier post, I can't really speak on black-white mixed people as I've personally known very few of them, and none of them male (aside from my brother). And again, I have always kept an open mind, but so far this is just how it's been for me. SG: Sure, can't hurt!
mo mo Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I don't think it's weird that the only black people I grew up with were my dad and brother. It's just a small town with an almost complete lack of racial diversity. There are many of those. I am well aware that not all black people look alike, too. Still, I can't help but associate any black men with familial feelings and fail to be romantically attracted to them. As I said in an earlier post, I can't really speak on black-white mixed people as I've personally known very few of them, and none of them male (aside from my brother). And again, I have always kept an open mind, but so far this is just how it's been for me. SG: Sure, can't hurt! Ok I understand where you're coming from. But I don't understand where the puppies went.
Author tigressA Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Ok I understand where you're coming from. But I don't understand where the puppies went. I just wanted something closer to my username. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll bring them back, just for you.
mo mo Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 So anyways I am actually more white than anything, even though I don't really look like it. My father was Portuguese and a good portion of his family lives in the area. My mother is black/South American, but none of her family lives out here. I grew up around white people. I am really really white, but most people think I am Indian. Weird. I actually prefer to date people (white, black, asian, latina, doesn't matter) that have some sort of exotic feature. Plain white people just don't do it for me. It doesn't have anything to do with my family or anything like that. I just love exotic people and features. PS puppies
Disillusioned Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 You'd think that someone who grew up in the melting pot that is L.A. wouldn't have racial or name prefs... but I do. I never felt any attraction to white women who are Slavic... I've always picked up something intrinsically boorish about them. Damned if I know why. Black, Jewish (alright, so Jewish is a religious group and not a race), and Hispanic women are kind of a mixed bag as far as my interests go, there are some I find VERY attractive and others that don't turn me on in the least. Similarly, I find a lot of Indian and Gypsy women attractive. But I've never felt any attraction toward Asian and Native American women. Since the OP mentioned names, ever since I was little I couldn't abide female names that start with B, H, T, or W... I've always felt there's just something unfeminine about them. Maybe it comes from having been given a name I hated by a sadistic mother.
mo mo Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 You'd think that someone who grew up in the melting pot that is L.A. wouldn't have racial or name prefs... but I do. I never felt any attraction to white women who are Slavic... I've always picked up something intrinsically boorish about them. Damned if I know why. Black, Jewish (alright, so Jewish is a religious group and not a race), and Hispanic women are kind of a mixed bag as far as my interests go, there are some I find VERY attractive and others that don't turn me on in the least. Similarly, I find a lot of Indian and Gypsy women attractive. But I've never felt any attraction toward Asian and Native American women. Since the OP mentioned names, ever since I was little I couldn't abide female names that start with B, H, T, or W... I've always felt there's just something unfeminine about them. Maybe it comes from having been given a name I hated by a sadistic mother. Persian women are HOT, aren't they? Sorry for threadjacking!! umm puppies!!!!!!
Author tigressA Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 So anyways I am actually more white than anything, even though I don't really look like it. I grew up around white people. I am really really white, but most people think I am Indian. Weird. You basically just described me! And FINE! I'll bring the puppies back, sheesh!
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