justaname Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 i'm so nervous and jittery i doubt i sleep before then. our hearts are both in this completely, but of course things are never simple in this kind of situation. i don't know what, if anything, we're going to decide.
TigerCub Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I have absolutely no idea what you're talkin about, but it sounds like happy nervousness - that's good (?) So are you and MM deciding to figure out on how to really be with each other in a real A? Is he leaving his M? I'm sorry if I don't know the backstory
Author justaname Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) So are you and MW deciding to figure out on how to really be with each other in a real A? Is she leaving her M? Not necessarily, though that's going to come up as a possibility. Another possibility, of course, is NC. And then there's everything in between. The only thing we won't do is turn it into a full PA. Edited January 25, 2011 by justaname
Owl Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Have you considered taking control of your own life? What's YOUR goal for this situation? What will it take for YOUR goal to be achieved? What obstacles are in the way? What plan have you developed to reach your goal? Is it POSSIBLE to reach YOUR goal? What will be the impact to others if you DO reach your goal? I'm not an advocate of sitting there passively waiting for life to happen. You sound like you're just sitting there waiting for your life to be decided for you. What do you think is going to come out of all of this?
Owl Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Not necessarily, though that's going to come up as a possibility. Another possibility, of course, is NC. And then there's everything in between. The only thing we won't do is turn it into a full PA. Why not? What's the difference? An EA is still an affair. Still a betrayal of her H, still will be emotionally devestating for him when he learns of it. Why draw the line there? How will not going PA change the situation?
Author justaname Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 I'm not an advocate of sitting there passively waiting for life to happen. You sound like you're just sitting there waiting for your life to be decided for you. Everything else you said/asked I've asked myself, but is good to see articulated like that nevertheless. But this? I don't see how deciding to decide on something mutually is waiting for my life to be decided for me.
Author justaname Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Why not? What's the difference? An EA is still an affair. Still a betrayal of her H, still will be emotionally devastating for him when he learns of it. Yep, and realizing that has made us know we have to figure things out now, even if it is too late to claim innocence.
Owl Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Everything else you said/asked I've asked myself, but is good to see articulated like that nevertheless. But this? I don't see how deciding to decide on something mutually is waiting for my life to be decided for me. I guess it SOUNDS to me like it's sitting there passive, because I don't see anything in your thread about what YOUR GOAL is. But I do see your point. You're trying to figure that out.
Author justaname Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 I guess it SOUNDS to me like it's sitting there passive, because I don't see anything in your thread about what YOUR GOAL is. But I do see your point. You're trying to figure that out. I've told her what I want, but I don't feel like it's my place to argue for it when I don't have anything to lose.
TigerCub Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Not necessarily, though that's going to come up as a possibility. Another possibility, of course, is NC. And then there's everything in between. The only thing we won't do is turn it into a full PA. Sorry justaname, since this forum is heavily populated with women, I just assumed it was an MM we're discussing... but yeah, I do agree with OWL that EA isn't much of a difference from a PA since its still an A. What would be the deciding factor for you to go NC?
TigerCub Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I've told her what I want, but I don't feel like it's my place to argue for it when I don't have anything to lose. I understand what you're saying here - but at the same time, it's YOUR life, you should argue for and go for whatever it is that you want. Just because she may have more to lose, you're still investing your time, and emotions here.
Author justaname Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 What would be the deciding factor for you to go NC? If she decided that she wanted to devote herself completely to her marriage again and that having me around was going to prevent that.
woinlove Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 If she decided that she wanted to devote herself completely to her marriage again and that having me around was going to prevent that. That sounds like reasons to benefit her. Does that mean that you have decided you are fine with being involved with a MW? As you can tell from stories here, it is often a very rocky ride with a rollercoaster of emotions.
Spark1111 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 If she decided that she wanted to devote herself completely to her marriage again and that having me around was going to prevent that. Aaaaah...and therein lies the hook: She has too much to lose, like a husband, a history, a home? and you will sit back and wait until she decides if and when she can leave him. And that is why affairs can last forever as the single person waits for the married AP to make a decision. Keep reading here, because that is a painful and lonely way to live. I echo Owl. What are your goals for the relationship?
half_ofa_heart Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Keep reading here, because that is a painful and lonely way to live. The MOST HORRIBLE, TORTUOUS, pain you can ever imagine - multiplied by 100!
Author justaname Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Aaaaah...and therein lies the hook: She has too much to lose, like a husband, a history, a home? and you will sit back and wait until she decides if and when she can leave him. And that is why affairs can last forever as the single person waits for the married AP to make a decision. Keep reading here, because that is a painful and lonely way to live. I echo Owl. What are your goals for the relationship? and that's where i'm at right now after our talk last night. and if it feels as awful as it does today, i don't know how i'll be able to take it for weeks or months.
Owl Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Not sure I understand...so what specifically was 'decided' in your talk? That she's not leaving her H, but plans on continuing the affair? What about you, your goals, your interests in all of this?
Author justaname Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Not sure I understand...so what specifically was 'decided' in your talk? That she's not leaving her H, but plans on continuing the affair? What about you, your goals, your interests in all of this? That she wants to leave but isn't sure when or how. Obviously I want to be with her.
Owl Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 My friend...stick around here long enough and you'll find that "wants to leave but doesn't know when or how" is code for "let's continue our relationship as an affair for as long as possible". She's got no true reason to change the situation. Her husband is still meeting some of her needs. You're meeting the ones that he's not. She has two men who between the two of them are giving her all that she wants/needs. Why should she change. Whereas this situation clearly isn't meeting YOUR needs and wants. It's probably going to stay the way it is until the pain of you staying finally outweighs the benefits you feel that you're getting from the affair. I wish you luck, my friend. I hope that you get to a point where things in your life get better.
Author justaname Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 My friend...stick around here long enough and you'll find that "wants to leave but doesn't know when or how" is code for "let's continue our relationship as an affair for as long as possible". I'd believe you if she and I were actually having a full affair. Neither of us are willing to do that, though, so, as it is, the situation between us is incredibly frustrating.
Owl Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I'd believe you if she and I were actually having a full affair. Neither of us are willing to do that, though, so, as it is, the situation between us is incredibly frustrating. What you're having is an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. It's still an affair. And while it may be frustrating (at least to you), it's still fulfilling some of her emotional needs. And the "pain" of not being involved in a fullblown relationship with you at the moment isn't outweighing the benefits of staying with her H and family. She's drawn the line...set the limit...on how far she's willing to go. I'll grant you, she may well pursue this further at some point in the future. I'm curious tho...how do you expect this to play out?
East7 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Justaname, You are in the fog mate, you just don't realize that you are lost, paralyzed, and powerless dreaming about MW all the time like having got a shot of opium (I know how it feels to think about MW all the time, been there). She will give you nothing more than fantasy, beautiful fantasy and feelings but it is just a mirage mate, nothing more. She has the luxury of having 2 men and playing with their heads (even if not intentionally). You are settling for crumbs that are left from her time with family and H. She tells you how much she loves you and you are feeding yourself with so few, just like some drops of water in the lips of a desert walker. Read A LOT LS you'll see how As follow the same patterns, no matter how special your MW may be. She will not give you anything else than a A. Plus you are family friend or smth, can you imagine the shame you 2 will be going through... I suggest you to break up with her and go NC, no contact whatsoever, stay away from her mate, she will cause you only pain and heartbreak, her love is like an angel giving you a death-kiss. It is wonderful but when it'll end it will rip your heart away.
Ladyblue Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Justaname, You are in the fog mate, you just don't realize that you are lost, paralyzed, and powerless dreaming about MW all the time like having got a shot of opium (I know how it feels to think about MW all the time, been there). She will give you nothing more than fantasy, beautiful fantasy and feelings but it is just a mirage mate, nothing more. She has the luxury of having 2 men and playing with their heads (even if not intentionally). You are settling for crumbs that are left from her time with family and H. She tells you how much she loves you and you are feeding yourself with so few, just like some drops of water in the lips of a desert walker. Read A LOT LS you'll see how As follow the same patterns, no matter how special your MW may be. She will not give you anything else than a A. Plus you are family friend or smth, can you imagine the shame you 2 will be going through... I suggest you to break up with her and go NC, no contact whatsoever, stay away from her mate, she will cause you only pain and heartbreak, her love is like an angel giving you a death-kiss. It is wonderful but when it'll end it will rip your heart away. East7 is right. I'm just coming out of a 3 year EA. I could tell you some things. Besides all the usual --- pain of the affair, and stuff, think of what you both will lose if you get busted. Not just her H, but your whole huge circle of friends. If you get caught --- think devastation.
Author justaname Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) East7 is right. I'm just coming out of a 3 year EA. I could tell you some things. Besides all the usual --- pain of the affair, and stuff, think of what you both will lose if you get busted. Not just her H, but your whole huge circle of friends. If you get caught --- think devastation. i'm leaving this forum. it's almost nothing but negativity and is not helpful in the least. i've seen happy endings like this happen quite often. maybe you haven't. sorry. if things don't happen in a few weeks or a couple of months, i'm rethinking things. but for now i know how both of us feel. she wouldn't be leaving for me anyway. she'd be leaving for her. seriously, take care. Edited January 29, 2011 by justaname
BB07 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 i'm leaving this forum. it's almost nothing but negativity and is not helpful in the least. i've seen happy endings like this happen quite often. maybe you haven't. sorry. if things don't happen in a few weeks or a couple of months, i'm rethinking things. but for now i know how both of us feel. she wouldn't be leaving for me anyway. she'd be leaving for her. seriously, take care. If you want smoke blown up your arse then LS probably isn't right for you. The truth is most affairs don't end up with happily ever after endings. That is the reality. I wish you well.
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