Fieldsofgold Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) This morning I am feeling for those in an A who are trying to go NC, but the WS just keeps contacting you. I just returned from a vacation free of computers and cell phones, and now am home, wading through the backlog. Sitting there in my inbox are two messages from him. One saying something about an accident and cutting his finger off (too bad it wasnt his head), and a message that says, among other things, "Every time I see _____, I think of you." (the blank is a very stupid and common thing that he would see all the time.) "I miss our time together." Backstory: I don't remember the specific dates, but it is going on something near a year since we have communicated. When we parted, I was in a complete rage. No dignity restrained me at all! I had discovered that he had both a W and an OW, with whom he was actively involved, while telling me he was divorced, loved me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me! I was outraged that he lied to me about something so serious, and there was no uncertainty in my words or delivery when I told him what I thought about it. Although I was really hurt, and I did waste too much time trying to figure out WHY someone would do what he did, I did all that on LS, not to him. He was fully aware that I never had a moment of uncertainty about my view of him, his actions, or our "relationship." He was fully aware that there was never a moment that I reconsidered. He knew that I spoke with both his W and OW. He continued to live alternately with both. If it were me, I would not continue to contact someone who held me in contempt and wanted nothing to do with me, if nothing else just as a matter of pride. Fortunately, I'm thoroughly over him, and nothing related to him bothers me. But I once again wonder WHY? I read here about others trying NC, and the mm keeps coming back. Won't leave and divorce, and be with them proper. Just won't let go of them as AP's. Why do they do this? Is there a WS, or anyone else, who has any insight into why these MM keep on? Edited January 25, 2011 by Fieldsofgold
desertIslandCactus Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Speaking only for myself.. I can't control what others think or do - or try to contact or act cutesy - What matters the most is that My head is on straight. I'm the one who took the bait, have to take the responsibility for my life, etc .. I just remain so greatful that I see it for what it was (or wasn't), And have seen the Light .. Nothing he could do or say to change anything.
woinlove Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Why do they do this? Is there a WS, or anyone else, who has any insight into why these MM keep on? Love? Just joking, but, seriously, I have no idea why except that a man with a W and an OW doesn't have everything together, and some have even less together than others. Sounds like this MM reaches out to women looking to fill some hole in himself.
justaname Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 (oops, meant to start a new thread. ignore me.)
Spark1111 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Because they are selfish and the affair was never truly about you and your feelings....it was about the fantasy of you loving and wanting him; one he can trot out in his reverie to make himself feel whole, pick up the phone and pick up his spirits. You know all you said with certainty, anger, and conviction? It went in one ear and out the other, sorry to say. Don't respond.
freestyle Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Well, I'm not a WS,but here's a theory to answer your question, "Why?" Many times WS's are self-absorbed to the point of not truly acknowledging the feelings of others.Your MM, having been a serial cheater, seems to fit that bill. He may have presumed that you'd "gotten over it" as if what he did to you was no big deal, something to shrug off.Maybe he told himself, "It's been a year, she will have cooled off by now, I can hook her in with a pity story,and test the waters...." Speaks to his level of insensitivity, delusion, and shows that he doesn't feel like he should be held accountable for the way he treated you. He figures, he can just press "The Reset Button" , and pick right up where he left off. I found a great article about "the reset button"---I'll link it for you: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-someone-keeps-presses-the-reset-button-on-your-relationship/ hope that helps..
TigerCub Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 So Fields, its been almost a year since you left him in a pissy huff, not hiding that you are pretty much disgusted with him, don't want anything to do with him, have no respect for him....and he's contacting you? Wow persistent lil f***er! He's simply doing all that because he's still living in his silly little fantasy in his own mind. He's just like the rest, trying to fill a void, and for some reason, this guys fantasy is still replayin in his mind, although its been almost a year. what a loser. Good for you for being over him and for not responding. oyi....
jthorne Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I can't say why, but I do have a solution: BLOCK! Set up a rule to send all emails from his address straight where they belong- in the trash. Smooches to you!
Owl Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 MM/MW send these "fishing" little contacts out periodically because they're hoping that enough time has past/the world has changed/brain damage has set in enough that you've lost just enough anger to let your guard down so that they can worm their way back in. Back into your heart, your life, whatever. They do it because at the end of the line, they're hoping to resume what went on before...without regard to what YOU feel on the subject. I agree with the previous poster...block his avenues of approach!
jthorne Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Just guessing... I'm not so sure he wants to resume the A; I think he knows you're smarter than that. But I do think that he wants to inject himself into your life somehow so that you have to think about him, even if it's in frustration. Children cry for attention sometimes, ya know?
Billy_Boy Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Simple answer? no, they are already morally bankrupted, so they will repeat whatever actions they must in order to get what they want, if it worked in the past it may work again so there is no reason not to try in their mind.
BenThereDunThat Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Simple answer? no, they are already morally bankrupted, so they will repeat whatever actions they must in order to get what they want, if it worked in the past it may work again so there is no reason not to try in their mind. Agreed. My exH did this to me too. I'm sure he figured it worked at one point so it just might work again if he's persistant enough. Talk about brain-damaged. They leave you feeling like "was I not completely CLEAR that I hate you and never want to see your fat face again?" Sooo frustrating. Oh yeah - and this: Sitting there in my inbox are two messages from him. One saying something about an accident and cutting his finger off (too bad it wasnt his head), cracked me up!
Ladyblue Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I think its all about respect. These mm have no respect for their victims, uh, I mean their Wives, their OW, or their OOW.They don't respect your feelings, they don't respect the hurt they caused you. They don't respect the promises they made to you. They don't respect their marriage vows.They don't respect anything, so they have no boundaries --- nothing is off limits to them. That's why computers have Delete keys.
pureinheart Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 ((((((((((((((FOG)))))))))))), really good to see you. Even though you are over him, it's still annoying. It is a lack of respect. I am not sure what part of NO is not understood. In some cases the person is very arrogant. It has never happened, although if a person told me to stay away, I would, regardless of time passed..you know? See, unless you contact him and tell him it is ok your wishes should be respected. I am very sorry they aren't. FOG, I would keep a record of his contact attempts if I were you. Hang in there girl, and glad you had a good vacation:D
YellowShark Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I think its all about respect. These mm have no respect for their victims, uh, I mean their Wives, their OW, or their OOW.They don't respect your feelings, they don't respect the hurt they caused you. They don't respect the promises they made to you. They don't respect their marriage vows.They don't respect anything, so they have no boundaries --- nothing is off limits to them.Simple answer? no, they are already morally bankrupted, so they will repeat whatever actions they must in order to get what they want, if it worked in the past it may work again so there is no reason not to try in their mind. BINGO. Anyone who would cheat on his spouse before they are legally divorced - (or separated for a very long time) - are morally bankrupt and don't respect anyone. It's really all about them. So why is any "improper" behaviour a surprise when they engage in it? It should be expected.
fooled once Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 This morning I am feeling for those in an A who are trying to go NC, but the WS just keeps contacting you. I just returned from a vacation free of computers and cell phones, and now am home, wading through the backlog. Sitting there in my inbox are two messages from him. One saying something about an accident and cutting his finger off (too bad it wasnt his head), and a message that says, among other things, "Every time I see _____, I think of you." (the blank is a very stupid and common thing that he would see all the time.) "I miss our time together." Backstory: I don't remember the specific dates, but it is going on something near a year since we have communicated. When we parted, I was in a complete rage. No dignity restrained me at all! I had discovered that he had both a W and an OW, with whom he was actively involved, while telling me he was divorced, loved me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me! I was outraged that he lied to me about something so serious, and there was no uncertainty in my words or delivery when I told him what I thought about it. Although I was really hurt, and I did waste too much time trying to figure out WHY someone would do what he did, I did all that on LS, not to him. He was fully aware that I never had a moment of uncertainty about my view of him, his actions, or our "relationship." He was fully aware that there was never a moment that I reconsidered. He knew that I spoke with both his W and OW. He continued to live alternately with both. If it were me, I would not continue to contact someone who held me in contempt and wanted nothing to do with me, if nothing else just as a matter of pride. Fortunately, I'm thoroughly over him, and nothing related to him bothers me. But I once again wonder WHY? I read here about others trying NC, and the mm keeps coming back. Won't leave and divorce, and be with them proper. Just won't let go of them as AP's. Why do they do this? Is there a WS, or anyone else, who has any insight into why these MM keep on? I went through this too. It took my H emailing him for him to FINALLY get the hint that I no longer wanted to hear from him (no matter how many times I had told him) and maybe it finally woke him up to the fact that I had moved on. It wasn't the last time I heard from him - he tried again 2 years after I remarried to "explain" again and ask that I give him one more chance :laugh: :laugh: As if. I told him once again NO and that I blocked his email and since then, I have changed email addresses and have moved. Plus, I am not sure he knows my married name
Author Fieldsofgold Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Love? Just joking, but, seriously, I have no idea why except that a man with a W and an OW doesn't have everything together, and some have even less together than others. Sounds like this MM reaches out to women looking to fill some hole in himself. Hahaha! Love your humor! But I think you make a very good point. I think there IS a big empty hole inside him that he tries to fill with love? Or attention? Or conquests?
Author Fieldsofgold Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Because they are selfish and the affair was never truly about you and your feelings....it was about the fantasy of you loving and wanting him; one he can trot out in his reverie to make himself feel whole, pick up the phone and pick up his spirits. You know all you said with certainty, anger, and conviction? It went in one ear and out the other, sorry to say. Don't respond. I know the bolded is right! And don't worry - there is no way I would acknowledge him.
Author Fieldsofgold Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Well, I'm not a WS,but here's a theory to answer your question, "Why?" Many times WS's are self-absorbed to the point of not truly acknowledging the feelings of others.Your MM, having been a serial cheater, seems to fit that bill. He may have presumed that you'd "gotten over it" as if what he did to you was no big deal, something to shrug off.Maybe he told himself, "It's been a year, she will have cooled off by now, I can hook her in with a pity story,and test the waters...." Speaks to his level of insensitivity, delusion, and shows that he doesn't feel like he should be held accountable for the way he treated you. He figures, he can just press "The Reset Button" , and pick right up where he left off. I found a great article about "the reset button"---I'll link it for you: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-someone-keeps-presses-the-reset-button-on-your-relationship/ hope that helps.. I think you've hit the nail on the head! Everything, that's him. I've not read the article yet, but have marked it and will read it in a bit Thanks for posting it..
BB07 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Because they are selfish and the affair was never truly about you and your feelings....it was about the fantasy of you loving and wanting him; one he can trot out in his reverie to make himself feel whole, pick up the phone and pick up his spirits. You know all you said with certainty, anger, and conviction? It went in one ear and out the other, sorry to say. Don't respond. The bolded really resonated with me. I've often said that I think the main thing that xmm wanted from me was for me to love him. Of course I say this in hindsight because of some things that he said, that may or may not be true. I think he had me on a pedestal, thought I was unattainable to him, then when he knew he had me, he was saying to himself, what have I done now.........I lied to get to this place and now reality is hitting me, so of course he had to lie to keep it going. When the truth came out, I kept asking him why, why, why and this is what he said. There was something about you, I just had to know. To me........that statement was very telling, as it confirmed what I suspected after having a few weeks to put the pieces together of the truth I learned from the BS and little pieces that he would say when I picked at him before he knew that I knew. Sick isn't it? Of course knowing someone loves you is intoxicating, but normal people don't trick and deceive to those depths to get that, do they?
2sunny Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 why? because it feeds his ego if you pay attention to him - even at your expense... he will do that too. this is why often you see the ludicrous contact (like how he cut his finger off). many claim illness or a trip to the hospital for attention and reactions from their OW. it works for many. he isn't the man you thought he COULD be... that's always a good thing to remember. don't ask "why" - as that keeps you caught up in the past (which we can't change)... ask your self "how"... how can i be sure i NEVER have my life look like that again. your future, this you DO have control over.
Author Fieldsofgold Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 So Fields, its been almost a year since you left him in a pissy huff, LOL! No. I left him in a screaming murderous rage! The man LIED TO ME about being MARRIED! AND LIED TO ME ABOUT HAVING AN OW!!! No telling where his disease-infested lips had been! EEEEEWWWWW! I was seen with him in public! By people who knew me!!! They may have thought I knew he was married. They may have thought I knew I was having an affair. not hiding that you are pretty much disgusted with him, Think Godzilla on steroids . . . among other things, I wanted to be sure he was never able to father children again! don't want anything to do with him, have no respect for him.... I'm prettty sure anyone within a hundred yards of the building got that part! and he's contacting you? Wow persistent lil f***er! He's simply doing all that because he's still living in his silly little fantasy in his own mind. He's just like the rest, trying to fill a void, and for some reason, this guys fantasy is still replayin in his mind, although its been almost a year. what a loser. Good for you for being over him and for not responding. oyi.... Yeah, he's got some kind of fantasy going, doesn't he!
steelknife Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 i never thought people like these exists. until i actually experienced one incident and then read about fieldsofgold post. they really do not respect their wife. i am only talking about fieldsofgolds' and mine xmm. and he doesnt respect me. when dday came, deep inside me, albeit being dumped. i thought he was sad and struggling because he lost me. and all those times he tried to come back and be "friends" fell on deaf ears. i dont wanna be his friend. and he wouldnt stop calling me. so i told his wife. and his wife told me, it wasnt just me the whole time. there was someone else. meaning: other other woman. i reeled from the pain but it opened my eyes to the kind of person i was so inlove with. i still love him but that fact hurt me. but i know now for sure he didnt love me. he just used me. i rang him to tell him f you. you made me act, feel stupid. he apologized.he meant to tell me. duh. when? but then what for, its too late. and i know he was cowering bec i told his wife, he has been texting and calling me. i hanged up the phone. i didnt allow him to say anything anymore. it has been two days since then, i couldnt face it. waht happened. it was a slap in my face. i was like a cartoon character in cartoon network. it was all a joke. 26 months. and i believed all of it. now tell me. why do they do this? it made me realized what kind of person i wasted my life on. i changed my number and im hoping ill never hear from him again. truth be told, am glad i am out of the situation. just dont trust these kind of people. sorry f.o.g. didnt mean to hijack your thread. i got carried away.. havent posted since dec. duh.
Author Fieldsofgold Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 I can't say why, but I do have a solution: BLOCK! Set up a rule to send all emails from his address straight where they belong- in the trash. Smooches to you! Awww, thanks, JT! Yeah, I probably should just have him sent straight to trash!
Author Fieldsofgold Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 i never thought people like these exists. until i actually experienced one incident and then read about fieldsofgold post. they really do not respect their wife. i am only talking about fieldsofgolds' and mine xmm. and he doesnt respect me. when dday came, deep inside me, albeit being dumped. i thought he was sad and struggling because he lost me. and all those times he tried to come back and be "friends" fell on deaf ears. i dont wanna be his friend. and he wouldnt stop calling me. so i told his wife. and his wife told me, it wasnt just me the whole time. there was someone else. meaning: other other woman. i reeled from the pain but it opened my eyes to the kind of person i was so inlove with. i still love him but that fact hurt me. but i know now for sure he didnt love me. he just used me. i rang him to tell him f you. you made me act, feel stupid. he apologized.he meant to tell me. duh. when? but then what for, its too late. and i know he was cowering bec i told his wife, he has been texting and calling me. i hanged up the phone. i didnt allow him to say anything anymore. it has been two days since then, i couldnt face it. waht happened. it was a slap in my face. i was like a cartoon character in cartoon network. it was all a joke. 26 months. and i believed all of it. now tell me. why do they do this? it made me realized what kind of person i wasted my life on. i changed my number and im hoping ill never hear from him again. truth be told, am glad i am out of the situation. just dont trust these kind of people. sorry f.o.g. didnt mean to hijack your thread. i got carried away.. havent posted since dec. duh. Oh, no, no, honey. I'm so sorry. and you didn't t/j. I was actually thinking of you and a couple of other recent posters here, when I started this thread. I am totally over this guy. Well, I do have to admit that when I start writing about it, I DO start feeling the rage again. But I am way beyond the point of being hurt or tempted or tormented by his contact. But I was thinking how hard it must be for some of the women here who WANT to go NC, AND TRY to go NC, and then the man keeps on contacting them. Even if the girl tells him to "f*** off." It must make it SOOOO much harder on you. I just wondered why they do that. As I said in my opening post, they don't want to divorce and have a proper relationship with you, but they won't leave you alone, either. Just like this man, even after all this time, still tried to contact me. And yours wants to "be friends" with you. I really hope the replies here will be helpful to you and others dealing with this. I am learning a lot from it, too. I'm glad you posted, Steelknife. Let's keep hearing from you. You don't need to be dealing with it alone. (((((hugs)))))
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