Bookworm123 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Am I the only one to think you only get one shot for a relationship in the dating world these days? Are we too quick to judge? Talking to my friends, it seems like you either go on one date and call it quits, or you end up in a relationship. But are we giving the potential relationship enough of a chance if we assume after one date that we're just not a match. Obviously if things go terribly wrong no one will blame you for never going out with that person again. But how are we supposed to get to know one another well enough to make a decision that could affect the rest of our lives after one date, and a nervous first (often nervous) date at that? For example, I have a female friend who went out to dinner with a guy for four hours. She said he was ok but she wasn't going to see him again. My question to her was "how in the world can you have a conversation for four hours and not think there could be more there? Go with him to a party or to an amusement park. Get him in a different setting and you may look at him differently." So why is it you don't see people go out on a 2nd or 3rd date and then figure it's not working out? It seems like it's either 1 date, or they're in at least a 2 month relationship. Is it because we are now conditioned to only look for what's "perfect", because your ideal mate could be there if you look a little deeper. I've been guilty of this too so I'm not trying to be preachy, but I think it's time for me to change.
oaks Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 So why is it you don't see people go out on a 2nd or 3rd date and then figure it's not working out? Your premise is false.
Author Bookworm123 Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Your premise is false. Err, I think I have exhibit B. While you are entitled to and I appreciate your opinion, I wish you would at least ask me for clarification of a point before you instantly put it down.
zengirl Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Your premise is false. Agreed. You do see people go on a 2nd or 3rd date and not work out. At least I do. However, to the question, I think whether or not you give up too easily depends on you. Everyone is different. Some people do; some people hang on too much when they should give up! Personally, I have been on far more 1st dates than 2nds. But my criteria has always felt sound to me. If after a 1st date, I had an interest in spending more time with the person AND I thought I found them attractive (not the hottest thing in the world, but I had some level of attraction at least---if I know I'm never going to want him to touch me/kiss me/etc, I don't engage in dating), I went. Didn't have to be mind-blowing. Just worth spending another evening with. Some people/connections just aren't.
oaks Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Err, I think I have exhibit B. While you are entitled to and I appreciate your opinion, I wish you would at least ask me for clarification of a point before you instantly put it down. Ok. Why don't you think people go on 2nd or 3rd dates and then figure out it's not working? I've been on such dates, so I know that it happens.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I doubt most polite people actually walk out on a date. I mean if a person doesn't find his/her date attractive, would you think that they say " sorry, I'm not feeling it" and then walk away? When you're dating, you're technically not in a relationship. A relationship takes TIME to develop, whereas 4 hours is merely the get-to-know-you phase. If someone doesn't feel it, better to break it off early rather than prolong and drag it out. What your friend did was reasonable at least she was honest about what she's looking for.
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 OP, I see it as differing relationship and attraction *styles*. If you are one who 'gets to know' people and 'builds attraction' over time and interaction, you'd likely be incompatible with someone who needs to feel 'love at first sight' from the standpoint of relationship potential. Those who would reject you out of hand after a perceptually positive and enjoyable first date simply have an incompatible attraction style and the really good news is you didn't waste any more of your valuable energy and interest on pursuing your style with them, since they were honest and rejected you straight away. A similar, though opposite dynamic could evolve if the instant attraction person found you attractive and agreed to future dates and you, with your style of slow growth, found after a number of dates that they were incompatible and dumped them. They'd perceive your perspective with much the same feeling of being rejected as you did in the first scenario. They might have *presumed* from your continued interest that you felt the same way they did. Different perceptions, different perspectives, differing aspects of compatibility. IMO, there's no right or wrong here, nor 'too quickly' or 'too slowly'.
Star Gazer Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 There is nothing wrong with ending a courtship/relationship/date as soon as you realize the other person doesn't do it for you and never will, regardless of whether that's after the first date, or fifth, or 10 months in (you get the idea). 2nd and 3rd dates that are usually born from attraction. If there isn't a 2nd or a 3rd, it's probably because one or both people aren't attracted.
muse08 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) In most cases, people have a gut feeling about someone during the early stages of meeting. When someone isn't right for you ,they're just not right for you. Some people have a tendency to try and see things in others, that aren't really present in another individual. That's when problems start. People who end relationships quickly have that right, but a greater issue IMO is when people stay in relationships that should have ended sooner than later. Motive is something we can't always see in people, but if people were more honest with themselves, A) we'd probably have much more single people walking around B) People could be more honest w/others...then maybe more people would find their true soul mates. Edited January 26, 2011 by muse08
GoodOnPaper Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Am I the only one to think you only get one shot for a relationship in the dating world these days? I doubt if "these days" are very different in that regard. When I was single 20 years ago, it was the same story. My experience was that without top-notch looks or a flashy personality that could wow a woman on the first date -- or even in the first few minutes of meeting her -- it was VERY tough sledding. I like Carhill's attraction style concept. I very much fit this mold . . . one who 'gets to know' people and 'builds attraction' over time and interaction . . . but do women with this attraction style actually exist? I never found one.
Author Bookworm123 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 xpaperxcutx - It's my fault for not making it more clear but if I remember correctly, they went to coffee after dinner. I don't think they had a 4 hour dinner. I thought that would be a natural time to call it a night if she wasn't feeling it. Not sure if that changes your opinion. I do agree with you that it would be rude to leave in the middle of a date, for whatever the reason. Oaks - To answer your question, I feel like people say there's no potential if they don't feel that instant white-hot spark on date 1. At the same time, I feel like the more time and dates they put in, they feel like they've invested a certain amount of energy and so they're more willing to stick with it. It just seems like there's this weird gap between date 1 and say date 5 where if you made it to date 2 you're probably getting to date 5. So it's like I know if I go on date 2 I better really like the other person because now I'm investing even more time when I could have gone out with someone else. I may be wrong, but that's why I asked. I guess the whole point was she said the guy was ok. Not great, not terrible, but ok. I just hate to think though that she may have missed out on a great guy because sparks didn't fly from the beginning. Maybe he was nervous, or inexperienced or had a bad day at the office. Who knows. But like muse08 said, she has her right to end it if she so chooses. Ultimately I think that carhill has the right analysis in that people just look at dating differently.
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 but do women with this attraction style actually exist? I never found one. Good question. If anecdotes on LS are any indicator, there are some who *say* they have such an attraction style. Whether that is really true or not IDK. I've met very few healthy women with that attraction style. Of course, of billions of women in the world, my sample size is infinitesimal. This is why, once I'm clear of the divorce financial hole, I'm going to begin traveling the world again. Hope springs, well, something springs anyway.... I figure, rather than lamenting the perception that women I meet 'give up' too easily, I'll go find some who don't. Seek out better compatibility.
daphne Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 . . . but do women with this attraction style actually exist? I never found one. I have learned to be this way. It makes for much more substantial relationships.
brainygirl Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I know that on the one hand, I sometimes wish people would give me a second look, on the other hand, any guy I've dated again even though I had doubts about him or didn't feel all that attracted to, has ended up living up to that slight feeling of not being right for me.
MJ2 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 . . . but do women with this attraction style actually exist? I never found one. ME. IYO is it a bad thing?
GoodOnPaper Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 ME. IYO is it a bad thing? Yes . . . but what can you do? I've just always been bad at the attraction phase and felt much more at home in the steady relationship phase. At a result, the one thing I was good at when it came to women was extending the length of relationships -- they were so rare, I couldn't easily give up on them.
zengirl Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 . . . but do women with this attraction style actually exist? I never found one. Generally, I'd say yes. I know lots of girls who go out with guys they are VERY unsure about to see if they 'get' to like them/be attracted. I do this, to a degree, but there has to be some interest/spark, or else I'd feel like I was just wasting everybody's time. I don't expect fireworks on the first dates, but if I feel repelled in any way or a lot of internal resistance about the guy, I think it'd be dishonest to go out with him again.
Titania22 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 From what I have read in these posts, mostly attraction has been talked about as to whether to pursure further dates or not. Attraction is not the only factor in deciding if someone is a good match for you. One thing I have noticed about most people I have met in the world, is that they tend to believe whatever they believe and tend to criticise (openly or subtley) people with differing belief systems. (Belief systems not referring to merely religion, but to everything in life.) Obviously on a first date, you are not necessarily going to learn much about what the other person believe, but over a long date with much conversation you will find out some little things about them. There anecdotes about situations they have been in, will reveal some of their beliefs, and even their attitude to people who disagree with them. It is very understandable to not want to pursue further dates with someone, whose personality, body language, perspective on the world, or attitude to differences of opinion is at odds to yours. Being that we are unique from each other, in that we have different combinations of likes, dislikes, attitude, personality and belief systems, it is acceptable that the percentage of people who are a good match for you, is quite small. The likelihood that you accept dates from people who happen to fall into this percentae is statistically unlikely, unless you are either really lucky, or you only date people you already know quite well. That being the case, it is reasonable to weed out people who do not fit into this percentage at quickly as possible. And obviously when we add attraction into the mix, it become even rarer. Obviously there are many things about people we are not going to find out about until we know them better. But why waste time on people we know are not a good fit. (Just because we learn very quickly to keep our mouths shut about certain things in front of some people, doesn't mean we agree with what they are saying, or want such people in our space.)
zengirl Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 It is very understandable to not want to pursue further dates with someone, whose personality, body language, perspective on the world, or attitude to differences of opinion is at odds to yours. I get what you're saying, but not why you separate it from attraction. Don't these things feed into attraction, though?
hydorclops Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Here's another way: Don't begin a courtship until you've already gotten to know someone. If your life includes small social groups, over time you get a good experience of other people. You reveal yourselves to each other in dynamic situations. You develop a style of interacting. And it all begins without any pressuring expectations. Even without meeting someone special, interacting in the social group is it's own reward. Internet dating, by contrast, starts with advertising copy, followed by an interview and a quick decision. It's also time spent in a way that has a single focus.
Titania22 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I get what you're saying, but not why you separate it from attraction. Don't these things feed into attraction, though? They do, but the other posts were so focussed on attraction, I just wanted to get people thinking that there is more to a good future relationship than just attraction.
Titania22 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Here's another way: Don't begin a courtship until you've already gotten to know someone. If your life includes small social groups, over time you get a good experience of other people. You reveal yourselves to each other in dynamic situations. You develop a style of interacting. And it all begins without any pressuring expectations. Even without meeting someone special, interacting in the social group is it's own reward. Internet dating, by contrast, starts with advertising copy, followed by an interview and a quick decision. It's also time spent in a way that has a single focus. Yes absolutely. But when people are limited in social circle, it can be difficult to meet a mate that way. I have 3 social circles at the moment. One is people (mostly female) who are around 15 yrs older than me. I meet very few men in this social circle, and they are all excessively older than me. My second social circle is 12-16yr olds, which would make me a pedophile, if I even saw that as an option. My 3rd social circle has the promise, it's my philosophy group. I am friends with lots of guys 0-20yrs older than me, and slowly am developing really close friendships through there. Of course in order for me to even be open to a relationship if the possibility presented, I would have to give up my love of 18-21yr olds. I agree with you though. It seems by far the healthiest and safest way to find a well matched partner.
Questionis Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Its because we want to connect with people who make us feel good about ourselves, who will make the effort. People who only talk about themselves or come out with really insensitive things, eg once on a date a guy said, we went to a strip show and the girl slid upside down on the bar, while looking impressed and pleased. This sentence says alot, 1. goes to strip clubs 2. proud of it 3. proud enough to boast 4. proud enough to boast on first date 5. Not bothered about trying to impress me 6. May actually expect that to impress me If I over look all this and eventually end up in a relationship with him, have the following to look forward to 1. May only be impressed by highly athletic sexual antics 2. May try and suggest we get a stripper pole in bedroom 3. May keep on visiting bars on regular basis 4. May compare stripper behaviour to mine, class me as dull(but I'm not working for tips, and I'm supposed to be your girlfriend not sexual entertainment, perhaps I should compare you to the Dreamboys) Or i could just cut losses, move on..
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