Dating Post-Break-up: Post Your Tips & Experiences Here

[ALonerAgain]

It's been a almost a year since my 4-year r/lationship ended. While my ex has managed to move on with someone else, I'm being a bit more cautious, esp. since I'm the dumpee.

 

When it ended, I made a firm commitment to myself to seriously evaluate my mistakes: my behaviour, my goals, my needs and my boundaries. I have been in therapy since the break-up and seem to be buying the whole of Amazon's self-help stock by the truck-load! I am now more aware of myself and what I need to work on. I'm not under any illusions about getting my ex back (well, not in the sense of getting back together! ): I lost my trust in him ages ago, although it still hurts to think that we both gave up way too easily, IMHO.

 

During this time, I have also avoided dating, being much too vulnerable and weary of starting something new while I am ultimately still healing. While I am nowhere near fully recovered, I have loosened the grip slightly on this 'vow' to allow only casually dating - no 'intimacy', physical or otherwise. The goal? Simply to enjoy the here and now; good company without commitment, and perhaps give me the push forward I need to break from the 'thoughts that bind'. (I don't intend to give up working on my issues either, I'm actually finding the whole psychological insight much too fascinating!)

 

The problem is that I have a tendency to get emotionally attached too quickly. I know already this has to do with my esteem issues, so I am working on trying to build this up. Besides, I know that if I develop a close relationship with the opposite sex it is likely to end up being a rebound. I think that's partly the reason why I've avoided dating: because I don't want to hurt anyone else and ultimately hurt myself even more.

 

Soooo - does anyone here have any tips on dating after a break-up?

 

Or does anybody have any experiences, good or bad about their post-break up dating, that they don't mind sharing? How did you feel dating again? Was your ex in the back of your mind or did the experience genuinely help you move on? Was it a regret or the best thing you ever did?

 

Just to clarify, my focus is on genuine connections: not 1-night stands or sexual hook-ups.

 

TIA for sharing!

Edited January 25, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[Damien]

Not really sure if I'm able to give you any 'tips' so my apologies.

 

We're in the same ship here though, I'm also a dumpee from a 3yr relationship. Yes, I know it's hard to date again, I've tried it once recently and it was far too awkward. I've been to therapy also, should've seen the first week I got dumped - I was a mess!

 

I know it's corny and all but I'm a hopeless romantic. I've always believed that we're all tied together by fate and just from thinking that makes me feel a bit better. Our time will come (although at times it feels like it's taking its sweet time!). But most people will pretty much tell you to focus on yourself, get a new career etc and go out with friends / meet new people, seems like the most sensible route to go anyway.

 

Well, that's the way I think right now, it should apply to you also since we seem pretty similar. Hope it helped

[ALonerAgain]

Not really sure if I'm able to give you any 'tips' so my apologies.

 

We're in the same ship here though, I'm also a dumpee from a 3yr relationship. Yes, I know it's hard to date again, I've tried it once recently and it was far too awkward. I've been to therapy also, should've seen the first week I got dumped - I was a mess!

 

I know it's corny and all but I'm a hopeless romantic. I've always believed that we're all tied together by fate and just from thinking that makes me feel a bit better. Our time will come (although at times it feels like it's taking its sweet time!). But most people will pretty much tell you to focus on yourself, get a new career etc and go out with friends / meet new people, seems like the most sensible route to go anyway.

 

Well, that's the way I think right now, it should apply to you also since we seem pretty similar. Hope it helped

Hi Damien, I see also a fellow Londoner! *waves* And yes, it's always good to hear from people going through the same thing, so you have helped!

 

I'm making a consicous effort to get out and meet more people; just making more friends and social connections. I was talking about this to one of my friends (who is also in therapy) and I said that I was making an effort to have at least 1 non-work related social event a day (almost got it!). I think it's esp. important for me as I'm naturally introverted and live on my own.

 

I think also I'm still trying to get the balance right between being comfortable being single again and not trying to rely on getting most of my emotional sustenance externally, which I've noticed people mostly tend to do a lot: like we will wither away if we're not constantly surrounded by 'someone'.

[Fern]

I'm only out of my 6 year relationship 6 months and have had only one date so far. It hasn't been ideal - he's coming on FAR too strong and I'm aware enough of my own issues that I'm very, very wary of getting involved with him. His actions and reactions are setting off every newly acquired alarm bell I possess. I'm not sure how it works but I definitely think that I'm somehow giving off some sort of vibe that has attracted this guy to me. It's teaching me a lesson about attraction - the more I back off, the more clingy this new guy becomes. It's almost classic commitmentphobe stuff - right down to the fact he's long-distance.

 

Be cautious. That's the one tip/golden rule I'm working from.

[ALonerAgain]

I'm only out of my 6 year relationship 6 months and have had only one date so far. It hasn't been ideal - he's coming on FAR too strong and I'm aware enough of my own issues that I'm very, very wary of getting involved with him. His actions and reactions are setting off every newly acquired alarm bell I possess. I'm not sure how it works but I definitely think that I'm somehow giving off some sort of vibe that has attracted this guy to me. It's teaching me a lesson about attraction - the more I back off, the more clingy this new guy becomes. It's almost classic commitmentphobe stuff - right down to the fact he's long-distance.

 

Be cautious. That's the one tip/golden rule I'm working from.

 

Fern, thanks for the tip.

 

I so understand where you're coming from, because a similar thing is happening to me at work right now. ATM, it's only a friendship and he knows nothing about my personal history as we're bonding over music, but I'm constantly being cautious about how I'm 'presenting' myself.

 

I've actually read Stephen Carter's "He's Scared, She's Scared" and have identified myself as being an Active commitmentphobe (even though my ex was the 1 who ended up 'running away'. I'm more conscious than ever about getting involved in something I know I can easily walk away from. It's driving me crazy though, cos it's like '1 wrong move and I could end up repeating the same mistakes'.

[GreenPolicy]

Fern, thanks for the tip.

 

I so understand where you're coming from, because a similar thing is happening to me at work right now. ATM, it's only a friendship and he knows nothing about my personal history as we're bonding over music, but I'm constantly being cautious about how I'm 'presenting' myself.

 

I've actually read Stephen Carter's "He's Scared, She's Scared" and have identified myself as being an Active commitmentphobe (even though my ex was the 1 who ended up 'running away'. I'm more conscious than ever about getting involved in something I know I can easily walk away from. It's driving me crazy though, cos it's like '1 wrong move and I could end up repeating the same mistakes'.

 

I read that book too. I think my ex is an AC. Do you mind commenting on my story?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/

[Fern]

Fern, thanks for the tip.

 

I so understand where you're coming from, because a similar thing is happening to me at work right now. ATM, it's only a friendship and he knows nothing about my personal history as we're bonding over music, but I'm constantly being cautious about how I'm 'presenting' myself.

 

I've actually read Stephen Carter's "He's Scared, She's Scared" and have identified myself as being an Active commitmentphobe (even though my ex was the 1 who ended up 'running away'. I'm more conscious than ever about getting involved in something I know I can easily walk away from. It's driving me crazy though, cos it's like '1 wrong move and I could end up repeating the same mistakes'.

 

I identified myself as a passive when I read the book - but I seem to have swapped this time! It's not happening. Not again. I'm not getting into anything for at LEAST a year - if he wants to wait around that long, we'll see then how it goes. I will NOT have another serious relationship before August.

[ALonerAgain]

I identified myself as a passive when I read the book - but I seem to have swapped this time! It's not happening. Not again. I'm not getting into anything for at LEAST a year - if he wants to wait around that long, we'll see then how it goes. I will NOT have another serious relationship before August.

 

Good for you.

 

Initially I said I would give myself 6 months before I considered dating again. Guess it just means that you can't put a time limit on emotional healing.

 

Although it would be nice to stop feeling so stuck now and actually be able to move forward.

 

I have thought of this year as one for 'observation': I'm learning how to be 'mindful' about how I interact in relationships: whether that's with family, friends or potential dates.

[bluebirdsfly]

The problem is that I have a tendency to get emotionally attached too quickly. I know already this has to do with my esteem issues, so I am working on trying to build this up.

 

Thank you ALonerAgain! I have this tendency too but I never connected it with my esteem issues. Thank you for the insight. If it's not too much trouble, could you please tell me how you found found how you are working on it?

[radiodarcy]

unfortunately, i don't have any advice since i haven't gotten that far yet. but i am in the same boat. it's only been two months for me. the fact that he strongly urged me to date hasn't increased my inclination to do so since i'm incredibly stubborn and have a tendency to do the exact opposite of what someone tells me to do.

 

at the same time, i'm simply not ready to put myself out there yet. i think dating at this point would be a huge mistake. i need to work on myself and like you - - i get emotionally attached very easily. so i'm just sort of staying in my zone and getting re-acquainted with my own interests (i abandoned those in favor of - - well him). i want to make sure i'm confident enough so that doesn't happen next time - - if there is a next time...

[dng]

Hmm.

 

I've tried different things myself. Almost 7 months ago, my ex left and immediatly got into something new and practically started living with the person. Maybe before she left, maybe right after like she says, there's never anyway to get a straight answer from her and I'm not trying anymore.

 

I felt so hurt and it made me so rush to find something for myself but I didnt, because either I'm not like her or she was way more advanced in her healing procedures than I was.

 

So I tried picking girls up in bars. That didnt really work for me because I was so damaged that I actually wanted to see them again after and at the same time, couldn't stand being around anyone.

 

I tried casual dating but that didnt really work for me either, I couldn't spend that much time with them and also at the time my ex was blowing my phone up almost every night.

 

I tried surrounding myself with female friends but I got confused with all the mixed signals I was receiving and I realised I couldn't be a good friend to anyone at the time because I needed way more talking time than listen time, and women love to talk and be listened to.

 

Now I'm trying more serious dating but I'm taking it slow.

 

Something I noted: I haven't been comfortable sleeping in the same bed with anyone. I don't sleep well, I wake up all the time and I feel like they dont "fit" me, if that makes any sense.

 

I think that somewhere along the line someone will make it easy for me and I'll make it easy for them, when its the right fit.

 

So I guess my answer is that you can't force anything, but be out there and dare try different things and see what works for you. Don't be so harsh on yourselves with the judgements (sleep around if you feel like it, dont worry about rebounds, just tell your story).

[ALonerAgain]

Thank you ALonerAgain! I have this tendency too but I never connected it with my esteem issues. Thank you for the insight. If it's not too much trouble, could you please tell me how you found found how you are working on it?

 

Inner child work. I may start a new thread on self-help books/techniques I've found useful in addressing my negative emotional programming.

[ALonerAgain]

Hmm.

 

Something I noted: I haven't been comfortable sleeping in the same bed with anyone. I don't sleep well, I wake up all the time and I feel like they dont "fit" me, if that makes any sense.

 

I think that somewhere along the line someone will make it easy for me and I'll make it easy for them, when its the right fit.

 

So I guess my answer is that you can't force anything, but be out there and dare try different things and see what works for you. Don't be so harsh on yourselves with the judgements (sleep around if you feel like it, dont worry about rebounds, just tell your story).

 

Dng, it's funny how you mentioned about sleeping arrangements. I get like that when I'm in a new relationship and it becomes physically intimate. I'm very territorial when it comes to sleeping arrangements in that I usually prefer to sleep alone (and often find I sleep better this way). But the same goes for just sleeping over at a friend's or stranger's place: I can't relax and just drift off (well depending on how tired I am) mainly cos I'm constantly worrying about my 'bad' habits (using the bathroom in the middle of the night, tossing/turning if I'm not comfortable - and farting!

 

I commend your courage in taking different tacks. I always wonder how people can just sleep around, but even if I get turned on by that fantasy, in reality I worry and analyse so much about the emotional complexities of getting involved on a primal level. A lot has to do with trust and abandonment issues I have.

[NeNinja]

Realize that it is what it is.

 

If this is a first date you are a long way from a relationship (or even a second date!) So, relax. Be yourself. You have absolutely nothing invested at this point so you have absolutely nothing to lose (and everything to gain) by just being you.

 

Don't be honest about your ex...YET.

 

Nobody wants to hear about this on a first date. If you go on a second or third date you might want to bring it up. Especially if you are both looking for different things. I've told one girl, on our third date. (On the fourth we ran into my ex!)

 

Do it as soon as possible and as well as you can.

 

I'm not saying whore around. But in six weeks since my breakup I've gone on nice dates with four nice girls. None of them went very far or evolved into the 'great' relationship I had lost but each one of them taught me something about myself and gave me a boost in my confidence.

 

Dare to compare

 

Does one of these girls do something you wish your ex had done? Something she was missing? Were there little things that your ex did that you thought all girls just did?

 

Sometimes you don't know what you've got until its gone, other times you don't know what you want until you have it.

[ALonerAgain]

Inner child work. I may start a new thread on self-help books/techniques I've found useful in addressing my negative emotional programming.

 

I've started a thread about this here.

[screwball]

I tend to be the type of person that gets into relationships early and easily. I lose myself in them and it took a LONG time to figure out what MY life goals are now that I am no longer with my ex. My ex and I moved in together after knowing each other only 4 days - the relationship was bliss for 2 years and then she left on account of GIGS.

 

My first date was only a couple months after the breakup and it was horrible. Before that date I was confident that I would meet someone "better". Afterwards, I wasn't so sure. I took several months off of dating after that.

 

After that I started dating again (online) and met a TON of good girls. Unfortunately I wasn't at the point of being able to get excited for the dates, even if they were a perfect fit for me. Had a LOT of dates and saw a few of the girls for a while. In the end, I just couldn't find that excitement for dating and I ended it and took a short break. I felt burnt out from all the dates in such a short period of time. But I was hopeful that there were "better" girls out there as I met several.

 

I recently started dating again; although, I'm being extremely selective. I'm getting more excited to go on dates, but still none of that feeling of "I have to see them!!". I feel close to the point of no longer thinking "better" or "worse" than my ex. The dates are individuals and I'm learning to appreciate them for who they are instead of making comparisons. It's been about a bit over a year since the breakup and while I don't want to rush into a relationship with anyone (still too scared of losing myself), I could see having a relationship with the right person.

Edited January 29, 2011 by screwball

[ALonerAgain]

I tend to be the type of person that gets into relationships early and easily. I lose myself in them and it took a LONG time to figure out what MY life goals are now that I am no longer with my ex.

 

Yeah, me too. Even when I keep telling myself to 'just have fun; keep it light; keep it sweet. It always becomes more. I think for most people, inc me, it's all about filling a void. As you mention, life goals are not supposed to mean finding your life partner (although that could be a welcome consequence).

 

I recently started dating again; although, I'm being extremely selective. I'm getting more excited to go on dates, but still none of that feeling of "I have to see them!!". I feel close to the point of no longer thinking "better" or "worse" than my ex. The dates are individuals and I'm learning to appreciate them for who they are instead of making comparisons. It's been about a bit over a year since the breakup and while I don't want to rush into a relationship with anyone (still too scared of losing myself), I could see having a relationship with the right person.

 

 

Sensible. This is the kind of action I want to take. But I know that if I were to start dating at this point in time, the ex will still be in the back of my mind. And the date will be more to get back at my ex, which wouldn't be fair to the date.

 

I want to learn the art of casual dating: just living in the moment; no great expectations of 'where is this going'; just taking it as it comes. But me being me will always analyse things to death. Darn it!

Edited February 1, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[health]

My situation

- Left girl after 5 year plus relationship cause she was hanging with her guy friend too much - 3 days after - she hooks up with said guy friend

- had a friend with benefits - who was this girl I knew - she was really dirty - been around - would never touch her again - I dealt with her maybee 4 times

- met this girl on a dating site - we slept together the day I met her - she was an alcoholic - after two visits I ended it

- Called this girl who liked me when I was in my relationship

- it could have worked - but she insisted on talking to her ex - when I learned to let go let go let go!

 

- it's been 2 years since my split - can someone tell me how to date too? lol

- I think I went to clubs and bars everyweeked since - shy as hell - when I finally get the nerve to talk to a girl I like and open up...it's a 2 min convo and nothing after that - OR I get their facebook/email - I met like 7 girls this way - email them and they never reply

 

- I go online dating sites - no girls reply to me.

 

- Now I'm in councilling

 

- I think I'm going to totally stop even trying to get a girl for one year - I'm trying my ass off and nothing works -

 

- I was one all about principles and values and still am, but sometimes feel like I'm losing heart

 

- I will be okay though - I exeperienced a break up - and I am committed to healing and success.

[bluebirdsfly]

Inner child work. I may start a new thread on self-help books/techniques I've found useful in addressing my negative emotional programming.

 

Thank you dear. Could you please recommend some book on this subject. This is the first time I heard this and I'd like to know where to start.

 

I read your other post and I can relate a lot. Thank you for pointing out a way.

[depplover_1980]

My goodness how SERIOUSLY you all take dating and in the past I have been guilty of it myself. There is no magical advice, reading piles of overpriced books will help you no more than this free website - they are simply written in hypnotic language to convice you otherwise.

 

What you need to do is date until you find someone who is FUN. Finding someone fun if anyone can remember is someone who makes you laugh and happy, when you find them you automatically want to see them again, it won't need analysing til your brain sizzles, you'll just know.

 

So quit driving yourselves mental and start getting through the numbers until someone is putting a big smirk on your faces.

[ALonerAgain]

My goodness how SERIOUSLY you all take dating and in the past I have been guilty of it myself. There is no magical advice, reading piles of overpriced books will help you no more than this free website - they are simply written in hypnotic language to convice you otherwise.

 

What you need to do is date until you find someone who is FUN. Finding someone fun if anyone can remember is someone who makes you laugh and happy, when you find them you automatically want to see them again, it won't need analysing til your brain sizzles, you'll just know.

 

So quit driving yourselves mental and start getting through the numbers until someone is putting a big smirk on your faces.

 

Hi depplover,

 

Thanks for posting your advice.

 

However, I think the waters are starting to get muddy here.

 

My initial post is not one about "how to date" per se. At least, that's not what my intention is/was.

 

My focus is more about dealing with the "after-math" of those residual feelings after a significant relationship ends. When you no longer wish for your ex to come back, but at the same time, are feeling too 'vulnerable' to get involved with anyone else, seriously or not.

 

Yes, I see your point about "going out and having fun". Date, date, date til you're blue in the face. What I'd be more interested in from your post is how you got past the "taking yourself too seriously" to getting to this state of nonchalance? Is that how you got over your relationships? Did you find it easy to do so? Or did it take months or even years of practicing?

 

The 2nd issue that seems to be getting misconstrued here, is the issue of self-help. Again, self-help in the context that I've mentioned is not about "how to date" per se. After my LTR ended, I noticed a significant pattern in the types of men I was going for. Yes, they were all "fun, fun, fun" to begin with, and on the surface they seemed different from each other. Unfortunately, in the end, they all turned out to be the same. If I was to ignore this patterning and start going off on a whirlwind dating spree, I would have missed the point completely - and would have failed to learn my lessons again.

 

Having said that, I believe that casually dating, will help me to sit back and observe myself and how I interact with others - and yes, I will make sure to have fun as well! It's just a case of getting to a point where I can be totally comfortable with it.

 

Finally, I should mention that I tend to date with the view of getting into a solid, long-term relationship. If you are just talking about dating with no view of making it long-term, then I guess that's where we differ.

Edited February 1, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[ALonerAgain]

My situation

 

- it's been 2 years since my split - can someone tell me how to date too? lol

- I think I went to clubs and bars everyweeked since - shy as hell - when I finally get the nerve to talk to a girl I like and open up...it's a 2 min convo and nothing after that - OR I get their facebook/email - I met like 7 girls this way - email them and they never reply

 

- I go online dating sites - no girls reply to me.

 

- Now I'm in councilling

 

- I think I'm going to totally stop even trying to get a girl for one year - I'm trying my ass off and nothing works -

 

- I was one all about principles and values and still am, but sometimes feel like I'm losing heart

 

- I will be okay though - I exeperienced a break up - and I am committed to healing and success.

 

 

health, well it took guts to get yourself out there, I'll give you that.

 

Damn those principles, eh? Why can't we be like the millions of others out there who just don't get emotional over it! Surely it's gotta be easier for them??

 

I'll tell you something though: counselling rules. Lol. Seriously, even though I'm struggling, emotionally, day after day, I think ultimately I'm where I need to be right now: alone and figuring it all out - by myself. If there's one thing I've read so far that's stuck it's: instant gratification. We don't learn, cos we want it now. And then regret it later.

 

At least that's the way it's played out for me.

[ALonerAgain]

Thank you dear. Could you please recommend some book on this subject. This is the first time I heard this and I'd like to know where to start.

 

I read your other post and I can relate a lot. Thank you for pointing out a way.

 

You want some books? Ok, here's a few that have been helpful and insightful for me (some I've finished reading, others are waiting to be read):

 

"The Journey from Abandonment to Healing"

"Tamaing YOur Outer Child" - both by Susan Anderson

 

"Inner Bonding" - Margaret Paul

 

"He's Scared, She's Scared" - Stephen Carter

 

I've posted more (with a sentence about what each covers) on my other thread.

[screwball]

Date, date, date til you're blue in the face. What I'd be more interested in from your post is how you got past the "taking yourself too seriously" to getting to this state of nonchalance? Is that how you got over your relationships? Did you find it easy to do so? Or did it take months or even years of practicing?

 

I've dated like that once. Figured that love was just a numbers game, so I dated as many people as I could to see where it went and if any eventually would turn into a LTR. Maybe it's my personality, but it just didn't work! I ended up on something like dates with 15 people in the span of a few months. Some of the people I saw multiple times.

 

What got me was how predictable it all became. No matter what we did or who I was with, I could give a pretty good sequence of how the night was going to go. People were no longer unique snowflakes, dating lost its magic, and I no longer was excited to go out.

 

I agree that dating should be fun!! It shouldn't be an interview and you should just be enjoying each other's company. But I think that each date has to be treated as *special*. Meaning I think it should be taken seriously that two people are setting time aside to spend with each other, so both parties should show up fully present and in the moment. I don't think you can think of a date as "meh, we'll just show up and hang out and have a good time".

 

I've also been with really fun people that would not make a good relationship partner, so you have to be somewhat picky that way

[TG4MJ]

Up until a week and a half ago, I was dating a woman that I would do anything for. In return, she, well, dumped me about a week and a half ago. Nice to know you get what you give in life eh ? Anyways, you seem like a good hearted person. I respect and admire, that, even more when you still maintain your good heart despite going thru things like this, but for lack of a better terms, your too f***ing soft for your own good ! Not a good trait to carry nowdays when dating. Scuse me while I offer some advice that will help thicken your skin:

 

You seem to be a good person, and you don't deserve to be hurt like this, in fact I'd even be brazen enough to say that being a nice guy/girl makes you ABOVE being hurt in any way, shape or form. Consequently, there's nothing wrong with taking that pain, and dishing it out to people who *DO* deserve to be hurt in *EVERY* way, shape, and form. Needless to say in this day and age potential targets are everywhere. Thugs, punks, belligerent drunks, aggressive panhandlers, arrogant Martial arts punks/boxers, convicted sex offenders, abusive boyfriends/husbands, thieves, guys who have no respect for women, and just plain ol bullies. Every time I was dumped or rejected from 03-08 up till now I've responded by simply saying "ok then" to the dumper/rejector, calmly walking away from her, gone out, and rampaged on people I just described (relax, they were all the instigators and were all blatant about their intent to confront me or harm me so it's not like I did it for no reason). Just always make sure that your mark is never in a position to call the police, getting arrested sucks, specially when you're not really cut out for lock up.