lostyears Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Hi I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years on Saturday and am finding it extremely hard even though, I think(!) I've done the right thing. Admittedly, I broke it off in a fit of temper but, the reason would have been the same either way. I am 42 and he is 34 and I have a son from a previous marriage who is now aged 15. My ex has always refused to commit, ie for us to buy a house together though, admittedly, he wasn't really in a financial position to do so. I have my own house and, run my own business from home and, he lived with me a lot though, made very little financial contribution. Anyway, in April 2009 we split up and he went to live 2 hours away with family. We got back together in the June but, he stayed there. Then, he came into some money in February of last year and started up a business, still 2 hours away. The business isn't going at all well and, I tried to get him to stop or, at least get a promise that if it was still going badly in another year to stop and come home. He said that was a bit "drastic". Things have gone from bad to worse, we only saw each other when he would turn up shattered late on a Saturday night and then be gone again early hours of Monday morning. He wouldn't always text me of an evening or, would not answer his phone which made me feel like I wasn't being thought about but, I explained this to him and, that with not seeing him, a text of an evening made all the difference to me. Anyway, it was now getting to the point where he was spending w/e up there doing things for his family, unable to afford to get the car fixed or spend money on a train ticket (managed to go out on the razz mind you!) and I flipped out and told him that if he couldn't give me 52 days a year (ie every Sunday) then, that was it, we were through as, that wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted. Spoke to him on Monday and, he said that there was more to it than that, we always had been on/off and, if he had felt more secure he would have committed to me but, he did not feel like taking the risk of buying a house with me and that my demands were draining (ie give me every Sunday). So, here I am, unable to carry on unless I have the commitment and, have established NC. I feel sick to my stomach, I do live him dearly, we do get on like a house on fire (although sometimes those are raging hoo-has!) but, we had a fabulous ten days at Christmas, the best in a long time. I have said sorry to the way I spoke to him but, I cannot go back unless something gives. I feel like I have given him my everything and got not much back. We've been here before and got back together, usually me backing down and going back to him but, nothing ever changes and, still no commitment from him. It really hurts - how do you get through this? What do I do when he rings - which I know he will. He always wants to be friends and gets angry when I refuse. Then about two weeks later we always get back together. I need to break this cycle - either things changing for us together or, getting through it and being without him in my life. Any suggestions - sorry it's so long and, left out loads too. God bless xxxx
Leandro Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 You need to start NC. He isn't ready to commit. Nothing you can do about that.
Author lostyears Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 I know I do and, I am going to try so hard this time to break this horrible, gut wrenching cycle. But, I know he will come out with the same line of, you don't want to be friends because we never were friends and, then when I explain it's because he is my best friend and my lover and, that I can't just go back to being just friends, it hurts too much - he just gets angry with me and can't see why I need the NC. And then I always back down, we have a few coffees, go for a couple of walks and we always end up back together and nothing ever changes. But, not this time, I know I need to be strong but, it really hurts, I'm not functioning properly, my work is suffering - I have always thought, it will be different this time. I need a mantra for me and, something to say to him that will show that I really mean it this time that things have to change, together or apart
Leandro Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Don't let his anger get you down. He can throw a fit like a little kid.
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