PyePiper Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) I’m 22 years old and i was dating a guy who is 24. We were dating for 10 months and we had a few issues with bickering. He’s a virgo and I’m a Gemini so we defiantly but heads about the way life is. The relationship was ok, better than I’ve been treated in the past. He cared a lot and it was clear he cared more than I did. We always had fun together and had similar interests. He was always excited to see me and be around me. It bothered me he wouldn’t get a job or wasn’t interested in college. I helped him get a job, I paid for his interview clothes, told a friend to look out for him in the company, even escorted him. He got the job and now I felt like we were on the horizon for better days He had issues with me being friends with my ex who is in prison (I know it sounds bad, it is). I would write him letters and this made my boyfriend insecure. He never told me not to write him and when we got together I was up front about the friendship. I didn’t have anything to hide and I didn’t have any old feelings for my ex. He sent me a text out of no where breaking up with me. He said he couldn’t be the man I needed and wanted me to be happy. He said we didn’t understand each other and he’s tried countless times to be the perfect person for me. I was shocked I didn’t have any idea he was unhappy. He’s very closed off about his emotions sometimes I had to bother him for days before he’d share how he really felt. I told him to call me and when he did he was adamant about his decision. I was furious I felt used. I did a lot for him in the months we dated. I paid for his food, I let him stay with me cuz he had trouble at home. I could make an endless list. I just feel bad because now that he has this job and his life is getting better he just up and leaves me? Doesn’t even respect me enough to tell me to my face. We started arguing and he said he couldn’t deal with me writing my ex. He thought I was still in love with him and that hurt me. He said he found a letter I wrote him on my laptop where I said I’d always love him(this was sometime in September but he never mentioned until now!). He failed to mention at the end of that sentence was a “but we can only be friends.” This made me angry because he told me he’d never snoop around in my things. He never asks about my letters and he said he’d prefer I not tell him anything. I told him in the argument that I’d just sent a letter to my ex telling him to stop writing me because I had moved on and the friendship was straining the new relationship. He didn’t believe me and he said he believed if I had the choice I’d choose my ex over him. He hung up shortly after and now I don’t know how to feel. I miss him but I know I hadn’t fallen in love with him yet. He said he loved me but I just wasn’t ready yet. During that argument he told me he’d fallen out of love with me. That once he found the letter it ate away him until he made this decision to leave. My older sister thinks he’s faking for attention. I’m not sure that’s true. He took me off his friends list on facebook, even deleted all the pictures of me. He said he’d give me the money I lent him and I don’t know if he’ll do that either. I’m just shocked I did so much for him, I cared so much for him. His family is really mean to him and I was always there when he needed me. Does this sound like a ploy for attention? Should I wait for him? Should I hope he’ll call? Or if he does I don’t think I should take him back because this was extreme. It hurt I cried all night, I was so shocked. If it’s just for attention that’s messed up! I can’t imagine him being upset about this letter for months and not telling me. Should I think there’s something else behind the break up? I asked him if he’d found someone else and he said no and I believe that. He didn’t seem like the type to cheat but then he also didn’t seem like the type to break it off expectedly through a text message. Should I belive him when he said there was no one else? Should I expect him to pay me the money he owes me now that it’s over? Should I call him? Should I ask for my personal belongs back from him? Should I see this as a blessing because he’s crazy? I don’t know how to feel I’m just shocked Edited January 25, 2011 by PyePiper pasted from microsoft word and it left code in the text
Movingthrough Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 What i have honestly learned through my whole breakup is all of this is a lot easier then we make it out to be. It technically doesnt matter what his problem is, or how he broke it off. My ex did it by text when when i went out of town, the easiest way out. But the reality is there was an issue there, yours too. When someone breaks it off, its for a reason. We usually as humans can sit there and say i love you i want you etc because we are trying to convince ourselves that it will work out, almost like forcing. There is no way he doesnt have feelings for you, or didnt have feelings for you, he did. But something was there that didnt connect and i bet if you look back you can find it. Im by no means an expert but these are things im slowly seeing throughout my breakup is a lot of it is easier then we make it out to be. We hate rejection, and we want things to work, so we look past the red flags. The fact that he had no motivation to make a life for him, and you had to baby him, is a huge red flag for immaturity, so for him to do what he did is not a huge surprise. You need to go NC and let him deal with not having you around, thats the only way.
heartshaped Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Take a deep breath, then, let it go. I don't think he was the one for you. It had been almost a year, you weren't in love with him, and just as recently as September you told your ex you would always love you. It doesn't matter what you said at the end of it, it matters that that was a very inappropriate thing for you to say when you had been in a relationship for about six months or so. Really, it was inappropriate for you to remain in contact with your ex at all when in a new relationship and it eventually destroyed this relationship. But you live you learn. It does seem like you were unsatisfied with his level of ambition, but again, it just doesn't seem like he was the one for you. It seems like you are more upset about your lost of investment in all that you have done for him rather than the loss of him. I think he honestly did you both a favor. I don't think there's anyone else, I just think he could see and admit to what you couldn't; that the two of you obviously just aren't right for each other.
Author PyePiper Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Thank you both for replying. MovingThrough - i think you have a point that i shouldnt contact him. Now that it's sinking in more ifeel obessed with wanting answers from him. I dont want to chace someone that doesnt want to be with me. HeartShaped - i still feel my post was too long but i'm upset i didnt convey myself in the best light. When i started dating my boyfriend he knew i was friends with my ex and he said he could handle it. I thought in a stupid way that i could slowly stop writing my ex and it would not hurt him or me as much because we were best friends before we were together. Perhaps i did ruin this relationship though and realizing that theory is extremely painful. The investment of this relationship was great. I feel i did a lot more for him then he did me and i'm just in pain over feeling used. It takes me a while to fall in love and i knew i was close with my current boyfriend i just didnt want to jump the gun. He knew i cared i was always there when he needed me. I'm holding out for contact but i really want answers. I realize now i want to work it out. I wish he'd let me talk to him.
Author PyePiper Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 I caved in i broke NC. I'm just so lost as to why this happened. I need answers now! So i thought about it and i sent him a text asking if we could talk. I made it really casual i think. This is what i said: Me: I wanted to know if we could talk? i know it's over but i'd like to speak on it. no yelling i promise. Him: about what?? Me: what you were saying to me. i was angry i want to really explain and hear you out. i know you dont want to see me i'm asking for a phone call. Him: maybe tomorrow i'm still sick (he caught a virus or something) I didnt reply after that cuz i thought that was a lame excuse. I figured i'll wait tomorrow till the evening and then send him a text asking if he's feeling better. I'll ask again if we can talk but if he puts me off again i'll just have to leave it alone. I dont want to chase him that's not right! I'm torn between wanting to work it out and just wanting to tell him my side. Tell him i thought it was wrong he broke it off via text. I also want to tell him i'm truly sorry for making him feel like my friendship with my ex was more improtant than he was, it wasn't. If he wants to work it out should i? this seems an extreme step to get my attention and make me drop the friendship with my ex. Even though i have already. I'd be afraid whenever he wasn't in contact with me he'd be planning to leave again. Or maybe i should just belive him when he says it's over? I just can't understand how he could be so into me and then shut off those feelings completely. I'm gonna try to make a pros and cons list about getting back together so atleast i can have it nearby if we talk on the phone tomorrow.
D-Lish Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) He had issues with me being friends with my ex who is in prison (I know it sounds bad, it is). I would write him letters and this made my boyfriend insecure. He never told me not to write him and when we got together I was up front about the friendship. I didn’t have anything to hide and I didn’t have any old feelings for my ex. Writing the letters to your ex made your bf feel insecure- but you continued to write the ex regardless, knowing that doing so upset him. Then you claim to feel "shocked" when he stood up for himself. We started arguing and he said he couldn’t deal with me writing my ex. He thought I was still in love with him and that hurt me. That hurt YOU? Imagine how he was hurt by dealing with you writing your ex while you were supposed to be with him! He said he found a letter I wrote him on my laptop where I said I’d always love him(this was sometime in September but he never mentioned until now!). He failed to mention at the end of that sentence was a “but we can only be friends.” This made me angry because he told me he’d never snoop around in my things. He never asks about my letters and he said he’d prefer I not tell him anything. I told him in the argument that I’d just sent a letter to my ex telling him to stop writing me because I had moved on and the friendship was straining the new relationship. He didn’t believe me and he said he believed if I had the choice I’d choose my ex over him. I'm not surprised he was angry. Regardless of whether or not you told the ex you only wanted to be friends, you prefaced it with you'd always love him. How do you think reading that made your bf feel? He hung up shortly after and now I don’t know how to feel. I miss him but I know I hadn’t fallen in love with him yet. He said he loved me but I just wasn’t ready yet. During that argument he told me he’d fallen out of love with me. That once he found the letter it ate away him until he made this decision to leave. So, on top of telling your ex you'd always love him, you couldn't reciprocate your love for the new guy? Why does it shock you that your new guy wanted to bolt? I'd bolt too!! My older sister thinks he’s faking for attention. I’m not sure that’s true. He took me off his friends list on facebook, even deleted all the pictures of me. He said he’d give me the money I lent him and I don’t know if he’ll do that either. I’m just shocked I did so much for him, I cared so much for him. His family is really mean to him and I was always there when he needed me. Does this sound like a ploy for attention? No, it doesn't sound like a ploy for attention , it sounds like your new guy decided he wasn't willing to settle for being second best, and who could blame him? Should I belive him when he said there was no one else? Should I expect him to pay me the money he owes me now that it’s over? Should I call him? Should I ask for my personal belongs back from him? Should I see this as a blessing because he’s crazy? I don’t know how to feel I’m just shocked He's not at all crazy, he's protecting himself, and rightly so. It boggles my mind that this "shocks" you. You're dating the new guy while having loving correspondence with your ex. The new guy isn't crazy, he's taking a stand. You seem to have zero empathy for your current guy. He essentially stumbled across love letters between you and your ex and he chose to bail. He decided he deserved better and in my opinion, he does. Edited January 26, 2011 by D-Lish
Author PyePiper Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 wow d-lish that was really harsh! i can only explain portions in these posts. i was at fault i know that and i want to tell him this. he wasn't second best i was just dealing with my ex in a stupid manner. i really hope he can try to forgive me. you cant know how good i was for his life even with this situation. i cared for him so much and i wanted the best for him. i told my ex off i told him we couldnt write anymore before my bf broke up with me. i just want him to hear me out even if he doesnt want to tyr and work it out. i want him to know i was wrong and that i feel it. i was trying to be a friend to my ex and that hurt my boyfriend i didnt mean to hurt him. i realize i cant be friends iwth my ex now, iwas so stupid to try and be his friend cuz i felt bad he didnt have anyone. i can be better i hope he'll listen. thanks for the honesty i see your point
suddendumpee Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I'm going to join in on the harshness. He's not crazy YOU are. He isn't looking for attention, YOU were. That's why you kept writing your ex knowing that it bothered your current. You enjoyed the attention from him even though the attention you were getting at home should have been enough. Your ex deserves better. I applaud him. You are exactly the type of girl all of us here are constantly venting about. Selfish as hell, and take no responsibility in causing insecurity with your BF. And now that he's gone, you're heartbroken. Surprise, surprise. You are getting exactly what you deserve. Hopefully when your ex ex gets out of prison, you can reconnect. I think you share more common values with him.
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