East7 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks guys :) Unfortunately it kinda fell flat on it's face before it even left the starting gate as it turns out that there has been someone else in the picture for some time, but that it's being kept quiet:( Can't think of anything else to say at the moment .. obviously a bit "down" given the answer, but on the other hand I am SO humbly proud of "li'l old me" for being willing to risk being so truthful about my feelings. Trying hard not to see the outcome as just another confirmation that what I learnt as a child really is true :( Chris Don't worry Chris, the thing is that with a woman you shouldn't wait too much time before showing interest. If you behave like a friend she will end up considering you just a friend. Sometimes it is better to take a risk at the very beginning so you know if she reciprocates and you don't expect anything else in the future. And this is true whatever the age-range, it is not just a young people's tip. One of the things I have learned since young is that you should never let your self-esteem affected just because someone is not interested. One day or other, there is always someone that will be romantically interested on you, it is just a matter of prospects and time.
Author lovingwhatis Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Dear Chris, (((Hugs))) Im sorry to hear this, i know it isnt easy.. But it doesn't mean that being brave and open was a mistake. i did a similar thing recently, i asked a guy i've liked out through email, he didn't say anything.. It brought up some of my unworthiness feelings out.. but you know what, i stayed with them, i went through it feeling my feelings and came out on the other end not believing that childhood story. i totally see that in you too, the process of realization of your own worth. We as kids didn't know better, now we see the vastness of a different reality that we can experience once we let go of the railing. You are beautiful!
MorningCoffee Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Aw, too bad, man. I know the feeling. Ugh. Sure, it doesn't feel it, but if it was not going where you hoped for, better it be now, and not two or three weeks (or months) from now, right? I've done that in the past, spent months investing in a hoped-for romance before letting her know of my hopes and then been disappointed. It's easy to do with someone we come to know, admire, and have feelings for. But look at all you have gained - you've found that you can develop feelings for someone, and you've survived taking the risk. Excellent. And now you know what you needed to know and will act accordingly. Take care, Chris. Next time (and there will be a next time) will be easier.
tami-chan Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Hello everyone, I am curious as to what have been your experiences of dating someone else (not AP) after an A. What issues and trepidations have you had or are you having? Rebound relationship? How long was it before you were ready to make that step? Does the issue of the A crop up more than any other previous R? Were you hesitant to talk about the A? Thanks! Up until recently I wasn't even seriously considering dating, but now I realize that enforcing singleness too long is also a way to escape living life fully and opening up to intimacy. I've also had commitment issues in the past and have broken up with the last 5 people I have dated. I have been single by choice for more than a year now. While it has truly been a rewarding experience in learning to be alone, I feel it is now time to begin a different cycle. I believe secure men will not hold your past affair against you. That is my experience.
silverplanets Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Don't worry Chris, the thing is that with a woman you shouldn't wait too much time before showing interest. If you behave like a friend she will end up considering you just a friend. Sometimes it is better to take a risk at the very beginning so you know if she reciprocates and you don't expect anything else in the future. And this is true whatever the age-range, it is not just a young people's tip. One of the things I have learned since young is that you should never let your self-esteem affected just because someone is not interested. One day or other, there is always someone that will be romantically interested on you, it is just a matter of prospects and time. Dear Chris, (((Hugs))) Im sorry to hear this, i know it isnt easy.. But it doesn't mean that being brave and open was a mistake. i did a similar thing recently, i asked a guy i've liked out through email, he didn't say anything.. It brought up some of my unworthiness feelings out.. but you know what, i stayed with them, i went through it feeling my feelings and came out on the other end not believing that childhood story. i totally see that in you too, the process of realization of your own worth. We as kids didn't know better, now we see the vastness of a different reality that we can experience once we let go of the railing. You are beautiful! Aw, too bad, man. I know the feeling. Ugh. Sure, it doesn't feel it, but if it was not going where you hoped for, better it be now, and not two or three weeks (or months) from now, right? I've done that in the past, spent months investing in a hoped-for romance before letting her know of my hopes and then been disappointed. It's easy to do with someone we come to know, admire, and have feelings for. But look at all you have gained - you've found that you can develop feelings for someone, and you've survived taking the risk. Excellent. And now you know what you needed to know and will act accordingly. Take care, Chris. Next time (and there will be a next time) will be easier. Thanks guys :) Let myself have a wallow last night and then worked hard to get myself into a better place today. I think I'm ok about it all, and more importantly I think the core of me that I have been trying hard to re-wire over the past few years is proving resilient. I might post on it one day .. it's odd .. it's like I can hear the voices from long ago telling me that no-one could ever love me, but that I genuinly don't believe it any more. Throughtout most of my life before this it has been the opposite way around .. I have worked at telling myself that I was lovable, but deep down I genuinly didn't believe it. So it's a shame and I am genuinly a little sad, but that's ok, it is what it is and I am ok with that. What's more important is that I was willing to act on my feelings and be honest about them ... and that's a real big step for me. Chris :)
MorningCoffee Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Thanks guys :) Let myself have a wallow last night and then worked hard to get myself into a better place today. I think I'm ok about it all, and more importantly I think the core of me that I have been trying hard to re-wire over the past few years is proving resilient. I might post on it one day .. it's odd .. it's like I can hear the voices from long ago telling me that no-one could ever love me, but that I genuinly don't believe it any more. Throughtout most of my life before this it has been the opposite way around .. I have worked at telling myself that I was lovable, but deep down I genuinly didn't believe it. So it's a shame and I am genuinly a little sad, but that's ok, it is what it is and I am ok with that. What's more important is that I was willing to act on my feelings and be honest about them ... and that's a real big step for me. Chris :) Feeling resilient is so encouraging, Chris. Shared a similar experience re deep-seated feelings from childhood. Mine were of what 'love' felt like (yearning for a desired but remote feminine creature - mother, unattainable girlfriends, married lover - to come love me). A pattern I'd repeated numerous times with pain as the result, with the one shining exception of my marriage, where it all did work. But as a widowed single man of late middle-age, the old patterned feelings all came up again and had to be dealt with. With lots of work, sorrow, grief, and loss, as well as love and IC, I came to decide that I was already good enough. Good enough for real reciprocated love. Also forthrightly dealing with feelings. One counselor's advice he sums up as "nothing hidden; nothing half-assed." That is a tough assignment, but rewarding, as far as I have been able to implement it. Keep up the good work, as they say!
Author lovingwhatis Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Chris! So glad you are feeling more resilient than before! That's an awesome feeling! Very glad for your insights, I know they are big ones. To see that old story and perceive it as non believable anymore is priceless. I know it is sometimes back and forth with feeling at peace, but the pattern is different. I had a rough evening yesterday as well, old stuff came up, and I allowed myself to cry. I am still feeling it somewhat but it is better. It is an ebb and flow. MC, I love what your counselor said! That's a great approach. I am sure it can cut the counseling time in half. Thanks for sharing. Thank you both for sharing so openly. It is really helpful! Now I gotta go and deal with some anger that's coming up to an unrelated situation.
silverplanets Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Chris! So glad you are feeling more resilient than before! That's an awesome feeling! Very glad for your insights, I know they are big ones. To see that old story and perceive it as non believable anymore is priceless. I know it is sometimes back and forth with feeling at peace, but the pattern is different. I had a rough evening yesterday as well, old stuff came up, and I allowed myself to cry. I am still feeling it somewhat but it is better. It is an ebb and flow. MC, I love what your counselor said! That's a great approach. I am sure it can cut the counseling time in half. Thanks for sharing. Thank you both for sharing so openly. It is really helpful! Now I gotta go and deal with some anger that's coming up to an unrelated situation. Funny thing is, I think her not being available/into me/whatever is probably the best thing to happen to me right now. It's forced me to accept the situation, acknowledge my feelings and accept that THIS IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL THING TO HAPPEN .. and it's not reflection on me AT ALL. I will still be friends with her as the person who she is, her choices etc haven't changed because she won't go out with me. It's a bit odd knowing that she knows how I feel, but it's also very liberating ... now I know that the answer is no (for whatever reason) then I'm curiously at peace with it. I am perturbed at how she kept her R quiet all this time, and that has raised some questions as to maybe a side of her I am not aware of ... but in any case ... I'm not invested in it and have actually come away from the whole experience on a positive high. Next time I feel these same feelings .. I'll be a lot more direct and know that either they will (or won't) feel the same and either it will (or won't) be a good time for them ..... ... and neither of these things will be a reflection on me ... just them sharing their feelings. I don't want someone whom doesn't feel for me and I don't want to be with someone that I don't feel for .... sharing feelings is the only way to understand all this and it is perfectly likely that sometimes people won't have the same feelings as me (and vice versa) :) So I'm good to go here !!!! take care guys Chris :)
Hazyhead Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I didn't spot this thread the first time, Chris. I was going to pm you my thoughts but then I thought that bringing it back to attention might be a good thing as it's very thought-provoking and inspiring. (There is hope for us all!) Not what I say! I mean the rest of it. Plus, your more recent thread kinda goes with it. I'm pleased that you've reached the place you have as I'd hate to think that the esteem for yourself you've built back up over the last year or so might have been knocked. I'm sorry that the woman you did develop feelings for was/is unavailable - that's bad luck for your first... was going to go for a cheesy analogy there, 'bout saddles and stuff but won't... try. Youre right though, it's not a reflection on you at all. You're brave for asking her in the first place. You, my friend, are quite the catch and what's her loss is your date on Saturday's gain. She's a lucky woman.
Author lovingwhatis Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 What Hazy said! Chris, if you are around, I'd love to hear how you've been doing in the week following the whole experience. I know for me things go in cycles. The down cycles still tend to surprise me, I get this immediate feeling that is like "really, these feelings Again?" But then it passes. You'd think I won't be surprised by now. The whole inner work in my view doesn't magically erase deep childhood stuff. It is still there, quietly sitting, and waiting for a moment of some trigger that can bring it back. Otherwise, I am in a such a different space, so much more joy. I am learning the two can coincide and that is not as contradictory as it seems.
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