Dating a new person after an A

[lovingwhatis]

Hello everyone,

 

I am curious as to what have been your experiences of dating someone else (not AP) after an A. What issues and trepidations have you had or are you having? Rebound relationship? How long was it before you were ready to make that step? Does the issue of the A crop up more than any other previous R? Were you hesitant to talk about the A?

 

Thanks! Up until recently I wasn't even seriously considering dating, but now I realize that enforcing singleness too long is also a way to escape living life fully and opening up to intimacy. I've also had commitment issues in the past and have broken up with the last 5 people I have dated. I have been single by choice for more than a year now. While it has truly been a rewarding experience in learning to be alone, I feel it is now time to begin a different cycle.

[lovingwhatis]

Oh, and Tiger, I just saw your post! You are posing similar questions! I would love to hear more of your experience especially regarding beginning your current R.

[TigerCub]

Oh, and Tiger, I just saw your post! You are posing similar questions! I would love to hear more of your experience especially regarding beginning your current R.

 

Oooh a personal shout out - I think I like

 

I actually dated throughout the A. (not my current bf). And it was just dating, it was never exclusive.

 

My current bf is actually my first love. We have been broken up for almost 5 years, and I dunno, we just ended up talking and catching up one day (outta the blue) and he expressed feelings on wanting to maybe date again.

 

I was hesitant, mainly because I didn't want to date him to fill a void. He deserved way better than that, and I wouldn't use someone in that manner. So I told him that I was unsure about really dating again, but maybe we can just hang out and see how we get along (5 years is a long time, when its going from early 20s to late 20s). So much has changed, we changed, circumstances changes, etc...

 

So we hung out for a while, and being with him again, it brought back a lot of great feelings. I was still hesitant, so I didn't commit to him until after Christmas (I wasn't seeing anyone else), but I wanted to make sure that my wanting to be with him was for no other reason than being with him.

 

As for telling him about the A. I never did. We both know and accept that we have a past and he knows that I've slept with people since we broke up 5 years ago - and I know the same about him. I did have a moment where I thought I should tell him, but honestly, why? its a part of my past, and that one mistake doesn't define who I am. We don't ask questions like 'how many people have you slept with since me?' stuff like that isn't important because what matters is how we are with each other.

 

As you saw in my other post, yes, there are thoughts of xMM, but they are not romantic in ANY way, I don't want him, I don't miss him. I'm just processing what happened I guess, and I know, that in time that will pass.

 

For me (this may not be for everyone), but for me, getting out of the A was the best thing I've ever done, because getting involved in the A was the stupidest thing I've ever done. I am truly happy with my boyfriend, he's honest, sweet, makes me laugh and we make each other happy.

 

Hope my lil novel helped you somehow

[lovingwhatis]

Yes, thank you, this is great!

 

It's awesome that you've reconnected with your love after you've both grown and began seeing the world in a different way. Maybe you've matured after the A? I know you say that it is the biggest mistake you feel that you have made, but many times we learn from those a lot.

 

For me not telling someone I consider dating about the A would be kind of hard, considering how important that part of my life has been. In conversation I would be challenged to explain certain insights without mentioning it. But then again, I see what you mean, this is another R, and if you both aren't speaking about previous Rs, why bring up this one?

 

Thanks again, Tiger! Happy for you!

[TigerCub]

Yes, thank you, this is great!

 

It's awesome that you've reconnected with your love after you've both grown and began seeing the world in a different way. Maybe you've matured after the A? I know you say that it is the biggest mistake you feel that you have made, but many times we learn from those a lot.

Well in our case, I changed a lot and matured a lot but that wasn't due to the A. The A just made me more cynical and made me see how flawed I can be, and sadly enough showed me that I am capable of things I never thought I would do. Maybe that did teach me a lesson, but it was a lesson I never thought I'd need to learn.

 

For me not telling someone I consider dating about the A would be kind of hard, considering how important that part of my life has been.

How long were in the A?

 

In conversation I would be challenged to explain certain insights without mentioning it.

I see what you mean, and honestly, if you feel the need to mention it, do what you need to do. Some people will take it as info and not be judgmental about it, some will (I think there was a thread about that a lil while back). But you'll have to try and see for yourself.

 

 

I see what you mean, this is another R, and if you both aren't speaking about previous Rs, why bring up this one?

That's exactly how I see it.

The A wasn't part of a pattern for me, it was the 1 off. Its something I will never do again, and its in the past. I don't think it should define me.

Its a new R and there is no need to bring baggage from the past into it.

 

 

Thanks again, Tiger! Happy for you!

Thanks Loving, good luck on your dating adventures

[East7]

 

As for telling him about the A. I never did. We both know and accept that we have a past and he knows that I've slept with people since we broke up 5 years ago - and I know the same about him. I did have a moment where I thought I should tell him, but honestly, why?

 

IMO don't tell him ! Some guys may be very judgemental and may not understand you having a R with someone married.

I read in the Dating board a guy dumped his new GF because she confessed she had a MM before. It doesn't mean all the guys are the same, but you never know...

 

As general rule I don't like talking about past R with the new people I date, it is counter-productive even if some guys consider it as a question of trust.

[TigerCub]

IMO don't tell him ! Some guys may be very judgemental and may not understand you having a R with someone married.

I read in the Dating board a guy dumped his new GF because she confessed she had a MM before. It doesn't mean all the guys are the same, but you never know...

 

As general rule I don't like talking about past R with the new people I date, it is counter-productive even if some guys consider it as a question of trust.

 

Oh I totally agree with you East.

I saw that thread about the guy that dumped his gf over it. And funny enough it was around the same time I was thinking of telling my bf about it.

 

Honestly, I just think that the past is the past. I don't want to hear about how many women he's been with and how freaky he got. As long as we're both clean, that's all that matters - its a clean slate.

 

No need to dredge up the baggage of the past - no point in it.

[lovingwhatis]

Thanks, Tiger and East.

 

I see what you mean, but for me honest expression is way more important, and if someone judges me for the EA, we probably will not get along.

 

That's really not what I consider most, for me it is more the issue of allowing myself to be open to a new relationship and not acting out of fears once I am dating.

 

East, you've described the dynamics of loving someone who has low self esteem in your other posts brilliantly. That's what I have been contemplating, whether my pattern of being attracted to that subconsciously has dissipated. I really want to say yes.

[East7]

East, you've described the dynamics of loving someone who has low self esteem in your other posts brilliantly. That's what I have been contemplating, whether my pattern of being attracted to that subconsciously has dissipated. I really want to say yes.

 

I don't know your story, but I guess it is a Giver and a Taker pattern. You are probably a Giver and enjoy "protecting" someone. To know more about this you can read one of my posts :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3206984&postcount=78

[lovingwhatis]

I don't know your story, but I guess it is a Giver and a Taker pattern. You are probably a Giver and enjoy "protecting" someone. To know more about this you can read one of my posts :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3206984&postcount=78

 

Thanks, East! Interesting theory, I contemplated it yesterday. I would actually be more like the "taker", for it was me that bailed out of the relationships. I haven't regretted it at all, for it was the thing to do, and the other people were more invested, or just not capable of doing it, so I made the decisions. I broke up with one person within days of meeting xMM, because it became apparent to me that I couldn't lie to myself about how this relationship could just go on based on the mutual affinity and care we had for each other. A major piece was missing, and I didn't need any more information than that. In another R, I literally made the decision while watching a movie with him, and ended it the next day. The only reason I gave him was that I didn't trust him, I just had this vague feeling that he was lying and didn't need proof, I just followed my intuition.

[blinded_27]

I'd love to hear more stories of people who are now happily dating after leaving an A... it's nice to have hope, because right now it honestly feels like no one will ever measure up.

 

I'm so scared that the passion won't be the same, and that I could never find anyone that shows me the same kind of (although short-lived) love and affection he gives me

 

Has the A tainted anyone in terms of having major trust issues afterwards? I now see how quickly not having any trust can ruin a relationship...

[lovingwhatis]

I'd love to hear more stories of people who are now happily dating after leaving an A... it's nice to have hope, because right now it honestly feels like no one will ever measure up.

 

I'm so scared that the passion won't be the same, and that I could never find anyone that shows me the same kind of (although short-lived) love and affection he gives me

 

Has the A tainted anyone in terms of having major trust issues afterwards? I now see how quickly not having any trust can ruin a relationship...

 

I agree with you, it would be great to hear more stories like that!

 

I feel that my trust issues were put in major focus because of the A. I even jokingly told him about it once, and it actually conflicted with his view of me of the one who is intense and needy.

 

What I've realized is that lack of trust is lack of self-trust projected onto another. I am trusting a lot more now as a result of healing. Thankfully, I also have a friendship w a man who's showed me what it's like to be cherished, loved, respected, supported, and trusted, and I feel that has switched my mindset to a healthier perception of relationships than I had before. Coming from a dysfunctional family, my view was greatly distorted. I knew I deserved more, but when it didn't happen, the only thing I knew how to do was to leave. Things are changing internally. LS is helping too, I am grateful.

[East7]

I'd love to hear more stories of people who are now happily dating after leaving an A... it's nice to have hope, because right now it honestly feels like no one will ever measure up.

 

I'm so scared that the passion won't be the same, and that I could never find anyone that shows me the same kind of (although short-lived) love and affection he gives me

 

Has the A tainted anyone in terms of having major trust issues afterwards? I now see how quickly not having any trust can ruin a relationship...

 

Hi blinded,

 

IME after A, I'm not going to lie, it IS hard to start a new relationship.

 

Personally I dated 2 girls after the A, nothing serious though. That made me understand that I wasn't emotionally available and ready to invest myself in a new R. Too soon, too overwhelmed with memories.

 

What killed me most is that while being with the girlfriend I used to think about xMW, about the passion we had for each-other and the fear to never find it again with someone. Then I thought about my past relationships when I used to think the same way, that I would never love someone again and it made me smile. The experience showed me that I did loved again

 

Yes we CAN love again but it takes time and especially it takes to meet the RIGHT person. Each time I have been in a new relationship, I always considered it better than the previous (except the A itself). Actually I realize that it is not a question of *better*, it is just different, but you are a better person if you have learned from the past. The benefit of past relationships is that you learn 2 major things : 1/ your flaws pointed out by your partner and 2/respecting yourself as individual and respecting your partner. So you learn to be a better person and build a quality R.

 

As for the time-line to invest in a new relationship, I think it is better to stay single for a while and enjoy yourself, see friends, practice hobbies, travel etc. It is important to feel confident and emotionally available in order to feel again the sparks for someone.

 

Generally the counselors advice a minimum of 3 months before investing in a new R, but obviously it depends on how time it takes for you to feel confident and not having residual feelings for xMM.

 

It is also important not to search at any cost the High and the passion you had with xMM, or refusing to date a guy for anything less than butterflies in the stomach. Just know it will happen with the right person in the right time. Meanwhile in the dating process, enjoy the things that you missed in the A, having a person 100% for you, spending vacations together, sitting and giving cuddles on the coach, going out without fear to be caught or hidden.

[SunsetRed]

Excellent post, esp since last night I had my first real date since my xMM.

 

I'm learning new things about myself as I am allowing myself to be open to dating someone new. I think I have a commitment problem myself. I'm also very territorial about my personal space and I can be selfish about giving up my free time for someone else's needs. Maybe I liked being with someone who was unable to commit to me because it allowed me more freedom.

 

I'm not a complete victim of my circumstances, in fact I contributed to them as well. So, as far as dating someone knew, I'm just going to get out there and try. That's all I can do. I'm aware that I have my own personality issues I need to work on.

 

I'm going to give this new guy that I met, a chance. There's no drama with him and no challenges for me to overcome, so I want to learn to appreciate that.

[lovingwhatis]

Hi blinded,

 

IME after A, I'm not going to lie, it IS hard to start a new relationship.

 

Personally I dated 2 girls after the A, nothing serious though. That made me understand that I wasn't emotionally available and ready to invest myself in a new R. Too soon, too overwhelmed with memories.

 

What killed me most is that while being with the girlfriend I used to think about xMW, about the passion we had for each-other and the fear to never find it again with someone. Then I thought about my past relationships when I used to think the same way, that I would never love someone again and it made me smile. The experience showed me that I did loved again

 

Yes we CAN love again but it takes time and especially it takes to meet the RIGHT person. Each time I have been in a new relationship, I always considered it better than the previous (except the A itself). Actually I realize that it is not a question of *better*, it is just different, but you are a better person if you have learned from the past. The benefit of past relationships is that you learn 2 major things : 1/ your flaws pointed out by your partner and 2/respecting yourself as individual and respecting your partner. So you learn to be a better person and build a quality R.

 

As for the time-line to invest in a new relationship, I think it is better to stay single for a while and enjoy yourself, see friends, practice hobbies, travel etc. It is important to feel confident and emotionally available in order to feel again the sparks for someone.

 

Generally the counselors advice a minimum of 3 months before investing in a new R, but obviously it depends on how time it takes for you to feel confident and not having residual feelings for xMM.

 

It is also important not to search at any cost the High and the passion you had with xMM, or refusing to date a guy for anything less than butterflies in the stomach. Just know it will happen with the right person in the right time. Meanwhile in the dating process, enjoy the things that you missed in the A, having a person 100% for you, spending vacations together, sitting and giving cuddles on the coach, going out without fear to be caught or hidden.

 

East, I like your posts.

 

The bolded is so true, we all have thought in times before that we would not experience love again, and yet it happened.

 

My views on love have shifted dramatically in the past few months, which is a good thing. Its very freeing. The R part is something I am trying to figure out, but coming to the place of knowing that it doesn't need to be figured out. Ha.

[lovingwhatis]

Excellent post, esp since last night I had my first real date since my xMM.

 

I'm learning new things about myself as I am allowing myself to be open to dating someone new. I think I have a commitment problem myself. I'm also very territorial about my personal space and I can be selfish about giving up my free time for someone else's needs. Maybe I liked being with someone who was unable to commit to me because it allowed me more freedom.

 

I'm not a complete victim of my circumstances, in fact I contributed to them as well. So, as far as dating someone knew, I'm just going to get out there and try. That's all I can do. I'm aware that I have my own personality issues I need to work on.

 

I'm going to give this new guy that I met, a chance. There's no drama with him and no challenges for me to overcome, so I want to learn to appreciate that.

 

Sunset, I can relate to your post, a lot. That's great that you have figured out that you are not a (complete) victim of your circumstances! Yeah, having commitment fears makes one more comfortable in an A, for it doesn't ask for commitment.

 

Great to hear about your date that went well. Like East, I would say a period of taking it easy after any R is good, but it can be a double edged sword for someone very used to being single.

 

Keep us posted!

[silverplanets]

Hello everyone,

 

I am curious as to what have been your experiences of dating someone else (not AP) after an A. What issues and trepidations have you had or are you having? Rebound relationship? How long was it before you were ready to make that step? Does the issue of the A crop up more than any other previous R? Were you hesitant to talk about the A?

 

Thanks! Up until recently I wasn't even seriously considering dating, but now I realize that enforcing singleness too long is also a way to escape living life fully and opening up to intimacy. I've also had commitment issues in the past and have broken up with the last 5 people I have dated. I have been single by choice for more than a year now. While it has truly been a rewarding experience in learning to be alone, I feel it is now time to begin a different cycle.

 

Hi lwi,

 

This one rang a bell with me. I've been on my own now with my child for over 18 months and not particularly in a relationship (other than with xMW in a differnet country) for many years before that.

 

The past 18 months has been on my own entirely out of choice .. to allow me to (begin !) to sort out my head space, re-find me, my focus etc

 

During this time I have made (and still am making) huge gains in personal insight and understanding as well as big changes in how I live my life. I now spend a lot more time doing things that I ultimately believe benefit other people etc and am in a much happier place.

 

I have become really fond of somone over the last few months though ... someone whom I admire and whom is genuinly evidencing values that I find are quite close to my own.

 

I've not done anything in particular about it, but I am just aware that my heart beat is a little faster when we are close together, that I am acutely conscious of where she is in relation to me at social gatherings and that when we chat I sometimes drift completely off into just smiling like an idiot at her !!!

 

I'm even smiling now typing this !

 

The trouble is, though, that I actually do like her ... and this means that I am aware that distracting her with a relationship might de-focus her from her goals ... and that me getting distracted with a relationship will do likewise to me.

 

So I'm kinda confused about what do do ...

 

But it's not a bad confusion :)... and I'm in no hurry no rush anywhere.

Maybe she doesn't get the same feelings and all we'll ever do is be friends. Maybe I will see different behaviour over time and realise that her direction is different to mine.

 

Whichever, or whatever, she appears to be a genuinly decent person, who has made some brave decisions to leave the city and focus on helping people etc and I genuinly hope that it all works out for her.

 

It's actually just nice to have these feelings pop up inside me and also to know that I am excited enough about my life on my own to not HAVE to act on those feelings with any kind of desperate need.

 

I am also aware that I tended (in the past) to rescue people .. and that this created a negative relationship basis, and so this time I am not jumping in there to rescue anyone ... just letting people be people and continuing to work on myself.

 

I also don't actually believe that I am yet ready for a relationship ... and again, want to leave myself the space and time I need to be really whole and self validating.

 

It's a new space for me ... the lack of urgency to have a relationship ... and the abilility to be happy for myself that I can have feelings for someone and just enjoy it as that ... without the need to necessarily act upon it.

 

I'm just enjoying being .....

 

be safe

Chris

[thissecretgirl]

This is really topical for me because I started dating someone 2 weeks ago.

 

It's six months since DDay and almost a smilar amount of time since NC. I had one date around xmas that didnt go too well, but I didnt let it put me off! I am determined to move on, but until recently I dont think I have been ready emotionally to make that move.

 

I still think about my ex AP, just not as much and somehow not in the same way and I like that. All I know is that I have felt like a different person the last two weeks. I've felt happy and full of hope. It's so nice to have someone who is attentive and can demonstrate it openly.

 

I've been on three dates with him so far and its been great. Its very different to my how it was with me ex; good different. He is also different; physically and emotionally; again good different. The first week I spent 6 hours one night chatting on the phone to him and four the next lol. It only seemed like ten minutes.

 

It is sooooo wonderful to not have to hide and to be able to go out publicly without worrying. This week he bought me breakfast before work and we sat and held hands and then kissed in the street before I left him. This week we are planning a day out by the sea and I am really looking forward to it.

 

He isnt my ex and I have to say, I'm glad because my ex didnt do the sort of things that this man does to demonstrate his feelings.

 

I have noticed some changes in me. I'm yet to work out if they are good or not. Because I have overly compromised previously and been a bit of a pushover, I seem to have gone from one extreme to the other. Its like I've adopted a one strike and you are out policy. I know I am worth more than I had with my ex and i intend to make sure I get it. I do however need to balance this a little I think and not react to what happened by setting the bar so high that noone can achieve it. I've done this once or twice and I think its just a self preservation mechanism. Fortunately he is very patient.

Last week I told him about the affair and what happened ie. being taken to court. I felt it ony fair to let him know. My god he was fantastic. He never doubted my word and I felt closer to him for having shared.

 

I am having such a lovely time right now. I guess I just want people to know, there is life after an affair. And there most definitely is happiness. Sure its different, but different can be good. Hell, different can be better!

There are wonderful relationships and freindships to be had out there, you just have to be ready to let them in.

[lovingwhatis]

Hi lwi,

 

This one rang a bell with me. I've been on my own now with my child for over 18 months and not particularly in a relationship (other than with xMW in a differnet country) for many years before that.

 

The past 18 months has been on my own entirely out of choice .. to allow me to (begin !) to sort out my head space, re-find me, my focus etc

 

During this time I have made (and still am making) huge gains in personal insight and understanding as well as big changes in how I live my life. I now spend a lot more time doing things that I ultimately believe benefit other people etc and am in a much happier place.

 

I have become really fond of somone over the last few months though ... someone whom I admire and whom is genuinly evidencing values that I find are quite close to my own.

 

I've not done anything in particular about it, but I am just aware that my heart beat is a little faster when we are close together, that I am acutely conscious of where she is in relation to me at social gatherings and that when we chat I sometimes drift completely off into just smiling like an idiot at her !!!

 

I'm even smiling now typing this !

 

The trouble is, though, that I actually do like her ... and this means that I am aware that distracting her with a relationship might de-focus her from her goals ... and that me getting distracted with a relationship will do likewise to me.

 

So I'm kinda confused about what do do ...

 

But it's not a bad confusion :)... and I'm in no hurry no rush anywhere.

Maybe she doesn't get the same feelings and all we'll ever do is be friends. Maybe I will see different behaviour over time and realise that her direction is different to mine.

 

Whichever, or whatever, she appears to be a genuinly decent person, who has made some brave decisions to leave the city and focus on helping people etc and I genuinly hope that it all works out for her.

 

It's actually just nice to have these feelings pop up inside me and also to know that I am excited enough about my life on my own to not HAVE to act on those feelings with any kind of desperate need.

 

I am also aware that I tended (in the past) to rescue people .. and that this created a negative relationship basis, and so this time I am not jumping in there to rescue anyone ... just letting people be people and continuing to work on myself.

 

I also don't actually believe that I am yet ready for a relationship ... and again, want to leave myself the space and time I need to be really whole and self validating.

 

It's a new space for me ... the lack of urgency to have a relationship ... and the abilility to be happy for myself that I can have feelings for someone and just enjoy it as that ... without the need to necessarily act upon it.

 

I'm just enjoying being .....

 

be safe

Chris

 

Wow, silverplanets! thanks for that post, so great to hear you are doing so well! That feeling of not having to rush is awesome, isn't it. I can relate with your path, and what you've chosen to do. Its also great that you have a person in your life that makes you smile like that. I would say though, as a friend, so please don't take it the wrong way, but that whole thing about distracting her or yourself with a relationship is fear talking. R are a gift, not a nuisance that derails us from our goals.

 

With that said, I know that feeling of wanting to protract getting into an actual R for as long as possible. Feels safe that way.. Its easier to work on the issues. But there is never a place when we are totally ready. Ultimately, the Rs provide that space for us to stretch beyond what we ever thought was possible.

 

Just thoughts.. I know you will understand where I am coming from.

 

And one last thing, the being friends with someone as a substitute for a relationship. I've had experienced it, and while it can be very rewarding, it cannot be a permanent substitute. Like you, I've shied away for a while now, and I used to go on dates a lot. I realized that it was not the way to fix things. If anything it confuses things further.

 

Thanks one more time! Please share if you decide to ask her out.

[lovingwhatis]

This is really topical for me because I started dating someone 2 weeks ago.

 

It's six months since DDay and almost a smilar amount of time since NC. I had one date around xmas that didnt go too well, but I didnt let it put me off! I am determined to move on, but until recently I dont think I have been ready emotionally to make that move.

 

I still think about my ex AP, just not as much and somehow not in the same way and I like that. All I know is that I have felt like a different person the last two weeks. I've felt happy and full of hope. It's so nice to have someone who is attentive and can demonstrate it openly.

 

I've been on three dates with him so far and its been great. Its very different to my how it was with me ex; good different. He is also different; physically and emotionally; again good different. The first week I spent 6 hours one night chatting on the phone to him and four the next lol. It only seemed like ten minutes.

 

It is sooooo wonderful to not have to hide and to be able to go out publicly without worrying. This week he bought me breakfast before work and we sat and held hands and then kissed in the street before I left him. This week we are planning a day out by the sea and I am really looking forward to it.

 

He isnt my ex and I have to say, I'm glad because my ex didnt do the sort of things that this man does to demonstrate his feelings.

 

I have noticed some changes in me. I'm yet to work out if they are good or not. Because I have overly compromised previously and been a bit of a pushover, I seem to have gone from one extreme to the other. Its like I've adopted a one strike and you are out policy. I know I am worth more than I had with my ex and i intend to make sure I get it. I do however need to balance this a little I think and not react to what happened by setting the bar so high that noone can achieve it. I've done this once or twice and I think its just a self preservation mechanism. Fortunately he is very patient.

Last week I told him about the affair and what happened ie. being taken to court. I felt it ony fair to let him know. My god he was fantastic. He never doubted my word and I felt closer to him for having shared.

 

I am having such a lovely time right now. I guess I just want people to know, there is life after an affair. And there most definitely is happiness. Sure its different, but different can be good. Hell, different can be better!

There are wonderful relationships and freindships to be had out there, you just have to be ready to let them in.

 

Thanks, secretgirl! Those are great realizations! Especially the one about overcompensating and wanting him to prove things to you. The fact that he is rising to the occasion though, and showing compassion and understanding when you told him the story is demonstrating his character better than a simple courting gesture ever could.

 

Enjoy the great time you are having! And the bolded is soo so true! You are brave for opening up and trusting and realizing that the past doesn't really determine the future.

[MorningCoffee]

Hi lwi,

 

This one rang a bell with me. I've been on my own now with my child for over 18 months and not particularly in a relationship (other than with xMW in a differnet country) for many years before that.

 

The past 18 months has been on my own entirely out of choice .. to allow me to (begin !) to sort out my head space, re-find me, my focus etc

 

During this time I have made (and still am making) huge gains in personal insight and understanding as well as big changes in how I live my life. I now spend a lot more time doing things that I ultimately believe benefit other people etc and am in a much happier place.

 

I have become really fond of somone over the last few months though ... someone whom I admire and whom is genuinly evidencing values that I find are quite close to my own.

I've not done anything in particular about it, but I am just aware that my heart beat is a little faster when we are close together, that I am acutely conscious of where she is in relation to me at social gatherings and that when we chat I sometimes drift completely off into just smiling like an idiot at her !!!

 

I'm even smiling now typing this !

 

The trouble is, though, that I actually do like her ... and this means that I am aware that distracting her with a relationship might de-focus her from her goals ... and that me getting distracted with a relationship will do likewise to me.

 

So I'm kinda confused about what do do ...

 

But it's not a bad confusion :)... and I'm in no hurry no rush anywhere.

Maybe she doesn't get the same feelings and all we'll ever do is be friends. Maybe I will see different behaviour over time and realise that her direction is different to mine.

 

Whichever, or whatever, she appears to be a genuinly decent person, who has made some brave decisions to leave the city and focus on helping people etc and I genuinly hope that it all works out for her.

 

It's actually just nice to have these feelings pop up inside me and also to know that I am excited enough about my life on my own to not HAVE to act on those feelings with any kind of desperate need.

I am also aware that I tended (in the past) to rescue people .. and that this created a negative relationship basis, and so this time I am not jumping in there to rescue anyone ... just letting people be people and continuing to work on myself.

 

I also don't actually believe that I am yet ready for a relationship ... and again, want to leave myself the space and time I need to be really whole and self validating.

It's a new space for me ... the lack of urgency to have a relationship ... and the abilility to be happy for myself that I can have feelings for someone and just enjoy it as that ... without the need to necessarily act upon it.

 

I'm just enjoying being .....

 

be safe

Chris

 

Hi Chris,

 

Great post, and great news of your having met someone who makes your pulse step it up a bit.

 

Having benefited many times from your wise insights here, I am going out on a limb to offer you a suggestion -- if she makes you excited, don't wait too long to ask her out, or she may decide you are not interested. I think lots of women, maybe not all, but lots are very sensitive to the feelings in people around them, especially men, so she may well have already picked up on your heightened interest in her. If you wait too long, she may already reach a point of "Oh, well. Guess Chris wasn't really interested." Kind of dialed you out.

 

I agree with lovingwhatis, that relationships are a gift. Maybe this is one waiting for you to take it up. Timing can be everything.

 

I also know you don't need me or anyone else in order to know what you should do, and if you are truly not ready for a relationship, then fine. But you are ready enough to have developed these feelings towards her, and for you to be thinking this over and to be posting here about it? All tells me you might be readier than you think, and maybe want to at least give it a try, and ask her out. I'll bet at the least you two will have fun!

[silverplanets]

Hi Chris,

 

Great post, and great news of your having met someone who makes your pulse step it up a bit.

 

Having benefited many times from your wise insights here, I am going out on a limb to offer you a suggestion -- if she makes you excited, don't wait too long to ask her out, or she may decide you are not interested. I think lots of women, maybe not all, but lots are very sensitive to the feelings in people around them, especially men, so she may well have already picked up on your heightened interest in her. If you wait too long, she may already reach a point of "Oh, well. Guess Chris wasn't really interested." Kind of dialed you out.

 

I agree with lovingwhatis, that relationships are a gift. Maybe this is one waiting for you to take it up. Timing can be everything.

 

I also know you don't need me or anyone else in order to know what you should do, and if you are truly not ready for a relationship, then fine. But you are ready enough to have developed these feelings towards her, and for you to be thinking this over and to be posting here about it? All tells me you might be readier than you think, and maybe want to at least give it a try, and ask her out. I'll bet at the least you two will have fun!

 

You know MC, you're right ... and so is lwi in saying that maybe I'm distracting myself from opening op ...

 

SO ... (and this is a big so) ....

 

I've just done it ... I see her tomorrow anyway, I've sent three long texts explaining how I feel (without getting too heavy) and also explaining how I am really nervous of letting her know because I don't want to spoil our friendship but that also if I don't let her know then she might never know.

 

My hands are actually shaking now and my body has a bit of the shivers .. not because I am really worried about what she says ... (I would love it to be a yes, but I trust her enough that she won't be cruel with it if the answer is no) but because this is so unknown territory for me.

 

I NEVER tell the people I really care about how I feel about them ... I NEVER have ... not since childhood, and I know exactly why.

 

I was taught in childhood that I never would find love, that nobody would love me for being me and that to be loved I had to be someone else.

 

I've always been really good at "looking like I was in love" with people, provided that I had no intention of letting them in close enough to really see "me".

 

But this time, this time I am actually being honest with someone whom I DO really like and with whom I WOULD want to share the real me.

 

Now the answer may be no ... and that's ok I've come to realise .. what's MORE important is that I be true to myself .... and in doing this I'm stepping into the unkown ... I've never approach people just "as me" before.

 

It feels like being a child ... I am doing something that so many people probably find entirely normal (just being themselves) but for me, I've never had the self condfidence and awareness to take this step before.

 

Anyway, enough thread jacking .... I suppose it is relevant in that it's become so clear to me over the past 18 months that me getting tangled in someone elses drama was just one more sympton of a childhood that led me to the belief that I, as a person, was simply just had no worth in this world, and never would, and that no one would EVER love me for me.

 

I've come to realise the A was only the tip of the iceberg ... so many of my life's decisions have been driven by this core belief. (well it actually wasn't even a belief, it was something that I just knew in the very heart of me).

 

I think i'm fixing the core problem slowly though ... I have worked really hard on myself and now I think I do genuinly believe that I do have some worth and value as a person.

 

One of my challenges now is to keep that in mind and to make decisions based upon a foundation of self worth (which is not natural for me yet) rather than to make them based upon the old, natural patterns.

 

OK, embarrassed AND laughing at myself (in a good way now) ...

 

God I'm going to "die" when I see her tomorrow.

 

it feels good though :-)

 

Chris

 

:)

[MorningCoffee]

You know MC, you're right ... and so is lwi in saying that maybe I'm distracting myself from opening op ...

 

SO ... (and this is a big so) ....

 

I've just done it ... I see her tomorrow anyway, I've sent three long texts explaining how I feel (without getting too heavy) and also explaining how I am really nervous of letting her know because I don't want to spoil our friendship but that also if I don't let her know then she might never know.

 

My hands are actually shaking now and my body has a bit of the shivers .. not because I am really worried about what she says ... (I would love it to be a yes, but I trust her enough that she won't be cruel with it if the answer is no) but because this is so unknown territory for me.

 

I NEVER tell the people I really care about how I feel about them ... I NEVER have ... not since childhood, and I know exactly why.

 

I was taught in childhood that I never would find love, that nobody would love me for being me and that to be loved I had to be someone else.

 

I've always been really good at "looking like I was in love" with people, provided that I had no intention of letting them in close enough to really see "me".

 

But this time, this time I am actually being honest with someone whom I DO really like and with whom I WOULD want to share the real me.

 

Now the answer may be no ... and that's ok I've come to realise .. what's MORE important is that I be true to myself .... and in doing this I'm stepping into the unkown ... I've never approach people just "as me" before.

 

It feels like being a child ... I am doing something that so many people probably find entirely normal (just being themselves) but for me, I've never had the self condfidence and awareness to take this step before.

 

Anyway, enough thread jacking .... I suppose it is relevant in that it's become so clear to me over the past 18 months that me getting tangled in someone elses drama was just one more sympton of a childhood that led me to the belief that I, as a person, was simply just had no worth in this world, and never would, and that no one would EVER love me for me.

 

I've come to realise the A was only the tip of the iceberg ... so many of my life's decisions have been driven by this core belief. (well it actually wasn't even a belief, it was something that I just knew in the very heart of me).

 

I think i'm fixing the core problem slowly though ... I have worked really hard on myself and now I think I do genuinly believe that I do have some worth and value as a person.

 

One of my challenges now is to keep that in mind and to make decisions based upon a foundation of self worth (which is not natural for me yet) rather than to make them based upon the old, natural patterns.

 

OK, embarrassed AND laughing at myself (in a good way now) ...

 

God I'm going to "die" when I see her tomorrow.

 

it feels good though :-)

 

Chris

 

:)

 

OK, Chris! Now, you have texted her about your feelings. Your job is to maintain good, positive tension . . . that tension you've been feeling, and no doubt so has she. That is the fuel of attraction.

 

You have clued her in on how you feel and your concern for her. OK, fine. Now, skip any further explanations till later, and just concentrate on letting the back and forth between you develop however it will.

 

If she returns your feelings of attraction, take her out and start getting acquainted in your new roles as potential romantic partners. If she doesn't, she'll likely let you down gently with the old "you're a great guy, I just don't like you in that way, let's be friends" speech.

 

You da man, Chris.

[lovingwhatis]

Oh wow, Chris!!! Im so excited for you!! I started crying when i read your post! I know just how big of a step this is! Its tremendous, really.

 

Keep us posted, i know you will. But most importantly, you've made the step, you've gotten out of the limitation box. Its inspiring.

 

I have done what you just did before, and the act of revealing myself was what was the healing thing.

 

You (like All of us) deserve all the beautiful love in the world. That love does never deplete!

 

Yay for you!

[silverplanets]

OK, Chris! Now, you have texted her about your feelings. Your job is to maintain good, positive tension . . . that tension you've been feeling, and no doubt so has she. That is the fuel of attraction.

 

You have clued her in on how you feel and your concern for her. OK, fine. Now, skip any further explanations till later, and just concentrate on letting the back and forth between you develop however it will.

 

If she returns your feelings of attraction, take her out and start getting acquainted in your new roles as potential romantic partners. If she doesn't, she'll likely let you down gently with the old "you're a great guy, I just don't like you in that way, let's be friends" speech.

 

You da man, Chris.

 

Oh wow, Chris!!! Im so excited for you!! I started crying when i read your post! I know just how big of a step this is! Its tremendous, really.

 

Keep us posted, i know you will. But most importantly, you've made the step, you've gotten out of the limitation box. Its inspiring.

 

I have done what you just did before, and the act of revealing myself was what was the healing thing.

 

You (like All of us) deserve all the beautiful love in the world. That love does never deplete!

 

Yay for you!

 

Thanks guys :)

 

Unfortunately it kinda fell flat on it's face before it even left the starting gate as it turns out that there has been someone else in the picture for some time, but that it's being kept quiet:(

 

Can't think of anything else to say at the moment .. obviously a bit "down" given the answer, but on the other hand I am SO humbly proud of "li'l old me" for being willing to risk being so truthful about my feelings.

 

Trying hard not to see the outcome as just another confirmation that what I learnt as a child really is true :(

 

Chris