lululucy Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I will try to be concise with this but I apologise in advance if I make no sense, I am incredibly confused right now. In November, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years. The immediate causes/reasons: - I felt like I was supporting him financially (I am a student and work at most 20 hours a week, while he does nothing but work. I'm not asking to be supported by him, I can do that myself, but I shouldn't be paying for everything when he has a job. Said job was for his dad and he didn't go five days a week for eight hours, but kind of sporadically.) - He moved in to my family home "temporarily" but stayed for two years and three months. Did not always pay my mom rent which I don't think was fair as it was only $300 a month. - I felt like his mother -- I had to keep encouraging him to go to work, had to make him lunches, make him breakfast, help him fill out citizenship papers, remind him to send Christmas presents to his family back in England. The underlying reasons: - He cheated on me about 1.5 years in to our relationship. I didn't break up with him (because we were going to England together in a few months and I didn't want to be there alone for 6 weeks) but I did go to counselling. I don't think I ever re-gained the trust. - He was never really supportive of me. Instead of understanding that university breeds stress, he would tell me to stop acting like a bitch (I know I was, but some empathy would've been nice). He would tell me things like how I look ugly without glasses when I hadn't asked him, or tell me he hated my legs so I shouldn't wear dresses or tights.. totally unsolicited and completely rude. And regardless of all that.. I miss him. I miss hanging out with him, I miss falling asleep with his arms around me, I miss being able to just cry about whatever was pissing me off and have him stroke my hair and make me feel better. I miss his voice, I miss his jokes, I miss watching stupid shows with him. I miss bickering with him. I never stopped loving him; not after he cheated and certainly not after I broke up with him. I just had felt like I was his safety-net and he would never grow up and be an adult without me giving him that push. We had so many plans to do things together -- moving to England when I was finished school, getting married, etc etc, and I am starting to feel as though I threw that away. But do I really want him back or am I just fondly remembering the good times? Sorry that this is rambling, I am just incredibly confused right now. Any advice would be appreciated.
tobydog1 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 How is he feeling about the break up? Is he devastated and tells you he wants to change? If so then I would give him that chance. Are you in contact, on civil terms? Can you talk it through and get some re assurance from him that he will put his all into changing? Then take it slow and see how it goes and if he really will change. x
Duckduckgoose Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 You are fondly remembering the good times... you listed the reasons you broke up with him, and they are all good ones. Especially the unsolicited insults AND the cheating... you said you never regained the trust from when he cheated. What makes you think you can trust him now? Do you think he has changed much from after you dumped him? If you are seriously interested in him, you would have to test the waters, see how he is now? Is he the same person, has he matured?
heartshaped Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 It sounds like you do really want him back, but I'm not sure that's the best decision for you. Only you can evaluate and decide that. No one else.
Author lululucy Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 How is he feeling about the break up? Is he devastated and tells you he wants to change? If so then I would give him that chance. Are you in contact, on civil terms? Can you talk it through and get some re assurance from him that he will put his all into changing? Then take it slow and see how it goes and if he really will change. x I don't know really how he feels because I've been trying to do NC -- which was hard since he took a while to move out. I spoke with him today (he wants me to see his new apartment) and I ended up getting really upset. I think you're right, we need to really talk about it and whether or not he even realises there is a problem. All I know about how he feels is that he still calls me and leaves me voicemails about how much he adores me (his words) and how he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. Thank you duckduckgoose, that is good solid advice -- I will have to find a way to test the waters while still maintaining my sanity haha heartshaped -- that is a really good point. I don't know if it's the best thing to do, or even a remotely suitable thing to do. Just because I love him doesn't mean we should be together. Logically, I know that, but it doesn't stop it from being damn hard.
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