Affair Residue

[TigerCub]

Its been a long time since things have ended.

The physical stuff stopped in September or October (I"m not good with dates), I think we stopped talking in November and then I wrote him that long email to get everything off my chest, where I called him out on his lies and I told him not to respond (that was in December).

 

I've been dating this AMAZING guy for 3 months now. He's super sweet, he's the kind of guy I KNOW will have my back no matter what. We laugh at the same stuff, we get along really well, the sex is fantastic, and I'm really genuinely happy.

 

But....(and we knew there would be a but...)

 

I find that I do think of xMM almost every day.

It's NOT in a romantic way, I honestly have no desire to be with him or anything like that. But I do find that he's still on my mind, and its not romantic thoughts, I'm just still processing (I think) what happened, I think about what his life might be like, ie. who his new OW is? or if he actually buckled down and stopped cheating (I doubt that). I wonder if he was ever as hurt about everything that happened in the A as I was (and I doubt that too). AND I know that it shouldn't matter, but I do wonder.

 

The point is, its really bugging me that I still think about him. I don't think he deserves to be a thought in my head anymore.

Yes, I loved what I thought he was, I loved what I wanted him to be, but I know that's all a lie, and that's what made it easy for me to open up to someone else and really be a girlfriend, and I'm really happy, I just somehow feel guilty that this jerk (xMM) is still a thought at all.

 

I know that all people heal differently and the timeline isn't the same for everyone, but I'm just wondering how much longer will this be an issue? I don't know how to make it stop and just be done forever with all these intrusive thoughts of the residual effects of this affair.

[freestyle]

TC

 

By any chance did you read the article that BB07 posted about addictive relationships?

 

And would you categorize your former relationship with MM as addictive?

 

That might shed some light on why you're dealing with intrusive thoughts now.

[TigerCub]

TC

 

By any chance did you read the article that BB07 posted about addictive relationships?

 

And would you categorize your former relationship with MM as addictive?

 

That might shed some light on why you're dealing with intrusive thoughts now.

 

Actually I didn't read it, but I'll check it out now - thanks Freestyle

[Owl]

Learn to redirect your thoughts.

 

I had to learn to do this as part of my own personal recovery.

 

When you find yourself thinking about him..."change the channel". Stop yourself from dwelling on that, and give yourself something else to think about instead.

 

Don't let yourself dedicate time to thinking about him.

[freestyle]

Cheap, do-it-yourself therapy:

 

Wear a rubberband around your wrist.

 

When the intrusive thought pops in, snap the band, just hard enough to create a little sting. The tiny jolt of pain can help bring your attention back to the present moment.

 

From what I've heard, this can be effective fairly quickly--it basically reminds you to be mindful of where your thoughts are going.

[TigerCub]

I read the article...

huh!

 

Well, he used to always joke and say "you're more addictive than heroin"

 

wow, well I read the article and yes, we had an addictive R.

 

But the thing is - the stuff in the article about recovery from the addiction, I've done all that (the stuff that only includes me). And I am over him, I don't want him, so is this still withdrawl? I don't know....

 

Thanks for directing me to the link.

 

I'm not too worried, I'm not worried that I'm going to slip and want him again, I really don't want him, and I'm with a real man, an honest man, a man that treats me like a queen, that I get along with really well, so I don't want xMM, but I just want all the stupid questions and thoughts out of my head.

[TigerCub]

Learn to redirect your thoughts.

 

I had to learn to do this as part of my own personal recovery.

 

When you find yourself thinking about him..."change the channel". Stop yourself from dwelling on that, and give yourself something else to think about instead.

 

I find that I pretty much only think about him in the morning when I'm doing my hair, cuz I usually listen to music and get lost in my thoughts and I guess sometimes certain songs must trigger something, but that's really good advice, I'll just change the channel, change the song, change whatever, because he's not worth thinking about.

 

Don't let yourself dedicate time to thinking about him.

No, I really don't want to.

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm gonna try it. I know that this will pass, Its times like these I'm really glad I have a short attention span

I know this will pass - it just bugs me that its even an issue.

[TigerCub]

Cheap, do-it-yourself therapy:

 

Wear a rubberband around your wrist.

 

When the intrusive thought pops in, snap the band, just hard enough to create a little sting. The tiny jolt of pain can help bring your attention back to the present moment.

 

From what I've heard, this can be effective fairly quickly--it basically reminds you to be mindful of where your thoughts are going.

 

That's a very handy tip - I shall try it, if I simply can't change the channel on my own. I bet it would work!

 

Thanks freestyle

[BB07]

Tiger.......I get it and I'm right there with you in regards to some of your thoughts, although I'm not dating anyone.

 

As you said......I hate that it takes up any head space at all and if there was a magic pill to wipe the WHOLE thing from my mind, I'd take it. I'm past the worst of the anger, the bitterness, and I long ago stopped trying to figure out why he did what he did, but it's there and it pops in my head way more than I want it to. I do redirect my thoughts, but it pops.....and frankly it pisses me off that I can be so far removed from it, and then there it is.

[lovingwhatis]

Its been a long time since things have ended.

The physical stuff stopped in September or October (I"m not good with dates), I think we stopped talking in November and then I wrote him that long email to get everything off my chest, where I called him out on his lies and I told him not to respond (that was in December).

I've been dating this AMAZING guy for 3 months now. He's super sweet, he's the kind of guy I KNOW will have my back no matter what. We laugh at the same stuff, we get along really well, the sex is fantastic, and I'm really genuinely happy.

But....(and we knew there would be a but...)

 

I find that I do think of xMM almost every day.

It's NOT in a romantic way, I honestly have no desire to be with him or anything like that. But I do find that he's still on my mind, and its not romantic thoughts, I'm just still processing (I think) what happened, I think about what his life might be like, ie. who his new OW is? or if he actually buckled down and stopped cheating (I doubt that). I wonder if he was ever as hurt about everything that happened in the A as I was (and I doubt that too). AND I know that it shouldn't matter, but I do wonder.

 

The point is, its really bugging me that I still think about him. I don't think he deserves to be a thought in my head anymore.

Yes, I loved what I thought he was, I loved what I wanted him to be, but I know that's all a lie, and that's what made it easy for me to open up to someone else and really be a girlfriend, and I'm really happy, I just somehow feel guilty that this jerk (xMM) is still a thought at all.

 

I know that all people heal differently and the timeline isn't the same for everyone, but I'm just wondering how much longer will this be an issue? I don't know how to make it stop and just be done forever with all these intrusive thoughts of the residual effects of this affair.

 

That's wonderful to hear, Tiger! And inspiring too!

 

I totally hear you on the timeline for healing, it is different. I am beginning to think that putting the feelings in a specific place and not denying or avoiding them maybe the way to go for me. Trying to get rid of thoughts doesn't work for me. They are like velcro, and especially if they are negative, they stick even stronger. That's just my experience..

[East7]

Hi TC,

 

I think it is normal. As I was saying in another post, "we never totally get over someone we have loved, we learn to love ourselves more". No matter how deeply we jump in a new relationship, there are always residual feelings and memories. The typical post-breakup period is always followed by lots of analyzing and processing the whole R.

 

Don't try to suppress your residual feelings, it is normal, they will disappear with time. Meanwhile invest yourself and enjoy this new R.

You are very lucky having found someone loving and caring. Take a grip on this new relationship without wondering about xMM, he is with his wife, why would you care how his life looks like ?

[freestyle]

That's a very handy tip - I shall try it, if I simply can't change the channel on my own. I bet it would work!

 

Thanks freestyle

 

 

Beats the hell out of taking pills, IMO.

 

I think with the relationships that have the addictive nature, they do get under our skin worse, and it's harder to move past it, and not think about it all the time.

 

So, all we can do is try to be mindful of our thoughts. I know the old saying, don't imagine a pink gorilla--of course your mind is going to envision that. The trick is to redirect our attention.

 

(please don't think I'm being on a high horse here, I struggle with this myself:o..........so I've been studying this)

 

 

Another possible route is to oversaturate your thoughts for awhile--to the point of exhaustion. At some point the mind itself finally says, "Enough, already!"

 

You'll get there, TC.

[TigerCub]

Tiger.......I get it and I'm right there with you in regards to some of your thoughts, although I'm not dating anyone.

 

As you said......I hate that it takes up any head space at all and if there was a magic pill to wipe the WHOLE thing from my mind, I'd take it. I'm past the worst of the anger, the bitterness, and I long ago stopped trying to figure out why he did what he did, but it's there and it pops in my head way more than I want it to. I do redirect my thoughts, but it pops.....and frankly it pisses me off that I can be so far removed from it, and then there it is.

 

Thanks BB.

Yeah I feel like I'm past all that stuff too, the only anger I'm feeling right now is that stupid questions regarding him pop up in my mind- like who the hell cares?!! - oyi...

 

Thanks for the support BB

[TigerCub]

That's wonderful to hear, Tiger! And inspiring too!

Thanks loving

 

I totally hear you on the timeline for healing, it is different. I am beginning to think that putting the feelings in a specific place and not denying or avoiding them maybe the way to go for me. Trying to get rid of thoughts doesn't work for me. They are like velcro, and especially if they are negative, they stick even stronger. That's just my experience..

Growin up, I denying a LOT of feelings and just pushed a lot of stuff away without dealing with it - I think that's a terrible thing to do, because it always finds a way of coming back up.

 

But I have dealt with the whole mess with xMM, I even went to therapy because my A with him brought up a lot of childhood baggage. I just hate the pointless questions that pop up. But yeah, I'm sure it will all pass.

 

Thanks lovingwhatis

[TigerCub]

Hi TC,

 

I think it is normal. As I was saying in another post, "we never totally get over someone we have loved, we learn to love ourselves more". No matter how deeply we jump in a new relationship, there are always residual feelings and memories. The typical post-breakup period is always followed by lots of analyzing and processing the whole R.

 

Don't try to suppress your residual feelings, it is normal, they will disappear with time.

Thanks East

Its comforting to know that this is "normal"

There are no romantic feelings or desires left, I guess just pointless questions. But, as you said, they will pass. I know they will.

 

Meanwhile invest yourself and enjoy this new R.

You are very lucky having found someone loving and caring. Take a grip on this new relationship without wondering about xMM, he is with his wife, why would you care how his life looks like ?

I am very fortunate to be with such a great guy now.

You're completely right, who cares about xMM and his life with his wife or his new OW, I tell myself that all the time.

 

I think the question that comes to mind is 'did I ever matter?' but I know that I will never really know the answer to that, AND I know that it doesn't matter if I did. All that matters is that I matter to me and that my new bf seems quite fond of me too

 

I think its the little girl in me that's asking that question (although I made great strides with therapy), that question makes me sad, and I hate that I question anything with regards to that loser.

 

Thanks again East

[TigerCub]

Beats the hell out of taking pills, IMO.

 

I think with the relationships that have the addictive nature, they do get under our skin worse, and it's harder to move past it, and not think about it all the time.

 

So, all we can do is try to be mindful of our thoughts. I know the old saying, don't imagine a pink gorilla--of course your mind is going to envision that. The trick is to redirect our attention.

 

(please don't think I'm being on a high horse here, I struggle with this myself:o..........so I've been studying this)

Aaaawww, I so didn't think that. I really appreciate your support

 

Another possible route is to oversaturate your thoughts for awhile--to the point of exhaustion. At some point the mind itself finally says, "Enough, already!"

 

You'll get there, TC.

oyi...I so don't want that. He really isn't worth the wasted energy spent questioning things. but thanks for the suggestion.

 

Thanks again freestyle.

[lovingwhatis]

Thanks loving

 

 

Growin up, I denying a LOT of feelings and just pushed a lot of stuff away without dealing with it - I think that's a terrible thing to do, because it always finds a way of coming back up.

 

But I have dealt with the whole mess with xMM, I even went to therapy because my A with him brought up a lot of childhood baggage. I just hate the pointless questions that pop up. But yeah, I'm sure it will all pass.

Thanks lovingwhatis

 

I like how we both begin and start posts with thanks!

 

This has been my experience as well. It is quite a realization to see how I've gone for unavailable men, and to know that it has been because of childhood stuff somehow hasn't made it much easier.

 

I am with you that ultimately it is not about answering the questions, it is about that moment when they naturally fall away. I've experienced this enough to know that when the time comes, the questions do fall away. And then it seems silly that we racked our brains trying to "figure it out".

 

[Spark1111]

I think it is a normal part of any process of growth and healing to retrospect and introspect deeply.

 

But it is true that most of your unanswered questions will never be answered. In that regard, a lot of what helped me was reading, reading, reading about affairs.

 

They do follow a pattern and it is good to understand the "whys" of them.

 

I did not want to hate anyone, because basically, I believed everyone in the triangle was well-intentioned. I do not believe anyone set out to betray my trust and break my heart or lie to me for so long.

 

I do not believe my fWS intended to do that to either she or I, even though that is what happened.

 

There is so much written material out there to help us understand. Please try to avail yourself of it.

 

So I needed to understand WTH happened to all of us.... to get to a point of forgiveness......and it helped me immensely to do so.

[lovingwhatis]

I think it is a normal part of any process of growth and healing to retrospect and introspect deeply.

 

But it is true that most of your unanswered questions will never be answered. In that regard, a lot of what helped me was reading, reading, reading about affairs.

 

They do follow a pattern and it is good to understand the "whys" of them.

 

I did not want to hate anyone, because basically, I believed everyone in the triangle was well-intentioned. I do not believe anyone set out to betray my trust and break my heart or lie to me for so long.

 

I do not believe my fWS intended to do that to either she or I, even though that is what happened.

 

There is so much written material out there to help us understand. Please try to avail yourself of it.

 

So I needed to understand WTH happened to all of us.... to get to a point of forgiveness......and it helped me immensely to do so.

 

Beautiful post, Spark! Thanks for sharing! For me reading here on LS has been part of that understanding, there are people here who write gracefully and poignantly about their experiences, and that's priceless imo.

 

It's wonderful that you've come to that place of true forgiveness, it emanates from your post. What a great gift to give yourself, to have true peace about it.

 

Beautifully said about xWS not intending what happened. If she really knew what she was doing, she would have not. That sounds like making excuses for her, but I can sense that you've come to a deeper understanding of this, where it sets You free. And then you set her free and made the world a bit better in the process.

[TigerCub]

I think it is a normal part of any process of growth and healing to retrospect and introspect deeply.

 

But it is true that most of your unanswered questions will never be answered. In that regard, a lot of what helped me was reading, reading, reading about affairs.

 

They do follow a pattern and it is good to understand the "whys" of them.

 

I did not want to hate anyone, because basically, I believed everyone in the triangle was well-intentioned. I do not believe anyone set out to betray my trust and break my heart or lie to me for so long.

 

I do not believe my fWS intended to do that to either she or I, even though that is what happened.

 

There is so much written material out there to help us understand. Please try to avail yourself of it.

 

So I needed to understand WTH happened to all of us.... to get to a point of forgiveness......and it helped me immensely to do so.

 

Thanks Spark

 

I think the way you looked at things is the best way to go about it.

 

I found myself reading oh so much about affairs when I realized I was in one. I didn't know about emotional affairs really, then I read some stuff here and read articles and such and realized that OMG, look at that, I think I'm in one

 

I don't hate xMM and I don't love him, I dont want him, and I don't miss him. But yeah its the questions that I know are pointless that bug me - its just seems like a waste of mental space - and I don't know if this is 'normal' or not, but I feel guilty that he even crosses my mind now that I am with someone else. I know that under normal circumstances it wouldn't be an issue, because I think about my friends, I think about family, I think about a lot of other people I don't have romantic feelings for, and even though I don't have those feelings for xMM, I feel guilty that he crosses my mind at all.

 

After my therapy, I know why I did things the way I did with the A. And after reading the article on addictive Rs, I understand better why I'm still thinking about things - maybe I need to read more on that.

 

I just want to be done, I guess, that's what it is.

 

Thanks again Spark